Fire

by McAdams, Molly

  But I hadn’t made it more than a few steps down the hall before he popped up next to me and begged, “Can I see her now?”

  I slowly lowered my mug and swallowed the sip I’d taken before looking down at him. “I’ll see what I can do.” Before he could finish the victory fist-pump, I hurried to add, “No promises.”

  He paused for only a second before continuing, never once looking like I’d said anything less than yes as he took off for his room.

  By the time I made it downstairs, the sounds and smells of Savannah cooking were filling the house.

  All of it so familiar and comforting and finding pieces of what was left of my heart to break.

  That could’ve been the last time I walked down the stairs to that comfort, and it was tearing me up inside. I hated that I hadn’t drawn it out. That I hadn’t committed every part to memory.

  But I was already in the kitchen and struggling not to look at the girl moving like a robot in front of the range when she was usually swaying and dancing.

  I rinsed out my mug and put it in the dishwasher as my stare continued dragging back to her. My heart thumping painfully at the sight of her.

  My world.

  My world.

  My world.

  “Dadda, Dadda,” Levi babbled before screeching impatiently and pulling my attention to where he was sitting in his high chair.

  “Hey, buddy,” I murmured as I went to him, lifting him up and hitching him on my waist. “Wanna go somewhere?”

  He screeched again before falling into a fit of laughter.

  “That sounded like a yes.” I lifted my hand. “High five.” As soon as he smacked it, I grabbed his hand in mine and lifted it to blow a raspberry on his arm, earning another belly laugh.

  Turning with him in my arm, I walked through the kitchen, pulling things out of cabinets and drawers that Savannah would need. Plates and bowls. Glasses and mugs. Silverware and serving utensils. Once everything was out and where she generally set them up, I walked over to her but forced myself to stop before I could get so close that I’d forget I couldn’t pull her against me.

  Couldn’t hold her and kiss her.

  “Do you need anything?”

  Her head shook a few times before she muttered, “No.”

  I studied the rigid way she held herself and the strain on her beautiful face. As if she’d spent so much time crying and was fighting more tears then.

  And all of it was on me.

  “All right,” I said, clearing my throat, “I’m taking the kids.”

  She looked up, her head snapping to the side and eyes going wide. “What—no!” Her head shook quickly. “You can’t. No.”

  I rubbed at my jaw with my free hand as her shock and fear mixed with her refusal and slammed into me.

  Taking the kids on a weekend like then wasn’t uncommon. When there was a house full of guests, I usually took the kids out for a few hours when they started getting restless so they could go crazy without having to worry about disturbing people.

  But her reaction?

  Shit.

  That was personal.

  “I’m taking the kids for the morning,” I said slowly as she continued shaking her head, her expression pleading.

  “Please don’t—”

  “They need to get out.”

  “Don’t take my kids,” she softly begged. “Not right now. Not today. Not with—” Her throat shifted with her forced swallow, her stare darting around.

  “I’m not taking our kids from you,” I said, voice low and coated with ice.

  Her eyelids squeezed tight before opening again, revealing honey eyes glassy with tears. “No, just—God, Beau, not today.”

  “Getting out of the house is something they need right now,” I said firmly. “But this?” I forced out a trembling breath as the reality of the moment hit me like a sledgehammer. “Them leaving with me is something you’ll have to get used to.”

  Her body caved, her mouth parting as she struggled to speak.

  “Something sure smells good,” someone called out.

  Savannah quickly turned back to the range at the voice of one of the guests, hands hovering over the pans for a few seconds like she didn’t know what to do with them before choking out, “Good morning,” just as a couple stepped through the archway. “Breakfast will be done in a little while, but there’s coffee.”

  I dipped my head in a nod when they waved in my direction, and quietly left the kitchen when they started asking Savannah about the fire pit out back. By the time I switched out my keys for Savannah’s, Wyatt and Quinn were racing down the stairs, sounding like a herd of elephants.

