The Darkest Canyon

by Roberta Kagan

  Her mother had not known it, but Lila had made pets of a family of brown mice who lived under a tree, a few hundred feet behind her home. If her mother had been aware that she was playing with rodents, she would have forbade Lila from touching them. Lila knew her mother, and she knew that her mother would have warned her that mice were dirty and carried disease. But Lila didn’t believe it for a second. The mice whom she’d befriended were as soft and sweet as little angels. Every night she carefully broke off bits of bread and matzo from her portions at dinners to bring to her pets. And before she went off to bed, she ran outside and fed them. One Sabbath night, the prayers had gone on longer than usual, and it was already starting to get dark when Lila snuck out of her bed to feed the mice. She ran, carrying the cloth with the bits of bread inside. But she arrived just in time to see the most horrible thing her young eyes had ever witnessed: An owl. In retrospect, the bird was probably not as massive as her younger self remembered it to be. But at the time, it had seemed like a huge mass of black and brown feathers as it swept down and grabbed one of the baby mice with its terrible sharp talons. The mother mouse had let out a squeak of horror.

  Lila’s eyes had met the coal-black eyes of the owl as she took the baby mouse from its mother’s side. Lila looked down at the mother mouse and she swore, even in the semidarkness, that she could see the pain in the mother’s eyes. Anger filled Lila. She would have done anything to stop the owl from its flight. She threw stones at the owl, but she was small and not very strong. Her stones missed their mark. Then she began screaming so loud that her mother and father came running outside. But she was powerless to make the great bird of prey release the tiny creature. Her mother ran to her just as the monster owl disappeared into the sky carrying the small, white, furry body. Lila was trembling so hard that her teeth were chattering. Her mother wrapped her arms around Lila and held her as she sobbed for the little rodent and his mother. It was a long time before Lila could stand up and go into the house. But she was amazed that her parents did not reprimand her for having kept the mice as pets, although they insisted that she discontinue playing with rodents. And from that time on Lila feared owls.

  Whenever she heard the hoots of the owls as they searched for food, she held her small son close to her. He was more vulnerable than she. And even though she knew he was too large for an owl to carry off, she was still afraid for him. Lila knew she was defenseless, and because she was well aware of this fact, her heart always beat a little too fast, and she was constantly plagued by her own silent terror. She had the gun that Werner had brought with them, but after she shot him she had been so anxious to get away that she’d forgotten to take the extra bullets. To make matters worse, there was always the danger of being caught and arrested. Three times now she had clamped her hand over her son’s mouth to keep him silent as they hid behind the trees, while soldiers marched only a few feet away.

  The following afternoon, as they were traveling through the forest, they passed a pond. The water had melted in spots. Lila had never been fishing, and she had no idea of how to go about it, but they needed food. She took off her skirt because she didn’t want it to get wet. Then in her slip, she sat Moishe on a rock and told him not to move. “The water is still very cold,” she told him, then she took his little face in her hands and lifted his eyes to meet hers. “And we don’t know how deep it is, either. So, please, stay here and wait for Mommie to take care of things.”

  Lila walked into the water and waded up to her knees. She was terrified that there might be a sudden drop at any time, and she didn’t know how to swim. There were fish swimming in the pond, but they were fast and always eluded her grasp. She slid and almost fell. But she tried again, until she heard splashing behind her. Moishe had followed her into the icy water and he was drowning. Her feet would not move as fast as she willed them to. What if he disappears under the patch of ice? Please God, please help me. By the time she got to Moishe, he was coughing furiously, but at least he was still alive, still breathing. His body was trembling from the cold water. She stripped him naked and laid his clothing in the sun. Then she wrapped his shivering body in the blankets and held him close to her breast. Lila felt the hot tears sting the backs of her eyes. I almost lost you. You are the most important thing in the world to me, and in a single moment you were almost gone forever. She rocked Moishe softly and the tears began to flow down her cheeks. She thought of her husband. Ben, I am so alone here. I never thought I would say this, but I need you. I need a friend, someone I can talk to, someone to help me make some of these decisions that I am faced with every day. Oh, Ben. We wasted so much time fighting. Strange, isn’t it? I guess maybe I loved you. I can’t say for sure. But maybe I did. I always thought I was so strong, but now I find that I wish you were here beside me, so we could go forward together. There are times I think I can’t go on anymore. I just want to give up. I know it’s a sin, but I have thought of taking our lives: Moishe’s first and then my own. If I could do this in a way that would be painless to him, I would do it. I would do it because I don’t know what is in store for his little soul. Will he die a painful death by starvation? Will he be taken from me and ripped apart by wild animals? Will the Nazis capture us and torture our poor, innocent boy just because he’s a Jew? She glanced down at Moishe. He was staring up at her, his eyes wide with fear. Oh, poor child you must have read my mind. You look like you are afraid of me, your own mother. You’re eyes are huge, staring at me. You are afraid I will kill you. What have I come to?

