Learning to Love

by Trinity Wood

  I park and enter my house through an inside door. As I stand in the hallway, I'm trying to remember why I bought this particular place. It seemed nice and cozy, a good area. Big enough for what I need, but not too big. Good entertaining, nice outdoor flow. Having come from Ellie's house, I feel like I'm in a fucking mausoleum. No laughter, no dog barking. I don't even have plants. Don't want them dying while I'm away.

  I walk to my room to take a shower, and as the lukewarm water washes over my body I can't help but think of Ellie. Annoyed because I'm getting hard again at the thought of her, I dry briskly and put fresh clothes on.

  The walls are trapping me in. Maybe I should go for a drive. No, I can't do that. Might end up back at her house. I pace around the open plan kitchen. I'll go for a run. It's Sunday morning. Perfect timing.

  I pick up my phone and message Corey to see if he's keen to run together for an hour or so. He replies back straight away that he's up for it, and he'll see me here in ten.

  If I continue pacing up and down like this, I'm probably going to tear a hole in the flooring. I decide to stand outside and look at the birds instead. Is that a tui bird call? I think I heard one this morning by Ellie's house.

  Oh, for fuck's sake! I cover my face with my hands then go back inside. The scrap of paper with her number on it is where I'd left it on the kitchen counter. I'm going to have to throw it away. It's just too tempting.

  Through the window, I see Corey's parking on the street, waving at me. I pick up my phone and keys, put on my sunglasses and cap, and give in. I pick up the piece of paper with Ellie's number and throw it in the outside bin on the way out.

  "Hey, hey, bro. How's it going?" Corey's cheerful, as always, and wraps me in a bear hug. He probably wouldn't have made such a mess of everything with Ellie. Thinking of Corey with Ellie makes bile rise up my throat.

  "You look a bit green, bro. Too much booze yesterday at Paddy's?" Corey's a tease. He knows me too well to think I'd drink too much.

  "Nah. Let's get on with it. I say we run to the Marina, then back up the hill. Stop for a coffee on the way. How does that sound?" I'm keen for a punishing run, to make me think about anything but her, the slip of paper on top of my trash.

  "Whoa. That's mean, man. We're going to be dead by the time we get back." Corey's a fitness fanatic. He's definitely joking.

  "Last one buys the coffees," I throw behind my shoulder as I start running.

  Corey laughs and easily catches up to me. We run in silence for the first five minutes. He keeps looking at me from time to time. He obviously wants to say something. When we stop at a traffic light, he's ready to burst. And he does. "So, what's going on? What's really going on?"

  I lean against the pole and stretch my legs. How much should I say? What should I say? We've been sailing together for over ten years now, closer to fifteen. He knows me almost better than anyone, but I’ve never felt about a girl how I feel about Ellie. "Nothing."

  The green man lights up, and we start running again at a steady pace. We run past tree-lined streets, wooden painted houses, and the urban landscape changes to city streets and tall apartment blocks.

  A few moments later, Corey picks up the conversation like I’d not just shut it down. "Nothing like what? Is it … a girl?" Though I'm not very good with making out the meaning behind people's inflections, even I can tell he's incredulous.

  "Don't know why you're so shocked. You always see girls. I bet you weren't home last night." I poke him.

  "I wasn't. Were you?" He lowers his sunglasses as if to really look at me.

  Silence.

  "I can't fucking believe it. Tell me everything from start to finish. Including why the fuck are we running close to twenty miles on a Sunday morning in high heat."

  "You're not going to like it, Corey." It sounds like an apology, but I’m not sure why.

  "I'm not going to like it because you're you, and you can't just do casual like the rest of us. You have to promise marriage to all of them." His words cut through me like a razor, and I retreat into silence again.

  My failed engagement to Laura is still a sore point. I didn’t really think we were in love, but someone told me friendship made a solid base for a good match. That may be true, but in our case it wasn't enough.

  Corey sighs, from what feels like the depths of his soul. "I'm sorry bro. I don't want to see you hurt, that's all. Plus, what about racing? We're going away training up North starting tomorrow. Your mind needs to be focused on that, and the competitions we've got coming up. And what about the Olympics?"

