Sleep No More

by Iris Johansen

  “I was only asking questions.” Now that she was closer, she could see that Sandra’s face was tear-streaked, her stockings torn at the knees, and one heel had broken off her shoe. “Are you hurt? You don’t look so good.”

  “I’m fine.” She was shivering. “A little cool. How do you expect me to be? I’m a city woman. I don’t like the outdoors. I don’t know why you’d move out here anyway.”

  “We like it. It was Joe’s house before we started living together. But it’s our home now. You should come out more often. You might get to like it.”

  She shook her head. “There’s nothing for me here.”

  “You never can tell.” Five minutes later, they had reached the porch stairs, and Eve was gently helping her climb them. “You weren’t sure you’d like to help me take care of Bonnie after she was born, but it worked out fine.”

  “And what did it get me? I got to love her, then she died. It’s better not to get too close. You always get hurt.”

  “Sometimes.” They had reached the front door, and Eve helped her into the house and over to the couch. “Sit down here. I’ll go get some water and salve. Can you manage to get those hose off?”

  “Yes. I’m not helpless, Eve.”

  No, but Sandra looked weak and shaken, and her eyes were glittering with unshed tears. “I know you’re not,” Eve said quietly. “But you took a fall, and if I can help you, I want to do it. You’d do the same for me. I’ll be right back.”

  When she came back carrying the basin of water, Sandra was leaning back against the couch, her eyes closed. “I have to talk to Joe,” she whispered. “When is he coming?”

  “It will be a little while. But you need some time to pull yourself together.” She began to gently bathe Sandra’s scraped knees. “You’re a bit tousled. You looked so pretty when you got here. You don’t want Joe to see you when you’re not at your best, do you?”

  “I did look nice, didn’t I? This is a new sweater.” She opened her eyes. “I looked in the mirror this morning, and I thought that I didn’t look too much older than I did when I gave birth to you, Eve. Was I lying to myself?”

  “Everyone says that you look much younger than you are.”

  “That’s important. A woman like me has to look nice. Sometimes it’s all you have.”

  “Nonsense. It’s important that you look good if it pleases you. But it doesn’t weigh in very heavily in the scheme of things. It’s what you are inside that matters.” She was wiping Sandra’s face with the damp cloth. “You were crying. The fall must have hurt you.”

  “I was crying before I fell.” She smiled shakily. “This reminds me of the time when you cleaned me up after that terrible man beat me up in that hotel room. You were only sixteen. Do you remember?”

  “Yes, I didn’t think you did. That was a long time ago.”

  “It just came back to me … You were always there when I needed you. Sometimes you didn’t want to be, but if I called, you’d come.” A ripple of pain crossed her face. “It should have been the other way, shouldn’t it? But I was never good at being a mother. I only had you because I felt angry and cheated. I wanted to get back at them.”

  Eve stiffened. “Cheated?”

  “You’re getting angry with me. I knew you would. That’s why I have to talk to Joe.” She reached out and grabbed Eve’s hand. “It’s not my fault. None of it is my fault, Eve. Don’t be angry with me.”

  “Calm down.” Sandra’s grip was nearly bruising, and her face was pale. “I’m not angry. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of this. You said you were crying before you fell. Why, Sandra?”

  “I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what to do. I knew you’d make me tell you. If Joe had been here, it would have—”

  “Joe isn’t here,” Eve interrupted. “I want to help you. I will help you. But you can’t tell me any more lies. What the hell is happening? How much of that story you told me about that woman in the mental hospital is true?”

  She didn’t speak for a moment. “Most of it. I didn’t lie much. Only about Beth Avery being Jackie’s cousin.”

  “Then why did you make up that story? Why not just be honest with me? Who is this Beth Avery to you, Sandra?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Sandra, you were right. I’m going to keep after you until I find out what’s wrong. Now answer me.”

  “I knew you’d be like this.” The tears were running down Sandra’s cheeks. “But you’ve got to promise not to be angry with me.”

