Love In Troubled Waters

by S. J. Wilcox

  She knew that she wanted Liam, but the longer they spent apart, the more likely it seemed she would be waiting for a very long time, or worse that they’d never be together again at all. Now that she had remembered what being with a good man felt like, it was hard to imagine going without for such an indefinite amount of time, even if no man would ever stack up to Liam. It was another reason she kept herself indoors instead of going on her usual jaunts to the bars and clubs. She didn’t want to succumb to the temptation.

  Dear Liam,

  I hope we find that day, too. I miss you like crazy. I’m keeping myself as busy as I can with my photography jobs. They’re few and far between right now, but I feel confident that as more people talk about my services, business will really pick up. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been watching lots of cheesy chick flicks lately and thinking of you while my roommate is gone. I’m also very proud of you and what you are doing. Although I hate to be without you, I understand and would never ask you to sacrifice such an amazing calling just to be with me when I’m lonely.

  Isabelle

  She knew her messages were a bit short and cold and she felt her heart hardening but tried not to sound too sad or desperate in her messages and phone calls with him. He had an important job to do, and the last thing he needed was to worry about some pitiful ex-addict who was moping around in her apartment all alone over a man she’d only actually been with for 14 days, give or take.

  As soon as she hit send, she felt something needed to change about how she was handling things while Liam was off serving the country and enjoying the beautiful, warm beach. She was tired of being miserable. She had to do something. She couldn’t stay cooped up eating junk food on the couch forever, and she was the only person who could take the initiative to get herself out of the funk she was in. She threw the blanket off herself and went to take a shower for the first time in three days, but not before sending a message to her sister and an old friend who was in graduate school nearby.

  I have got to get out of the house this weekend. Want to meet up and hit a club or 2?

  Chapter 5

  Isabelle climbed into Holly’s car where two other women already waited for her. The smell of perfume was a bit overwhelming, knocking her back while she tried to get settled in the backseat. Cassidy and Samantha were joining them for a night out. Samantha was a co-worker of Holly’s, and Cassidy an old friend of Isabelle’s. She felt a buzz in the air as the girls joked and listened to music on their way to the New York club that Samantha was getting them all into.

  Isabelle finally felt like she was doing something for herself; something healthy to get her mind out of the rut it was in without Liam around. She made a deal with herself right then that she wasn’t going to even talk about him. She wasn’t going to be the classic pitiful woman missing a man right now; she was just going to be a young woman having a great time with girlfriends.

  It wasn’t too long before Holly was leaving her car with the valet, and the women were easily sliding inside the door of the loud, booming club. There were beautiful bodies everywhere; totally unlike the places Isabelle typically spent her time with burnt out corporate people in hotel bars. The music was so loud they had to scream as they ordered their drinks at the glass bar that literally wrapped around the entire space, which was really just a large dance floor. Everywhere Isabelle looked there were people laughing, drinking, and dancing the night away. She knew it was a great place to get lost in, and she took a deep breath, allowing herself to go with the flow of the night as the women took their place on the dance floor, drinks in hand.

  She quickly lost track of how many drinks she had had, something she should have known better about considering her history, but then again, what was going to happen when her sister and friends were right there with her? They were looking out for her.

  Some men approached them on the dance floor, weaving their way between the women and pairing off. She watched her sister Holly blush as the oldest of them began to bump and grind with her, giving her a compliment on how she looked. Holly wasn’t that confident in her looks or the flirting type, so it was nice to see someone taking an interest, and making her smile, even if it was only for a night.

  The other two women didn’t hesitate, grinding up against the two, good-looking young men before them. Isabelle glanced up, trying to get a good grip on the look of the man who had begun to move in rhythm with her, though their bodies did not touch. He was being gentlemanly, and it, unfortunately, reminded her of just the person she was trying to forget she was missing.

  Though, when she looked up into his eyes, she saw that they were brown instead of blue, and his face was rounder. He had a couple of piercings and dyed black hair; not unlike some of the men she had dated in the past. This guy looked younger than her though, perhaps barely old enough to be in the club. Isabelle tried to let herself have fun, took a deep breath and began to move to the sound of the music.

  The man took her new enthusiasm and ran with it, pulling her hips into his body as they moved to the hypnotic beat of the dance tune blasting out from the speakers of the club. The lights above the dance floor pulsed to the same rhythm, adding to the mesmerizing effect of the whole place, and Isabelle easily got lost in the man’s body and movements up against her own. He felt warm and comforting in a space she hadn’t realized until now had gone cold in the months she’d been without Liam, and she could easily imagine herself going home with the goth guy, shivering into his arms through the night to try and recapture what she was afraid she would never have again if she didn’t take it.

  Spontaneously, she turned her body around, pressing against him. He was pliant, and placed his mouth on hers drinking her lips down like a thirsty man in the desert. She could feel through his jeans that he wanted her, and she didn’t push him away, the drinks taking over and clouding her best judgment.