  “Shaaa, shaaa, little Moishe. No one is going to hurt you. Mommie is here. Mommie would never hurt you. I will care for you, give my life for you, if need be. But you must listen to me from now on when I tell you to do something. If I tell you to wait outside the water you must do as I ask. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, Mommie.”

  “What a good boy you are. What a very good boy.” She bent down and kissed the top of his wet, blond hair.

  “Will you tell me the story of Moses again?” he asked.

  She smiled at him. He loved that story because he and Moses shared the same name.

  “Yes, of course, I will tell you. Are you ready?”

  Moishe put his thumb in his mouth and nodded.

  “Moses was born to Jewish parents, but when he was just a little boy, there was a pogrom and Moses was in danger. So his mother took him to the river and wrapped him in a Hebrew blanket, so that he would see the blanket when he got older and know that he was a Jew. Then she put him in a basket and pushed the basket down the river. As the river’s current took little Moses, his mother said a prayer to God that someone would save him.”

  CHAPTER 29

  April, Berlin

  Three days before Hilde was to arrive, Gretchen and Eva went over the entire apartment, cleaning and checking everything. They went over Eva’s story several times to ensure they would not slip up while Hilde was staying with them.

  “I am so afraid I will call you Rebecca. Once in a while I still slip up when we are in the apartment. And what happens if I say something about Eli by accident? I am so worried,” Gretchen said to Eva.

  “I know. We have to be very guarded. Before we speak we must weigh everything we say. She will be here all day, every day; there will be no time when it will be safe to speak openly in this apartment until she leaves,” Eva said.

  “I am dreading this.”

  “Me too.”

  Hilde arrived very early in the morning; she looked thin and sickly. She brought a suitcase filled with gifts for Gretchen. She hugged Gretchen and then sat down on the sofa.

  “I brought you coffee, real coffee, of course, and sugar, a whole box full, and chocolate too! I even brought you a gold necklace. I think you will love it.”

  “It’s good to see you,” Gretchen said, and it would have been true had it not been for the fact that she had to be very careful of every word she said.

  “I’m happy to see you too. I’m afraid I don’t look very well though. The pregnancy
has been hard on me.”

  “You’ve lost weight,” Gretchen said. “I mean, not your belly, of course, that’s baby weight.” Gretchen mustered a smile. “But your face has grown thin.”

  “Being pregnant takes a toll on your body. But do you remember how I used to say that I thought that if I had a child I would be able to give it up to the Lebensborn?”

  “I do.”

  “I had no idea how bonded a mother can become with that tiny life growing in her womb. I couldn’t imagine giving this child away. You were right.”

  “Having a baby is going to be wonderful for you.”

  “I think so too. The further along I get in the pregnancy, the more I can’t wait to give birth. I had a terrible relationship with my mother and because of it, I didn’t think I would make a good mother. But now, I believe that having my own child will help me to work through some of the pain I felt growing up. I want to give my baby the best life I possibly can.”

  “Oh, Hilde, I am so happy for you. I think that having a baby will bring you so much happiness. And to Axel too.”

  “Yes, Axel and I have grown closer since I got pregnant. It’s still not a fairy-tale marriage. Sometimes I look at him and wish he was handsome and suave. He’s really rather ordinary, but in my own way, I care for him. And I realize that he is very good to me.”