  Eve drew a deep breath. Patience. “I told you, I’m not going to be angry. For heaven’s sake, stop crying. All I want to do is help you. Who is Beth Avery, and what is she to you?”

  “I didn’t want anything bad to happen. I have to do something to make it right, Eve.”

  “Tell me.”

  “I’m getting there.” She moistened her lips, then said in a rush, “I’m her mother, Eve. I’m Beth Avery’s mother.”

  Shock. Eve felt as if she’d been punched in the stomach. “What?”

  Sandra lifted her chin defensively though the tears were still running down her cheeks. “I didn’t want to tell you. You made me.”

  “Sandra.” Eve spoke very slowly. “Would you repeat what you just said?”

  “You heard me. You’ve got to do something. Beth Avery is your sister.”

  CHAPTER

  3

  “SISTER?” EVE ASKED HOARSELY. Her throat was so tight, she could barely speak. “Sandra, what are you saying? This is crazy.”

  “No, it’s not. It just happened, okay? It wasn’t my fault. I was only fourteen, and I just wanted to have a good time. There’s nothing wrong with that.” She pushed Eve away and sat up straighter on the couch. “Stop looking at me like that. You should understand. Your Bonnie was illegitimate. These things happen.”

  Eve was trying to feel her way through this maze. “And how did this … happen?” She sat back on her heels, trying to think. “You always told me that I was born when you were fifteen. I have a sister?”

  “Oh, you weren’t a twin or anything like that, thank God. I was sick all through the pregnancy carrying just one baby.” She paused. “Beth was born when I was fourteen. I fibbed a little about when I had you. It was a couple years later.”

  Her head was spinning. “Why would you lie?”

  “It was … easier. No one could know about Beth.”

  “Why not?”

  “I was scared. I’d signed papers. They told me they’d put me in jail.”

  “You were a minor. Nothing you signed would be legal.”

  “I didn’t know. I wasn’t very smart about stuff like that. My mother told me that I had to do whatever they said.”

  Eve drew a deep breath. “Who is ‘they’?”

  “Rick’s family.” Her eyes filled with tears. “They were so ugly to me, Eve.”

  “Rick? Who is Rick?” She stiffened as it hit home to her. “Richard Avery? He’s Beth’s father?”

  “Yes, Rick.” She took the washcloth from Eve and dabbed at her eyes. “Though they tried to call me a liar. They said I was trying to trap him. Why would I lie about a thing like that?”

  Eve could see why the Averys would want to deny any involvement between Sandra and their son, Richard. Good God, Nelda and George Avery’s son, their pride and joy.

  Their hope for a shot at the White House.

  But she had to get this straight. She was having trouble comprehending it. But the mere reluctance Sandra had displayed about telling her about Beth Avery was leading her to tentatively believe it. But she had to make sure this outrageous story was true. “How did it happen? How did you even meet him? You certainly didn’t travel in the same circles.”

  “I was pretty,” she said simply. “Maybe even prettier than I am now. Guys like pretty girls around. It makes them look good to other guys to be able to provide girls at their parties.”

  “You were only fourteen yourself, almost a baby.”

  “That d
idn’t matter. I just didn’t tell anyone, and I always had a good time. I looked older.” She shrugged. “And some guys like young girls. Rick did. I wasn’t usually invited to many of the fraternity parties at Georgia Tech, but that night, Cal Drake called me and asked me to come to one and meet his friend, Rick. Rick was going to Harvard Law and had come down to Atlanta to visit Cal.” She paused. “Cal said I didn’t have to pretend to be older. Rick liked girls my age … or younger.”

  “Shit. How old was he?”

  “Twenty or so.” She frowned. “I think. I didn’t care. He was good-looking, and he liked me.”

  “I bet he did,” Eve said grimly. “How soon did you go to bed with him?”

  “That night. He was fun. He made me feel special. We went to bed lots of times that weekend.” She shook her head. “Why are you looking at me like that? It wasn’t as if I was a virgin. I told you, I was pretty. All the guys wanted to screw me from the time I was in middle school. I liked Rick, so why not?”

