Shadows of a Dream

by Nicole Disney

  “Jaselle—”

  “Please.”

  “I can’t take something so valuable for free,” I say.

  She leans against me. “Can you take me for free?”

  I chuckle. “That’s not the same.”

  “Isn’t it?” She kisses me. “Take the damn piano.”

  “I don’t have anywhere to take it anyway.”

  “For now. You can keep it here until you do.”

  She says it like it’s already done, like I will have a place. I’m not sure what to do with that kind of confidence. The assumption is a little intimidating.

  “I have a question,” she says.

  I exaggerate a sigh. “I played you the song already, you trying to kill me tonight?”

  “Just one little question.”

  “You better make it a good one, ’cause that’s seriously all you get tonight.”

  “That’s all I ever get, what are you talking about? I’m lucky if I get one.”

  “Okay, okay. What?”

  “Do you love me?”

  It catches me off guard, but I don’t miss a beat. “You have no idea.”

  Chapter Eight

  Something burning through the new sun. Jaselle, one foot propped on the box of a heater that protrudes from the wall, smoking the last of the meth, or crystal, as she prefers to call it. She lazily points her exhale to the open window above her.

  “Looks like there’s one more. You want it?” She holds out the foil and lighter. I go over to her, not sure if I do want it, but she’s high, and I’m not one to be left behind. I pull the smoke to me, waiting for the rush of a fresh hit, but it pales next to the first one. I watch the last of it burn out, dissatisfied.

  I find myself on the carpet, not sleepy by a long shot, but feeling the sun press me into the floor. We’ve been up all night, I realize. The quiet in the living room is starting to irritate me.

  “Is he even here?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t gone out there.”

  Neither have I. I wouldn’t dare. It made me uncomfortable just creeping from the piano room back to Jaselle’s. No wonder it always seems like she’s sneaking around. I would too. What a crap way to live.

  “How do you want to die?” Jaselle asks suddenly.

  I crack my knuckles. “Alone.”

  She nods and appears to think about it before she speaks. “Isn’t that what most people don’t want?”

  “Probably.”

  “Why do you want to die alone?”

  “Having someone there makes you feel better but the other person feel like shit. I’d just rather quietly slip off. I’m not dragging anyone with me.”

  “I guess most people are afraid to die, and if someone they love is there it’s a little easier,” she says.

  “I guess.”

  “But you’re not afraid?”

  “Sure, I am,” I say. “But I don’t need anyone to drown in it with me.”

  “Who says it’s a bad thing to be there? I was with my grandma when she died. It was sad, and it sucked, but I was glad I was there.”

  Paramedics and flashing lights pop into my head. Slick grass and “Clear!”

  “But your grandma lived a full life, and probably died in her sleep in a bed, right?”

  “Yeah…” She waits for me to continue, but I’m not sure what to say, so she goes on. “So, you’re planning to die prematurely?”

  I feel the corners of my mouth draw down as I think that over. “Apparently, I expect to.”

  She leaves her perch by the window and comes over. “I’d love to be there when you die,” she says. I smile slowly and we both start laughing. “That sounded twisted,” she says. “But you know what I mean.”

  “What about you?” I ask. “How do you want to die?”

  “High.”

  “Really?” I’m genuinely surprised. “You don’t want to feel your last few minutes? Know what’s happening?”

  “Not really. I want to die laughing, looking the darkness in the face and not being afraid of it.”

  We just sit quietly for a few minutes. Once I feel like the right amount of time has passed I sigh. “I guess I should get going before Noah gets back.”

  She kisses me. “Absolutely not. I don’t want you crashing in the alley. You’re going to be out so hard nothing will wake you up. God knows what will happen to you.”

  “God knows what Noah will do to me if I’m still here when he gets home. He flat out said to be gone.” I try to stand up, but she pulls me down.

  “He didn’t mean that. He was just having an episode. He’s mad at me, not you.”

  I smile. “No, he was definitely mad at me, and I don’t have much choice if it’s his place.”

