Real Men Knit

by Kwana Jackson

  The other big bonus was she’d be working directly under Val, who’d been promoted to assistant department program director. A job she was meant to do. It was terrible to say—okay, not terrible, but honest. Shit, Val was perfect for that job, and Ali could kick rocks. Let her pull her weight for once with her new assignment as Linda’s assistant, something far more fitting to her skill set. It was all good. Really good. So why was Kerry holding back?

  “Why are you keeping secrets?” Jesse finally said, his voice a low rumble at her back.

  Damn him.

  “When will you ever not be in my head?” she replied.

  “When you finally get out of my heart, so that will be never.”

  Kerry snorted, trying to shake off his easily said words, but she knew the true gravity of them. The question was, did he know? The image of Erika sidling up to Jesse came to her mind. The smooth way she’d touched his arm earlier, like he was hers. There would always be an Erika in Jesse’s life. It was inevitable with him. Just as it had always been. What they had couldn’t go on for much longer, and she knew it. She’d seen the end of too many of his relationships, and her time was clearly running out.

  Seemed it was the same for Kerry as it had been for her mother and all her bad men, and now bad women. Earlier that day, she’d spoken to her mom, who’d called for yet another role-reversal talk session and cried to her about love on the rocks. It seemed her track record for being a terrible picker would still stand undefeated, gender be damned. Kerry had had it. She had seen so many failed relationships through her mother’s eyes, some much worse than others. The far worse ones, full of tears and intimidation, were what sent her out of the house and to Strong Knits in the first place. Her mother was and always would be one for an all-in kind of love. Kerry knew she had that tendency in her blood and had to fight with all her might against it. Thankfully, though it would temporarily hurt like hell, it was probably right on time for saving her heart in the long run. She’d also gotten another call. Her apartment was done. The necessary repairs were made on her building and she could go back to her place at any time.

  No more living out of a suitcase. No more infringing on the Strong brothers’ private space, and no more falling asleep and waking up in Jesse’s warm and, to her, perfect arms. The days and nights of her temporary fantasy were coming to an end.

  “So, when are you going to tell me?” Jesse said.

  Kerry froze. Tell him. She didn’t want to tell him. Not yet. Though she knew it was silly and immature because he probably already knew, telling him would make it real. Make it final. Still he asked. Why did he have to go and ask?

  “Tell you what?” Kerry’s voice felt thick in her throat. She turned around and looked into Jesse’s beautiful, mossy eyes, hoping at that moment that she’d never forget the view. Him above her. Looking at her like she was truly his one and only. Forever.

  Kerry swallowed, then finally spoke. “I’m leaving.”

  Jesse was silent as he only continued to look at her, giving away nothing, his eyes barely even flickering.

  “My apartment is ready,” she said, then fought to make her voice lighter and brighter. “And I’ve been given a great opportunity at the center. They finally offered me a full-time job as a teacher and counselor there.”

  Finally, his expression changed. Kerry watched as his pupils sharpened and the green in his eyes darkened with shades of a deeper evergreen. “They, or him?”

  Kerry stiffened. “What do you mean ‘him’?”

  “There is nothing to mean,” he said. She could already feel him emotionally pulling away, and the pain was almost physical. “Forget I said it,” he said, then leaned down and kissed her. “I’m happy for you. This is what you wanted. Things are lining up. It’s great.”

  He kissed her again, taking the kiss deeper and then lower to trail down her neck. He looked back up at her. “So, your place is ready, huh?” Jesse let out a long sigh. “I can’t pretend to be happy about that, but then again, you do snore like crazy,” he joked as he playfully smacked her on her thigh.

  She was used to his joking, but this felt different. This wasn’t Jesse playing with Kerry, his old friend and now lover, but Jesse being Jesse, dropping a line to any other woman. His hand roamed from her thigh to her belly and up to her breast. He ran his thumb across her nipple in that way he’d learned, oh so quickly, she’d liked, and against her mind, her body responded.

  He smiled. “Snoring aside, since you’ll be leaving me soon, I might as well do my best,” he said, “to make you sleep well while I still have you. As deep and peacefully as possible.”

  She quirked a brow. “And how do you plan on ensuring that? You got a Breathe Right strip in your pocket or something?”

  Jesse laughed, or maybe it was more a low grumble, as his mouth went from her lips to her breasts and continued its trail down to between her legs. “Let’s call it ‘or something,’” he said before settling her in for the night.

  26

  Don’t worry, I’ll still be back here to work in the shop for the next couple of weeks. I can do Saturday and part-time Sunday and some of the evening classes. We’re still only setting up the new curriculum for the start of school,” Kerry said when Jesse was just putting the last of her bags on her bedroom floor.

  He stared at her. Who was the woman who was talking to him like he was just another coworker and not the man who’d made her come three times last night and twice just that morning?

  Kerry had just come out of her bathroom after having inspected the new sparkling white paint job. She was so pretty as she grinned at him with that big bright smile and those wide, round eyes. She also looked all wrong. Why was she here? Why was he dropping her off here and going back home without her? Alone. All fucking alone.