  “You were fourteen.”

  “He liked me,” she said defiantly. “He didn’t try to rape me. We smoked some pot, then we went to bed and had a damn good time.”

  “And he didn’t protect you and got you pregnant.”

  “Not that night. He came back a couple times in the next few months, and I think it was one of those nights.”

  “Didn’t anyone tell you how to protect yourself?”

  “Sure, but he didn’t like to use anything. He said it wasn’t fun for him.”

  And a young girl’s life changed forever because of that self-indulgence. Smother the anger. “What did he say when you told him you were pregnant?”

  “I didn’t tell him right away. I didn’t tell anyone.” She moistened her lips. “I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted it to go away.”

  Eve remembered the day she had found out that she was pregnant with Bonnie. The disbelief, the panic. And Sandra had helped her through that nightmare period. She reached out and covered Sandra’s hand with her own. “Who did you tell?”

  “My mother. But not for more than four months. I was beginning to show, and I couldn’t hide it any longer. She was angry. She said that she wasn’t going to take care of a kid, that I had to get rid of it.”

  “Charming.” Eve had never known Sandra’s mother. Her grandmother had never been in her life, and Sandra had just said vaguely that her mother had gone away and lived in another state. “But you obviously didn’t do it.”

  “I was going to do it. I didn’t mean to cause trouble. But then my mother started asking me questions about the baby and who the father was and stuff like that. She said that we should get something for my whoring.” Her lips tightened. “I wasn’t a whore. I never asked Rick for anything. All I wanted was a good time.”

  “But your mother decided the Averys should pay when she found out that Richard Avery was the father.”

  She nodded. “It was nasty. His parents said I was a tramp and a liar, and they wouldn’t pay anything. They sent detectives around asking questions about me. But my mother wouldn’t stop and said she’d have Rick arrested for rape.”

  “She should have done it.”

  “But then they wouldn’t have given us any money. And I keep telling you, it wasn’t Rick’s fault. He was good to me. I didn’t want to call in the police.” She paused. “He finally told his parents the baby was his, and they had to pay for an abortion.”

  “Finally?”

  “He was scared of his parents. It was hard for him to confess to doing something they wouldn’t like. But he did it.” She shrugged. “But I was six months pregnant by then, and the doctor wouldn’t do an abortion. I had to have the baby. My mother said that was just as well so that we could prove Rick was the father. We’d keep the kid and hit the family for a monthly allowance. It would be a bonanza. But Nelda Avery wasn’t having it. There was no way that she was going to be blackmailed for years because of Rick’s mistake. She paid my mother a lot of money as a settlement and told her that the family was to get custody of the baby the minute it was born. She made both of us sign those releases and denials that Rick was at fault and guarantee that we would never have any contact with Beth once I gave her up. They were to be in total control.”

  “And you just went along with your mother and let your child go to them?”

  “Why not? I didn’t want her. What could I do with a baby? Rick came down to see me and told me that he’d make sure that the kid was well taken care of.”

  “And you believed him?”

  “Of course. Why would he lie? He was like me. He just wanted the situation to go away. I signed the papers, my mother got the money, and I thought that would be the end of it.”

  “But it wasn’t?”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t know I would— Why should I feel like that for a kid? It was all wrong…”

  “You didn’t want to give her up.” Eve knew how powerful that maternal feeling could be. She hadn’t been able to give Bonnie up, though she’d thought it would be best for her. Sandra had been surprisingly understanding during that time, and now Eve realized why.

  “They didn’t come to get her for three days. I saw her all the time at the hospital. She was so … beautiful. She looked like me, only with Rick’s dark hair. I told my mother to give back the money.”

  “But she wouldn’t do it?”

