Real Men Knit

by Kwana Jackson

  Going over to the closet, Kerry admired the slim felt-covered hangers Damian had left free for her. He’d allotted twelve inches of space in his closet. With the way his suits were placed, she was almost afraid to let her things touch his perfect lineup. Still, she quickly ran out of space, so there was nothing to it. Damian would just have to deal. She paused—or she would. Either way, Kerry carefully inched over each suit one quarter inch at a time and claimed another two inches. She had a couple of blouses, a pair of cotton and Lycra pants and a skirt that were perfect for interviews that she really didn’t want to fold and have to reiron if the opportunity arose.

  Everything out and nothing left to do but start her new not-quite-normal, Kerry straightened her back and prepared to head back downstairs. She didn’t know what to expect, especially after the odd scene she’d returned to once she’d squared things with her landlord and retrieved her stuff.

  She had been able to tell immediately that she’d walked in on a serious scene between the brothers. They all fell silent, and the energy was tense, making Kerry just want to take her bags and bolt. But Noah seemed to recover first and was at her side with a smile and quick looks between himself, Jesse and Damian. “Don’t mind these two, Kerry,” he said, taking her duffel from her hand and heading for the stairs. “They just like to go at it. And hey, if Damian’s bed is as hard as his head, you can always use mine. I’ll be on tour, so it’s safe.” He grinned. “And even if I’m not.”

  She gave his arm a smack, though she knew he was only kidding. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m sure it will be fine.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure it will be, jokester,” Damian said. “Besides, there is hardly any privacy up there with you and Lucas and that open space.”

  “There is that,” Lucas said. “Not that I wouldn’t enjoy the company.”

  “I bet you would. You hate being alone,” Noah said. “You’re probably missing me like crazy now.”

  “Yeah, don’t count on it. Who’s missing who? You’re the one who moved out so quick.”

  “I moved for work. It was just much easier.”

  “We all moved for work,” Damian added. “But here we are now.”

  Kerry looked to Jesse. He was oddly quiet and, more strangely, seriously taking in the exchange between his brothers.

  “I’m sure Damian’s room will be just fine,” she said, then looked over at Damian. “Thanks again.”

  “Yeah, sure,” he responded. Then nodded. “Listen. I’ve got to go. But I made some space for you. It should be, um, enough.”

  She raised a brow but smiled and nodded. “More than enough.” What was going on here? It felt weird, but not like their normal weird, and not like it was just about her. Kerry felt like there was a puzzle piece that someone was unfairly holding away from her.

  Damian turned to Jesse. “We’ll talk more later once I look into exactly where we stand. In the meantime, I guess we’re clear and you just proceed.”

  To that Jesse didn’t respond but only nodded, which gave Kerry even more unease. What the hell had happened while she was packing at her place? But Damian just left, and with him gone Jesse tried to do a quick cover, finally smiling at Kerry and walking over to take her bags.

  “I’ve got them,” she said, stopping him. She gave hard looks to each of those who remained as she picked up her suitcase and threw it across her body. “I’m going to unpack. You guys just continue what you were doing.”

  When Kerry made it back down to the shop, though, it was quiet. Noah and Lucas were not in the main room, and only Jesse was left. He was taking yarns down from a display that had been on one of the top shelves for the past six months.

  “Are you sure this will be okay?” she asked.

  “What?” he responded, pausing where he was on the small ladder to turn her way. She walked toward him to give him a hand. “You don’t think I should take these down now? I figured I might as well get moving. We’ve got a lot to do. Damian is right about getting money in here fast.”

  She shook her head and took an armful of yarns. “No. I’m not talking about that.” At the moment the display of warm tweeds was not on her mind, though she knew it should be. “Taking these down is fine,” she said. “As a matter of fact, it’s long overdue. But I’m talking about me moving into Damian’s room. Even though it’s temporary, I don’t want to make you or your brothers uncomfortable. I hate the idea of intruding on your life, and I feel like it was still pretty tense when I got back.”

