Fire

by McAdams, Molly

  And even when his stare had drifted to me, all that intense passion capturing me up and weakening my anger and my resolve, he hadn’t tried closing that distance between us the way he had the first night. He also hadn’t said anything to me until he was leaving, and then it was just two words.

  The only ones that mattered when it came to us.

  “Every breath.”

  Once he was gone, I’d headed to the kitchen to stress-bake. And that’s when the box had first caught my eye—sitting in the exact spot where I’d left my phone after accidentally shattering the screen a couple days before. I’d stood there staring at it much the same way I was then before going to the freezer and grabbing a pint of ice cream instead.

  “This is stupid. He’s your husband, he’s allowed to replace your broken phone,” I muttered to myself, snatching up the box and carefully opening the lid.

  I don’t know what I’d been expecting, considering I knew what the box held, but my shoulders sagged when I found a phone. Already set up to look exactly like my old one with every picture and message still there.

  Maybe it was because I’d immediately gone through all the missed calls and messages, looking for anything from Beau . . . and finding nothing. Since I’d first told him to leave, he’d called a couple times a day and messaged dozens more. But there hadn’t been one call or text from him since he’d first come over.

  I wasn’t sure why it hurt so badly, why it made my chest ache with dread, even though I’d told him I wasn’t ready.

  Maybe because it felt like a step down a path we couldn’t come back from. Maybe because our distance and silence terrified me as much as it felt necessary.

  I hurried to grab up the box when I heard Levi waking from his nap, babbling and cooing to himself, my movements coming to an abrupt stop when I saw it.

  Setting the phone on the counter, I pulled away the slip of paper stuck to the inside of the box, my heart racing this unforgiving beat when I turned it around and saw Beau’s scrawl.

  I love you.

  Cradling the paper in my palm, I took the box upstairs and set the paper on my nightstand, letting my gaze linger on it for a moment longer before I hurried off to see one of my favorite guys.

  “Handsome boy,” I whispered, expression bright when I snuck into Levi’s room and found him staring at me through the slats of his crib. A cheesy grin spreading wide across his face and showcasing his dimples. “How was your nap?”

  He babbled endlessly as I changed his diaper and put him in a new outfit.

  “Tell me about it,” I teased as I lifted him into my arms and started for the door. “Your life sounds so rough.”

  “Dadda?” he asked, pointing at the doorway and twisting my heart.

  “Mmhm,” I forced out, nodding and keeping my smile in place. “Daddy will be here soon. So will lots of other people, including Grandma and Grandpa. Isn’t that fun?”

  “Dadda,” he said again, continuing to lead the way with his finger.

  “Yeah.” I took a fortifying breath as I started down the stairs. Trying to ignore the fierce ache in my chest and the way it felt like I would fall to the floor and never get up again if I stopped for just one second. “I know, buddy.”

  Following the sounds of my older kids down the stairs and into their tucked-away playroom, I let my stare dance over them as they colored side by side. Their lightsabers still lit up and lying forgotten beside them after what I was sure was an epic battle.

  “Qin.”

  A soft gasp left me as I looked to where Levi was pointing at them, excitement bursting from me as I bounced him, slowly dancing with him. “That’s right! Is that your sister, Quinn?”

  “Qin,” he repeated before giving a big belly laugh as if he’d just said the funniest thing in the world.

  The older two scrambled to their feet and ran over at hearing his laugh, having just noticed us there. Cooing over their little brother the way they always did, as if he were a newborn and not nine months old.

  “He’s trying to say your name,” I told Quinn, my throat tightening because Beau wasn’t there.

  But that was silly.

  He wouldn’t have been there anyway. He would’ve still been at work.

  When they tried and failed to get him to say it again, and Levi just leaned his head on my shoulder and smiled at them like they were being funny, I cleared my throat. “Okay, guests are gonna start arriving soon, and we’ll have a completely full house this weekend.”

  “Like Grandma and Grandpa?” Quinn asked excitedly.

