Shadows of a Dream

by Nicole Disney

  Jaselle’s keys are on the coffee table, thank God. I’ll need her car. It also means that wherever she went to buy, it was close enough to walk, which means it wasn’t Ice’s place. That’s something, I guess. I go into the hallway and run my hand over the paintings. I take them down one by one, stacking them by the door to take downtown. I’ll sell them on the corner. I’ll spend all night out there if I have to. With the walls empty and the piano room vacant, it’s like there’s nothing left of us. I’m a ghost coming back to visit home a century later, finding emptiness where all our character has been erased in favor of white plaster. The meth took it all. Everything we were. Every swipe of color. Every tone of heart. Drained.

  Chapter Thirty

  Selling Jaselle’s paintings on 16th Street Mall is a piece of cake. Sure, it takes a while, but I find I can get people to buy them for fifty a piece pretty easily, and two go for seventy-five. Combined with my tips from bartending, I have five hundred and fifty by the time Jaselle’s hearing is over. When I call to find out what bail landed at, I find out it’s enough. Her bail is five grand, which means I only need five hundred for bond.

  I meet the bondsman in the lobby of the jail and give him the money. Getting the paperwork in order that promises Jaselle’s car to him if she skips out takes some time, but she obviously agrees, because the bondsman disappears without me even noticing and the pissy woman behind the glass tells me Jaselle will be out in ten to fifteen minutes. Now that it’s all done, I’m nervous to see her. Anticipating everything I need to say, everything she’ll say back, is making my body run at full speed. I can’t believe what I’m about to do.

  A heavy door swings open, and she’s standing there. She’s washed out and looks confused, like she just woke up. She brightens a little when she sees me, but it’s not the joy I expected after how dire she claimed her situation was. I hand over her keys and lead her out to where the car is parked. I slide into the passenger seat. The silence is making me sick. It’s full of something so foreign. I don’t know her. I’ve never felt that, not even when we met.

  “Thank you,” she says.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “I can’t wait to just be at home in bed with you again.”

  “No.” Just that one word is enough to make my voice shake. “This ends here, Jaselle.”

  “Wha—” She stalls on the directness of it. “I know you’re mad. I know I need to explain. I told you as soon as I was out I could explain everything, and now I will.”

  “I thought I wanted that, but what could you possibly say? You lied to me. After everything that’s happened, the second you had a few hours alone you snuck out behind my back to buy meth.”

  “Look, that’s not how it happened.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “No, it’s not.” She spins in the seat to face me. The sun is starting to really beat through the windshield on the dark interior. Her face has a little color again. “An old friend called saying he was in trouble. I was feeling a little better, so I went to help him out.”

  “Just stop.”

  “He said someone was after him, and he just needed me to hold on to it for him for an hour until after the guy could try to shake him down. I was never going to use—”

  “Fucking stop. Just stop. What kind of idiot do you take me for?”

  “You’re really going to just look me in the eye and call me a liar?”

  “What choice are you giving me?”

  She locks on to my eyes. I can feel her digging through them trying to figure out just how sure I am, trying to figure out the right move. It makes me sick watching her try to manipulate me. Has it always been like this? Have I been this blind?

  “You don’t know how it feels,” she finally whispers.

  I nod. “You’re right. I don’t. But I know how this feels, and I can’t do it anymore.”

  “Oh, so you’re just going to punk out and walk away?” She pulls back, as if she needs to be farther away from me. “Don’t you think I wish I could just quit? Don’t you know I wish it was as easy for me as it is for you?”

  “You think this is fucking easy?”

  “You’re not addicted, Rainn. You don’t understand how bad it hurts. My head always hurts. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I am always scared, Rainn. Always. I can’t even fucking feel happy without it anymore. My brain won’t do it. I swear to God I want to die. It takes everything I have not to do that to you. And you want what from me?” She’s screaming by the end.