  “Rainn, stop. I’m serious, it’s not safe. Crash here, then you can go, okay?”

  I see a ripple of insecurity in the “then you can go,” like I want to go. I reach out and touch her face, giving in to her as my body begins to feel weighted with exhaustion.

  “I don’t want to cause problems for you,” I say. When she doesn’t answer I keep going, wishing I’d shut up with every passing word, but unable to stop. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to take care of me. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean you have to bring me in every time it snows, or let me stay because I’m crashing…” My mouth keeps moving but my brain is stuck on the word friend. It doesn’t feel appropriate anymore.

  “Really? I thought that was exactly what it meant,” she says. I wince at how easily she accepts the word. Friend. It didn’t even seem to bother her. Maybe we still are just that. I told her I loved her, didn’t I? Does it count when you’re high?

  She touches my face. “I want you here.”

  I smile. “Okay then.”

  I wouldn’t call Noah’s threat empty, or even a threat so much as a demand, but when he gets home it turns out Jaselle is right. He doesn’t say a word to either of us about it.

  I wake up. Again, I don’t remember falling asleep. That pisses me off. I want to hold Jaselle while we drift off together, but I always just feel like I went through a time warp instead.

  Jaselle isn’t next to me. No, wait, she isn’t even in the room. I sit up abruptly, alarmed at the realization. My atrophied muscles complain at the jolt. The sun is way too bright. Why won’t she get some stupid blinds?

  Did we really smoke meth? How long have I been sleeping? Where’s Jaselle? Where’s Noah? Did I really push him? My stomach wrenches harder the longer I think about it.

  The door opens and Jaselle comes to the bed. All my nerves calm as she slips under the covers next to me.

  “Morning, you,” she says. I scoot across the bed and wrap my arms around her, resting my head on her chest. She squeezes me.

  “How long did I sleep?” I ask.

  “A long time, babe, it’s two.”

  I shrug. “That’s not bad, ten hours or something?” She just looks at me until I’m forced to ask, “What?”

  “More like thirty-four hours, honey.”

  I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I clench up in horror. I’ve overstayed my welcome by a lot. Benny must be really worried by now. I’m completely humiliated. How long has she been up? I missed band practice.

  “I have to go.” I’ve already flown to my feet. Jaselle watches the whole thing. Her calm suddenly irritates me, too big of a contrast. She follows me to the door. I have my hand on the knob when she finally speaks.

  “Will I see you again?”

  I’m so startled by the question I completely forget I’m in a hurry. “What? Of course, you will.” She just keeps staring, so I grab her head and kiss it. “Of course, you will.”

  “I never know.”

  That’s depressing. I guess Benny was right as usual. I’m lucky as hell she’s persistent. My adoration hasn’t come across at all. “Baby, you’re going to see me all the time.” The words sound foreign, which only confirms that my instant, ridiculous, intoxicating love for this woman has faile
d to assert itself. “If you want,” I feel like I have to add.

  “You kidding? I can’t seem to get enough of you.”

  “Good.” I kiss her. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a pen. She grabs my hand and writes her number on it.

  “I’ll see you then,” she says.

  I force myself to leave calm and slow, but once I’m on the sidewalk I jog to the nearest bus stop. My need to tell the boys I’m okay is ridiculously pressing. Like the ten minutes I shave off from power walking are really going to change anything when I’ve been gone for three days. But despite all the time I spend telling myself that, when I finally see the Blue Moon sign I can’t stop myself from trotting the rest of the way.

  Benny says he wasn’t worried, that he knew I was staying with Jaselle, but he hugs me tight and I know he’s full of it. “You need to give me her number so I can check on you when you do that,” he says. His eyes move to the ink on my hand. I pull it away like I’m afraid he’ll memorize it without my consent.

  “I don’t know, Benny. I’m not sure I should be giving it out,” I say.

  “Who’s giving it out? What do you think I’m going to call her up for a date? Strictly for emergencies, I promise.”

