My eyes locked onto hers again.
No. I couldn’t do it!
I didn’t even wait for the announcement of my win. I left the mats and went straight for the door. I needed to get out of the large building. With Aubry in there too, it made the walls feel like they were closing in.
Right before I got out the door, Trey called out to me, making me stop in my tracks. Luckily, B caught up to me and held me back from him before I could pounce on him. If he hadn’t been there . . . I certainly would have snapped.
“Good job,” he said quickly.
“I don’t have time for games, Trey. What do you want?”
“Nothing, I was just congratulating you. I can’t wait for the finals. I sure do hope that Aubry makes it there too.”
I growled out loud then stormed away. I hadn’t even thought of the endgame. I still didn’t want to fight her.
Dammit.
As soon as I got into my truck alone, my phone dinged, signaling that I got a text.
Mom: “Call me ASAP. He took a turn for the worst.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Dead
Aubry
I walked into the cafeteria slowly and sat down at a snail’s pace. My ribs were screwed. There were deep purple and black bruises all over the left side of my body. They started at my calf and went all the way up. The worst ones, of course, were at my ribs. They were broken in several spots, no doubt about it. I also had a busted lip and a bruise on my cheek under my eye, along with various small cuts and scratches littering my pale skin. I was messed-up from my fight on Saturday, there was no denying it.
It was hard to move, sit, sleep, breathe. Everything hurt. I had even stayed on the grass of some elementary school instead of trying to find a better place to stay. I had a hard time laying down on anything hard.
Before I laid my head down to try to get a little sleep, I glanced over at the popular table for a second. However, the people that I was looking for were all not there once again. None of them had shown up at all that week.
It was Wednesday, and it had been four days since I had seen any of them. I hoped that they were all okay.
Despite them all not being at school, I still had three sandwiches in my locker every morning. That just made me confused. Who, if not any of them, was putting sandwiches in my locker?
I bit into my sandwich as I thought about Aiden and his family. I missed having a family. I missed Aiden. I tried to quit thinking about them because it always made me incredibly depressed, but damn, I really missed them all.
I finished the sandwich and painfully laid my head down on the table. I was going to sleep the rest of lunch. Partially, so I didn’t have to think about them anymore, but also because I was incredibly tired from the lack of sleep.
***
I walked outside through the parking lot doors, thinking of where to go. I had been trying to get a “regular person” job somewhere in town, so I could have a bit of money for food. I had absolutely no leads, though. Turns out, no one wanted an eighteen-year-old female with no high school diploma, who also had cuts and bruises all of her face to work for them, which was shocking.
As I walked through the lot, I heard my name being called loudly. I jerked my head around and looked for who it was on high alert. It could have been Daniel, and I sure as hell didn’t want a run-in with him again. I relaxed when I saw a familiar blond-headed guy, leaning up against his car.
I cautiously made my way to him.
“B . . . What’s up? Is it okay for you to be talking to me?” I asked timidly when I got closer to him.
I eyed his car behind him, but no one else was in it. Then I noticed his puffy eyes and how he wasn’t smiling.
Oh no, something happened. My heart automatically began racing. Was everyone okay?
“What’s wrong?” I whispered to him softly.
He looked up at me and met my eyes for a split-second, but then looked back down. He didn’t say anything for a moment and then he sighed. His eyes watered when he finally met my eyes again.
“Pawpaw . . . he, he’s gone. He died Sunday night, well actually early Monday morning,” he finally answered my question.
My lungs felt like all the air had been knocked out of them, and I immediately felt sick. My heart clenched as I felt the loss wash through me.
Pawpaw was dead.
I closed my eyes tightly as tears immediately filled my eyes. I had been crying so much that I was surprised I even had enough tears left. At least that time was an actual worthy cause, and not because I was a screw-up.
I looked up at Brandon, I could feel the tears flowing down my face and I let them do so freely.
“Are you okay?” I asked, slowly as my voice cracked because of my emotion.
He nodded, but I saw a tear escape his eye. “Aiden though . . . He’s all messed up over it. Bri isn’t quite as bad, but she’s not doing too good either. Tom was doing okay until today. He . . . He just lost it today. A-And Dana. Oh God, Dana is so messed up. The only one that seems to be doing alright is Cece.”
He sobbed. “Aubry, whatever you said to her, I need you to say it to me. I mean, damn! This hurt. I never had a dad. My mom’s parents disowned her when she got pregnant with me, so I never had grandparents. He filled those spots in my life. I never wanted to lose him. He took care of us all in after Jeremy and Jonny died. He was the glue that held us all together.”
“B . . . listen to me, he loved. No, loves you—present tense. Look, Pawpaw was old. His body was beginning to decay. He was no longer here having fun, he was hurting.
“He was sick. That night that he went to the hospital. I think he knew he that he wasn’t going to come back out. B, he was okay with that. He lived a life long enough to fulfill all the stuff he wanted to do. He loves all of you! He didn’t want to leave y’all, but he couldn’t stay here either. He waited ‘til the timing was right and left.