  She hits her mark with the mention of suicide. A jolt of adrenaline has me ready to back all the way down this trail I’ve started with my tail between my legs. I close my eyes and try to center myself. Remember. What happened is so much bigger than this moment right now. It’s not one mistake. It’s lies, sneaking around, not coming home at night, screaming, cheating, pushing. It’s lost dreams and desperation. It’s that I haven’t laughed in a month. It’s that in trying to save her, I’ve lost me.

  “I tried, Jaselle. I tried everything I knew to try, but I’m not helping you. It just…” I pause to try to keep myself from crying. “It just keeps getting worse.”

  “No, it’s not.” Jaselle leans forward and grabs my face. She peppers me with kisses. “It’s not getting worse. I’m going to quit, baby. I got closer this time. You just have to hold on with me.”

  I shake my head and pull out of her grip. “I can’t believe you anymore. You’ve broken too many promises.”

  “It will be different. I can’t do it alone. I need you, Rainn. I can do it this time.”

  I’m defeated by how meaningless her words are to me. I’d love to wrap myself in them and feel better, but they just don’t have that effect anymore. They’re hollow. We’re hollow.

  “I can’t do it again,” I say. “I told you last time that was it. I meant it.” Even I didn’t realize how much.

  “You’re going to leave me alone with it? You’re going to kill me?”

  It hits so hard, so deep. I can’t stop myself from falling apart. Everything in me is terrified that’s the truth. She’ll die without me. She’ll have no reason not to use, and she’ll barrel down that path until it’s over. I gave it everything I had, and I’m still going to lose her.

  “Fine, Rainn. Just go. If you’re that much of a pussy, do it. If it’s all just too hard for you, just go. Go to hell!” She clenches her hand into a fist and tightens her jaw. She looks at me with a fury I expect to burn out of her control, but she spins it on her car door and hits it as hard as she can. “You slept in a fucking alley when I met you. Where the hell do you get off forgetting everything I’ve done for you? Like you haven’t had a bed to sleep in because of me. Like you haven’t had a shower to use because of me. I guess you’re the only one allowed to have hard times. I guess when we said we’d be together forever I was the only one who meant it.”

  “You fucked my rapist!” I yell. “If our relationship meant anything to you at all that would have been enough to stop you! If you were ever going to stop for me, it would have been then. You do not need me. You do not give a flying fuck about me!”

  “It doesn’t work like that!”

  “Yes, it does!”

  “Fine, then just go. You’re right. I don’t need you. All you ever do is feel sorry for yourself and try to make me feel like shit. Probably do better without you anyway.”

  “I hope you do.” I say it sincerely. I mean it with all my heart, but it’s too big a gear shift too fast, and she just scoffs.

  “Get the fuck out of my sight, Rainn.”

  I look at her for an extra second after I open the door, not long enough to get her going again, just enough to try to memorize her. She’s looking back at me. I wonder if she’s doing the same thing, but I can’t tell. I get out and close the door. I expect her to screech off, but she pulls away normally. I watch her car merge into traffic, blending with all the rest. Seeing her become part of the masses, a member of the billions of people who aren’t part of my life p
uts a toxic blend of panic, longing, and horror in me. I sit down in the parking space and fall apart. I don’t know what to do with this kind of pain. I can’t go back. I know what I did was right, but that means I have to feel this.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  It’s the four-year anniversary of Michael’s death. Combined with it being just my second week without Jaselle, I figure it might kill me. I cry over her like a death. As bad as I knew it would be, somehow it still surprises me just how much this can hurt. But it’s Wednesday, one of the nights I’ve told Benny I’ll bartend, and I have to move. I have to get up off this cold concrete. I have to pull myself together.

  “Hey,” he says when I walk in the back door. He says it carefully, like I’ll break.

  “Hey.”

  “You up for this?” he asks. I nod. I know my eyes are probably still red and swollen, but that’s just my existence right now. I actually enjoy working with Benny.

  “Anything I can do?”