  He's right. He's not telling me anything I don't know. People in our position with stable relationships are few and far between. I’m happy with how my life is right now. Training. Racing. Winning. Proving to my parents continuously that I’m worth something. The last thing I’d want is change. Change is painful. Change is vulnerable.

  We reach the Marina where yachts are lined up in the sun. There's hustle and bustle, families with kids eating ice creams and waiting for their turn to board dolphin safari tours. We turn around before anyone recognizes us and make our way back to my house.

  The run is uphill, much more challenging, but I push on, Corey's words running through my mind. We stop at my local café for a flat white coffee. By this time I'd forgotten about our bet, whoever loses pays for coffee. I absentmindedly order two double shot flat whites and pay.

  The café doubles as a roastery, selecting and roasting their own coffee beans for the best flavor. I scan the walls for art prints, and I see one I think Ellie would like with a puppy and a flower. I inwardly curse at myself for falling too hard, too fast.

  "So who's this mystery girl? How did you meet?" Corey's interrogation continues. "Does she know the meme about you … with the seagull?"

  Not that again. But I laugh. "Whoever made that meme should get their ass pecked by that seagull.” I shift from foot to foot. “Her name is Ellie. She's a daycare teacher."

  Corey's eyebrows shoot so far up I can't help but laugh. "Mate. Mate. That's the most land-based occupation ever."

  I nod, smiling sadly. Another reminder of how oceans apart Ellie and I are. "She's friends with Gracie. We met there yesterday, at the barbecue. I went to her place in Hillcrest. Came back home this morning."

  The barista hands over our coffees, and we stroll back to my house instead of running. I think about the coffee Ellie made me, and more importantly what happened afterwards.

  Corey keeps throwing me curious glances. "Never seen you like this, Sam. You're acting even more strangely than usual." He seems to choose his words carefully. "Not sure I like it."

  "I don't like it either." It's the truth. I don't like feeling this way. Needy. Ready to drop everything for her.

  It's only been one night. We haven’t even been on a date. I don't know her parents' names. I don't know what toppings she likes on her pizza. Does she get seasick? I do know how she lights up a room with a smile. I also know how she felt when I made her come. Her little smiles and silly jokes.

  "Oh man. Will you see her again?" Sometimes I feel like Corey can see my every thought, and I hate that. We've reached my house now, and we're standing outside, coffee cups nearly empty.

  "No. I didn't keep her number. It's all too messy."

  Corey shakes his head, pats me on the back, and walks towards his car.

  I'm surprised he's heading off so soon. "Aren't you coming in?"

  "Nah, bro, I need to pack up for tomorrow. You should do the same. They pick us up around 4 AM."

  "That's early. Okay, cool. See you tomorrow." I wave as he speeds off.

  I have an early lunch and pack my bags for a few days away, including wetsuits and other gear. The rest of the day passes in a blur, and evening comes before I realize the sun’s even begun to set.

  I haven't stopped thinking about Ellie and replaying our time together in my head. In my last memory of her, she's standing in the doorway of that 50’s home, waving at me as I'm leaving without saying goodbye.


  The easy companionship with Laura felt like sailing on calm waters. No wind, stagnant, not really going anywhere. Being with Ellie is like a storm, like being blown away in a skiff at 50 miles an hour. Nowhere to hide, no land in sight.

  I go to bed with a heavy sigh. No way I’ll be able to rest. If this is my first real taste of heartbreak, then I definitely don't want any more.

  ***

  Sam

  The alarm wakes me up with a jolt at exactly 3:30 a.m. I've barely slept a wink, haunted by dreams of Ellie instead of my usual dreams about the ocean and calm waves. I made myself come twice, hoping to get some rest afterwards. I tried imagining other women, various celebrities, even exes. Anything. The only thing that made me come each time was remembering how good she felt in my arms.

  I take a cold shower, and by the time I'm out, my phone vibrates. The guys are outside. The night air is fresh with the jacaranda fragrance filling the air. One of the guys helps me load up my gear on the bus, and I get on. A tui bird calls nearby.