“Now . . . Now he’s back in his love’s arms. Now, he’s free of pain. Now, he can watch over everyone. He’ll see everything you do, including the stupid shit.” That drew a chuckle from Brandon’s lips.
“Brandon, you have to realize that death isn’t the end to a story. It’s just the start of a different chapter that we’re not privy to. Now he’s back with Cecelia, and they’re probably fighting over how long he took to get there.
“Just know that he is so incredibly happy. Y’all are going to be just fine. He wouldn’t have left if you weren’t ready. All of you are ready!
“Just know, that he is with you wherever you go. He isn’t in pain anymore. Now you can talk to him whenever you want,” I said, kind of echoing the talk I had with Cece.
“Cece is an incredible little girl. She grasped death better than me, and I was the one who talked to her about it. So, I honestly don’t know if anyone can handle it better than her. However, just know. He’s good. You’re good. It’s okay. Death doesn’t mean the end.”
He let out a pent-up breath, finally slipping a small smile on his lips.
“Thank you, Aubry. I really appreciate you helping me, especially after the way we all have treated you.”
He took a long pause, and it was like something in his head clicked together when he looked at me. “You really are one of the least selfish people that I have ever met.” He shook his head for a second and then looked up at me.
“I have a couple of things to talk to you about. The first, the reason I actually came here today, the funeral for Pawpaw is tomorrow at 10 AM. It’s going to be a church service and then after the church, we’ll go to Green Forest Cemetery to lay him to rest. Look, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go to the funeral tomorrow. It would be too much for Aiden to bear. However, I know that Robert would like you to say goodbye. I think that anytime after lunch would be a decent time to go.”
“Did he know? About what I did?” I asked slowly.
“Yes, Dana told him. But Aubry, he still asked about you everyday, even after he found out. He loved you like a g
randdaughter and no matter what, he supported you,” he answered me calmly. “As do I, I wasn’t coming here to tell you anything other than what I just told you. I was going to tell you not to come to the service, when a good time to go would be, and then I’d leave.
“But Aubry . . . I meant what I said before. You really are the most selfless person that I have ever met.” He paused for a moment and looked at me carefully. “You told Aiden that you wanted to explain.”
I opened my mouth to tell him that it didn’t matter.
“Aub, I want to know. Explain it to me!” he said with conviction.
“No, Aiden was right. There is absolutely no adequate explanation or my drug dealing. I screwed up, and there’s no telling who else’s lives were lost because of me. There’s probably way more than just Jeremy.”
“Aubry, I know you. I know you wouldn’t make such a rash and horrible decision without being pushed into it, so tell me, what the hell happened!” he said in a stronger voice.
I shook my head wordlessly.
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I know that something happened to you for you to do that.”
I said nothing as he studied me.
“So, I’m going to support you. From now on I’m treating you how a friend should trea—”
I cut him off in the middle of what he was saying. “No, you’re not. Look, I appreciate this Brandon, but I’m not accepting this. Bri and Aiden are in bad places right now. They need your full support. They can’t feel like you’ve betrayed them over me while trying to recover from their loss. So, if you want to be nice to me and do something for me, then just leave this all alone. Leave it the way it is. I deserve this,” I said with a sad smile.
“No, you don’t, Aub. You deserve the whole world. You are the most precious, loving, forgiving, and unselfish human being that I’ve ever met. However, for now, I’ll keep this up for you. But you can’t protect them forever. They are in the wrong, and we all know it,” Brandon said as he wrapped me in a hug.
“Thank you Aubry, your words really did help me.” He kissed the top of my head gently. “I believe in you, Aub.”
I had to bite my tongue in order to not scream out in pain from the hug, but it felt so nice to be hugged again.
“Bye B,” I whispered in his ear and hobbled away slowly.
***
After the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch, I slowly walked to the cemetery. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say to Robert. I mean, obviously I knew that he wasn’t there, and he was dead, but I still felt like I had to say something profound. I still had to tell him how much he meant to me, and how sorry I was for everything that I had done to his family. My sorry really didn’t mean much, but I still felt like I had to say it.
By the time I got to the cemetery, I still hadn’t thought of anything to say. It took quite a long time to get there because the school was on the opposite side of town. I walked around the cemetery, carefully avoiding stepping on graves.
Soon, I quickly came across his freshly-covered site. I came to a stop as I just stared at the headstone.
Robert “Pawpaw” Lerch
“Loving father, grandpa and husband. Always knowing the right thing to say at the right time.’
I laughed slightly at the rest of the words that marked the grave. That was the most brilliant way to describe Robert.
“That is so true, Robert. You always knew exactly what to say in any situation,” I said as I stared at the ground, feeling slightly out of place.
“I actually brought you something!” I said, quickly trying to find my words. I quickly pulled out the object. “You gave me this shirt for Christmas. Thank you so much for that, by the way. I never had a Christmas when I was growing up, and all of you made it the best one ever.” I smiled at the memory through my tears.
“Anyways, I think you should end up with it. After all, you did beat me last.”
