by Simon Archer
“The one thing that bugs me is Queenie and Gobta,” Jane said almost reluctantly. “I feel like they should get loot because they helped,” she waved her hands helplessly, “but they’re just you.”
“I thought about that.” I nodded to the three of them. “I think that if something specific for them drops, they can have it, but otherwise, it should go to you guys because Jane is right. I think they would both be okay with that.”
“It seems fair to me,” Barnabas replied before anyone else. “Too fair actually. They should have a cut.”
“Yeah, well, I just want everyone to be happy.” I sighed. “You know what, maybe we should just ask them.”
“I don’t give a flying fig for money,” Gobta roared after I’d summoned him, Queenie, and Hudson and explained the situation. “I’m an immortal god.” He smashed his chest. “And besides, Garrett purchases everything I require.”
“Honestly, I would just spend it on candy.” Queenie shrugged. “And I can have all I want of that, anyway.” She looked pointedly at Jane and Jodie as she said that last part.
“That seems fair enough.” Jane laughed. “Well, I suppose that’s settled so let’s get on with the loot.”
“I’m just happy to be included.” Hudson beamed.
“Right.” I opened the box, causing an explosion of golden light as confetti shot into the air and trumpet blasts ripped across the horizon. Then a giant blue being that vaguely reminded me of both Will Smith and Robin Williams burst out of the box like a genie from a lamp.
“Hellllooooo,” he cried as he spread his arms wide. “I am Armstrong the Wise, and it will be my pleasure to assist you with your loot today.” His face morphed into a huge Cheshire cat grin. “Are there any rules I should be aware of?” Then he flexed, causing his muscles to bulge and little hearts to spring into the air around him.
“Wow, it’s amazing to see you in person,” I told the loot genie. “You’re, like, my favorite person in Terra Forma.”
“You have no idea how much that means to me, person I don’t know.” He flexed his biceps, and they bulged mightily. “Have a gander in exchange for your kind words.” There were more glowing hearts thrown into the air. “Now, again, I ask: Are there rules?” He put his arms behind his back and flexed his abs, and I swear I heard a sound like a shotgun being cocked as he did so.
“Yeah, we have some rules,” I told him before explaining what we’d all agreed to, as well as showing him the values indicated by our contracts. Barnabas, of course, didn’t have a contract, so we settled on a twelve percent stake which he was fine with.
“Excellent.” He flexed again. “The first item we have is the Eye of the Storm.” He held up an amulet that resembled a fist-sized sapphire with golden filigree on it.
Jodie’s eyes lit up at the sight of it. “Shiny!” Her ears stood up and twitched. “What does it do?”
“Please wait, my dear,” Armstrong assured her as he tossed the amulet in the air where it was caught and suspended by one of the floating hearts while the muscular genie popped a double bicep pose. “All will be revealed!” With that flex, another item, a rather innocuous-looking piece of black-and-yellow-striped crockery appeared popped into existence, which Armstrong caught easily.
“Behold! The Golden Bear’s Honey Pot!”
Queenie’s multi-faceted eyes lit up as she began to vibrate in place… and I wasn’t the only one to notice how excited the Ant Queen was at the reveal. Both Jodie and Jane had cunning looks on their faces. Me, I already was thinking how much DKP I could save for a bidding war over it.
Armstrong didn’t seem to notice or care about the predatory looks and simply tossed the Honey Pot up into another heart. “And next!” He spun as he spoke and ended with a side flex so powerful that the air cracked like thunder. “The Tempest Teapot!”
I wasn’t sure what I thought about Armstrong’s apparent propensity for pottery, but I also knew never to look a plain piece of loot down until it was analyzed. What flashed into existence this time was a very finely detailed teapot. An elaborate blue pattern was printed into the glazed sides, edged with gold leaf and filigree. Though you would have thought the fine china would be fragile, I instead got a sense of strength and durability from it. Maybe it was the large, thick handle that looked more like the grip of a mug than a teapot.
And it had to be sturdy because Armstrong didn’t handle it with kid’s gloves as he snatched it out of the air and juggled it up into another waiting heart. “Now, feast your eyes, adventurers, upon this wonder!” He grabbed his wrist and twisted into a side flex. “The Seeker’s Pathfinder!”