  “It’s early,” I said quietly since we were standing in the entryway, a hint of reprimand in my tone.

  Quinn stood up straight, eyes wide, as if just realizing their mistake.

  Wyatt covered his mouth to quiet his laughter.

  I rolled my eyes and fought a smile, knowing it had to be hard on them to keep it down for that long. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “Yeah!” Wyatt yelled, fist-pumping the air.

  Quinn smacked his arm. “Shh!”

  I flicked her shoulder. “Don’t hit your brother.”

  She scoffed, her shoulders sagging dramatically for effect. “But, Daddy, he’s always, always killing me with his lightsaber.”

  “Kill him back.” At the lift of her eyebrow that made her look so much like Savannah, I pointed a finger at her. “With lightsabers. Fake ones. Pretend killing. Only. Ever.”

  She gave an exaggerated eye roll as she walked outside. “Fine.”

  “She’s gotta catch me first,” Wyatt said, all childlike arrogance even though he’d just started outrunning her.

  “Speed isn’t everything,” I muttered as I led them to the SUV.

  “Yeah-huh. I’m so, super-fast, so nothing can catch me.”

  “My brother was so, super-fast, but I was stronger, so I always won,” I told him, leaving out a crucial part of the story.

  That I’d won because I was gone to something I hadn’t learned to control. I’d won because nothing could stop me once my world had gone red. And I’d won at destroying whatever had been in my path.

  “Uncle Saw?” Quinn asked, wiggling like crazy as she climbed into the car and got into her booster, like the idea of being able to best her brother the way I had mine excited her.

  “No.” My gaze fell and my hold on Levi tightened as if I could protect him from the flashes assaulting me.

  Bits and pieces of the blur I could remember from that last fight with him just weeks before.

  Clearing my throat, I looked at where Wyatt was finishing buckling himself into his own booster seat. “Your uncle Hunter,” I finally answered as I began putting Levi into his car seat.

  “I haven’t met my uncle Hunter,” Quinn said thoughtfully.

  I nodded, knowing that all too well.

  My kids had only known Sawyer until about six months before when Cayson had shown back up in town. But even then, they’d only seen Cayson a couple times, and it’d been brief. There’d been too much disconnect between my family before then. We’d shattered too fully for them to have known Hunter and Cayson.

  Just as I was leaning back and grabbing for the door, I paused.

  My stare drifted to where the ranch sat on the North side of town as I was hit with the overwhelming need to be surrounded by the people I’d spent so long avoiding. As the soul-gripping urge to give my kids the family I’d been denying them about dropped me to my knees.

  Looking into the car again, I asked, “You want to?”

  I pushed from my spot at the island and had to stop myself from rushing through the kitchen when I heard the front door open. Forcing my steps to slow, I hurried to look over myself, making sure I didn’t have any miscellaneous ingredients on me and praying my face and hair didn’t look like a wreck.

  “Oh my goodness,” someone called out who most definitely was not my husband. “What is that smell?”


  “I love this house.”

  Emberly and Rae.

  “I’m in here,” I said loud enough for them to hear me, then went back over to the island I’d been stationed at nearly the entire morning.

  Once I’d finished breakfast and dishes, I’d cleaned until everyone had left for their various activities before the wedding.

  The guys were going golfing. The women were heading to some salon out of town.

  And my kids weren’t there, and I didn’t have time to break down and think over everything the way people said I needed to.

  Not when my kids would be back. Not when I still had guests to take care of.

  After beds had been made and towels were replaced, I’d started baking. Because that’s what I did when I was emotional.

  Or stressed.

  Or happy.

  Really, I just baked a lot.

  I had cinnamon rolls in the fridge for the morning and blueberry muffins in the oven, and I’d been going out of my mind watching the clock until that door had opened.

  “What smells so good?” Rae asked when she and her sister, Emberly, stepped into the kitchen.

  “Muffins,” I said, offering a smile when Emberly passed me a coffee from her coffee shop and bar: Brewed. “Thank you.”

