Fire

by McAdams, Molly

  Striking out and biting back a curse as pain exploded along my knuckles and through my wrist. Blood pouring free and dripping onto the tiled floor of the shower. The throbbing in my hand matching the pounding in my head, one emphasizing the other.

  And neither were enough.

  No pain would ever be enough for what I had done to the one good and pure thing in my world.

  I stared at the floor of my bedroom, gripping at my hair as that night clawed at my mind. Jaw clenched tight and shoulders feeling like they each weighed a ton.

  It’d been two months . . . more than that . . . and each day had been filled with the worst kind of guilt and paranoia. Leaving me constantly on the edge of losing control in a way I’d never been.

  I had a problem—I knew that. I’d known that most of my life. But not like this.

  Hunter and Cayson had had to tear me off of Sawyer because he’d laughed near me. I didn’t even know what he’d been laughing at, I’d just snapped.

  I’d been arrested. Again.

  A guy looked at Savannah, and I’d lost it. He’d been our waiter, and he’d just been taking her order. I’d known that as I unleashed my unfounded rage on him, but I hadn’t been able to stop. All reason seemed to fade away as that red haze took over, and it was only getting worse.

  Lying to Savannah. Looking at her and knowing what I’d done. Seeing the confusion and disappointment as my anger became more irrepressible. Pretending like everything was fucking okay when I saw my brother or when Madison was around even though it felt like I was dying the slowest, most painful death.

  I was breaking. Literally crumbling.

  And I was taking Savannah with me.

  The door to my room opened at the same time Savannah called out, “Beau?”

  My head snapped up and I turned in time to see her peek into my room, her expectant expression falling when she found me.

  “Hey.”

  Her mouth lifted in a smile that was filled with so much uncertainty, and it tore at my already shredded heart. “Hi.” Her stare darted around, looking everywhere but at me as she shut the door behind her and pressed up against it.

  Not looking at me. Not coming to me.

  Everything about it was wrong. Everything about it was the opposite of us. And that was on me.

  The pain and worry dancing across her face. The unfamiliar way she spoke to me. All of it was there because of me.

  “You weren’t down there,” she said as her eyes finally met mine. “Thought I’d come looking for you. See if—” She lifted one of her shoulders and shook her head, never finishing what she’d been about to say.

  I wanted to beg her to just say it. To say whatever was on her mind. To yell at me. To do anything. But I just nodded, knowing her hesitation was in response to the way I’d been the past couple of months.

  “Needed to get away for a minute,” I said, giving her the only portion of the truth I could.

  There was a party currently happening in my parents’ house. Dozens of people filling the inside and spilling out, celebrating the next graduating class. Hunter and Madison’s class. Where I was supposed to pretend some more.

  Pretend like everything was okay.

  Like I hadn’t betrayed my brother and the girl in front of me. Like watching Madison go around as if nothing had happened, as if she wasn’t suffering under the same guilt I was, didn’t infuriate me. Like Savannah and I weren’t breaking.

  “And that included getting away from me?” Savannah asked softly, her chest shuddering as she sucked in a calming breath.

  Fuck. Fuck, no, no, no. “Savannah—”

  “Things have been different.” She steeled her jaw and continued holding my stare, trying to look strong when I knew she was so close to crumpling. “I can feel it. I can see it,” she continued, voice wavering. “I don’t know what’s happening, or what happened—”

  “Nothing,” I lied, fear gripping at my throat and freezing me in place as I struggled to think of what to do to make this okay.

  To make this right when nothing could.

  Her head shook slowly. “Beau, you’re distant. Not just emotionally, but physically.” A weak huff tumbled from her as she gestured to me, as if proving her point. “You’re distracted when we’re together. You don’t—” Her tongue darted out to wet her lips and her stare fell away. Blush creeping up her neck when she said, “You don’t touch me.”

  At the pain in her voice, my entire being reacted. Rushing for her as my heart wrenched and spirit thrashed.