The next piece of loot that materialized in a flash was a headband fitted with a variety of lenses, a combination of Vegeta’s scouter from Dragon Ball Z and the biggest wet dream of a steampunk cosplayer. On top of that, Pathfinders were a whole loot class in Terra Forma and no matter the variety, were always sought after items as they always had a variety of sensory and combat buffs. Needless to say, everyone was starting to calculate bids and strategies as Armstrong tossed it up into the air to float with the rest of the loot. Before it even hit the glowing heart, the genie was turning into a side tricep flex.
“Another amazing artifact,” he cried as a seemingly simple ring of polished bone popped into reality. “The Ring of the Long Death!” He frowned a moment. “Or was it Doom?” He squinted at the ring before nodding sagely and tossing it up into a floating heart. “No, it is certainly Death.”
As soon as Armstrong said that, Queenie wasn’t the only one quivering with anticipation at my side. Gobta was now on my left, his armor making soft clinking noises as he bounced on his toes, though a quick glance told me that he was trying to play it cool.
He was failing miserably.
“Hrm,” Barnabas noted. “That’s a lot of treasure. There can’t be much more in that tiny box.”
“And that is where you would be wrong!” Armstrong said with a hearty chuckle as he smoothly transitioned into a back bicep flex. As his ridiculously chiseled back snapped into relief, there was a clap of thunder, and a massive spear flashed into existence before falling into the genie’s open hands. “The humbly named Big One!”
The name was fitting, to be sure. The thing was clearly made either by the manliest of weaponsmiths or the most insecure one because its shaft was as thick as a small tree trunk. Shaped grips were cut into it to allow a normal human-sized being to wield it, while a good half of its ten-foot length was made up of blades, spikes, and a foot-long spearhead made of shining silver steel. It was so ridiculous looking that it had to be incredibly deadly if you could figure out how to wield it.
Still, for all the weapon’s bulk, Armstrong effortlessly juggled it up into the growing ring of hearts. “But we aren’t done yet! For our pièce de résistance, the creme of the crop, the loot that won’t stop…” He spun and flexed into the most muscled of muscle poses, every part of his body tensed into its most muscular relief, and a burst of emerald light exploded before our eyes. As our eyes adjusted, hanging in the air was a single, solitary gauntlet. Pitted with rust, battered by age and countless battle, it seemed almost worthless at first glance… and for some reason, I wanted it. It called to me, and a moment later, I knew why.
“Behold, the Hand of the Destroyer King!”
Jane, Queenie, and Gobta all turned to look at me meaningfully as Armstrong tossed the Hand into the air, then spread his arms wide.
“And let’s take a look at all these wondrous minor prizes!” In an explosion of sparkles, piles of gold, bricks of iron and other resources, and all manner of minor loot came into being behind him. No one gave that much mind, as it was clear that the big loot was on the table. It was time for negotiations to begin.
Except it wasn’t a negotiation, it was Queenie latching onto my arm with feverish strength as she pulled herself into me. “Master, I know I said I didn’t desire anything, and that you would provide for Gobta and me, but… honey!” She stabbed her finger at the floating h
oney pot.
I could sense breaths intaking as all eyes turned on me, but before the requests could start coming in like a tidal wave, I raised my hands.
“Okay, hold on, everyone!” That bought me a few moments. “We don’t even know what these items do exactly.” I turned my eyes to Armstrong. “May I use my Sense ability to identify these items so we can distribute them?”
“Of course!” Even relaxed, the genie seemed to still be flexing. “Please do, or else these fine items may go to the wrong person!”
I’ll give everyone, even Queenie, credit for giving me the space and time to give each item a thorough inspection, even burning the Aura to go into Overdrive to ensure I knew everything I could about the loot. With bated breath, my friends waited for my report.
“Okay, so…” I took a deep breath. “Let’s start with the stuff that are easy assignments.”
Jodie arched an eyebrow as she cut in. “While I trust you, loot is on the line. How do we know these need rolls are actually, well, needed?”
