by Avery Aster
As we file into the living room and are miked, I sense an eerie calmness, almost a sadness, amongst the production crew.
“Is it just me or are they not making eye contact with us?” Neve asks, clearly feeling the same way as me.
“Yes. What does that mean?”
“Fuck! It means we’re going home sooner than we thought.”
“But how? Why?”
Poppy enters the room, instructing us to take our seats.
Waris and Tarla are seated across from us. Together we form a semicircle.
“Today, I’d like to talk to you both about your feelings for one another. Neve, let’s start with you. Tell me, how do you feel about Sheldon?” Poppy writes a few lines on a clipboard.
She smiles. Her makeup and hair are back on, as are the nails and the eyelashes. “I love him. He’s my husband.”
“Go deeper. Be more specific.”
“His sobriety inspires me. The way he parents his son is something that I would like to emulate one day as a mom. He’s also amazing in bed.”
“Very good, Neve.” Poppy turns to Tarla, who’s rubbing her belly for dramatic effect. “Your turn.”
“I love Waris because he’ll be a good provider for our child.”
“How do you know that?” asks Poppy.
“Umm, he’s rich.”
“Let’s put money aside. What else do you like about your husband? How does he make you feel as a woman when you’re around him?”
“Does he make you feel like a woman?” Neve chimes in.
Tarla flips her hair back over her shoulders. “Of course he does. Look at me pregnant.”
“Did you two conceive the baby naturally?” Poppy asks.
I gasp and so do the cameraman.
Neve inches herself onto the edge of her seat.
“What kind of question is that?” Waris is frustrated.
“It came to Judd’s attention, before we fired him for sleeping with one of the cast members, that your marriage is a sham.”
Waris’s mouth flies open dramatically and then closes without any reply.
“Says who?” Tarla folds her arms over her belly.
“From the doctor who did the in vitro on you. He told us that you’re nothing but a surrogate for the baby. Is that correct?”
Lights brighter, the cameramen come a few feet closer.
“We’re married, Poppy. Ain’t nothing the doctor can say about that.” With more sass than ever, Tarla snaps her fingers in a Z formation.
“After the baby’s born, will you two be staying married?”
“Uhhh, duh,” Tarla replies sarcastically.
Waris, on the other hand, looks defeated, like the gig is up. The color drains from his rosy complexion. His forehead beads with sweat.
“Okay. Fair enough.” Poppy flashes the room her signature white smile.
“Sheldon, you’re the only cast member we have on the show who isn’t a celebrity. Tell us, why did you marry Neve?”
The cameras switch focus from Tarla to me.
I sit there glaring at the host for a minute, trying to think if I should answer the question honestly or give a bullshit reply.
“You married her for the money, didn’t you?” Tarla pipes up.
I don’t say anything. I don’t even look at her. I keep my eyes on Poppy, who says, “An audio tape has come forward from Carlos, the driver who brought you here.”
“Fuck,” Neve whispers. “We’re so busted.”
“You know what the tape says, don’t you?” Poppy turns to Neve, whose eyes suddenly glitter with tears.
“Can we stop recording for a second?” Neve asks.
“No, we can’t,” Poppy replies, motioning for the cameras to come even closer. “Both of you know that each couple will be paid one million dollars for finishing the show. I’m here to tell you that each of you have won Celebrity Newlywed Boot Camp. However, the goal of this program was that we’d be casting a spin-off show, giving the final winner their very own program. That show will pay ten million dollars to the couple to shoot with us for five weeks.”
“A million a week for each of us?” Tarla’s face lights up.
“Yes, but it’s not going to come easy. Last week we had originally scheduled your ghosts from the past. Due to some timing issues, we weren’t able to assemble everyone until tonight.”
Damn.
“I’d like to tear the lid off your married charades and call all of you out at your own game.”
“What do you mean?” Neve asks, playing dumber than usual.
“Down the hall there are four rooms. Each room has a camera crew inside. Each of you has a ghost from your past. The husbands will escort the wives first into their rooms, and then the wives in return will escort the husbands into theirs. You will face your demons together.” Poppy’s face radiates a smug veil of confidence as if she’d known all along we were playing her. But it appears in the end, we’ll be the ones getting played.
“Who is in these rooms?”
“That’s a wonderful question. Would you like me to tell you and ruin the surprise? Or would you like to go into the rooms and find out for yourselves.” Poppy laughs deeply as if she’s been holding it in for quiet some time.
“Miss White, with all due respect, I think in order to prepare ourselves properly we need to know exactly who’s behind those doors. Don’t you?” Tarla asks, then wipes the perspiration off her forehead.
“Makes no difference. Whoever is the most honest will be awarded with their own show.”
“Well, how you can you tell if we’re lying or not?” Neve asks, crossing her arms.
“Easy. You’ll each be hooked up to a lie detector machine.”
“Damn,” Waris moans.
“Before we proceed, do any of you want to quit now?”
“No. I’m in,” I say. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”
“Me too!” Neve holds my hand.
