by Jessica Ames
I shouldn’t do anything; we’re still getting to know each other, but I can’t help it. My hands go to his biceps, holding him or holding me steady—I’m not sure which. I can feel the hard planes of his body against my softer ones and although I know I shouldn’t, I lean into him further, my forehead touching his.
“What else do you know?”
“I know that I have a better view in front of me right now.”
“There you go, being all smooth again.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I roll to my toes and press a kiss to his cheek. It’s chaste and probably not the kind of kiss a new couple should experience but we’re not there yet really. In the grand scheme of things, we’re practically strangers.
He grins down at me and takes my hand. Together, we start the walk across the bridge.
“So, these trolls… what are their names?”
29
Callum
We end up having lunch in a small cafe in the Borough Market area after stopping by The Shard—at least that is where Sadie tells me we are. Truthfully, I’m so completely turned around and overwhelmed by the sheer busyness and size of London that I can hardly take everything in. It’s a real assault on the senses. I don’t really do big cities and towns; the fish market is right on the port and I tend to avoid civilisation if I can help it so my brain is overloaded with everything at the moment.
Even so, I can appreciate the sheer size of it. It’s an amazing place. There is so much history, so much diversity, so much to see. I understand why the tourists flock here because every corner brings a new adventure, but I don’t know that I could deal with this day in, day out. It’s a lot of people and not a lot of quiet. I’m used to the stillness of the island and if I’m being honest, I’m finding it headache inducing.
I keep tight hold of her hand as we walk, trying not to let it show how much the bustle of the city is affecting me. Instead, I focus on Sadie. I love how she feels against me. She’s all softness and curves and I love it. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m pretty much besotted with her, even after this short amount of time. I think she’s in danger of becoming my new obsession, and I hope I will become hers. She seems to be having a blast, and that is all I care about. She laughs as we talk, brushing her blonde hair from her face without releasing her hold on me. I feel fifteen rather than thirty-six and there’s something refreshing about the unabandoned candour we’re both giving each other. I guess meeting like this means there isn’t as much pressure, as daft as that sounds. If it doesn’t work out there are miles and an ocean between us. I think that thought is allowing us both to let go and be ourselves. It’s liberating.
With Sadie, I don’t have to be the widowed, grieving husband. I can be me. The real me. I can laugh, and I can open myself up. It’s intoxicating, that feeling of freedom and I don’t want it to end. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun.
After eating, she takes us down into one of the Tube stations and we head over to Westminster and St James’s. I have to admit, I like the regularity of the transport here. A train every minute of the day definitely trumps a ferry.
She shows me the Houses of Parliament, something I’ve only ever seen in pictures or on the television. I make her stop for a moment so I can snap some silly pictures of us with Big Ben in the background.
Then we head up The Mall to Buckingham Palace. We’re standing outside the Palace gates, laughing while trying to take a photo of us both with the building in the background when a woman interrupts our antics.
“You want me to take the photograph for you?” she asks. Her accent isn’t local but she is a Brit—although I can’t place where. Immediately, I hand over my phone, earning a little groan from Sadie. She had talked to me about keeping an eye out for pickpockets and opportunistic thieves who prey on tourists. I kind of forgot about that. I probably shouldn’t have handed over my phone, but this lady is half a foot shorter than me and looks like she couldn’t run even if being chased. I relax and I move to Sadie’s side. Without thinking, I tuck her against my side for the photograph, my arm going around her shoulders. I’m happy that she doesn’t pull away. In fact, she leans into me.
“Oh, you two are just adorable together,” the lady says. “You been together long?”
Sadie’s mouth works as her brain tries to come up with a story as to how we met, rather than telling her we barely know each other. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of the fact we met online; lots of couples do, but clearly she is a little. So while she’s floundering, I say, “About two years.” I have no idea why I say this, other than feeling the need to protect her. To solidify my point, I plant a kiss on the side of her head.
And I know instantly I’ve fucked up. Royally. She stiffens in my hold and I mean she goes ramrod solid. I keep my smile in place, but inside my heart is thrumming. Shit, I shouldn’t have said any of that. What the fuck possessed me. Trying to paper over the tension, I give her a beaming smile as she glances up at me in consternation.
“Two years?” the lady taking our photograph caws. I’d forgotten about her, and the fact she has hold of my phone. Probably not smart to forget these things but all my focus is now on Sadie and the tension she has rolling off her. “Well, isn’t that wonderful? Congratulations.” She lifts my phone and snaps a few shots. When she’s done, she lowers it and grins at us. “You two really are adorable.”
I give Sadie’s hip a squeeze, hoping to diffuse this tension but she remains stiff in my arms. “Yeah, she’s the cutest, isn’t she?”
“Well, I hope you guys have a long and happy life together,” she says, handing my phone back to me.
I force a smile. “I’m sure we will. Have a great day.”
“You too.”
She rejoins her group of friends, and as soon as she’s out of earshot Sadie spins to me. “Two years? What the hell was that?”