I smiled at her. “Well, it’s not like I’m not going to tell you what they do. So, if you have an objection, just raise your hand, and we’ll address it, okay?”
“Well, okay.” Her tail lashed back and forth as she crossed her arms. “Sorry, it’s just… loot, right? And to see a solid payday on this job would be nice.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure everyone gets a proper cut of the treasure.” Thankfully, I noted that the ‘minor prizes’ were as wondrous as Armstrong had noted. There would be enough gold and resources to make up for anyone who didn’t quite get their ideal items, but at the same time, I thought I had something for everyone.
“So…” I paused a moment to see if anyone would else had a question, but they didn’t. Jane was a professional adventurer, after all, so she knew how this went, and Barnabas frankly barely seemed to give much of a care, while the rest? Well, they were all basically part of my shares. “The Tempest Teapot has to go to Hudson.”
That actually surprised everyone who all looked at the Amorphie priest, who was equally shocked. “My liege, I didn’t even want anything, and I would never ask to take valuable loot from more permanently real heroes, and--”
I raised my hand to silence him. “No, you don’t get it. You’re literally the only one who can use it.” I cleared my throat as I focused my Sense on the elegant teapot. “Tempest Teapot: You can fit a hurricane inside! When held, this teapot grants the wielder an extra five levels with all Wind Magic skills that he has at least one rank in and expands the area of effect of all Wind spells by 50%. In addition, If someone with Wind Magic brews a liquid inside the teapot, he may drink that tea to add a Fire elemental effect to his next Wind Magic spell cast.”
“Oh,” Barnabas grunted. “That seems obvious when you literally spell it out for us.”
The others nodded in agreement, while Gobta nodded sagely. “Such an artifact would make someone as utterly pathetic as you are, Not-My-Hudson, into someone worthwhile to keep around. Do you want to join G-Unit as well?” He rubbed his chin. “I could always use two Hudsons.”
Hudson blanched at that as he scurried over to me. “Uh, no, I am more than happy to luxuriate in my liege’s aura.” He then looked up at me with adoring eyes. “Thank you, sire, for thinking of me.”
“My pleasure, Hudson.” I nodded to Armstrong, who smiled and flexed a bicep before pointing with his cocked fist toward the High Priest. At his command, the Tempest Teapot floated over to the delighted Amorphie.
“Next, the other one that really speaks to one person here.” I pointed towards The Big One as the massive spear slowly swung in the middle of its heart like a deranged Valentine candy. “That is all yours, Barnabas.” I glanced around at everyone before settling on the Ice King. “As much as I’d love to whip around a badass weapon like that, the minimum Strength needed to wield that is… well, it’s pretty staggering. I could only use it when pumping maximum Aura into Infusion, and the rest of us just couldn’t.” Jodie was about to flex as if to prove me wrong, but I raised a hand. “I’m serious. I scanned all our statistics, and Barnabas is the only one strong enough to use it.”
The catgirl let out a mew of disappointment. “Damnit. I’d spend more time in the gym, but then there would be less science done, and that just isn’t right.”
“Thank you, Garrett Andrews,” Barnabas said simply. “I did not come here seeking riches, but I appreciate you including me in your plans.” He walked up to Armstrong, who was eyeing the Ice King appraisingly. They stared at each other for a moment, and then as if they choreographed it, both of them dropped into a mighty flex of muscle at each other. They strained until they both grew a bit red in the face before breaking down into smiles and laughter.
“I like this one,” Armstrong noted before snatching the Big One out of the air and handing it to Barnabas. “Train well, o muscle brother, and wield this with all your might.”
I thought I saw the twinkle of a tear in the Ice King’s eye, but before I could be sure, he turned and hefted his new prize. Admittedly, he looked considerably more badass than before with that monstrous weapon, and I was glad we had become allies instead of enemies.
“Okay, with the easy ones settled, let’s move on to--” I began, but Queenie immediately stopped me as she slipped right into my view.
“No, master!” she objected.
“Look, if it’s about the Honey Pot--”
Queenie shook her head vehemently. “No, this is about you.” She turned to point at the Hand of the Destroyer King. “Surely this is meant for you, master. After all, you wield the Sword, and remember the songs of Morlaon and Silent Jay!”