  “That isn’t what I mean,” she said quickly, a sharp cry falling from her lips when I stopped a couple feet away. She blinked up at me, each tear slipping down her cheeks like a cut to my chest. “It’s like you’re trying to escape me. If you want out—”

  “Out?” I choked on the word as it scraped up my throat. My heart sank and my veins filled with ice. “Savannah, you’re my world. Why the hell would I want out?”

  “I don’t know, but I can feel that you don’t want this anymore.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  Her head moved in wide, wild shakes before nodding fiercely. “Then, maybe you just want me.” Her voice was so soft, so broken, so defeated that it knocked me forward a step.

  Body trembling.

  Chest pitching with uneven breaths.

  But that haze was nowhere to be found. This? This was pure fear and denial and loss.

  I wanted Savannah. I wanted her every day of the rest of my life . . . but I knew from her tone that she meant something different.

  “What are you saying, Savannah?” I asked hesitantly.

  “I know what it’s like to be your world, Beau,” she whispered, jaw trembling as she continued. “I don’t know what happened, I just know I’m not that anymore.”

  “You’re wrong,” I said again as the backs of my eyes burned.

  “I think maybe you won’t admit it because you need me. Because I take it away.”

  Ice shot across the hollow in my chest, stealing my next breaths as I stared at the woman I loved. As I wondered how I could’ve fucked up so badly with her when she’d been the only thing I’d ever gotten right.

  I closed the last of the distance between us and pulled her away from the door. Her chest heaved with a muted cry when I curled my hands around either side of her neck and looked into her honey eyes. Jaw clenched tight when I repeated, “You’re wrong.”

  Her eyelids shut and her face pinched with pain and unknowns.

  “If you really think I’ve been with you, or that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, because you take it away . . . then I’ve failed at loving you.”

  A sob fell from her lips, her head moving in quick shakes as she looked at me again. “No. No, I—God, I don’t know. You didn’t fail anything, Beau. It’s just . . .”

  “I failed you.”

  “Beau . . .”

  This was a new level of suffering.

  It was cold and dark, and I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into it. Drowning with no way to the surface. Not when I was the reason I was being dragged down. Not when this went so far past what I had done—the guilt I was trying to live with.

  Finding out the woman I’d loved and worshipped for years didn’t truly know that? Didn’t feel that?

  Fuck . . .

  I took her in. Her eyes and lips. The angles of her face I’d studied thousands of times before and the way she felt in my hands. My body trembling as I prayed this wouldn’t be the last time I held her.

  “If you believe that,” I began, voice rough and thick with worry, “I need you to walk away.”

  Her expression fell and her body swayed toward mine.

  “You deserve to feel like you’re someone’s world.”

  “I do,” she breathed quickly.

  “You deserve to know that someone’s day starts and ends with you. That their heart beats your name.”

  “I do,” she choked out as new tears raced down her cheeks. “I do—Beau, I know th
at!”

  “No questions. No doubts.” I tried to swallow, but my throat was so damn tight. “If I’m not giving you that, I need you to—”

  “Stop,” she cried and reached up to grip my wrists. “Beau, stop. I’ve never questioned us or the way you felt about me until . . .” She blinked quickly, her stare drifting to the side as she thought. “I don’t know, recently. I told you, it’s like you’re trying to escape me, but at the same time, it’s like you’re afraid to not have me near you. And I’ve been trying—” A sob ripped from deep within her, and she released one of my wrists to press a hand to her chest. “I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what’s going on . . . what changed between us. What I did—”

  “Nothing,” I assured her. “You’ve done nothing.”

  Her head moved in quick shakes as she continued. “And I just kept going around and around, grasping for anything because you wouldn’t talk to me. Then the fight a few days ago . . . when I stopped you, you looked at me in this pleading, shamed way that broke my heart. And everything sorta just clicked.”