  “Considering what’s about to go down, I really would’ve preferred something a little harder. But this one doesn’t drink,” she said, pointing to Rae, “and most importantly . . .” She rubbed at her still-flat belly as Rae echoed, “Yes, most importantly.”

  I pressed my trembling lips together and forced a tight nod. “How far along are y’all?”

  “Ten weeks,” Rae said with a soft smile.

  “Fourteen,” Emberly added as she plopped into a chair at the large table.

  I made some sound of acknowledgment and smiled.

  Tried to.

  “That’s so exciting. I can’t believe those boys are gonna be dads. And, Emberly . . .” I gestured to her. “God, I met you the same day I met those boys. I can’t believe you’re gonna be a mom.”

  She did an excited little dance before sitting back in the chair and grabbing her drink. “I’m mad at this one though,” she said, using the cup to gesture to where Rae had sat.

  Rae just continued smiling.

  “This brat has felt amazing since day one, and I still throw up at random,” Emberly continued.

  “It’s my gift for being abandoned by our mom,” Rae said, all affectionate teasing.

  A sharp laugh burst from Emberly’s chest before her face crumpled and tears started falling down her cheeks.

  “Oh God,” Rae said, hurrying out of her seat and over to the one next to Emberly. “It was a joke.”

  “I know.” Emberly’s head bounced jerkily before shaking fiercely. “But I think about it, like, all the time now. How could she have done that? I don’t—I just don’t get it.” Gesturing to her stomach with both hands, she let out a soft cry and said, “All I’ve seen is a squishy, fuzzy bear and heard a heartbeat, and I can’t imagine ever being able to do what she did. Who leaves their child?”

  “She was trying to save herself and you,” Rae said softly as a tear slipped down her own cheek.

  “Oh, shut up,” Emberly mumbled, her shoulders jerking with her hitched breaths as she grabbed Rae’s hand. “You’re just being nice. I already know you don’t like her.”

  “But I love you.”

  “Love you too.” Emberly wiped at her cheeks with her free hand and focused on me. “Sorry, that’s not why—great, we already made Savannah cry.”

  A startled breath fled from me when I realized she was right. I brushed away the tear that was there, standing and muttering, “Hormones,” when the timer sounded.

  When I finished pulling the muffins out of the oven, the girls were there. Standing directly beside me. Cheeks still wet but looking at me with a mixture of surprise and expectation.

  I jolted back at their unexpected nearness and hurried to put the muffin tin on the counter. “Hi.”

  Emberly’s head tilted, brow lifting slightly. “Yeah, hi. How are you?”

  “Um . . .”

  “How are you feeling?”

  I looked between the two of them, not knowing what to say when my world was falling apart, and they were already well aware—at least, they knew most of it. Not the recent parts.

  “I wouldn’t think that’s something I really need to answer,” I finally said.

  Something like a laugh left Rae. “Maybe not before that little comment of yours.”

  I thought back to what I’d last said, confusion weaving through me. “What comment?”

  “That’s adorable,” Emberly said as a wry grin crossed her face. “You know, this really is going to be a tough conversation. I’ll make you a drink.”

  “You brought me a drink. And I don’t think we need to have whatever conversation you’re expecting,” I added when she started around the island, heading right for where we kept the liquor.

  She lifted a shoulder but didn’t stop, grabbing a barstool on the way to stand on. “I brought you coffee. Would you like it with a kick?”

  “No thanks.”

  “Mimosa?” she asked, then looked to Rae. “It’s still early enough for mimosas, right?”

  “Why not?” Rae said with a mischievous grin as she leaned on the counter, searching my face like she was trying to read me.

  “I’m really fine, and I—” I pressed a hand to my chest before gesturing to them. “I love y’all, I really do. But this isn’t a great time.”

  “The kids and Beau aren’t here,” Emberly said as she grabbed my vodka.

