I could feel my whole body shutting down as she spoke her soft words, “Aiden, your Pawpaw died early this morning. He passed on.”
I heard her, but I couldn’t really process her words. She came in and gave me a gentle hug. She clung onto me as we both cried. We found comfort in each other. We had both lost a man that meant the whole world to us . .. he was dead.
He was dead, and there was no bringing him back.
After several more minutes of us comforting each other, my mom left my room to tell Cece and Bri. I could no longer sleep due to the pain in my chest, so I simply sat there and thought about my grandpa. The emptiness that was left behind from his death was vast. No one else could fill the spot that he took up.
I couldn’t help but to yearn for Aubry. Not because she could fill the hole that was left by Pawpaw’s death, but because she was so good at comforting me. She was so good for me; however, as I thought about my grandpa’s death, I couldn’t help but to think about my father’s death. Thinking about that, led me straight into thinking all the bad thoughts I had about Aubry. I tried to shake those out of my head, but it was like they were playing on a loop in my head. My mind wouldn’t let me forget!
I was trying. I wanted to forgive her. I wanted her back! But I couldn’t stop the thoughts running wild in my mind. Every time I made a tiny bit of progress in my thoughts towards letting her back in, something was always lurking in my mind, ready to dilute all my good feelings again. Doubt always rushed in as I thought about being with her.
Doubt . . . doubt of her character, doubt of her truthfulness, doubt of her actions, doubt of her love for me. I doubted everything that we ever were and everything that we ever could be. I was terrified to get back with her. I was scared to be hurt once again. I loved her, but my doubts and fears held me back from forgiving her. My head was so screwed up!
“Hey honey, I just told the girls I’m going to keep all of you out of school for the next few days, at least until the funeral,” my mom said with her head poked through the door. Her voice cracked at the end of her statement, making my heart clench in sorrow.
Funeral, my grandpa’s funeral.
My poor mother . . . my poor family. The tears began to flow as I tried to swallow the fact that he was gone. He was dead.
Brandon stuck his head in my room to check on me a little while later. I told him I was okay and to just go comfort my sister. He couldn’t help me. The only person that could soften the blow was the girl that thoroughly hurt me the most.
I laid in my bed for a few more hours, letting myself fall apart. That was something that Pawpaw was good at though, keeping me together. Keeping all of us together. He always held us together when we were cracking at the seams.
As the clock hit six-thirty, it finally hit me that I wasn’t going to school. Not going to school meant not putting the sandwiches in Aubry’s locker. I didn’t care how hurt by her I was, she needed food. She needed fuel to fight.
I hastily pulled sweatpants on and a random shirt. I recognized it immediately as one of Aubry’s favorites. I threw it down as if it were on fire while I grabbed a new one. I went and knocked on Bri’s door. It took a minute, but she came out with puffy eyes and a sad look.
“Sorry to bother you, but I need to talk to you,” I said softly as I pulled her away from her room and into mine, away from prying ears. “I need Aubry’s locker combo. I’m going to put some sandwiches in there today.”
“But we’re not going to school?” she asked, confused.
“We’re not, but she still needs them. I’m going to go up to school before it starts and put them in her locker.”
Bri nodded in a daze and headed out to the living room, shuffling through her backpack. She finally handed me the locker combo as she looked down and swallowed. “Thank you for still doing that for her . . .” she whispered slowly.
I said nothing as I guided her back to her room.
“He loved you so much, Bri. He loved all of us,” I told her when we made it to the door. “Get some sleep, Bri.”
“He loved you too, Aid,” Bri whispered softly. “So, does she.”
I didn’t say a word to her last statement. I just stalked out the room and went to make a few sandwiches while trying not to think of anything. I was trying not to remember how screwed up everything truly was at that moment.
***
The next few days consisted of a lot of family. Family that I didn’t like, family that barely ever even checked on Pawpaw, and family that didn’t understand. I stayed in the gym most of the time. I had nothing else to do, and I needed to work off my despair.
I helped my mom with the funeral arrangements as she seemed to cling to me like a lifeline. I couldn’t say that I was handling his death very well, but I was handling it better than my mom was.
Of course, no one was handling it very well at all. He might have been ready, but we weren’t. Except Cece, she was handling his death extremely well with so much understanding and love. It was insane, she was acting more like a grown--up than anyone else.
“Cece,” Bri began hesitantly as we were all sitting around the kitchen table, forcing ourselves to eat. “How are you so okay with all of this? How are you handling Pawpaw’s death so easily?”
It was a question that all of us wanted to ask, so we all paid close attention to the answer.
“Well . . . Aubry told me when we found out about how sick he was that it would be a possibility that he’d die, but she said that it would be okay. She told me that I’d miss him, but I should be happy for him because he was going to be in a better place with no pain, plus, he gets to be with Grammy again! He missed her so much. Besides, I can talk to him whenever I want to; just like how I can with Daddy,” she said, smiling and looking away from all of us, staring at a blank spot on the wall.
“Oh, hell no, if she says, ‘I see dead people’ next. I’m out!” Tommy commented with his eyes wide.