  “Yes,” I answered as Wyatt did some sort of karate chop to show his excitement. “But they’re coming in later tonight. Other people are coming before them. Do you remember the rules when guests are here?”

  “No running through the house,” Quinn recited, her excitement still beaming through and making her all kinds of squirmy.

  “No killing Quinn with lightsabers.”

  A snort left me, my chest shaking with the laughter I was trying so hard to suppress. “Yeah, uh . . . no killing your sister ever. But definitely not when guests are here.” I studied them, love and adoration pulling at my chest. “If you need to be all wild and crazy, be crazy in here or your rooms, right?”

  “Right,” they said in unison.

  “But I think one last lap through the house might be needed,” I said slowly, pretending to think it over. Stepping back, I nodded toward the open door. “Ready, set, go.”

  They were gone before I finished talking, screaming like mad and declaring who would win when they’d only just begun.

  “They’re so silly,” I whispered to Levi when he giggled and reached after them.

  But before they could return, the sound of the doorbell filled the house.

  “Oh, someone’s early,” I mumbled mostly to myself as I hurried out of the playroom, silently cursing myself for not being more prepared.

  Not for the guests, everything was ready for them. But for the first arrival. I’d wanted to get the kids at least settled with a snack before anyone showed. Then again, I hadn’t been expecting anyone until after Beau was supposed to be there.

  Hitching Levi higher up on my hip when I made it into the entryway, I high-fived Quinn and Wyatt when I found them hurrying back to the playroom, covering their giggling faces with one of their hands because they knew the time for screaming was over.

  “Who was winning?” I asked as they passed.

  Wyatt huffed. “C’mon, Momma. You know I’m so super-fast.”

  “Of course.” I playfully rolled my eyes. “How could I forget?”

  Quinn spun around, mischievous expression falling. “Daddy’s coming, right?”

  Her tone and the worry on her face was enough to make me miss a step before stopping altogether. The fear that had been plaguing her ever since Beau came over a couple days before had only grown.

  As if she understood far more than she should. As if she saw these hours with her dad for what they were.

  Hours.

  Not him truly coming home for the night.

  “Of course,” I said, head bobbing frantically. “He should be home soon. I’ll get you when he is.”

  At my assurance, she took off for the playroom, features as bright and excited as ever.

  If it weren’t for the second ring of the doorbell that sounded, I would’ve crumpled right there. For what we were going through, for what he had done, for how I was hurting my family and lying to my children.

  Forcing myself to keep going, I took a deep, steeling breath and reached for the handle of the door as Beau’s voice drifted through my thoughts.

  Let’s live that dream.

  Forcing the fakest smile of my life, I pulled open the door, already talking as I did. “Hi, I’m so sorry about—” Shock filled me and stole the rest of my words as I stared at the man in front of me.

  At once familiar and like looking at a stranger.

  A sound of disbelief fled from me, my head shaking absentmindedly as I t
ried to wrap my head around the fact that he was there. “Peter?”

  That familiar, wry grin stole across his face. “Hey, Anna-Hannah.”

  “Oh my God!” I nearly shouted as I rushed forward to crush myself to him while carefully holding Levi away.

  Amusement left him on a soft laugh as he hugged me. “Missed you too.”

  A huff tumbled past my lips, all wavering emotion because crying was all I seemed capable of anymore. “I can’t believe you’re here. What are you doing here? I mean, I know what you’re doing—I just didn’t know you would be here. I missed you.” I shoved his shoulder when I pulled away, a sob of a laugh bursting free. “And it’s Savannah, you ass.”

  His head tipped back on a barking laugh, his eyes all familiar mischief when he met my stare again. “Better watch that mouth, Riley, you have little ears around now.”

  I waved him off as I stepped back to let him inside.

  “Excuse me—Dixon.” He gave me a look that was all kinds of amused and not at all surprised as I shut the door behind him. “Sorry I missed the wedding.”

  “My wedding?” I asked, disbelief coating my words. “Peter, I thought you weren’t even gonna be here for your brother’s wedding.”