  She hated the fact that she couldn’t shake her sketchy feeling from that morning, and she hated more that she couldn’t shake her feelings over coming in to see Erika leaving the other morning. How many mornings like that would she have to endure with a smile while she was living there? Hopefully not many, because with just the one she thought she might have reached her limit.

  Jesse handed her more yarn as his eyes hinted at sparking. “You’re not intruding on my life at all. And I thought we’d cleared this up.”

  “Yeah, but it didn’t seem that way when I came back this afternoon.”

  He let out an agitated breath. “What you saw this afternoon was just posturing, on all our parts. I would have thought you’d be used to it by now.”

  It was Kerry’s turn to frown. She would have thought so too, and for the most part she was used to it. She’d seen enough of it over the years of being in and out of this shop and in and out of their lives. But now, without Mama Joy, it somehow seemed different. She had been the mediator and the ultimate ender of all their squabbles. Without her, every situation seemed that much bigger, at least in Kerry’s mind, and to her it felt like the brothers’ relationships were teetering on the edges of their existence.

  She couldn’t bear it if she was the thing that took them over the edge.

  “My brothers have no reason to be uncomfortable,” he said as he stepped down from the ladder. She took a step back, but he was still really close. So close she had to look up at him. “And even if they are, I don’t care. You’re here and that’s that. I’m fine with it, so they should be too.” He cocked his head to the side, peering at her more closely. “Why? Are you not comfortable with being here?” There was a quick flash in his eyes and his lips quirked up. “Any particular reason why you shouldn’t be?”

  Kerry stared at him. What was he playing at now? One minute hot, the next cold. “No, Jes. I’m fine with it. There’s nothing for me to be uncomfortable about.”

  His smile widened and he stepped back, letting out a sigh that was followed by a distinct flush of embarrassment to his tanned cheeks. “Good,” he said, the relief evident in his voice. “We can move on now, right?”

  “Let’s. Please.” Dear Lord, please. She wouldn’t—no, couldn’t let him know he was getting to her. Kerry did her best to smile as she put the yarns in her hand on the table, arranging and rearranging them by color and then by texture. She hoped they could move on. He seemed to be.

  Jesse tapped her on the top of her head.

  “What’s with that?” she said, rubbing at her head. “We’re not in high school.”

  He frowned. “Well, then stop overthinking like you’re studying for the SATs. Your living here is not that serious. And you could do with getting over yourself a little too, missy. Not everything is about you.”

  Kerry blinked. Not about her? So she was right—she had walked in on something else. Which meant she needed to get over her own shit, and quick. What she had said to Val earlier was true. He didn’t think of her as anything more than a distant family member, so distant that she’d be lucky if he even tried her potato salad if offered at the Strong family barbecue.

  “I am over myself,” she said. “I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about. When was I ever into myself?”

  Jesse laughed.

  “Either way, I’m not thinking about my living situation. But what’s the problem? Is it anythi
ng I can help with?”

  His smile quickly disappeared. “You’re doing more than enough. I couldn’t ask for more.”

  Kerry didn’t like the sound of that, but something in his voice let her know she’d pushed enough for one day.

  “Fine. And I got Damian’s message loud and clear. We need to get the business up and running as quickly as we can. Is taking these things down and doing your planned renovations even still possible?”

  Jesse looked around. His eyes were full of determination, but now she also saw something else she couldn’t quite place. Fear? Uncertainty? Desperation? Maybe a bit of all of that. “It has to be,” Jesse said. “I’m going to make sure it all works out.” He gave her a wobbly smile and her heart did a little half tilt. “I’m not worried about it, Kerry, and you shouldn’t be either. We’ll give this place the face-lift it needs and get the shop open quickly. Plus, with you here giving me a crash course to get me in shape, we’ve got this.”

  Kerry let her eyes go to where his had gone as she fingered the tweed yarn. “Do you really want to go that far? It would go so much faster if we just reopened as is. You all don’t have a lot of money to spare.”