Cece laughed loudly and then frowned at her cousin. “No, she said that they’re always with me now, so I can talk to them whenever I want, so I do. I’m going to miss Pawpaw, but I’d rather him be there than here. He deserves to be happy after being our Pawpaw so good,” Cece said finally.
She was so unselfish. I made myself sick.
“Oh, my goodness, my baby is growing up! You are so right. Your Pawpaw is so happy where he is. We should all be happy for him!” my mom said, wiping her eyes profusely.
Even Tommy had a breakdown earlier that afternoon. After Tommy had his breakdown, pretty much everyone seemed to start falling apart right after.
Brandon left for a couple hours, and Mom tried to sleep, but we could all hear her sobs from the living room. Bri sat in the corner, crying hysterically, and I couldn’t hardly even move due to my sadness; I felt paralyzed with grief. Even Cece had shed some tears over how much she missed her grandpa. We were all a complete mess.
The next day was the funeral. That had broken my mother completely. She was a hysterical mess. She was always so close to Pawpaw. He had been her last parent alive.
He was dead. The words rang through my ear like a bullet from a gun. It killed me to know that he was never going to be there ever again.
He was dead.
The graveside service was even worse. We watched them lower him down into the ground, and we stood there helpless. One of the wisest men and brightest lights in the world was being laid to rest . . . forever.
He was dead. He was truly dead.
After the funeral, several people came to our house to “mourn” with us. It didn’t really feel like mourning, though. They were just there in the way. They were all talking and laughing like Pawpaw wasn’t dead.
He was dead.
My mom got everyone to leave within a few hours, she was depressing everyone. Right after everyone left, Cece dragged us all back to the gravesite. She said that she just wanted us to have some family time with him. How could it truly be family time when he was six feet underground?
He wa
s dead.
***
We all pulled up to the graveyard, and my heart broke instantly. The realization that if I ever wanted to visit him would have to be at the cemetery made a strangled sob rise from the back of my throat. A few tears escaped my eyes, however, I quickly tried to pull myself together. I had to be strong for everyone else.
We all got out of the car and began walking to the freshly-done grave. As soon as the gravesite came into view, I stopped in my tracks.
She was there.
As I saw her standing there, looking at my grandfather’s grave, something in me yearned for her. I needed her so much, but just as that thought ran through my brain, I was reminded of the pain in my chest that she had caused.
My littlest sister ran up to her and hugged her, she was so happy to see her. She missed her incredibly. Aubry hugged her back softly, she looked so content with my baby sister. I could see the tears that she had been crying.
After a few moments, she realized that the rest of us were standing in front of her as well. She backed away as she looked at us. She looked around awkwardly as she looked like she was trying to think of something to say. There really was nothing to say . . . Pawpaw was dead.
Without thinking of what I was doing, my body carried me forward and my arms found their way around her frail body instantly. I needed her. My heart was hurting so badly, and it felt like she was the only thing that could fix it. She responded to my embrace quickly and pulled me into her.
I sighed into the hug and inhaled her natural scent. I loved her so much, and I missed her even more. She belonged there with me.
However, all good things must come to an end.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered into my ear softly.
I opened my eyes and looked around for a split-second—that was all my brain needed to remind me of my father and what Aubry had done. The pain in my chest seemed to worsen. My mind sneered at me for embracing her and told me about how mad my dad would be at me for loving her.
It was wrong. We were wrong. I shouldn’t love her! I was so disgusting. Everything that I ever did was always wrong.
It was as if I had been burned. I immediately let go of Aubry, and we both stumbled backwards. She fell backwards, and let out a little yelp as she hit the ground. I fell back and landed with a thud.
All the while, the only words that could come out of my mouth was, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
What was the matter with me? I just messed up every situation that I was in!
My family was all saying stuff, but I wasn’t sure to whom. I could hear them talking, but I couldn’t make out any words. All I could do was stare at Aubry. I wanted to be with her, and I was absolutely disgusted with myself that I couldn’t just let go of my anger and forgive her.
That was the issue with all of it though. Half of me wanted to forgive her, but the other half held onto all my hurt and anger. Half of me loved her while the other half wanted to hate her. I couldn’t love her while the hate for her so close to my heart, but I also couldn’t hate her while I loved her.
All of it was so messed up, and I was split in half.
After seeming to come out of a daze, I couldn’t miss her eyes watering. She then abruptly got up and ran away. She ran so fast that she was out of our sights within mere seconds. I messed everything up.
Pawpaw was dead. Aubry was gone. I was crazy. Screw everything. It was all so messed up!
Chapter Forty-Seven
The Pain of Nothing
Aubry
New cuts littered different parts of my flesh, joining the ranks with my old scars. I had forgotten how easy it was to do it, to destroy your body so harshly just to get some peace and quiet in your mind.
Heck, forget peace and quiet, I’d settle for bearable background noise. Just something other than the constant heart-wrenching pain that I had to endure for the almost three weeks that had passed. I knew that everything was all my own doing, but it just hurt so badly! If physical pain was what worked to take the other pain away, then that was what worked.