  “He loves you very much. He told me at your wedding. He said you are his reason for living.”

  “Axel.” Hilde smiled and shook her head. “Now, why can’t Axel look like Hann?”

  “You still think of Hann?” Gretchen asked incredulously.

  “Sure, sometimes. You have to admit, he was devastatingly handsome.”

  “Yes, he was. But you’re married now, and you couldn’t ask for a better husband than Axel,” Gretchen said, then she changed the subject. “You must be tired from traveling. Why don’t you go and freshen up while I make us a pot of coffee. I told the foreman at the factory that I might be late this morning because I had a friend coming to stay with me from out of town. I told him I wanted to make you comfortable before I came in to work. But, of course, if you are tired . . . maybe you would prefer to lie down?”

  “I think I would like to lie down, if you don’t mind. I’m very tired.”

  “Of course. You know where the bathroom is, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” Hilde said, “I remember.”

  “And my cousin Eva has agreed to sleep on the sofa while you are here. She wants you to be comfortable. So let me carry your bags to my father’s old room.”

  “Are you both sure about this? I don’t want to put you or your cousin out,” Hilde said.

  “Of course we are both sure. You are our guest. Now go on and get washed up. I’ll leave your bag in my father’s room.”

  Hilde stood up and hugged Gretchen. “I am so glad to see you, my best friend. Just being here with you, I feel better already.”

  CHAPTER 30

  Hilde slept, awakening just as Gretchen was returning from work. Gretchen was laying her handbag down on the coffee table when Hilde came out of her bedroom.

  “Did you get some rest?” Gretchen asked.

  “Yes, I did. I needed it. I slept better here than I have in a long time.”

  “I’m glad.” Gretchen smiled. “Would you like something to eat?”

  “I was thinking that I would like to take you and Eva out for dinner this evening. That is, if you would like to go.”

  “Hilde, that’s so sweet of you. But you don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to. It would be my pleasure. Most of the local restaurants should be having celebrations for the führer’s birthday tomorrow. So this will be fun. What time does Eva come home from work?”

  “Around seven. Sometimes a little earlier or later. She works in a bakery, and the owner closes when he runs out of bread,” Gretchen said.

  “So she should be arriving in about an hour or so?” Hilde asked.

  “Yes, give or take.”

  “Then let’s get ready to go somewhere for dinner. We can talk and have a few beers. It will be nice. Do you think it would take long for her to change clothes and freshen up?”

  “I doubt it. Eva is very good that way. She gets ready quickly.”

  At five after seven, Eva’s key turned in the door and she walked in. Hilde stared at her. Her eyes narrowed. “This is my cousin Eva. Eva, this is my best friend, Hilde,” Gretchen offered. As soon as Gretchen saw the look on Hilde’s face she knew that Hilde saw how beautiful Eva was.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Gretchen speaks so highly of you,” Eva greeted Hilde graciously.

  “Oh? How nice.” Hilde’s eyebrows rose.

  “Hilde has offered to take the two of us out for dinner. How long will it take you to get ready?” Gretchen asked as her gaze landed on Eva.

  “Just a few minutes. I’ll wash my face and change my dress. I’m afraid this one is covered with flour. Would that be all right?”

  “Of course,” Hilde said. She sat down on the sofa to wait. Her heavy belly made standing for long periods difficult. After Eva had disappeared into the bathroom Hilde turned to Gretchen. “She’s quite pretty. Does she remind you of Thea?”

  “No, I don’t think so. Not at all.”

  “She has the blonde hair. They are the same height and hourglass shape,” Hilde said. “Well, it doesn’t really matter, anyway. She’s not Thea. She’s your cousin. And any relative of yours, Gretchen, is a friend of mine.”

  Gretchen smiled wryly at Hilde, a little unsure. Hilde’s tone of voice had not been at all convincing.

  Within a few minutes Eva returned. Even without a stitch of makeup she was radiant. She turned to Hilde. “It really is very nice of you to take us out for dinner, Hilde.”