  He reached out and touched the yarn too. It was intimate, the gentle way his fingers trailed over the threads. Kerry could practically feel his fingers caressing her own skin. She swallowed, pulling her hand away and lacing her fingers, interlocking them with those of her other hand.

  “We can’t afford it and we can’t not afford it. Now is the time to pull out all the stops. We only have one chance at this.” The fear and desperation in his voice was clear now.

  Kerry reached over and patted his hand.

  He looked at her coolly as he pulled his hand away. The look was not like one she was used to, and neither was his tone. “We have to at least give the place some sort of meaningful change and modernization. We need to move the furniture around, paint. Give the windows a face-lift. Perhaps new signage. Do something to let people know that, although it’s not completely changed, there is something new here.”

  Something new. Jesse’s words, even his in-the-moment cool demeanor, resonated with Kerry. He was right. Hell, she’d known he was right when she’d overheard him back when she was helping Errol with his tangled project. She looked around the shop again. Lighter paint in strategic spots would bring out the beauty of Mama Joy’s dark woods, giving the shop a much-needed brightness. Bringing in some of the ideas from his Pinterest boards could certainly help modernize the place, and updating the windows could do a lot for street traffic.

  “You’re right, I know. But still, we should be careful. You wouldn’t want to alienate any of the older, long-standing customers.”

  “Don’t worry, we won’t. Besides, I’ve got you to be sure of that.”

  Kerry’s brows tightened. “What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to imply I’m some sort of fuddy-duddy?”

  Jesse’s lips quirked as he looked her up and down. Dammit if she wasn’t suddenly self-conscious about her overly ironed top and practically to-the-knee shorts. It was as if the shorts that Val had chopped were calling her name, but just as fast as she heard their call, she let the sound fade away. She’d never be able to pull them off. And even if she could, the effect would be wasted on Jesse. Better to save them for a night out with Val. Surely, she wouldn’t go home alone wearing those. But that thought caused her to pull up short too.

  Whose home would she go to? Right now, she couldn’t even take a guy back to her own place, and there was no way she’d be pulling one through here, not in Damian’s room. She grinned; the thought of Jesse having the type of run-in that she’d had with Erika did hold a certain amount of appeal. She twisted her lip. It was all wasted thinking. Wasted and silly.

  She stopped Jesse with a challenging glare. “Well?”

  “Of course I’m not calling you old,” he finally said after two beats too long. “I’m just saying your sweet charm will be sure to keep the seasoned set coming through.”

  She let out a groan. “Whatever, dude. I got your point.” She turned, annoyed, but glad he was showing his ass and helping put the kibosh on the prickly feelings she was having. “Since you started, let’s continue with taking down the old yarns. Back up on the ladder with you,” she ordered as she set the tweeds aside. “Let’s move it. There’s only so much time left today.”

  “Ker, I didn’t—” he started. She looked at him, waiting for his next words, but he stopped. “You’re right,” he said, seemingly switching gears and heading back up the ladder. “There’s only so much time left. Can you spot me and catch the yarns as I toss them down?”

  15

  Despite all its weird awkwardness, it was still a good day.

  Plans for the shop were hashed out and firmed up. At least Kerry felt they kind of were. Jesse seemed confident, and that was enough for her to at least feel a moderate amount of relief, though she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was still off. But if they followed their schedule and had the help of the other brothers, they should be about ready to successfully fully reopen within a couple of weeks, if not sooner. Sure, that would probably not satisfy Damian, but nothing probably ever would. This way he’d at least be moderately appeased with what she hoped was steady progress. Kerry, for one, would back Jesse up. At least for now.

  He’d convinced her—they were either in it to win it or they were out. “Mama Joy would be proud,” Kerry said as she picked up another box of sorted yarn to move it to the storage area. When Jesse didn’t respond, she thought maybe he hadn’t heard her. She stepped around to see him and noticed the hard set of his jaw. “Okay, note to self. Don’t bring up Mama Joy.”