“Same here.” Tarla tries to cross her legs, but can’t.
“We’re gonna look stupid, Tarla. Really, gurl?” Waris pleads with her to quit.
She isn’t having any of it. “We’re in.”
“Excellent. Remember, to get your own show as a couple you must answer the questions truthfully. Now I will preface, especially in the case of Tarla and Waris, that if, at the end of the night, your marriage changes—let’s say you have another lover or something—we’ll still offer you the show.”
“Now we’re talkin’!” Tarla claps.
“Tarla, you’ll go to room number one. Your ghost from the past is waiting for you. Afterwards, Waris will be put to the test in room number two. Have fun!” Poppy smiles at them and then turns to us.
The cameras record Waris and Tarla getting up from their seats and making their way into the room.
“Who are their ghosts?” Neve asks in a shushed tone.
“Well, for Tarla, we have the doctor who inseminated her. And for Waris, we have his boyfriend.” Poppy beams with joy knowing full well that those two are toast.
“Dang! You guys don’t miss a beat, do you?”
“No, we don’t. Neve, Sheldon, why don’t you both make your way to door number three.”
What’s Behind Door No. 3
Neve
I open door number three. There’s a man in a suit sitting next to a table with a box and bunch of wires hooked up to a printer. He introduces himself as the lie detector expert, shows me how the test is going to work, and places the little sticky pads on my fingers before strapping two bands across my chest.
There’s a black privacy curtain dividing the table. I’m facing the fabric in fear, thinking it has to be one of the many women I’ve done wrong over the years on reality TV: Kim, Chloe, Nene, Bethenny, Lisa.
I’m ready.
“Miss Adele, you’ll be asked a series of questions by me, which were created by the person or persons who sit on the other side of the curtain. Are you ready?”
As he removes the fabric between us, I
close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Sheldon’s hand comes up from behind me, assuring me, “I’m here for you. You can do this Wonder Woman. Stay strong.”
I open my eyes and see my birth mother, Vicky, sitting alongside my foster mom, Calista.
“Hello, mothers.” I say, my eyes stinging with tears. I reach for the glass of water in front of me and try to stay calm.
“The questions will succeed each other based on your truths. If you’re lying, we will stop and examine that question. Understand?
I nod.
“First question. We’ll start with some easy ones. Is your name Neve Adele?”
“Yes.”
He checks the machine and smiles, signaling I’m telling the truth, and continues, “Are you married to Sheldon Truman?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love him?”
I pause for a minute before saying, “Yes.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Yes.”
“Are you mad at your mother for selling her story on your marriage to the press?”
“No. I’m not,” I say coldly.
“Neve, in order for this to work, you’re going to have to be honest. From the looks of the machine, you just lied. Would you like me to go on to the next question or repeat?”
“Next question.”
“Neve, do you want to have Vicky in your life?”
“Yes, if she remains sober. No, if she drinks.”
There’s a moment of silence before the guy says, “Neve is telling the truth. Let’s move on.”
“Did you marry Sheldon just to be on the show?”
“Yes.”
“Will you be getting divorced after Christmas?”
“I don’t know. That’s really not up to me.”
“Let me rephrase the question. Do you want to stay married to Sheldon after the show?”
“Yes.”
“Are you willing to be a stepmother to his son?”
“Yes.”
“TV shows aside, will a life with Sheldon truly make you happy?”
“Yes.”
“If Sheldon asks you to give up fame for the sake of your marriage, would you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Will you allow Vicky and Calista to be a part of your new family’s life?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love Calista more than you do Vicky?”
“I’m not answering that question.”
“Fair enough. Do you respect Vicky?”
“No. Sometimes. It’s not easy.”
“Do you respect Calista?”
“Absolutely.”
“In time, do you think you could learn to respect Vicky?”
“I hope so.”
“Okay, I think we’re done here. Ladies, are you happy with the answers to your questions?”
Unable to speak, Vicky nods almost frantically before saying, “I’m sorry I did that interview on Sheldon. I had no right. I didn’t get your voice mail until days later and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I do. But know that I will never give you a penny of my money, ever. So if you’re looking for a cash out, you’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“I love you,” Calista says as she hugs tightly. “I’m so happy you have Sheldon.”
I smile up at him, realizing how I answered those questions about him truthfully, and say, “I’m surprised he didn’t say I was lying.”
Sheldon laughs. “Because you weren’t. Were you, Wonder Woman?”
“No. I told the truth.” I tilt my chin upward for him to kiss me. His lips slowly descend upon mine.
A crewmember enters the room and asks, “Are you ready for door number four, Sheldon?”
A Ghost’s Forgiveness
Sheldon
Just like Neve I’m hooked up to a similar machine, a sheet of fabric before me. My wife sits behind me.
“Mr. Truman, are you ready to see who’s behind the curtain?”
I’m expecting Ruby Crunwell, or maybe Warner, so I reply, “Yup.”
Leaning forward in my seat, I’m surprised to see Poppy.
“Do you know why I’m in this chair?” Her voice breaks with a huskiness.