  “Do you want to go somewhere?” he whispered to her, nodding fervently, showing his age even more. How many fantasies of his was she fulfilling at the moment? Although shallow, it felt a bit empowering to think that she could cause such a reaction in a man, instead of being a slave to the pleasure he could potentially give her. She was tired of feeling like a helpless slave.

  As he pulled her through the crowd and to the exit sign that blared through the blurry row of sweaty bodies, Isabelle felt a tug at her wrist. Turning around she saw a wide-eyed Holly, looking at her as if she was about to commit a crime. “I can’t let you do this!” Holly screamed over the noise, as the man oblivious to their pause, went out the door without Isabelle. Holly was soon joined by Samantha who helped practically drag Isabelle to the ladies’ room, safe from the goth man who might come back looking for her wondering where she could have gone.

  Not a word was said as the two began to fill the sink with water to splash on Isabelle’s face and then cleaned her up with a paper towel before leading her out to Holly’s car. Isabelle was disappointed and humiliated as they drove off, leaving the other two women to ride home with some B-list celebrity that Samantha knew inside.

  “I shouldn’t have brought you here. I should have noticed you weren’t in the state to handle this.” Holly kept her eyes on the road as her voice revealed fear and anger, but Isabelle could tell the anger was more positioned at herself than Isabelle. That’s how her sister was, always playing the role of a mother because Isabelle no longer had one she could turn to. “I think I should stay with you for the next couple of days. I can always do a little work on my laptop if we go pick it up. Is that alright with you?” Isabelle nodded as she stared at the fast-moving city lights as they passed the rest of the clubs and bars in New York filled with people doing just what they were.

  “It’s hard without him. I didn’t expect it to be this hard. I mean I barely know him, right?” Isabelle said softly. She felt it would be a good thing to get out there into the world.

  “And I’m sure it’s hard for him too. You just need to find a regular job to occupy yourself and go back to therapy if
needed. It’s good to have some maintenance once in a while, and this is your first big challenge really since getting out of school and rehab. I’ll go with you if you want.” Holly reached over and patted Isabelle on the leg, while Isabelle tried not to cry at the implications. She knew her sister meant well, but she wanted to be strong and done with all of the addiction and depression stuff that had gotten her into trouble years ago. She didn’t like being seen as a weakling who constantly needed help and monitoring, even if it might be the healthiest thing for her. But if she didn’t surrender to her sister and to sanity, would she dive back into that dark world of uncertainty and cravings that ruled everything? It wasn’t a place she wanted to be again. So, she let it go and leaned against the cool window as her sister drove through the night, discussing preparations. At least she wouldn’t be alone for now.

  It was around three or four in the morning when Isabelle was jarred awake by the car pulling into her apartment complex. Holly parked in the closest guest parking spot and began leading the now tired and disheveled Isabelle up the steps to her apartment, pulling the key out of her clutch and opening the door for her. She was put straight into her bed and given water. The television in her bedroom was turned on for comfort just like when she was a child and shared a room with Holly.

  Within an hour, she could hear Holly snoring from the couch in the living room, so she picked up her phone, feeling nostalgic, and began looking at the facebook walls of the people she used to know - before she got kicked out of her parents’ house. It wasn’t something she did very often. In fact, her birthday was the last time she’d heard from anyone, but memories came flooding back, both good and bad as she scrolled through the pages of those who now had careers, kids, and spouses.

  Then, she came across a profile she had been sure she had blocked, but maybe she’d forgotten to do it, having come out of rehab feeling so optimistic about things. Bradley’s green eyes and auburn hair gleamed from his profile picture, his smile and laugh appeared sincere, something she didn’t think he was capable of.

  Out of pure curiosity, which she told herself was fine to satisfy, Isabelle scrolled through his posts, statuses, pictures, and his whole profile, trying to find any part of the man she had once known. The one who had given her her first experience with drugs and then helped satisfy her addictions. The man who’d beaten her out of anger on more than one occasion.

  But instead, she was surprised to find a clean-cut man, part of a legitimate motorcycle club who helped charities, like those for sick children and those who built up community programs to keep teenagers off the streets and keep them from doing drugs. He still had his Harley and his signature red, curly beard, but it almost seemed like their breakup had led to an inspiration for him to change as well.

  Before she could think logically enough to stop herself, she sent him a Facebook message.

  Hi, it’s me. I just wanted to say I’m proud of the changes it seems you’ve made, and I hope you’re doing well.

  Chapter 6

  “You look good in that uniform, as always,” Isabelle told Liam with a smile as she surveyed what she could see of him in the Skype window. It was late in the evening, and Isabelle sipped on a coffee at a small diner, waiting for the person she was meeting to arrive. She felt that she was doing a little bit better after Holly had stayed with her a few days and she had reconnected with Bradley in a friendly manner. It helped that she was getting to see Liam’s face for a change.

  “Well, you look stunning too. I really miss getting to touch you in person, though, all over,” he told her with a cute wink that made her heart skip a beat. She smiled genuinely. “So, how are things going with you? I know it must be a bit lonelier with your roommate out of town.”