  Jesse’s pupils seemed to dilate as they focused on her. “No,” he said softly. “Of course you can bring her up. I’d just rather you didn’t go on with me on all that ‘she would be proud’ bullshit though.”

  Where the hell had that come from?

  She watched as he stalked over to the large counter and reached to pick up the remote. In seconds the shop was filled with the sounds of the local R&B station. They were playing an old nineties jam that was still in high rotation. There was smacking, flipping and rubbing down, and Kerry was getting some serious deflection vibes from the way Jesse was nodding his head as if he was suddenly all into the old groove.

  Kerry rolled her eyes, then marched over and picked up the remote and flipped the switch to another station. But when a more contemporary song came on with lyrics about working and spinning on it, Kerry opted to change it back. She lowered the volume. “Fine, but you could turn it down a bit. I got your message loud and clear. I’ll temper my words, or better yet, I won’t talk at all.” She started to walk away, but his hand on the top of her arm pulled her back. She swung around to him, looking him hard in his eyes.

  “That’s not it. You can say what you want, Kerry. It’s me. I just don’t know how well I can receive it, and I don’t want to hurt you by acting like an ass and lashing out in the wrong way.”

  Kinda like you just did. Kerry bit at her lip as she looked at him more closely. She could see that now. He really didn’t want to act like an ass, as he said—at least not all the time. And he really was hanging by a thread. Struggling at every turn with trying to find the right words to say, and even worse, the ones to hold back on. And she did the same. If it was hard for her, then how much harder must it be for him? His emotions must be totally on edge, and here she was constantly underfoot. She knew what it was like being afraid that whatever you said would surely come out wrong and so, in the end, opting for the simplest and the shortest thing.

  “I understand,” Kerry said.

  Jesse nodded. “I know you do. And I’m sorry about that. I wish you didn’t.”

  Just then Kerry’s stomach growled. Loudly.

  “Well, if that isn’t necessary comic relief,” Jesse said.

  “And at my
expense,” Kerry mumbled. “Who would have thought it.”

  He reached out and gave her arm a nudge. “Since when have we ever been embarrassed around each other, roomie?”

  “Since when have we not?” Kerry blurted out before her mind could stop the words.

  Jesse looked at her in shock before his eyes went soft and he smiled. “Have you always been this silly? We’ll be getting closer over these next few weeks that you’re here. I’m sure we’ll get to know each other a lot more intimately than a stomach growl as time goes on.”

  She side-eyed him, and he laughed, more of his typical easygoing self back.

  “Chill it out a little, Ms. Dirty Mind.” He shook his head, then came closer to her. Looked her in the eyes with a playful grin. “Jeez. Now I see why you were embarrassed. Kerrryyy! I wonder if Ma Joy ever had any hint of just what types of thoughts were going on behind those innocent big brown eyes.”

  “You chill! I was referring to the thought of you and getting intimate with your bodily functions. I hope you can remember that there is a woman staying with you and put the toilet seat down when you go. I don’t want to hit water if I have to go in the middle of the night.”

  He leaned back up and tilted his head. “Don’t worry. My ma taught me well enough about that.”

  She nodded and turned away, but her stomach growled again.

  “I’ll be back,” Jesse said, starting for the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “You’re obviously hungry. I’m going to the bodega and picking us up some sandwiches.”

  She put up her hands and shook her head. “You don’t have to feed me, Jesse. I don’t want to put you out.”

  He let out a frustrated breath. “And I’m supposed to concentrate over the racket of your stomach.” He smiled. “Relax. I could eat too. Chopped cheese is okay? Chips and a soda?”

  Kerry nodded. “Fine. With extra hot sauce.”

  She wouldn’t argue with him anymore. If he wanted to feed her, she’d let him. Besides, at the moment she needed her appetite satiated, and more so she needed Jesse Strong out of her immediate space so she could take a much-needed deep breath.