  “Pass me a rag?” He does, and I start wiping down the bar. Light is coming in from the windows, the kind of light that eventually feels warm if you stand under it long enough. Sun. Warmth. It brings me back to life a little.

  “I’m recording the game if you want to watch after work,” Benny says. I smile. After work. It’s a new phrase in my life. Watching the game with Benny is an old one, though. The invitation sends me grasping for an excuse out, but then I remember I don’t need one. I don’t need to go back to Jaselle. There’s no crisis I have to handle. I can watch the game with Benny. To my surprise, I actually want to. I don’t want to go back to the alley. I don’t want to wallow.

  Band practice is tomorrow. Our first show at Brad’s place is the next day. When I used to picture life without Jaselle, all I could see was emptiness. Loneliness. Sadness. It’s not like that. I’m not alone. It’s not a substitute. The hole is there, but for the first time, I feel like I’ll survive. I feel lighter. I feel free.

  I still go through attacks of insane urges to run back, to call. I tell myself I’ll just be making sure she’s okay, and that’s not the same as getting back together, but I know that will hurt us both more than it helps. I can’t stop her from doing what she’s going to do. I can’t love her out of this. I can’t fix it no matter how much I yell or beg or spy or cry. I’ve set down that burden, and I’m not picking it back up. The shadows look so much darker now that I’m out of them. My eyes adjusted to such pain. It’s a dangerous thing I don’t want to get too close to in case it tries to swallow me again. A tingle of something creeps up my spine as I look at Benny. What is it?

  “I’d love to watch the game.” Happiness. I’m happy. Jesus, why does it feel foreign if I was so happy with Jaselle all this time? I hold on too tight. All this time I’ve been holding on with everything in me. Holding on to things that aren’t mine to control. I have to let go.

  “Hey, Ben, do you mind if I use the phone real quick?”

  “Of course not.”

  I pick it up and punch in a collection of numbers I can hardly believe I remember. It rings twice, then picks up. There’s a pause before she speaks. “Hello?”

  It’s jarring to hear my mother’s voice after so long. I recognize it, but it’s not the same as I remember. I can’t seem to get any words out. I should have made more of a plan. What if she doesn’t realize what day this is? It wouldn’t be good to remind her if she doesn’t. But of course she knows. “It wasn’t your fault,” I say.

  Silence stretches for a year. Just when I think she’ll probably hang up, she speaks.

  “Rainey.”

  It seems like that’s all there will be, but with some sixth sense, I know more is coming. I know she’s crying.

  “It wasn’t yours either, Rainey. I’m so sorry. There’s so much I wish I could take back. I just couldn’t handle it.”

  “It’s okay. Me either.”

  I hear music in the background. Rock music. It almost makes me laugh at first it’s so out of character, but when it sinks in a lump forms in my throat.

  “The Doors,” I say.

  “What?”

  “If you want to listen to something, he loved the Doors.”

  “Thank you.” It barely comes out. She hates crying. “I love you, Rainey.”

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  Chapter Thirty-two

  It takes me about four paychecks from Brad and Benny to be able to afford a studio apartment. It’s small. It’s basement level with brick walls and no windows whatsoever, and the front door doesn’t stay closed. The latch doesn’t quite latch. If I had anything of value, that would bother me a lot more, but since the only thing in here so far is some ramen noodles, a plastic bowl and spoon, my electric keyboard that’s still missing the middle A key, and a couple blankets, I’m not too worried. Jayden gave me one of his old heavy amps to use to block the door when I’m home at night. It’s not like someone can’t get past it if they try, but the idea is that no one will think to try because the door will appear to be closed and locked like a normal place.

  Even though I’m not thrilled about the lock, mostly I’m just happy I have a door. To tell you the truth, it bothers everyone else a lot more than it bothers me. Noah keeps going on about how it isn’t safe. It sort of cracks me up since I used to sleep outside. No deadbolts there, but I guess the concern is sweet.