I laughed softly and draped the shirt at the bottom of the head stone. I laid it out so that anyone who walked by could see the lettering that read, “Chess champion (for now)” I smiled fondly at the sight.
“Robert,” I whispered softly. “I messed up. I screwed everything up, and I can’t fix it. I am so sorry for what I’ve done to your family. Everything fell apart because of me. I take full responsibility for my actions.” I paused and wiped some tears away as they just continued to fall from my eyes.
“I love you. I know you looked at me differently after you found out, but I still love you. I’m so happy you can be back with Cecelia. I wish I could be half the woman you said she was, like how you believed I was, but I’m not, and I never will be.”
I paused again as a sob racked through my body.
“Robert, Pawpaw, I’m so selfish. I wish that you were here. I wish that you were here despite knowing that you’re better off. I wish that you could tell me what to do and what to say. I have this giant hole in my chest, it’s so big, and I hurt so bad. I just—”
I was cut off by the sound of several people walking up the row that I was on.
“Aubry!” I heard an excitable little girl’s voice yell as I wiped the blinding tears away from my eyes. I saw the little blonde-headed girl, barreling towards me. When she reached me, she hugged me around my hips tightly.
Cece . . . my beautiful little ball of sunshine. God, I missed her so much. I could have stayed right there hugging her all day long. However, as soon as I realized what was going on and that she was real, my eyes widened.
I looked up at the family that was standing in front of me with barely any air left in my lungs. Cece let her hold of me go as I stepped back further away from everyone. My throat went dry as I stood there under everyone’s watchful gaze.
They were all there: Dana, Cece, Bri, Brandon, Tommy, and Aiden. Everyone that I hurt so badly.
I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? Sorry for your loss? It didn’t seem like the correct thing to say. It didn’t seem good enough, nothing that I would have ever said could have been enough.
Before any words could leave my mouth, I was embraced again. However, that time, the embrace felt like the only place I’d ever want to be in. The only place that I could only hope to be ever again.
Aiden had his arms desperately wrapped around me. I could feel the sting of pain in my ribs due to him pressing on them, but I couldn’t actually process the fact that it was pain because my heart was so happy.
In spite of my shock, I slowly wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me. I didn’t think that was ever going to get to hug him ever again. It felt so right to be with him in his arms. It reminded me of how terribly I truly missed him. I could feel how much he was hurting through this hug. His heart was so heavy with grief.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered in his ear.
Those words must have brought him back to reality because I could feel his whole body stiffen as he jerked away a second later. From the sudden movements, I stumbled back and fell to the ground. I yelled out when I felt the pain resonate in my ribs. The whole time we separated and as I fell, I kept my eyes on his face. The expression on it felt like a sharp knife to my heart.
As soon as he let go, I could see the disgust on his face, his disgust with me. That expression honestly hurt way more than the fall could ever hurt my ribs. He muttered a few curse words as he still had that look on his face.
I put that look there. I hurt him beyond repair.
I had to get up. I had to leave! I couldn’t see that look on his face. I couldn’t stand being the source of it.
I hated myself. I was nothing. That was all I ever had been, nothing. I was nothing. I was worthless. I was nothing except a pretty face and good body.
I had been told those things throughout my whole life. I tried to never believe it, but in that moment, I knew it was true.Right then, I finally believed them because I could feel it in my soul. I was nothing. After being a part of something with Aiden and his family. I didn’t know if I could handle being no
thing once again.
I was in so much pain—mentally, physically, and emotionally. Every single thing hurt. From my ribs, to my feet, to my head. I collapsed as soon as I made it to an alley far enough away that I could hide in.
Far away from the family I personally tore apart.
I leaned my back against the brick behind me and tried to block out all of the pain.
I couldn’t . . . It was too much. Everything was too much!
My breathing was ragged, and my vision was becoming black. I was on the verge of a powerful panic attack.
Fuck me! Fuck my life! Fuck everything! I felt the darkness closing in on my mind.
Suddenly, there was a pain in my left bicep. Everything ceased for a second as I focused on nothing else, but that sharp pain in my arm. My breathing slowed, my tears stopped, and my vision came back to me.
What I saw when I looked down shocked me.
On the lower part of my upper arm, right above the crease of my elbow, there were three perfectly straight lines with blood dripping from each cut. My fingernails were still dug in at the end of the cuts, gathering blood under the nail. I consciously dragged my nails another few inches further before I retracted them from my cut, causing more stinging pain.
For a second, I couldn’t think of anything except my three cuts. For a moment, nothing else mattered. It felt so good to not think about all the other mess in my life.
It felt good to be able to simply focus something else for a second.
***
Aiden
Mom came into my room early that morning, 4 AM to be exact. When she came in, I knew. She had informed me of the unfavorable circumstances that had developed the night before.
As soon as she walked in my room, I knew that he was dead. It was not only because she was supposed to be at the hospital with him, but I could also just feel the loss that hung in the tainted air. It choked me and suffocated me. The dark feeling swallowed me whole.
Fighting For Life Page 56
