by Levia Ortega
Later that evening I met Daniela. Nice woman, she was a bit younger than me. I of course did not know exactly. I couldn't really ask her how old she was. I would find that out later.
Although that desired spark that I always dreamed of wasn't there, but what Miri had told me two days ago still spooked in the back of my head: "Love at first glance does not exist." That is why I decided, to take it slow this time and get to know her first. If nothing came out of it, a nice friendship could arise.
Inside of me I rolled my eyes, from meeting to friendship. I had enough of that, and I also did not want any more friendships. Nevertheless, I wanted to get closer to Dani. I looked around and saw that Chris and Em were at the bar. Peg had taken away Sabine and was telling her something. Sabine looked at me angrily as I looked to the table, and I could not resist but to smile as I saw Peg's lips move, move very fast. I smiled at Sabine and she knew I was happy that Peg was holding her prisoner.
I saw Miri with a brunette on the dance floor. It was easy for me to decide what I would do next. I asked Dani if she wanted to dance and we went over to Miri and her dance partner on the dance floor. Never in my life would I have joined Peg. I would then not have had a chance to talk to Dani. Peg would have attracted all the attention and, besides Sabine, also taken Dani over.
Three songs later we went to the bar and I got both of us a drink. We decided to stay a bit out of the way, not too close to the boxes, so we were able to talk better.
Dani was nice, but with time we both felt that it would not go beyond friendship. Nevertheless, we spent a pleasant evening together. She could tell pretty good stories, so I almost did not get out of laughing. I decided to enjoy this lightheartedness, it could stay this way the whole evening.
Dani told me amusing anecdotes about her past dates, and when she told me about her worst dating experience, I could not take it anymore and wiped the tears from my face. The evening was relaxed and carefree. Until I felt someone pulling on my shirt. I turned my head aside, and there she stood: Sabine „Yes?"
"I want to leave now!"
What do I have to do with that? I wanted to say, but instead I said, "And?"
"You can't really be serious now." Sabine crossed her arms.
But I remained true to my monosyllable answers. "Yes, it is."
"Miri has left with her company and you guys promised me that I will not be left alone and that I do not have to go to your apartment alone." With a hand movement she showed through the room. "But Miri is gone now, as you can see." She took a deep breath and looked me up and down. "Now YOU are the only one left here, and I want to leave now!" I want to! Typical for Sabine! The emphasis on the last part of the sentence again aroused in me the desire to roll my eyes, and I had to contain myself.
I looked over at Dani, who gave me a questioning what-is-going-on-here-look. I just shook my head. Dani gave me a goodbye kiss on the cheek and said goodbye to Sabine politely.
She turned back to me quickly. "I'll be back here next Saturday." Then she disappeared in the crowd.
I gave Sabine an angry look and without taking any further notice of her, I walked off. Either she would follow me or she would stay here.
* * *
Sabine and I were not talking to each other on the way to my apartment. Chris looked at me questioningly as we said goodbye to her and Em, but by her head movement towards Sabine she knew and gave me a compassionate look. As mad as I was, for spoiling the rest of my evening, I opened the door and walked in the apartment first. As before, I took no consideration for courtesies. Should she just jump in the lake?
Only one more day, then they would be gone. Just one more day!
Whenever Miri came through the door, she would get to hear something from me. Just walk off and leave me alone with Sabine! She knew our relationship and had still left me alone with her. How inconsiderate could she be!
When Sabine came through the door, she aped Dani: "I'll be back here next Saturday."
I turned around and stopped short before her, I finally had enough. "What is your problem?"
"I do not have any problem."
"Oh no? Since you first saw me, you are on to me!"
"Not true at all."
Now I took another step towards her and my eyes pierced her. I would not retreat. "Here is a comment, here a saying, I can handle this." I put my head slightly obliquely and my eyes darkened. "But if you now begin to do the same with others who are not there and cannot defend themselves, and the whole thing in my presence, then you are going too far!" With my face I was now close to her, so our nasal tips almost touched.
"Why did you not insist on going to the hotel if you hate me so much?"
Sabine's eyes widened in shock. "I do not hate you."
I waited for her to add something. But nothing came. "What is it then?"
She looked at me furiously. "Nothing!"
"What is it?" My voice got angrier and I did not allow her to avoid me. I wanted answers, and I wanted them now.
"Do you think ... do you think it was nice to watch this tonight?"
I took a step back. Inquiring, I looked at her, I did not know what she meant. I remembered my mother's conversation with Sabine. Was she homophobic? As fast as the question was there, as fast I was getting angrier. I had let her stay at my apartment, she had been sitting at a table with my family, talking about me to my mother.
What was she doing here at all when she hated the whole thing so much?
"What do you even want here?"
I went back a step towards her, I finally wanted to hear the answer, now! And if it was the answer I suspected she would be sitting on the street in the next ten minutes.
"Either you give me an answer now or I will kick you out immediately. Without a suitcase. What do you want here?"