  “Hello?” Noah waits by the door like a gentleman instead of just walking in.

  “Hey.”

  “I called a locksmith,” he says. “They’re coming to fix your shit.”

  “Tonight?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I told you I don’t have money for that yet,” I say.

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m paying for it, calm down. You can pay me back when you have it if you want to be stubborn, but I’m more than happy to take care of it for you. It’s not that much anyway.”

  “You still should have asked me. I play at the Cuff Link tonight. I’m not going to be here.”

  Noah holds out his arms. “Ta-da! That’s why I’m here. You go do your show. I’ll stay here and babysit, and when you get home I’ll give you the keys, and no one will be able to randomly walk into your place anymore.”

  “Apparently, I don’t have a choice. You’re here and I have to go.”

  “Yeah, that was the idea. Have fun! See you tonight.”

  I try to drown myself in music. Brad not only lets us play the Cuff Link, he connects us with tons of people in the game, boosting us to an average of three gigs a week with a wave of his hand, and we still make time to go play the Chapel too. It’s just fun for us since that’s where we came from, and believe it or not, we actually bring Benny business. It’s the least we could do for him. We practice almost every single day, and when the guys are tired of me, I go home and practice by myself. I think they know I’m using this as a distraction. There are worse ways I could try to cope with missing and worrying about Jaselle.

  We finish up our show around eleven. Usually, I’d stay and hang out with them a little longer, but I know Noah is still sitting around my apartment just waiting for me to get home so he can leave. I wonder how painful it is for him trying to kill five hours in an apartment with no weed, alcohol, or TV.

  It takes me about half an hour to walk from the Cuff Link to the apartment, to my apartment. I’m still getting used to that. I picked a place close by on purpose. I still don’t see a car coming into my life any time soon. I get to the door, and there’s a brand-new lock on it, as promised. I knock and wait for Noah to answer. It takes him a while. I wonder if he fell asleep. I knock again.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming. Calm down,” he says. I hear the new deadbolt slide back and he opens the door. “You like?”

  “Very nice,” I say. He holds up two keys. One is a spare, I guess. My throat tightens as I immediately wish I could give it to Jaselle. I wonder if moments like this will ever stop happening. I shake it off before he can see. I don’t want him to see me being sad while he’s being so dam
n happy.

  I close the door and lock it behind me. Noah beams like a little kid when I do that. He turns around and walks the short entryway back toward my one and only room. I guess he’s planning to hang out a while. I just want to go to bed. I roll my eyes a little but try to keep the smile face ready to go.

  I turn the corner and freeze. My muscles stop moving like I’ve been sprayed with that liquid nitrogen that makes everything shatter. Taking up basically the entire room is Jaselle’s piano. My piano. It looks just the same as the day I had to sell it. The finish is still faded from the years, the strings are still dusty, the ivory keys still have their little chips.

  “Oh my God, Noah. What did you do?” I fight the mist forming over my eyes.

  “Don’t worry, I got it back before he did anything to it.”

  “How did you…” I can’t form a full sentence.

  “Don’t worry, I didn’t steal it or anything. I bought it back from him.”

  “How?”

  “Don’t worry about it, Rainn. It’s a gift. You’re not supposed to ask me how much it was or where I got the money. I promise you it’s all legit.”

  “But shouldn’t you give this back to Jaselle?”

  “Why? So she can sell it for crank? She gave it to you, Rainn, and that was a good call. You’ll take care of it.”

  That’s a twist of the knife. “She isn’t any better, then?”

  He tilts his head and looks at me with soft, watery eyes. “She’s not any worse, either, if it helps. She’s doing what she does.”

  Every time I think the vise grip on my chest is as tight as it can possibly go, something else happens to make it squeeze another notch.

  “Hey,” Noah says. “Let’s not get all sad, okay? That’s not why I brought it. If it’s too much having it here, I can take it away. I just thought it was the right thing for you to have it.”