  The bus drives into the dark, through the inner suburbs, then on the highway up North, past the bridge, past the junction for Ellie's house, and beyond the horizon.

  The guys chat about everything under the sun, from boats, to sails, to racing, until the topic turns to women. I groan inwardly. It's not even 6:00 a.m. I pretend I'm asleep to escape the chatter, but it seems they have other plans.

  "Sam, we know you're awake. Have you seen that meme?" Jake pushes his phone in my face. Bane of my existence, that fucking stupid meme. "It's a seagull, and it says Sam's new girl".

  They laugh wholeheartedly. I usually love their humor, but on a day like today when I feel like death on legs, and I'm pining for Ellie, it's too much.

  "Yeah, yeah. What's for breakfast?" I mumble and try to settle back down to rest. Or at least pretend I'm resting.

  "How long since you last scored, Sam?" Florian, our German grinder, is quick to ask.

  Corey clears his throat.

  I roll my eyes and resign myself to the fact they won't leave me alone. I take a bite out of a protein bar. "Yesterday."

  I'm prepared for all the guffaws and whistles. Such a team of louts. Even Jay, the gentle giant, chimes in. They all need a good dunk in cold water. I finish my protein bar, take a glug of water, and stare out the window, avoiding further conversation.

  Nobody asks anymore questions, and the next two days pass in a buzz of activity, training from sunrise to sundown in all winds and weather. The mast of our ultralight carbon fiber boat stands seventy feet tall, dwarfing all other yachts in the area.

  When I'm on the water I don't have time to think about Ellie. I push myself and the team harder and harder each time, and we achieve speeds that wow. Winning each time, taming and conquering the ocean.

  The ocean that took Thea.

  On Wednesday, the night before we're due to go back home, we all sit in a club room at the local sailing club. Some are having whisky, some are playing cards.

  I'm doing both but failing miserably at cards. "Jake, how does your wife feel about you being gone all the time? How do you make it work?" The words are out of my mouth before I can take them back.

  All eyes turn on me. Corey leans forward.

  Perhaps Jake gives me an odd look, but I can’t tell. "Give and take, mate. It's not easy. Got to prioritize. My Natalie, she's one in a million. I'm a lucky bastard." He puts down his cards.

  His answer doesn't really satisfy me. How could I make it work with Ellie if I'm never around? It wouldn't be fair to her. She needs someone to be there, at least some of the time. I take another sip of whisky. It’s so peaty it nearly makes my eyes water.

  Jake's eyes change, in the same way Corey's eyes did when I first told him about Ellie. "Do you have a girl?"

  I try to act nonchalant but can't quite make it. "Maybe."

  "This girl … is she worth it?" Jake continues to stare me down.

  Nobody makes a sound in the club room.

  "Yes. She's one in a million, like your Nat." For the first time, I voice how I truly feel about Ellie.

  "Keep her then. But when you're with us, your whole being needs to be focused on racing. No ifs, no buts. While you're at the helm, you're responsible for our lives."

  I shiver at Jake's words.

  Sensing the atmosphere's growing heaviness, Corey raises his glass. "Enough with the serious stuff. Sam got laid guys. By an actual woman! Wooohoo!"

  Everyone bursts out laughing and singing "For he's a jolly good fellow …”

  But I’m not feeling very jolly. I miss Ellie, so I slip away to my bunk where I can be alone with thoughts of her.

  Corey follows me. "You need to call her. Or at least text her, Sam. It's been three days."

  My smile fades. "I got rid of her phone number. I'm an asshole."

  "She knows Paddy, right? Ask him. He'll know. Or at least Gracie will." Corey is full of ideas.

  "I've screwed up badly, Corey. I didn't even kiss her goodbye. I ran out of there like Roadrunner chased by the coyote. I can't call her. You know what I'm like." I finally admit my shame.

  "You're a prick. An ass. A barnacle. Less than a barnacle. An amoeba." Corey's running fast out of insults, and he’s an inventive guy, so this comes as a surprise.

  I'm mulling over an idea. "She works at a daycare. I could wait for her after work, take her for a coffee. Explain myself in person. See if she’ll give me a chance. I want more than a one night stand. Maybe she does, too.” My heart soars at the thought of seeing Ellie again.