At first, I hadn’t meant to do it. I even scolded myself for losing control and scratching myself, but the fact of the matter is it worked. Everything stopped for a few seconds, and I could just focus on the pain of the cuts . . . nothing else.
It was addicting—emotional numbness. It was what I chased in the alcohol that I downed, the feelings that I tried to suppress, and now . . . the cuts that I painted across my skin. It helped the pain stay at bay. It helped life be kind of bearable.
Isn’t that just sad? I wanted a life of numbness. However, anything else was just too much to ask for. I didn’t deserve anything more. I knew that I deserved the pain too, but it was just too overwhelming to deal with. It was too much to handle. I would have gone crazy if I continued to feel every ounce of pain and loss for the rest of my life, no matter how long I had left or not.
Almost two weeks had passed, and I had no more run-ins with Aiden. He seemed to be avoiding me like a plague. I didn’t blame him for that, it was what was best for him.
I was toxic, and he needed to stay away from me since I obviously didn’t have the strength to stay away from him. Even at the Underground, he made sure to stay away. He made sure to show up late and leave as soon as his fight was done. He seemed to be in so much pain, and that just added to my guilt and pain. It was too much to bear.
I had won both of my fights easily over the weeks. I made sure I waited until after the fights to get well and truly drunk. And boy, how drunk I got. I got so drunk those nights that I ended up barfing in the alleyway behind the building. My head was spinning, my eyesight was blurry, and I couldn’t even walk, but I also couldn’t think about any of my pain, my past, my present, or future.
I was just numb, and that was nice.
Basically, the only person who talked to me was Brandon. The sandwiches continued to show up, sometimes coupled with a bottle of water or some chips which made me suspect Brandon even more.
He always asked if I was okay, the answer was always the same.
Did I have any other options other than to be okay? I had to be okay.
He was being nice, but I knew that it was just because he felt bad. He could see how badly I was doing, even if he didn’t flat out say it. I knew that he was just trying to protect his friends. He continuously said that if something happened to me, then they’d never forgive themselves.
I thought that he was just delusional. Honestly, no one cared, and everyone would have been better off without me.
However, I had to continue. It was just a few more weeks! Then I would graduate and could leave! I could start over somewhere.
Granted, that was only if I won the championship fight. That didn’t look too promising, though. Aiden continued winning just like I had. I really didn’t want to fight him in the finals. I couldn’t fight him.
It was a Tuesday night, and I was exhausted. My ribs were on fire, and my throat was itching to have some alcohol go down it. It wasn’t just a want anymore. It was a need, and I needed the numbness.
I walked down the road, slowly taking in the empty streets around me. The alleyways around the buildings gave off creepy vibes, and the fact that no one was around made it even scarier. I was in a bad neighborhood, but bad neighborhoods seemed to be the only places with bars that let me drink.
I made it to the door of a hole-in-a-wall, crappy bar, and pushed my way in. For a Tuesday night, the place was pretty busy. I found my way to the bar easily, and I lowered myself onto the bar stool. I waited patiently for the bartender. He got my order, and I told him to put it on someone’s tab. He hadn’t even questioned me.
I took purposeful drinks from my glass as I was trying to get drunk rather quickly. I turned around, eyeing the people around the building while gulping my drink. My eyes roamed openly over the drunk people all around. It seemed like I was invisible as I looked around, no one even noticed me.
As my eyes made their way to the other side of the bar near the pool tab
les, I almost dropped my glass. I turned my body around immediately, and let my long hair cover my face. I almost began hyperventilating as I realized how dumb I was. I took extremely deep breaths, trying to not have a panic attack as I cursed at myself.
I grasped ahold of my left forearm and squeezed it as hard as I could. The pain that resonated from my cuts brought me out of the state of panic and despair that I was in. I needed to get out of there without him noticing me.
How could I be so stupid to not realize what bar it was? How could I be so careless?
It seemed as if the world slowed down for a few seconds, just to laugh at me. I sat at the bar for a few more moments, composing myself. Finally, I discreetly turned and looked back at the spot to see if he was still there. He wasn’t. I figured that he went to the restroom, so I took my chance and ran out the bar.
How could I have been so stupid?!
I stepped away from the front door and took a breath of relief. I walked away quickly. Thank God he hadn’t seen me! It could have turned disastrous.
I walked a few steps more before I heard someone cough. I didn’t pay any attention to it as I was celebrating my victory in my head.
That was my mistake.
Before I was even twenty feet away from the front steps of the bar, I felt my hair being violently pulled backwards. I had no choice but to let my body follow unless I wanted my hair to be painfully removed from my scalp.
What the hell did I get myself into this time?
After a few moments of being pulled, I finally stopped at the end of the alleyway on the left side of the rundown bar. The alley was dark with no lights anywhere around, just the moon above to light it up partially. However, there was no mistaking the man that stood in front of me. The who still had a hold of the bottom part of my hair.
I hated him.
“Well, well, well little girl . . . We meet again,” he stated with malice in his voice as his eyes raked over my appearance.
Fighting For Life Page 57