  “I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I’ll call and let you know next time, okay?”

  “No, you won’t, just like you didn’t call this time.” He makes a playful grab for my hand.

  “I was too fucked up,” I confess self-consciously.

  “Exactly. Look, I’m not trying to babysit you. It’s just not like you to miss band practice.”

  “I know, I know. I feel guilty enough already,” I say.

  “I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I just want to know you’re okay is all.” Benny looks at me for a while waiting for me to say something, but I don’t. He picks up the phone. “She’s here,” he says. “Yeah, she’s fine.” He hangs up. “They’re on the way.”

  The boys show up in record time. Jayden’s Mohawk isn’t even spiked today. He trimmed it down too. I feel like I’ve been gone six months, not three days.

  “Are you all right?” Shiloh asks. He’s the first to make it across the room. I tell him I am. Alex gives me a fist bump and a wink. As long as someone got laid he’s happy.

  “Well, look who’s at band practice,” Jayden says. It should be no surprise by now he’s the difficult one.

  “I’m really sorry, guys,” I say. “I—”

  “No, no, it’s okay.” Shiloh and Alex can’t forgive fast enough, but Jayden…

  “She’s human, good. Now she can stop busting our balls over every little thing,” he says.

  I don’t like where this is going. Diffuse. “Look, it was a one-time thing, and I’m really sorry. Let’s get back on track, okay?”

  “Fucking her was a one-time thing? Was it that bad?” Jayden says.

  I want to knock his smug ass out. “Missing practice was a one-time thing, jerk. Strap up.” I point at his guitar.

  “I know how it goes,” he says with a slight weave to his posture that briefly makes me think he’s drunk, only I know he isn’t. “It’s a one-time thing until you need some pussy again.” I stare at him, willing him to put his stupid guitar on already before it’s too late. “She got a good pussy, Rainn?”

  I shove his shoulders with both hands as hard as I can, knocking him back a few steps. “What is your problem already, you hormonal brat?” I try to remove Alex’s arm from around me. He’s holding me back.

  “I’m not the one who missed practice,” Jayden says.

  “You either miss practice completely or are late every other day. Are you really going to hold this over me?”

  “I’m not the one who’s a Nazi about it though!” he yells. “Jayden, you’re late. Jayden, you’re not playing the song right. Jayden, you’re not in tune. Jayden—”

  I cut off his mockery. “You don’t think those things are important?”

  “Jayden, that girl is a slut.” His impression of my voice is starting to make me shake with anger.

  “You can—”

  “You’re no better than anyone else, Rainn! You found some ass you had to have and you blew off the band. And that’s fine, okay? But quit acting like you’re something else now. You’re just like us, so I don’t want any more guilt trips about how I bring us down.”

  “I swear to God if you don’t stop calling her a piece of ass I’m going to rip your Mohawk out,” I yell.

  “What do you think she is? A soul mate?”

  “Stop it. Not everything is always about sex. I’m not like you.”

  “Oh yes, you are,” he says.

  “No, you want me to be so you can feel better about yourself, but we both know it’s not the same.”

  “Hey, I feel great about myself. You’re the one who has a problem with me.”

  “I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore,” I say. “I messed up and I apologized. I’m not going to grovel. I’ve never done this before, ever, and if you think me missing one practice is your golden ticket to do whatever you want, you’re out of your mind.”

  “When did this become your band?”

  “When I became the only person working on the music!” I’m surprised how easily I claim the band. It doesn’t even bother me the way he intended.

  “This isn’t Rainn and the Suicidal Angels; it’s just the Suicidal Angels.”

  “I begged you to help me with the songs, Jayden, begged. You won’t. You want the power to do whatever you want with the songs, but you won’t do the work to make it sound good? Screw that.”

  “Guess what, I can do whatever I want.”

  “Oh, trust me, we know, Jayden. You’re so cool. You fuck whoever you want to fuck, you show up whenever you want to show up. Maybe the problem is that you don’t want to be in the band, you just want the girls that come with it.”