“Queenie is right, Garrett,” Gobta added as he clapped a hand on my shoulder. “Jane?”
“Garrett, I know you may still not believe in the legends entirely, but I do. We do. Take up the Hand, take a closer step to your ultimate destiny.” I hadn’t noticed the slime girl had come up to my other side, her eyes beseeching me to do as she asked.
The thing was, she didn’t have to press hard. None of them did. I had been hard-pressed to take my eyes off the gauntlet for one moment since Armstrong produced it, and the one thing I hadn’t shared with the others was that when I saw it, a Hidden Quest prompt had come up.
You have found a Hidden Quest: The Destroyer King’s Mantle Part Two! Claim the Hand of the Destroyer King to progress.
I let out a short sigh and nodded. “If you’re all in agreement, I really can’t deny it, can I?” Admittedly, as much as I felt drawn to these artifacts, I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure if I truly believed in this whole Destroyer King thing, but at the same time, if it would help me beat back Zaxcs, how could I refuse it?
“An excellent choice, my friend!” Armstrong cried as he gestured toward me.
The ancient gauntlet followed and fell into my hands. The moment I touched it, I felt a more subtle wash of energy than when I had drawn forth the Sword of the Destroyer King. Instead of Rhapsody’s and Mab’s hands gripping mine, I swore I felt the soft caress of their lips on my cheeks… but the feeling was no less breathtaking.
You have completed a Hidden Quest: The Destroyer King’s Mantle Part Two, but are you worth to carry the power of the Destroyer King? Only time will tell.
“Wow,” Jodie said breathlessly. “I saw the Sword, but I couldn’t be sure…” She shook her head. “I don’t think anything else is going to top that, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in it to win it for the rest of the treasure!”
I’ll be honest, after that, I checked out just a little of the negotiations. Sure, I played mediator and informer, but it turned out to not be as difficult as a split as I was expecting. When I explained the powers of the Ring of the Long Death, mainly its passive ability, Death Funnel, which turned negative energy and death spells that the wearer was hit with into a short-lived damage buff, no one fought Gobta over his desire for it. I mean, it didn’t protect you from the actual damage or effects, but for someone who didn’t
fear death, well, I could see the appeal.
The only real problem was the strange bidding war that erupted over the Golden Bear’s Honey Pot. The power gamer part of me didn’t understand it at all. The Pot had one power only, and that was Honey Heaven. Every time the dipper was put into the Honey Pot, it would emerge covered in sweet, delicious honey, so nutritious it served as a meal cooked by a skill level one-hundred cook. Useful, but nothing really powerful.
The rest of me realized what I was seeing, and that was a battle over sweets and also the power to get Queenie to jump through hoops for more of the delicious honey. Jodie and Jane each wanted the Pot as much as Queenie did, so before things got out of hand, I brought up a morsel that I knew both of the two Bazaar natives would want.
“You might not want to spend all your DKP, ladies. The Seeker’s Pathfinder duplicates the Auric Sense skill at level twenty,” I reported. “Plus, it has the added function of, three times per day, acting as per the Scouting passive of many scout-class monsters, like, well, Scout.”
Then to really stir things up, I pointed to the Eye of the Storm. “And that amulet has a really useful passive of Calmness of the Eye. Whenever you take damage from any source, you gain five percent resistance to that damage type, stacking up to total immunity for one minute.”
The two shrewd bargainers side-eyed each other, and then they launched into a new round of negotiations. Queenie gave me a thankful look as I inserted myself, trading off a chunk of DKP to ensure she got her Honey Pot.
Just call me a sugar daddy, I guess.
In the end, Jane managed to beat out Jodie on her bid for the Pathfinder, something she was eager for when I noted it also had a mild enchantment to resist acid damage so that she could wear it safely.
As for my own prize, it was something of a mystery, much like the Sword had been, but I knew I’d discover its power in due time.
“Wow, I’m super glad that all worked out,” I said as I slipped on the Hand of the Destroyer King. “And I’m happier we all got something.”