  “I—fuck.” I wiped away her tears, but new ones replaced them. “There’s nothing you’ve done,” I said slowly, making sure she heard and understood those words. “I’m dealing with my own shit, and I see it pulling you down with me, so I’ve been doing everything to prevent that. But wanting out? Wanting to be with you because you take it away? Jesus Christ, Savannah.”

  “Then talk to me. Let me be there for you,” she begged. “Don’t push me away.”

  I lowered my forehead to hers. “Never,” I whispered. “Never meant to push you away. Just been trying to protect you.”

  “When have I ever needed protection from you? When have I ever wanted protection from you?”

  Since what I did could destroy us . . .

  But what did it matter when my guilt and worry that Savannah and Hunter would figure it out, or that Madison would end up saying something, was destroying us anyway?

  “I’m sorry.” It was all I could say, and I hated that it wasn’t enough.

  Hated that the truth was trapped on the tip of my tongue, begging to fall.

  But even though part of me raged that I owed Madison nothing, I couldn’t do that to her. Because if the roles were reversed? If she told Hunter without giving me any kind of warning? Recovering from that kind of hit would be nearly impossible. I’d never forgive her for that.

  I brushed my mouth across hers before pressing a soft kiss there. “I love you.”

  “I love you.”

  I leaned back enough to search her stare. “My fucking world.”

  The corners of her lips lifted shakily, her head bouncing before she reached up on her toes to steal another kiss. Then she was pulling away from my hold and moving deeper into my room.

  I watched as she stopped by my dresser and opened the top drawer. Reaching in for the shirt I always left on top for her. The shirt she liked to wear when she was in my bed and in my arms. Her favorite.

  Pretty sure it was mine too.

  I took a step toward her, voice like gravel when I asked, “Staying?”

  She nodded, but the heat and the need that usually sparked between us when she grabbed that shirt was absent. In its place were relief and exhaustion, mixing with the lingering pain and questions. Reminding me of all the things I hadn’t been giving her—everything she needed.

  She needed that physical connection, but she needed me more. To just be there. To hold her. To talk to her.

  Forcing myself back the step I’d just taken, I slanted my head in the direction of the door. “Want me to grab food and drinks so we can hide away?”

  A gentle smile crossed her face and gripped at my chest. “Please.”

  “Then I’ll be back,” I assured her. With one last look at where she stood holding my shirt, I slipped out into the hall and headed for the stairs.

  Roughing a hand over my face as my entire being ached to do those things. To be absolutely everything she needed. To go back to being the person I’d been just months ago—where every action and thought and word had been so fucking effortless when it came to Savannah.

  But even as I knew I would go downstairs and do what I’d told her. Even as I knew I would go back to my room and try to be open with her the way she needed me to be, I was afraid I would shut down again. Unintentionally push her away as fears of her finding out my deepest regrets consumed me again.

  I dragged my hand over my face again as I reached the bottom step and released a shuddering breath.

  I can’t keep living like this.

  As if in answer to my thoughts and torment, I looked up to see Madison moving away from me, toward the kitchen.

  In an instant, I knew what I had to do.

  Just as quickly, the anger and resentment that went hand-in-hand with Madison Black the past two months rose to the surface when I finally noticed her. She wasn’t just walking away. She was fucking bouncing.

  Again, like there wasn’t a goddamn care in her world. Like she wasn’t suffering. Like she wasn’t being crushed under this guilt.

  I let my eyes sweep the area as I headed in that direction, making sure Hunter wasn’t with her or following her. Making sure no one was paying either of us any attention at all. And rushed through the kitchen when I found it empty except for her—bent over one of the large, tin buckets filled with ice and bottles.

  With one last glance behind me, confirming we were still alone for now, I grabbed her arm and took her with me. Never slowing as I continued through the kitchen and down the hall that led to the guest room and bathroom.

  Once I pulled her into the guest room, she ripped away from me. “Ow!”

  I slowly looked over at her. That resentment burning hotter and hotter as I reached for the bedroom door to close it.