  Hilde smiled. “So where should we go? Somewhere in town?”

  “Perfect,” Gretchen said.

  The three women, each so different from the others, walked into town. Hilde was right, the restaurants, bars, and beer gardens were full of people celebrating Hitler’s birthday. There was live music and people playing drinking games. They chose a little restaurant. The hostess seated the three girls at a table with a red-and-white-checked tablecloth and handed them menus.

  “Let’s start with a round of beer,” Hilde said. “I could use a cold one.” She flagged a pretty waitress in a traditional German folk costume, with a short yellow dirndl skirt, a black vest, and white, ruffled blouse. Her light brown hair hung on either side of her head in two braids.

  They ordered thick, dark beer, sausage, sauerkraut, and a vinegar-potato salad.

  “This is a feast, Hilde. Are you sure you can afford all of this?”

  “I’m quite sure. I earned plenty of money while I was working, and now Axel has been promoted. So he got a raise. A few reichsmarks to celebrate two wonderful occasions is money well spent.”

  “Two?” Gretchen asked.

  “Three, actually. Let’s drink to them, eh?” Hilde said, as the waitress put three mugs of dark beer on the table. “To my baby.”

  The three clinked glasses.

  “To lifelong friendships, like the one we have, you and I, Gretchen,” Hilde said and again they drank.

  “And, of course, to good health and long life for our wonderful führer, on his birthday.”

  They clinked their glasses again. Eva was hesitant to drink to Hitler. But she hid it well; no one could have seen it in her face.

  Hilde’s eyes lit up as she glanced across the room and saw a familiar face. Hann! Hann is here, she thought with excitement.

  Then as Eva lifted her beer to her lips she caught the eye of a handsome man who was staring at her from across the room. So blatant was his gaze that she cast her eyes down. But before she could even look up again he was standing at their table.

  It was Hann.

  “Hann!” Hilde exclaimed. She glanced over at Gretchen but went on talking to Hann. “It’s wonderful to see you. I wrote to you several times but you never answered
. I hoped that you were doing all right. So, dare I ask, what are you doing here in Berlin? I thought you were in Frankfurt. My gosh, don’t you look handsome in that Wehrmacht uniform! I’m rambling. I’m sorry,” Hilde said.

  “I was conscripted into the army, so I had to quit my job with the autobahn. I’m here on leave to visit my mother for the führer’s birthday!”

  “You must join us for dinner. I insist,” Hilde said.

  “Would that be all right with you, if I sit here, beside you?” Hann asked Eva directly.

  She did not look up at him, but she managed to say, “Oh yes, of course.”

  “Hilde and Hann are old friends,” Gretchen said. There was the slightest hint of a warning in her voice.

  “We knew each other when we were teenagers,” Hann said, pulling up a chair and sitting down beside Eva, between Eva and Gretchen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name?” he asked Eva with a flirtatious smile.

  “I’m Eva.”

  “You must be new here, in Berlin. I don’t remember you from the Bund.”

  “She is my cousin, Hann. She’s here from the countryside, staying with me for a while,” Gretchen said quickly. She was afraid that Eva might be at a loss for words.

  Gretchen saw an unmistakable look of attraction in Hann’s eyes as he looked at Eva. This was not good, not at all. Gretchen felt her head begin to ache. I can’t believe that of all people, we had to run into Hann. This can bring nothing but trouble, Gretchen thought. I wish we could leave and go home before this goes any further. Hilde will not take kindly to his paying so much attention to Eva. I can’t possibly ask if we can leave; the food has been ordered. And besides, who am I kidding? Hilde will not want to go.

  Hilde was talking quickly and incessantly. She was obviously excited to see Hann. She began asking him questions about his life. He, in turn, only gave her one-word answers. Then he grew quiet for a few moments and stared at Hilde directly, as if he were about to say something cruel. Gretchen was suddenly afraid he was going to accuse Hilde of being the cause of all of Thea’s misfortunes. She felt a shiver run down her spine as she saw the disgust in Hann’s eyes as he looked across the table at Hilde.