  His eyes dragged to the side, rolling as they did. “Would you blame me?”

  A noncommittal hum sounded in my throat as I shifted Levi around, giving myself something to do so I wouldn’t have to answer that. “But you’re here,” I said, happiness pouring free as I eyed the bag in his hand. “All our rooms are taken—your parents rented out most of them. But I’ll move some things around and get a bed ready for you.”

  “Actually . . .” He gave me one of those looks that was so utterly the Peter I’d known growing up. All humor even though he was trying to look hesitant. “I kinda talked my grandma into giving up her room here. She’s staying at my parents’ now.”

  A sharp huff left me. “Peter Rowe . . .”

  “Again, do you blame me?” Something dark and heavy passed over his face as he shrugged. “Hadn’t been here more than a minute before my mom started in on all the ways I ruined my marriage.”

  “What?” It was nothing more than a breath as his pain echoed my own and made the soul-deep ache flare. “Oh, I hadn’t . . . I hadn’t heard.”

  “Surprising in this town.” He glanced away, head shaking subtly as he did. “Then again, I think my mom’s in denial and embarrassed for anyone to find out—especially with Philip getting married.” His voice softened to an irritated murmur. “And then I went and thought I’d be able to handle my family for Philip’s three-day wedding weekend.”

  I cleared my throat, nodding to the side as I did. “You wanna talk about it over coffee?”

  “Well, damn, Anna-Hannah,” he muttered, some of that amusement coming back to his tone. “Been in this place for about a minute. It’s about time you start showing some hospitality.”

  A laugh left me as I pushed him away. “Such a jerk.”

  He followed me into the kitchen, a low whistle coming from him as he took everything in.

  “I’ll give you a tour later when I show you to your room,” I offered as I went over to the coffee maker to get a pot going. “Or did you want to go relax now? Sorry, I didn’t even think. I’m still in shock that you’re here.”

  “No, I’m good.” He set his bag down near the archway, something like awe in his voice as he looked around. “Can’t believe y’all did it—got the house and made your dream.” After a moment, he huffed, his tone all wicked teasing. “Can’t believe your parents let you marry Beau Dixon.”

  My face fell, and I was thankful my back was to Peter. This man I’d grown up with and spent nearly as much time with as the Dixon boys. Who had been like an older brother to me before he’d left for college and then the Navy, where he’d stayed. He would’ve seen right through it, down to the root of my pain.

  “Yeah.” I tried to laugh, tried to joke, but it fell flat. “Actually, they really love him now.”

  “No shit?”

  Another one of those noncommittal hums built in my throat. “Yeah, it took a long time, but things started changing the night—well, the last night I saw you, I guess. Before you left for the Navy.”

  “You good?” he asked suddenly, voice much closer than it had been and dripping with concern.

  “Yeah.” I shrugged, barely making eye contact with him as I turned to grab a banana and an avocado for Levi’s snack.

  But I saw his furrowed brow. The worry and the wonder. And if Peter was anything like he used to be, I knew he wouldn’t let it go.

  “So, tell me what happened,” I asked as I moved through the kitchen to put Levi in his high chair, trying to get the focus off me. “I’d heard about you getting married from my parents, but not the rest.” When I faced him again, I let my expression fall with my apology. “To be honest, I try not to keep up with your family all that much.”

  He waved a hand lazily through the air. “I don’t keep up with them much either.” With an exhausted sigh, he said, “There isn’t a whole lot to say. She didn’t like how much I was gone with my job, so she left.”

  I paused in cutting open the avocado, my voice hesitant when I asked, “Your job . . . in the Navy? You’re a SEAL, right?”

  His eyes narrowed playfully at me. “Thought you didn’t keep up with my family.”

  “You should’ve heard the girls in this town when it got loose that you were a Navy SEAL.” An exaggerated groan left me that faded into a laugh. “There are probably still some who have been desperately waiting for you to come back. Your being in Amber is probably making their entire life.”