  “No, no, no,” she said quickly as she lunged forward, grabbing for the door and narrowing her eyes at me. “Are you insane?” she snapped, voice soft and low. “We can’t be in a closed-off room! What if someone finds us?”

  I raised my brows knowingly as the morning at the lake house swirled through my mind—when Hunter had almost done exactly that. “What if someone finds us?”

  I took the moment of deep pain that flashed across her face, distracting her, to remove her hand and shut the door.

  At the sound of it closing, Madison jolted and reached for the knob, turning it so the door was cracked open.

  Jesus Christ.

  “It’s so much worse if it’s shut,” she said when I slammed it closed, keeping my hand flat on the door and slanting a cold glare at her. Daring her to open it again.

  “It’s bad enough,” I argued as I pushed away and began pacing the room.

  Hands racing through my hair and body trembling as that blur of a night and the next horrific morning swarmed my mind. As Madison’s reaction to what we had done mixed with her indifference the past two months, fueling my dread and anger.

  I can’t keep living like this.

  I knew what I needed to do. What we needed to do.

  Didn’t make saying it out loud, even to Madison, any easier.

  “Beau—”

  “I’m telling Savannah.” The words spilled out of me like poison, bringing my pacing to an abrupt stop.

  I stared at the wall ahead of me as the energy in the room shifted. As fear burst from the girl near me and coated my skin.

  “What? N-no,” she said, voice soft as a breath. “No. You can’t.”

  “The fuck I can’t,” I ground out as I looked back at her, all that resentment burning so damn hot until I was trembling for an entirely different reason. Until that red haze was threatening at the edges of my vision. “That’s my world, my future, and every time I look at her, I know I’m keeping something from her.”

  “Hunter’s my world!” she cried loudly, then hurried to cover her mouth. Her body shook as she stared at me, the shame that had been absent these past months pouring from her when she continued. “He’s my future too. He’s
your brother, and Savannah’s my best friend. We can’t risk our relationships and friendships over an honest mistake.”

  “Exactly,” I said as I turned to fully face her. “It was a mistake, Madison.”

  “One that will still matter to them. One that will absolutely hurt them. It will cause doubt and suspicion and-and-and put wedges between us all. Hunter can’t know.”

  “Will?” Something like a laugh and a huff and pain tore from me as the conversation I’d just had with Savannah played in my mind.

  That haze took over completely in an instant, and I was helpless to stop it. Because Madison was talking about what could happen like none of that shit was touching her world—her relationship. And it wasn’t. Because she was fine. She and Hunter were fine. She could turn this remorseful act off and on, but this was fucking with my life.

  “Those wedges are already there,” I seethed. “It’s already put a goddamn wedge between Savannah and me. My world. I’ve never kept anything from her before this.” I gestured to her with a jerk of my chin. “You’re fine with lying to my brother, that’s more than fucking clear. But I actually love Savannah.”

  The sting of her palm across my cheek came fast and fanned the anger burning in my veins.

  My hands clenched tighter where they were already formed into fists as that wrath raced through my veins. My jaw ached from the pressure I was putting on it. But I fought against every reactive instinct. Tried to see Savannah in my mind. Tried to hear her voice.

  Tried to force that anger to subside enough to think clearly.

  “Fuck you, Beau,” she whispered, voice wavering. “You wanted this silence just as much as I did.”

  Sucking in a deep breath once I was sure I was in control of myself, I said, “Here’s how I see it: One day, I’ll put a ring on her finger. One day, I’ll watch her walk down an aisle toward me. And I don’t want a pit of guilt inside me when I do.” I stepped closer to Madison, lowering my voice to hide the pain there. “I don’t want her finding out in the future, feeling even more betrayed and hurt than she needs to because I kept what we did from her.”

  “She doesn’t have to—”

  “She does,” I said, stopping Madison from putting that idea between us again. After tonight, I knew there was no way to continue without confessing everything to Savannah. “That girl is the answer to my fucked-up soul. She’s my everything. And I’m not gonna risk that because you’re a coward.”