  “She called the Averys and told them to come and get the baby quick. That afternoon, my baby was gone from the hospital. I was angry. I felt cheated. My mother didn’t pay any attention. She packed me up and took me down to Miami. We stayed at a real fancy hotel, and she told me how lucky I was she’d been able to get me out of that fix. I didn’t feel lucky. I was mad. I wanted to punish her. I wanted my baby.” She shrugged. “But I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get Beth back. That Nelda woman scared me, and I’d signed those papers…”

  Eve was trembling, and she crossed her arms across her chest. “Let me fill in this particular gap. You couldn’t have Beth, but what was to stop you from getting pregnant again? You’d be punishing your mother by doing something that would prove inconvenient for her.”

  “I didn’t really think about it. I just started to party again and having a good time.” She smiled. “I was pregnant a year later. I told my mother that I wasn’t going to have an abortion, and she had to give me enough money to take care of me and my kid. She was furious.” Her smile faded. “But she didn’t give me any money. After I gave birth to you, the nurse gave me a note from her that said that she was done with me and leaving town. That wasn’t right. She shouldn’t have left me there with no money and a newborn kid. After all, it was my money. How was I supposed to take care of myself?”

  “The way you did. Though I can see how it must have proved a shock to you. I gather that you didn’t have the same flush of maternal yearning over me that you experienced with Beth.”

  “How could I? I was too worried.” She added quickly, “It wasn’t that you weren’t a very pretty baby, but I didn’t know I’d feel something different. Not that I didn’t like you. I just didn’t know what to do with you. I was alone, and I didn’t have any money. She shouldn’t have done that to me.”

  “And you shouldn’t have done that to me.” She had to control her anger. “No child should be brought into the world because of anger.”

  “It all came out okay,” Sandra said defensively. “You have a good life. You should be grateful I didn’t get an abortion.”

  “You’ve used that card all my life,” Eve said. “That I had a duty to you because you brought me into the world in spite of all the problems that meant for you. And I bought what you said because you’re my mother, and I care about you.” She turned on her heel. “God knows why.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I want to shake you. I have to get away from you for a few minutes.”

  “I knew you’d be angry that I didn’t tell you about Beth.”

  “Beth? I can’t even think about h
er right now.” She glared back over her shoulder. “You know, Sandra, all my life I thought I was just an accident, and I could accept that. I’m having a little more trouble with the concept that I was a weapon for you to get back at your mother. That’s a little cold for me.” The front door slammed behind her.

  She drew in a deep breath of cool air. Why had she gotten so angry? She was a mature woman, and she knew Sandra. They had never had a relationship on which to build. It was all past history.

  But the history had changed a little. As a child, there had always been the hurt, the fear that her mother didn’t love her, and she had been thrown back to that time with those few words Sandra had uttered. She hadn’t realized she’d had two strikes against her even before she was born. She was a substitute for the daughter her mother had wanted, the daughter she couldn’t have.

  And it hurt, dammit.

  Screw maturity and understanding—it hurt.

  “Eve.” Sandra was standing in the doorway with a cup in her hands, her gaze fixed apprehensively on Eve. “Don’t be mad at me.” She came toward her. “I brought you a cup of coffee.”

  Like a little girl trying to bribe her way into forgiveness for a transgression. Sandra was a little girl in many ways, Eve thought wearily. Mentally and emotionally, she had stayed a child even though she had been allowed to grow up too soon. That dichotomy, Eve found, was one of the toughest things she had to deal with in her mother. Sandra probably didn’t even understand why Eve was upset. She couldn’t see beyond the boundaries of her personal sphere. What the hell. Accept the bribe. She took the cup of coffee. “Thank you.”

  Sandra looked relieved. “And I forgive you for stomping out here even though it was rude.”

  “Don’t push it, Sandra.”

  “After all, this isn’t about you.”

  She took a sip of coffee. “Isn’t it? For a minute, it felt like it was. You’ve always discouraged me from asking anything about the time when you had me, and I went along with you.” Her lips twisted. “I didn’t want to be insensitive. But considering what you’ve told me, I’d like to ask you a question or two. We know Beth’s father was Richard Avery. Who is my father, Sandra?”