  Isabelle thought it best not to mention the almost disaster at the club or her depression, now that she was doing better. “It’s hard some days, but Holly has been great. She’s trying to help me get a full-time photography gig instead of just freelancing, and in the meantime, I think I’ve found something to do with myself.” She sat up proudly with a toothy grin. It was amazing who had given her the idea, but she thought it was brilliant anyway.

  “Oh? Tell me more.”

  “Well,” Isabelle began, trying not to get herself too excited before it was final. “I’m actually about to meet with some people right now to talk about volunteering at a counseling center for kids and young adults struggling with addiction or for those whose parents have addiction problems. I don’t know if it will work out or not, but I hope that I finally get to use my past for something good.”

  Liam started cheering and clapping jovially, and smiling his bright smile. “I am so proud of you, Isabelle. That’s amazing. You’re going to make such a difference in their lives. If I were there I would give you a big kiss. But…” Liam paused and leaned down. He fumbled through something before coming up with a fist full of something he had been hiding from her. “I do have something I want to show you that I’ll be shipping out to you tomorrow. I really hope you like it.” His hand opened to reveal what he was holding, and Isabelle gasped. It was a rose gold necklace with a pendant of three small teardrop shaped sapphires. It was the most beautiful and probably most expensive item of jewelry she had seen in her life.

  “Is that for me, really?” she asked, shocked that he would spend so much on her, especially being so far away. She wanted to cry because she felt like she didn’t deserve it or such a wonderful man.

  “Of course, it’s for you. I wanted to get you something to help you remember that I am always close to your heart, until we can be reunited. Do you like it?”

  “I love it,” she told him. How could she not? It was stunning. “It’s beautiful and I can’t wait to wear it. Thank you so much, Liam. Yes, I love it.”

  “I’m glad. Look, I’ll let you get to your meeting. I have to get in my barracks and get to bed. Every morning here is an early one.” He blew her a kiss, and she blew one back before they hung up. Isabelle found herself wiping a tear from her eye before she looked up to see a familiar man walking toward her with a smile on his face, much like the one in the picture she had seen on his profile. He had his arms wide, welcoming a warm hug as she stood to greet him.

  “It has been a long time, Bradley,” she said, before sitting back down in her seat as he took the one in the booth across from her. Isabelle felt jittery and awkward, and immediately began to regret the coffee as he looked her over as if it were an inspection. She knew it was insane that she was meeting the man who had ruined her life so long ago, and set her on a downward spiral, but she hoped he had really changed and felt that he could help her right now with all of the programs he was involved in. He was just a means to a happy ending, and she was sure now, looking at him and smelling the mixture of cologne and toothpaste, that this was not the same man she broke up with after getting out of the rehab program.

  “Wow, Izzy, it’s great to see you! I have to say, you really haven’t changed a bit,” he told her, leaning back comfortably in the seat just as the waiter came to get their food order. She watched in interest as he ordered a large breakfast platter at ten at night and only water to drink.

  “I can’t really say that about you,” she told him in a shaky voice she wished she was better at hiding.

  “Look, I can see that you’re nervous, and there’s no need to be. I understand that I didn’t treat you right back then. I know you went through a world of hurt that I can only imagine, but I’m just here as a friend to help guide you in the process of making yourself better. Just like we talked about,” he offered, reaching over and placing his hands over hers. “So, tell me what your motivations are?” he asked, leaning back in his seat again, leaving her palms feeling hot and sweaty from his touch. It brought back a few unwanted memories of when things were good, when being with a gang member who promised to protect her made her feel safe and wanted. That hadn’t been the case, though.

  “Well, I’ve been clean for years now, but I haven’t really started re
building my life and relationships until recently. I feel like I’ve allowed myself to fade into the background of routine to stay out of trouble, and now I have people in my life who I want and need to make proud. There’s a man, a Navy man, who is out there serving our country who I strive each day to deserve, my sister who has cared for me through everything, and my parents whom I would love to make proud again and rebuild that relationship. I guess I’m just trying to put the pieces back together and become a person worth loving again.” It was hard to hear her own insecurities voiced out loud, but they were insecurities she was sure another ex-addict would share. It was the only reason she was risking time in his company. “I want to make a positive difference and when I saw that you were involved with all the teen programs and such, I thought you could point me in the right direction.”

  “I would love to help you, Izzy, but I don’t think you’re in it for the right reasons just yet. I’m glad that you think you’ve found a nice man and that your sister hasn’t abandoned you, but you’re trying to live up to the expectations of others who will never understand or accept what you’ve been through. Your parents should have never abandoned their daughter in her darkest hour, and if it were me, those would not be people I’d want back in my life. And this Navy man of yours, when he gets back from wherever he is, will he really be able to handle your past demons long term?”

  Isabelle’s head popped up as the food was delivered to the table, and she glared daggers at Bradley. What right did he have to say anything about who she chose to be with after what he’d put her through? Did he not remember all the damage he had done to her? “You don’t know anything about him or our relationship, Bradley,” she seethed, ready to get up and leave right that second. “I knew I shouldn’t have contacted you and come here.” She raised her voice. “I really wanted to reach out and help people, but I should have trusted my own intuition.”