  He walked forward and pulled her into his arms, kissing her, and needing her oh so much. Jesse wanted nothing more than to take her back—no, not take her back, he just couldn’t do that. Maybe beg her to stay? He pulled away and looked into her eyes.

  “You know,” he started, “who knows what kind of job they did here or how safe things are. You could still stay at the house. There really is no rush.” He sniffed the air. “And this paint still smells too fresh. Like it’s toxic or something.”

  Kerry frowned. And looked around. He knew he was reaching. “I’m sure it’s fine. And I’m sure you’re glad to be rid of me. And hey, Damian has his full closet back now.” She paused. “I have to remember to buy him new sheets.”

  “Fuck his closet and his sheets.”

  “Jesse.”

  He looked her in the eyes. “You don’t have to go, you know.”

  “I know and I do,” she said. Her voice was so soft now but so very clear.

  Jesse rubbed her upper arms, wanting to let the feelings of his urgent heart out but too afraid to put a voice to them. What if she still said no?

  It was Kerry who spoke. Saving him, again. “This is where I should be. There are plans, and . . .” She paused and looked him in the eye. Her eyes glistened and she blinked. Don’t cry, Kerry. I’m not here to make you cry. She smiled as if hearing his silent plea. “There is always the danger that I could lose myself in you.”

  Lose herself? The words crushed him more than a no ever could. He never wanted that. Not when he was so lost himself. Not when he couldn’t be trusted to care for her like she deserved to be cared for. She knew him best. If she said it, if she didn’t believe he could make her happy, if she didn’t believe in him, then it must be true. Lose herself in him, and become what? Nothing? Gone before her time like every other woman who’d ever cared for him. He nodded and took a half step back.

  “I guess you’re right,” he said.

  Kerry looked at him in confusion, and then as her smile wavered and a little bit of the light in her eyes dimmed, she reached out and ran her hand along the back of his neck. Her voice was smo
oth and sweet, soft and placating when she spoke, and he hated every syllable. “Don’t worry, Jesse, you’ll be fine. And I’ll still honor the commitment I made.”

  He pulled back fully, the anger suddenly as real as the raised hairs on the back of his neck. “I’m not your commitment, Kerry. I never was.”

  Kerry looked at him, the hurt clear in her eyes. But she didn’t lash out. Only nodded. “You’re right. And I thought I made it clear that the commitment I made was to the shop and myself, not to you. Don’t worry, I wasn’t trying to imply anything to hold you down.”

  He let out a breath. “Ridiculous woman.”

  “As if a runner like you could ever hold or be held down.”

  He threw up his hands and turned away from her, heading toward the hall. “Thanks, Kerry Girl. For everything. Truly. We couldn’t have made it as far as we have without you.”

  * * *

  “So, she’s gone?” Damian asked.

  “Like gone, gone?” Lucas said.

  “Really gone?” Noah chimed in from his Skype call.

  “What part of the definition of fucking gone do you idiots not understand?” He was back in the shop after he’d dropped Kerry off. It was his first official Sunday open without her, and the fact that he had flipped the sign from closed to open without her there had exhausted him.

  “But she’ll be back later, right? For the afternoon class? And what about lunch?” Lucas asked. “We were all supposed to have lunch together.”

  Jesse looked at him like he’d grown another head. “Lunch—what are you going on about? Make your own damn lunch. Stop acting like she was our mom.”

  “Tell that to yourself,” Damian suddenly said.

  “What?” Jesse said.

  “You’re the one who was all torn and confused in your thoughts, not sure if she was some sort of sister, girlfriend or surrogate mother figure. Your head was totally fucked up and you screwed it all up by overthinking.”

  “He’s right,” Noah said from the laptop on the desk. “You were both better when you were younger and knew your minds. But I get it. The stress with losing Mama Joy and then taking on the shop has been hard on both of you.”

  Jesse turned away and picked up his knitting needles. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Damian watched him, his eyes practically heating Jesse’s hands. “I think you do. If not, you’ll figure it out soon enough.”

  Lose herself. Jesse looked at the little display hat he was knitting and suddenly thought of Kerry and her words to him. She had done so much for them over the years, silently and not so silently. He thought of her holding that damned recycling when Erika had stayed over and he wanted to kick his own ass again. All her afternoons with the OKG making the shop more than a business, but a home away from home for them. The coffee and snacks always at the ready now for him and his brothers since Mama Joy had been gone. He looked at each of his brothers as they gave him knowing looks back. And now they were freaking hungry and wanted lunch. He threw down his needles. “Fine. I’ll make your hungry asses some lunch, but I’m not doing dinner too.”

  27

  Kerry looked around the classroom. Everything was neat and ready. Desks lined up perfectly. Art supplies in place for today’s project. The kids would be coming in soon, and she was glad. It felt good being at work. At least here she could pretend that she was happy and busy and not a complete heartbroken wreck who desperately missed a man she hadn’t heard from in over a week. For all she knew he’d probably moved on from her to the next.

  She let out a long sigh then and got a hard nudge from Val in return for it. “That’s the third one, you know, in as many minutes.”