  “Emberly, I’m really fine,” I repeated firmly.

  “Oh, you meant it’s not a good time for liquor.” Her head slanted. “When will be? Nine months?”

  Shock stole across the kitchen, silencing everything for long moments.

  After a while, Emberly put the vodka back and gently explained, “You said ‘hormones.’”

  “When you realized you were crying,” Rae added when I continued standing there.

  “What if I’m PMS-ing?” I asked, voice and body trembling.

  “I think you would’ve taken that drink,” Emberly said confidently as she climbed off the barstool.

  Rae touched my arm and waited for my attention to shift back to her. “Are you just PMS-ing?”

  She and the rest of the kitchen went blurry before I shook my head, my chest lurching as I fought the urge to cry over something that should be celebrated.

  “Someone needs to tell these Dixon boys to wrap it up,” Emberly said, forcing a stunned laugh from me as she and Rae pulled me into a hug. When they released me, she asked, “Does he know?”

  I let out a swift breath and looked away. “No, I, uh . . .” I shrugged and moved past them, heading for the table. “I haven’t figured out a way to tell him yet.”

  “How long have you known?” Rae asked when she took her earlier seat.

  “A week,” I admitted, shame coating the word. When I looked at the two, there was no judgment in their eyes, and I was so thankful for it. “We’d been trying before everything happened. The kids—Quinn and Wyatt are so close in age, and we wanted that for Levi too.” A sad laugh tumbled past my lips. “We found out we were pregnant with Wyatt when Quinn was nine months too.”

  “You know you have to tell him,” Emberly said after we’d sat in weighted silence for a while. “Even if you . . .” A crease formed between her eyebrows, sadness swirling in her eyes. “Even if you go through with this.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She briefly glanced at Rae before looking at the table, the tips of her fingers swirling around the lid of her coffee for a moment before she met my stare again. “Beau asked to buy our old condo.”

  Her words felt like a crushing blow to the already fragile remains of my marriage.

  I’d heard Beau when he’d said he was going to start moving out, and it had terrified me. Paralyzed me.


  His moving out was something we couldn’t come back from, I was sure of it. Just as I knew I would need to prevent it. But I hadn’t expected him to already be going through a process as permanent as buying somewhere to live.

  “Cayson went to tell him no, but when he came back . . .” She lifted her hand from the cup as if there was nothing she could do. “He said you’d given your wedding ring to Beau and told him he’d lost you.”

  My head shook roughly even as I said, “I mean, I did, but I—” I dropped my head into one of my hands as I struggled over this week with Beau and everything that had happened.

  The hostility.

  The coldness.

  All of it from me because I couldn’t seem to give him anything else even though my soul cried out for him.

  “That isn’t all,” Rae said, voice soft and foreboding. “Beau showed up with the kids for Saturday breakfast at the ranch this morning.”

  Surprise swirled through me but was overshadowed by the dread weighing me down.

  “And, um . . .” Her brows lifted and she looked to Emberly for help.

  She hesitated for a minute before taking over. “The kids were very excited to see Avalee,” she began. “But then Quinn announced, ‘Guess what! I think my mommy and daddy are getting divorces just like your mommy and daddy.’” Emberly’s stare darted over my face when the air rushed from my body. “Beau just stood there for a second before walking into the other room. He never said anything about it.”

  “I—” My chest pitched wildly as I struggled to take a breath. “Oh my God.” I felt dizzy.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  “I can’t breathe,” I managed to say, pushing from the chair because I needed to move.

  I needed air.

  “Savannah,” they called out behind me, one of them rushing up and grabbing my arm when I stumbled, but I’d already caught myself on one of the counters.

  I pulled away, body shaking until everything bottled up inside of me exploded.

  “I don’t want a divorce,” I yelled, turning on them. “I don’t want him to leave. I want him here, but I’m so—” I choked over a sob, my head shaking as tears flowed free. “I’m so fucking mad at him for so many things, and I can’t—God.”