Oh, yeah. I read that totally right. It’s nice to know that even though it has been six years since I was last with a woman, I can still read them. Although I kind of wish I’d read that whole situation better before I pissed Sadie off.
“Did you want to explain we were matched by a computer algorithm and that we’ve known each other less than a month?” I try to play it cool, hoping she’ll see there was no ill intent there. Honestly, I’m not even sure why she’s so pissed off in the first place. It’s not like we’ll ever have to see that woman again.
“You didn’t have to lie.” When I frown at her, she adds, “It was lies and half-truths that ruined my last relationship and I know it’s stupid to be upset about this because it’s not even the same thing but I can’t deal with liars—even if they’re small lies.”
Shit. I really did fuck up here. “Sadie, I didn’t—”
I cut myself off, halting my words. I don’t want to do this in the earshot of a hundred smartphones. The last thing I want is for this to end up on the internet.
I pull her out of the way of the crowds and manage to find a slightly more private spot away from where the tourists are gathering. My heart is pounding as my brain tries and fails to think of a way to fix this.
Once we’re away from the crowds, my hands cup her shoulders and I dip my head ever so slightly to meet her eyes.
“Sadie?” She doesn’t look at me and that worries me. Have I fucked this up already?
Then she speaks. “My last relationship was filled with lies, Callum. I can’t—I can’t do that again. I know it’s stupid, that it was only a small white lie but I just can’t.”
“I’m sorry,” I say immediately and genuinely. I really am fucking sorry. “We don’t know each other well enough yet, I suppose, but in case you hadn’t guessed, I can be a little bit of a thoughtless idiot sometimes. I didn’t mean to upset you. That is not my intention.”
She hesitantly meets my gaze and I feel the tension seep a little from my shoulders. “I’m just… I’m not good with lying.”
“Then that’s the last lie that will ever pass my lips.
” I sigh and my fingers ghost up and down her biceps “This is all new for me too. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with a woman. I guess I’m out of practice. I’m sorry.”
She lets out a long breath.
“You don’t have to be sorry. We’re both finding our feet here. I overreacted.”
“No, you didn’t. It was something that upsets you and I want you to always share when things make you feel that way. But I also want you to know I didn’t mean anything by it. I could just see you getting a little flustered when she asked how long we’ve been together and your reaction suggested you didn’t really want to explain our history to her.”
I can tell she’s starting to feel more than a little embarrassed for her reaction, which I don’t want either.
“Cal…”
“Don’t apologise. It’s fine. I should have thought about how it would make you feel, given your past.”
She shakes herself. “The past is just that—past. I can’t keep worrying about before. I’m sorry.” She doesn’t let me speak again. She just grabs my hand and says, “Come on, we’ve still got St James’s Park to walk around.”
We finish up our tour and I’m reluctant as fuck to go home but the time for me to catch my train is fast approaching. The Tube ride back to Euston leaves me—and I think her as well—feeling heavy hearted. I don’t want to leave her, but I have to. Her life is here, and mine is on the island. For now at least. If things keep going well for us… well, there will come a time when decisions will need to be made. I can’t do this long distance shit forever, especially not if we’re getting serious.
We sit together in the Tube carriage, our hands intertwined. I hate leaving and from her quiet introspectiveness, I think perhaps she feels the same too.
When we arrive at Euston, rather than heading for the overground train platforms, I lead her to a quiet spot in the station and pull her off to one side. It’s not as private as I would like, but we’re not really set up for that at the moment. If we were, I would kiss her breathless, but I’m not sure what her boundaries are with public displays of affection, and I don’t want to piss her off. So, I try to keep my hands to myself and behave.
“I’ve had a great day today.”
“Me too,” I admit, and that’s not a lie; I really did.
Her eyes go up to the sky and she winces. “I don’t want you to leave.”
I don’t want to go either, but I also don’t know that either of us are ready for me to stay yet. I’m not usually known for my patience but I don’t want to push her into something she’s not ready for. Not only that, I have to be on the boat in the morning and she has work. Staying isn’t an option, which actually is a good thing because it takes the pressure off both of us as to whether it is the right time, but I feel some measure of relief that she wants me to be with her. Then she surprises the heck out of me. She leans into me and her lips brush across mine.
I don’t expect it so for a moment I don’t move. And then muscle memory takes over and my body reacts of its own volition, remembering what it needs to do. She starts it tentatively, chaste even, but when I run my tongue over the seam of her lips she opens, granting me access to her mouth. I don’t waste any time; I push my tongue in and find hers. Clearly, public affection is absolutely fine with Sadie because her fingers fist into my shirt before they go wandering under it to skim over my abdomen. I don’t expect her to be quite so full on, but we’re relatively hidden from view by my back and by the wall behind hers.
I don’t explore her quite so thoroughly as she does me, but I want to. I want to put my hands under her top and play with her tits. I can’t do that here so instead I content myself with letting my fingers go to the hair at the side of her head as I pull her face closer to mine.
I should care that we’re having our first kiss in the train station, in the view of hundreds of commuters and travellers, but I don’t. Everything slips away apart from her and me.