Sabine remained silent. I shook my head with disappointment, that she did not even have the courage to answer. "You have ten minutes to pack your suitcase, and then I never want to see you again." I turned around and was about to leave, then I felt Sabine's hand on my forearm. "Wait!"
I turned around. "What?"
"I ..."
My nerves were bare, I couldn't and didn't want to play any games anymore. I just wanted to open my mouth to say something as Sabine took a step towards me and her lips met mine.
I felt as if an electric shock would rush through my body, from the hair tips to the toes. Sabine's kiss was hard and demanding, and I had no time to deal with the feeling I had just experienced. I would have enough time for that later.
Sabine separated from my mouth and took a step back. In her eyes I could see the uncertainty. Fear, and what took my breath away, a kind of vulnerability and openness I had never seen in a woman before.
I could not help it, I had to taste these lips again. I needed it in this moment like the air to breathe. I could not resist it, and I did not want it either. My body no longer obeyed me and developed its own mind. With both hands, I cautiously embraced Sabine's face, looking deep into her eyes, waiting for a reaction. But she did not move back. I kissed her softly on her lips, I did not want to destroy the moment with the passion that suddenly burned inside me. Sabine took a step towards me. Was I wrong, or did she really open her lips easily? I had no time to pay attention to this question, because at that moment her lips were on mine. When her tongue met mine, I knew it was no illusion, and again this lightning struck. It felt like seconds and at the same time like an eternity. I wanted for this moment to never end. But the lust and the desire, which I could successfully suppress so far, now broke through. With my body, I pressed more strongly against her, pushing Sabine forcefully backwards until she bumped hard against the door. Sabine moaned when she hit the door, and that made all of me scream, it was the inner scream for more. I could not help it. As my hands wandered under her T-shirt and another moan came over her lips, my fingers slid to her hips and I pulled her with me as I took a step back.
Sabine's hands wandered ov
er my body like mine over hers. Without releasing each other from the kiss, we managed to make it into the bedroom.
I knew it was a mistake for which I would have to pay later. But nothing and no one in the world could have stopped me now. I needed it, I could not help myself, I did not know why, but I did not care and I felt that Sabine was feeling the same.
Sunday
It was nothing special to wake up slightly disorientated in the morning in your own bed when you were still half asleep. After a party night it was normal, I would say. Normal, until the memories came back slowly and creeping and hit me with full impact. I flinched and did not move a bit. As in a movie, yesterday evening was showing before my inner eye, piece by piece, sensual pictures appeared. Not only adrenaline shot through my body, but also the desire to repeat what had happened yesterday. My body deceived me again and I was wide awake from one second to the next. I remained motionless and tried to process everything quickly, and then to think about what I should do.
Even if I were to play dead, that would not be a solution. Somehow I had to get up and face the inevitable. Yet already, when the human's body nature was asking for me to use the bathroom. Miri! was my next thought. Was she already here, had she seen us in the bedroom? Of course she had seen us, that was her sleeping place! Now it was finally over with my countenance. The thoughts were almost too fast. Miri! What had she noticed? Had she witnessed it? Or had she not? If she did, had she gone to the living room and slept on the sofa, or would she only come home later? Somehow I became slightly panicky in my thinking. Were the two already having breakfast in the kitchen and talking about what had happened? How should I react, how behave myself? As if nothing had happened and as if yesterday night had not existed?
Anyways! Breathe!
Much more important was the question how Bine would react. There was only one way to get answers to my questions. The whole thing was inevitable anyway! No matter how much I wanted to creep away, hoping everything was going to solve on its own, I had no chance.
Slowly I turned around and noticed that the spot next to me was empty. With my hand, I stroked the spot where I could still see Biene's body contours and felt the coldness of the sheet. So she had gotten up a while ago. On the one hand I felt relieved; on the other hand, there was this strange pulling in the stomach, which made me sad easily. Did I want her to still be lying there and sleep?
What then, Val? Would you have cuddled up with her, or would you have gotten up and ran away? Completely out of the apartment? More than likely the second! ¡Cobarde!
There were too many questions to which I had no answer. Besides, I really had to go to the bathroom now, no chance to drag out meeting up with Bine. My heart pounded hard. I took some clothes out of the closet and my hand trembled as I pushed the door handle down and went out. I stopped briefly and listened; there was nothing to be heard. As I passed the living room, I carefully stretched my head through the door and saw that the sofa was unused.
At least one ray of hope, Miri was not here yet. I listened again and still heard no noise from the kitchen. I went quickly and quietly into the bathroom, trying to close the door as silently as I could. Perhaps Bine was in the kitchen, not making a single sound.
But when I arrived in the kitchen after the shower, it was empty. I realized I was alone in the apartment. With my coffee cup and a piece of toast in my hand, which I slowly ate, I sat in the kitchen lost in my thoughts. Over and over I went thought the evening through. In addition, our very first encounter came to me and her behavior towards me. What was the situation now? Did she want more or did I want more? How could all this happen? I shook my head in despair.
What did I want at all? And then that feeling when she kissed me! My stomach turned and I got quite warm. I had never experienced anything like this before, and I wanted more. It was like an addiction.