“You want to know if I really love Neve or not?”
“That, and I’m here for my half-sister… Bonnye Clark White.”
Neve gasps as I freeze. For a moment nothing is said. We sit in silence and I try to process what’s to come next.
“What? You and Bonnye are related?” My eyes widen.
She smiles sympathetically at me. “I was living overseas working in Japan for a news station when she died and wasn’t able to get home to the funeral in time. That’s why we’ve never met.” Her eyes glitter with tears.
“I don’t understand. Did you know all along?” A slight chill comes over me as I clear my throat.
“I did. Taddy worked with me to put you on the show. It was my way of getting to know you better without really having to put myself out there. Passive-aggressive, I know, but it got us here.”
“What do you want from me?” I lick my lips nervously.
“To forgive yourself. My family does too. Bonnye’s passing wasn’t your fault.”
We talk about the accident and the events that led up to her death for a few minutes before the man operating the machine says, “Let’s get started.”
“Sheldon, in the two weeks that we’ve been filming, did you at any time consume alcohol?”
“No.”
“Have you made peace with Bonnye’s passing?”
“Yes. I have now. Thanks to Poppy.”
“Are you in love with Neve?”
“Very much so.”
“Do you think Neve is just as beautiful and amazing on the inside as she is on the out?”
“Definitely.”
“Will you make Neve your number one priority in your life?”
“No. Liam is my number one. She’ll be my other number one.” I laugh, feeling confident that’s not only the right answer but also the truth.
“Will you not only be Neve’s husband but her best friend?”
“Yes!” I’ve always imagined the woman that I’m with would in many ways be my dearest friend.
“With the understanding that Neve is a sensitive creature, unlike any other, do you take into consideration that your words will affect her deeply?”
“Yes, I do.” I have so much respect for her.
“Knowing that little things are big things to most women, will you promise to romance her, even after twenty years of marriage?”
“Absolutely.” The thought of sharing the rest of my life with this woman makes my smile.
“Even when you’re upset and not getting along, will you still take the time to tell her she’s beautiful?”
“I promise.”
“Do you understand the difference between hearing and listening in a relationship? And if so, are you truly able to listen to your wife’s needs?”
“I am.” There’s one thing I’ve learned from Liam is that is to listen to him very carefully. Often what he says isn’t exactly what I hear, but it’s how I listen to him that helps me parent him best.
“Are you proud of Neve for all of her accomplishments?”
“Very much so. She’s my Wonder Woman.”
“Do you intend on getting a divorce from Neve after the show is finished taping?”
“No.” I don’t want us to break up.
“Do you want to continue to develop a relationship with Neve, even if that means it’ll be off camera without any monies paid to you?”
“Yes. I’d actually prefer that.” I’m nervous to see if she’ll feel the same way. I can’t imagine Neve living her life off camera.
The guy removes my fingers from the device and unfastens the belts over my chest. Neve pushes her chair closer to the table. Poppy pulls out two pieces of paper.
“Congratulations. I’d like to offer you bo
th your very own show for next season. We’ll start filming just after New Year’s. Here are your contracts. I trust you’ll have your attorney review them, Neve, and get back to me.”
A feeling of nausea overcomes me. I don’t want to do another reality show.
“Can Neve and I be alone to talk for a few minutes?”
“Yes, of course. But the cameraman stays.”
I roll my eyes as she leaves and wince at what I’m going to say next.
Turning to catch Neve’s face, she’s beaming. “Is this wonderful news?” She hugs me and kisses my face all over. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“Neve, I can’t do the show.” I feel a pained expression wash over my face.
“What? Why not?”
“Because I have a son to raise. I don’t want him on camera like this.”
“I’m sure we can shoot around Liam.”
“He’s a part of my life. What are we going to do, ship him off to Lex Easton’s house for six weeks? No.”
“But I thought you….”
“I do love you. I never thought I would fall in love with you during this process, but I have. I’d like for nothing more than for us to really give this marriage a try, but it’s going to have to be in the real world. Not on TV.” My hands fall to my sides.
“Sheldon, TV is who I am. Reality programming is a part of me. If you can’t accept that then you can’t accept me.” Her eyes narrow as her walls goes back up.
“I’m offering you a chance for normalcy. Something you didn’t have as a child. You have enough money and, to be honest, I don’t think you could get any more famous.”
“Well… I’m offering you a chance for fame and fortune. Something few in the world get to truly experience. Why don’t you wait until this show that we just filmed airs, see how it changes your life for the better. People will recognize you on the street. You’ll be invited to things. People will think you’re important.”
“The only person I want to mean something to is you, Wonder Woman.”
She puts her arms around me. “Please, Shel, let’s ride this fame wave together. It won’t last forever. We have to enjoy it while we can.”
The pain of what I’m about to do swells up inside me like a volcano ready to erupt. I grab her hands gently and let them fall to her side. I lean in and kiss her like never before, hard and wet, fast and hard. I kiss her until all the oxygen leaves my lungs. With my eyes closed, I mutter, “I can’t.”