  “Yay me,” he said dryly. “But, yeah. Going overseas. Missions. She didn’t like it. I told her I’d get out. I would’ve done anything for her. But she still left, even after I got the paperwork started.”

  “Oh my God,” I whispered, sorrow pulling at my chest. “I’m so sorry.” When he just shrugged, trying to feign indifference, I asked. “So, are you still getting out?”

  “Already am. Have been for over a month. But if my mom asks, I just got out this week.”

  At the mischievous grin on his face, a soft laugh bled from me. “I see. And what are you gonna do? Come back here?”

  A huff left him, his expression saying I should’ve known better. “Not everyone loves Amber the way you do, Savannah,” he said, repeating words he’d told me so, so long ago.

  “You do have a problem with returning,” I mumbled meaningfully.

  His brows lifted in agreement. “A couple guys from my Team live in South Carolina now. When everything happened and I got out, I went there to get my mind off everything. Be pissed at the world, I dunno.” His shoulders lifted in a quick shrug. “And that place . . . there’s just something about it.”

  “You like it there,” I said when he didn’t continue.

  His head dipped in a slow nod, stare unfocused for a while before one of those grins lit up his entire face. “Small as hell, but it’s nothing like Amber. And the gossip there? They think they have it on lockdown, and it cracks me up because they can’t touch the Amber networking system.”

  “Nothing can,” I said in agreement as I put Levi’s snack in front of him, making babbling noises back at him for a moment before turning to clean up as Peter poured coffee, making himself at home.

  “A lot of people know a lot of people, but there’s still some sense of privacy. Place is adorable as hell. But . . . it doesn’t have my parents and we have more than one traffic light.”

  I drew in a shallow gasp as if he’d told me something scandalous. “What kind of sacrilegious place has more than one traffic light?”

  One of those big, contagious laughs burst from him as he slid a mug my way. “The kind that . . .” His words trailed off when my laugh immediately died as my heart took off in a frantic, painful race toward the man who’d just entered the kitchen.

  Midnight-blue eyes locked on me for long moments, holding me prisoner with
all that love and pain before they slid toward Peter and narrowed.

  “Oh, hey,” Peter said, quickly recovering when he saw Beau. “Damn, man, it’s been a long time.”

  “Peter,” Beau said gruffly, then turned to leave the kitchen, his stare catching on me as he did.

  My hand shot out to the counter as my knees weakened. Because that fierce look had said it all.

  He was hurting, I knew. But this encounter hurt him more. The betrayal that ripped through his eyes said as much.

  Except I hadn’t been doing anything. I wasn’t the one who had betrayed the other. And this was Peter. It was no different than having a conversation with one of Beau’s brothers. And I hated that he’d left me feeling like I’d done something wrong, like I needed to fix things, when everything had been on him.

  When I finally looked away from the archway Beau had left through, Peter was studying me. Expression solemn and knowing. Lifting the entire pot of coffee, he asked, “Got anything stronger?”

  A soggy laugh broke free as tears filled my eyes, but I quickly shook my head, stepping back and holding up a hand when he stepped forward. “No, no. Don’t. I’m fine.” Sucking in a broken breath, I blinked quickly until the threat of tears was gone, then gave him a shaky smile. “See? Fine.”

  One of his eyebrows lifted as he said, “Yeah, and my brother’s a saint.” All sarcasm and dripping with doubt as he silently prompted me to explain what that had been about.

  “Peter, please?” I softly begged as the sound of my kids coming down the hall with Beau filtered into the kitchen.

  His head had slanted that way, listening to the same soul-warming voices, before shifting back to me. With a slight dip of his chin, he murmured, “But we’re drinking more than coffee later.”

  My voice was all a hesitant breath and did nothing to mask the lie when I said, “Yeah, sure.”

  Beau curled his arm around me as we followed Hunter and Madison, laughing and teasing each other on their way into the Dixons’ house. Dancing around him the way she always did while his eyes tracked her because they were never anywhere else.