When the apartment door was opened, I heard Miri's voice calling into the apartment. And she was alone! Where was Bine?
In the kitchen, she fell into the chair with a smile on her face. "Sorry I left you alone with Bine yesterday."
Redness and heat burned from my neck up to my face. I quickly got up and went to the sink with my coffee mug. "No problem! We had promised it to her."
I rinsed my coffee cup and while I put two cups under the coffee machine, asked her, quite easily, "Where is she anyways?"
I turned and leaned against the work surface. Miri just shrugged her shoulders. "She sent me a message this morning that she urgently would have to go back to Frankfurt, so she took the first train this morning."
"Oh! Okay." The coffee was done and I handed her a cup.
Without thinking about it, I took a note from the drawer and a pen, and wrote. I handed the note to Miri. "Here, can you give this to Bine? If she doesn't find an apartment here quickly, she can live with me the first days if she wants to. Or even if she needs help, she can call me."
Miri scrunched her eyebrows. "I thought you did not like her."
"We had a clarifying conversation last night. Besides, she would be all alone here. So why not? It can't hurt."
Miri folded the note and slid it into her pocket. "Ok. I will get ready quickly and then I also have to go."
Miri hugged me at the door and I had to promise her to visit her soon. After I had closed the door, I leaned my back against it and took a deep breath. Why had Bine left so fast? Anger burned inside me when I asked myself if I was just an experiment for her and whether she just wanted to know what it was like - with a woman.
When I had seen Bine for the first time, her boyfriend had laid his arm demonstratively around her. I felt sick when I noticed that. It was as if he was expressing with this gesture that she was his personal property that I should not get too close to.
Come on, Val. You're just mad, because she had beat you to it out and left. You would have done the same thing, not to be alone with her. You don't even know yourself what you want! Be clear about this before you get mad at her.
All of this would not bring any results and I had to distract myself.
Bea! it shot through my head. I had to find out what was going on with Bea. Quickly I took my phone and wrote a message to Chris that I was on the way to Bea and that I would call her later as soon as I knew more.
* * *
When Bea opened the door, I was flabbergasted. Her eyes were sad and she had deep, dark rings under her eyes and a pale complexion.
"Hey! I brought bread rolls with me." I held up the bag. Bea looked at me and almost pierced me with her gaze. She knew it was just an excuse. I smiled at her apologetically.
"Come on, I will already make us a cup of coffee." So she disappeared. Silence is pleasant in some situations, but this silence here at the kitchen table was overwhelming. Bea did not talk much at all in general, but this time she did not say a single word. How should I find out of what was wrong with her?
Even the bite of the bread rolls sounded like a volcanic eruption in my ears. We sat there chewing and remaining silent. Just as I was about to take another bite again from the roll, Bea said, "I am in love!"
I stopped in the middle of the movement. "That's great!"
She just shook her head. "She does not know it!"
"Oh. Then tell her."
"No, she doesn't feel like I do. I believe at least. No, I'm actually pretty sure."
"May I ask who she is?"
"No," she said quickly and loudly.
I got up and put my arm around her shoulder. "Oh Bea. If you do not tell her, you will never know what you are up to. How long have you been knowing it?"
She looked into my eyes and I felt her sadness as if it was mine. My heart contracted painfully, as if a hand was slowly squeezing it. How long had she been running around with this pain without any of us noticing? My bad conscience made me tear up.
I should have paid her more attention.
"Since I saw her for the first time." Now she sniffed and so did I as well. "Wi
ll you tell her? If not for her, then do it for you."
"I don’t know."
I took her in my arms and hugged her tight. "I'll be there if you need me. You know that, don't you?" I felt her nod on my shoulder.
"We kissed!"
"Wow, that already means something."
"No, it was more of an accident."
"Accident? Like, 'terrible, but I could not look away', or what do you mean?"
"Val!" Her voice sounded painfully, "I don't want to talk about it now. I have to get ready. I promised Carmen to help with the renovation of the new club."
I jumped up. "Is it Carmen? You old lynx, you", and lightly hit her shoulder with my fist.
With that I made Bea laugh. Carmen had become a surrogate mom for Bea. And Carmen liked to play this role. Not only in the protective sense, Bea also helped out at the club from time to time. Now that Carmen was about to open a second one, she needed more support. Bea helped with the renovations as often as possible and it was fun. I did not really understand what was Carmen's intention involving Bea more and more, but I had the guess that Bea was getting more and more responsibility to become the leader in the new club. Our crew would then receive a special treatment. And if 'whoever' did not want her, Bea would have enough distraction and struggles at the bar to keep all the women off her back. I hoped it would help her before she slipped into a brooding hole. Bea did not want to talk about it at the moment and I respected that.
I took off to go home and wrote Chris that I had been with her but did not get anything out of her. Within a few seconds came the answer from Chris: "Call you at home in a few."
I imagined Chris sitting on the sofa, holding the cell phone, staring at the display and waiting for a message from me. I started my way home, shaking my head and laughing.