  “Fuck you!” he yells and moves forward. Shiloh puts a hand out like he’s afraid Jayden will actually hit me. He never would. Jayden just screams. “I made this band!”

  “But you don’t love it anymore!”

  “Hang on, guys,” Alex intervenes. “Let’s just cool off here.”

  “No, fuck you all. You think I’m bringing us down? Fine, find a better guitar player. I dare you.” He grabs his guitar and storms for the door.

  “Jayden, come on, man,” Shiloh yells, but Jayden won’t stop. We all just stand in the quiet for a second after the door slams. I can feel Alex’s and Shiloh’s anxiety. Me? Well, I’m somewhere in the middle. Jayden is the best guitarist I’ve ever met, and he has creativity bursting from every pore on his body, but he lacks the discipline to make use of it. Maybe we’re just wasting our time anyway. Watching him walk away hurts more as a friend than as a bandmate.

  I look at Benny. His mouth is crooked, exactly like one of those smiley faces you type in the computer with the colon and the slash. He sees me looking at him. “Hey, guys,” he says. “He’ll be back.”

  Shiloh and Alex grunt. “He left us here, huh?” Alex says.

  “Yeah.” Shiloh nods.

  “I guess we should start walking then.”

  They both give me a hug, but it feels strange. I might be imagining it, paranoid that they blame me, but they feel stiff. When they go, Benny and I just stare at each other for another minute before he waves me over. “What do you say I let José run the bar tonight, and you and I go upstairs and watch the game? We can order pizza, have a couple beers, just chill.” I nod.

  We flop down on his extremely worn couch. It’s perfect, beaten to hell but comfortable as can be. We’re in the third quarter and fourth beer apiece when he finally takes that deep sigh that means he’s about to get to the point.

  “He’s just jealous, Rainn.”

  “What are you talking about? What does he have to be jealous about?” Benny stares at me like I’m a moron, but I don’t bend. I just keep waiting for an answer.

  “He’s never seen you with anyone. You’ve
always been all about the band. They’ve always had all your attention. Now they have to share.”

  “So I’m not supposed to date anyone?”

  “Hey, you know I’m happy for you. I’m just telling you what his problem is, the real problem. He’ll be back.” He keeps looking at me like he’s waiting for some kind of emotional reaction.

  I just shrug. “I don’t even know if I want him back. He’s exhausting.”

  “Of course, you do. You guys are amazing, Rainn. It’s going to happen, but you have to do it together. He may be exhausting, but we both know he’s part of your sound.”

  “If he wants to be.”

  “Hey.” Benny pats my shoulder. “He does. He just needs a little love.”

  “Loving Jayden is dangerous.”

  Benny’s look changes. His eyebrows raise the smallest degree. I feel my cheeks get warm and wish I had phrased that differently.

  He stares at me until he can’t take it. “Have you…”

  “No,” I say sharply.

  He lets a second go by before he asks more. “Did you think about it?”

  “I’m gay, remember?”

  “That wasn’t the question.”

  “Wouldn’t it have to be for me to think about it?” I say.

  “Hell, I don’t pretend to know how that stuff works.”

  “Have you ever thought about screwing a guy?”

  “No,” he says with a big grin. “Never crossed my mind.”

  “Then you understand how that stuff works. I want to screw a guy exactly as much as you do.”

  “That’s not true though,” he says, and he gets up to get a couple more beers. He points his finger with enthusiasm, like this is the most interesting thing he’s ever talked about. “You’ve been with guys, right?”

  “That doesn’t mean I enjoyed it. You have to make room for some experimenting time.”

  “I never experimented with guys, though. So, we’re not the same.” He’s got a pretty cute smile when he thinks he’s won a debate.

  “But you weren’t supposed to like guys. I was. When you just flow with the current you don’t have to experiment. It’s when you have to figure out how to turn around and go against the grain.”