  “Third what?” Kerry asked, turning to her friend. They only had a few more weeks as teaching mates before they went on break and then came back to take on their new roles. Kerry was still excited about her new job, but it was hard to get as happy as the changes warranted when her heart was being torn in two.

  “Third sigh,” Val said.

  Kerry frowned. “You’re actually counting?”

  “What else can I do? It’s about all I get out of you lately, since you’re useless when it comes to conversation. I thought at least if you’re suffering and heartbroken, we could commiserate over what a jerk that Jesse Strong is. But you won’t even give me that. Just these awful sighs. So I’m counting.”

  Kerry shook her head as the kids began to file in. She frowned as they all finally took their seats.

  This was the second class that Errol had missed. He’d been on track for a perfect attendance award, and now that was ruined. Not that he wouldn’t get other awards at the upcoming end-of-season assembly, but still, she couldn’t help but wonder what was keeping him from class.

  “Did we get a call from Errol’s mom about him being absent? It’s not like him. You think they may have gone on vacation?” she asked Val when the kids were having some quiet time.

  Val shook her head. “I didn’t hear that, but I can check in the office.” Then she frowned. “Wait a minute, I know they didn’t go on vacation, because I think I saw his mother at the grocery store yesterday. I’ll make a call.”

  “Okay, but let’s be careful. I remember he was being bullied by some boys about knitting. I wouldn’t want to make things harder for him by causing problems at home.”

  Val nodded. “Yes, but we have to check it out.”

  Kerry smiled, though her worries were still strong. “Ay, ay, captain,” she said, and smiled wider when Val blushed.

  “Oh, do go on!”

  * * *

  The next day Kerry was happy to see Errol back and the class complete again. Still, she could detect a change in him; the usual happy spirit that was normally in him seemed faded. Val noticed it too. “So what do you think?” she asked Kerry when the kids left to head for their music program.

  Kerry shook her head. “I don’t know. He said he’s fine, and it was all the right words, but something is not right. When I asked him if he was looking forward to the start of the school year, he seemed pretty down. That worries me, because he is a good student. Then he brought up going out for the basketball team, which is great, but he’s never showed interest in it before.”

  “I know,” Val said. “I can’t help but wonder if it has to do with Troy and his crew. During free time I heard them saying something to him about him giving up his girly arts and crafts and joining the team.”

  Kerry sucked in a breath. “Those little jerks.”

  Val nodded, then shook her head. “I know. But I put a squash on it. They thought they could flex in front of the girls by picking on Errol. Not that it worked, but what do they know at that age?”

  Kerry shook her head. “They need to learn and quick.”

  “That they sure do,” Val agreed.

  28

  With the end of the summer just about here, the kids were excited but so very restless. They were more than ready for their short two-week break before the school year would begin, and they were showing it by being generally rambunctious, and at times downright surly know-it-alls.

  Then, to top things off, on this day, instead of it being bright and sunny, or at least just bright-ish enough that they could go outside for free play time, there was practically a mini monsoon, and they were stuck inside bouncing all that pent-up energy off the center walls and back at the teachers and counselors.

  Who could blame them? Kerry could admit she was feeling just about as frayed as the kids were, as she tried, along with the rest of the staff, to get everyone quieted down in the assembly room for the special program. They were having a few people from the community come in to talk with the kids about careers, which was great, because it was never too early to get them started.

  In New York, the competition was tough, and as early as elementary school, kids had to begin prepping for the rigorous and, in many
folks’ opinions, skewed high school testing process. Kerry hoped today’s program would help them but not add weight to their young, already stressed minds. Still, she wasn’t in the mood to smile and play happy teacher today, which sucked and made her feel guilty. The kids deserved much more than her bringing her baggage to work.

  Kerry did a little shake. “Get it together,” she told herself as a way of jolting her mind and body right.

  But sleep had once again skipped over her the night before. She couldn’t believe how quickly she’d gotten used to spending the night with Jesse’s arms wrapped around her. Just what she’d told herself not to do. At two a.m. she was up flipping channels on her little TV. Picking up her knitting project did nothing but frustrate her all the more. She wanted to bang on the shop’s door and beg Jesse to let her in. Though of course she knew that wasn’t all she wanted.

  Kerry let out a sigh and looked around at the myriad excited young faces. All skin tones, from the fairest of the fair to the most beautiful deep mahogany, sweet dimples and bright brown eyes. Her heart twisted. She needed to get it together. Being tired, stifling yawns and only half watching kids who deserved her full attention was not going to cut it. If this was what being in love did to you, she’d done right cutting it loose.

  She guessed?

  Despite telling herself not to, she’d gone into the shop last Saturday to work and help out with the lessons. Immediately she knew that the Jesse she encountered was not the man she’d left just days before. He was cool—maybe a little too cool. His smile was there, but each time he sent it her way, there was a slight, brittle chill at the end of it. His words were careful, a little too controlled and measured. As they sat on the opposite ends of the table with the six new knitters between them, the tension was almost more than she could take.