It is one of the most sensual and consuming kisses of my life and I don’t want it to end. I continue to thread my fingers through her hair as I pull her closer and my mouth devours hers. I’ve never had a kiss like this before—not with Mara, not with any woman—and it is overwhelming all my senses.
My dick is starting to wake up and I mentally communicate to it that now is not the time to pay attention. The last thing I need to be is rock solid in my jeans with no clue how the fuck I’m going to walk to the platform. Thankfully, I manage to keep Callum Junior under control. Just about.
And believe me it’s a feat and a half because she’s warm and willing and my dick doesn’t care that we’re in public. It only cares about the other stuff. If we were anywhere else I would have stripped her out of her clothes by now and had my mouth against her pussy. Doing that in the train station might lead to us getting arrested, so I curb my needs and I pull back before this gets out of control. I also feel slightly triumphant that it has the potential to get out of control.
She keeps her head lowered as her fingers go to her lips which look puffy and swollen. I love it. Little adorable pants escape her mouth as she tries to catch her breath and her face is flushed in a way that makes my pride swell.
Her kiss leaves me wanting more, needing more, and pissed off as all hell that we can’t have that. She leaves the taste of her on my tongue—a hint of what she ate for lunch and another taste that is wholly her. It’s intoxicating and I’m positive that kissing Sadie will fast become one of my favourite things to do.
“That was fun,” I tell her, and her tongue darts out over her lips. Is she… trying to capture the remaining taste of me on her lips? I have no idea if that’s what she is doing but the thought it could be makes my dick stir. Fuck.
“More than fun,” she murmurs as her eyes finally come to mine. And I see the hot need in her gaze as well. “I think we should definitely do it again, don’t you?”
I don’t need to be told twice. I go in again for a second kiss—this one just as warm, wet and needy as the first. Her body presses against me and the friction of her pelvis against mine nearly wrenches a moan from me. I’m about three seconds from pulling my jeans down and fucking her right here so I tear myself away, pulling back reluctantly.
“We keep this up, I’m going to lose the thin measure of control I have left.”
She surprises me by saying, “Me too.”
I figured she was into it; no one kisses back like that if they’re not, but I didn’t think her brain was going in the same direction as mine. I press my forehead to hers and close my eyes for a moment.
“I loved every moment of today.”
“Me too,” she agrees. “I wish you could stay.”
I wish this too. “Perhaps next time, if you’re ready for that step.”
I know I sure as hell am. She hesitates briefly which makes me think she may not be as ready as she thinks, but she will be. And I’ll wait for her to be ready.
“We can arrange something, I’m sure,” is her rather noncommittal answer, which confirms what I thought.
“Whenever you’re ready. There’s no pressure—or rush for that matter.”
I see the surprise flash in her eyes before it disappears. “Okay.”
“I’ll call you when I get home.”
“Yes, please do.”
“Bye then.” Despite my words I don’t move to step away from her, although I know I should. Instead, I just stare at her, memorising her face until the next time I’ll get to see her. Then I press a kiss to her forehead and I finally step back.
“See you, beautiful girl.
Those words make colour rise in her face again and I see the hint of pleasure it brings, despite her trying to hide the fact it does. And in that moment, I hate her ex. No doubt he’s the reason she hides her feelings from the world, from me.
“Bye, Callum.”
With stomach-churning, gut-wrenching difficulty, I turn on my heel and I walk away from her. It is the single most challenging thing I’ve ever had to do and I
hate that I have to do it.
I make it all the way to the entrance that leads to the train platform before I turn back. She’s standing in the same place I left her, her fingers still trailing over her lips as she watches me go. A smile graces her face before she raises her hand and wiggles her fingers at me. I hate saying goodbye. It’s the worst feeling and it’s a confusing feeling, given how short a time we’ve known each other.
I mirror her gesture and then I turn my back and start down the ramp towards the platform and my train, which is filling up fast with people heading home.
30
Sadie
Four weeks of back and forth video calling ensues. I talk to Callum every day for hours—whether that’s via text message, video call, email: we communicate in every which way we can.
His days are made a little more difficult by his work, so there are huge parts of the day where he can’t speak to me because he’s on the boat and needs to concentrate, but as soon as he’s done we’re back and forth for hours.
I’m surprised by how much I miss him. I never expected that, but I do. I want to see him again, but his schedule is crazy as the fishing season hits its height and I’m getting to a crunch point with the gala arrangements. As soon as we both have a free day next, we’re meeting up; I need to see him again.
It’s amazing how fast I’ve fallen for him, although it’s also a little terrifying. I’m not going to lie; I am scared about opening my heart again to someone else—especially after Richard, but I need to take Callum on his own merits and not tar him with the same brush as Richard, who, I’m most assuredly certain, is a total prick. Thinking back to our relationship, I can see just how much of a prick he was. And that is because of Callum.
Okay, he could be putting on a lot and acting on his best behaviour because this is new, but I kind of get the impression that what you see is what you get with him.