  Corey lifts one brow and crosses his arms. "God help you, son. You need all the luck you can get. Alright. I'm off to bed. Big day tomorrow. Long trip back."

  I go to my bunk and enter straight away into the land of dreams, populated by the ocean… and Ellie.

  Chapter 4

  Ellie

  In the five days since I last heard from Sam, I took Daisy out for ten walks, watched exactly four K-Dramas, three repeats of Pride and Prejudice - the BBC version - and ate two large tubs of Death by Chocolate ice cream. But who’s counting?

  Since Monday, I’ve been back to work at Cheeky Monkeys daycare, and the kids are taking up all my time. They’re all sweethearts, and they challenge me in so many ways. I can’t imagine my life without them.

  I’ve secretly Googled Sam. Feeling a bit odd, learning things about him that he hasn’t told me. His family, his mum and dad, his brother. His many competition prizes. It’s like he’s on a one-way mission to winning anything and everything, sailing or otherwise.

  The biggest shocker of all—his failed engagement. Had to scrape my jaw off the floor. Jealousy strangled me, and I don’t think it’s loosened its hold ever since. I don’t know how I hadn’t heard of this before. He met someone and fell in love enough to propose. Doesn’t match up to the Sam I’ve met briefly. But it’s hard to really know a man you’ve met only once, no matter how many orgasms he gives you.

  Laura Killarney is a gold medal Olympian in rowing. In the photos of them together she looks nearly as tall as him and so confident. They are much more alike than I care to admit. She’s very good-looking, whereas I … I'm short. I go to the gym when I remember, which is never. I don't know a thing about sailing. The list could go on.

  They were engaged, then broke it off a short while before the wedding. Wouldn’t be surprised if Sam left her without a word, like what he did to me.

  I’m on kitchen duty today at daycare, and for a while I can afford to daydream about Sam as I prepare the kids’ meals and tidy up. What’s he been up to this past week? Has he thought about me at all? Gracie called on Monday to snoop. I told her Sam and I weren’t suited and left it at that. She seemed quite disappointed. She prides herself on her matchmaking skills.

  The clock on the kitchen wall strikes 4:00 p.m. Another day of work is coming to an end soon. I pack up the rubbish bags and carry them to the big bins outside. I’m always amazed at the amount of rubbish a small center like ours can produce, even thoug
h we’re always thinking of ways to reuse and recycle.

  The rubbish bins are always a pain, taller than me and too full. I sling a bag over the side of the bin and it gets stuck. I push, cringing at the smell.

  “Let me help you with that.”

  I freeze. Can’t be. But the deep, familiar voice sends tingles down my spine like only one man can do. I swivel my head around, and that very man’s standing right next to the shiny black SUV. Sam Northcroft. Damn.

  I look him up and down, incredulously. He’s wearing his usual black combo of shorts, t-shirt, cap and sunglasses. He’s a bit more tanned, and stubble covers his jaw and cheeks. Still makes my heart race and my mouth water. Still maddening.

  “Why are you here? I’m working.” My tone is short. I can’t let him off the hook easily. He can’t just breeze in like Prince Charming and expect me to fall at his feet after not a single word for five days, and after leaving like he left. What kind of person just shows up like this?

  He takes his sunglasses off, and the dark circles under his eyes tell a grim story. “I’m sorry. I needed to see you. We could grab a drink, talk. When do you finish for the day?”

  My resolve crumbles in an instant. Tayla says I’m a softie, and she’s right. I’d love to see a smile on his face.

  “I finish at 4:30 today. I’ll see you in a little bit.” I go back inside, fully aware of his blue-gray gaze boring into my back.

  Over the next half an hour, I try my best not to look out the kitchen window. I didn’t see him go back to his car. I didn’t see him checking his phone. I didn’t see him looking at the daycare entrance several times. I also didn’t see him sighing, and I absolutely did not wish I could kiss him there and then ...

  Deciding I’d tortured the both of us enough, I pack my bag and hastily say goodbye to a couple of the other teachers. They haven’t noticed someone’s waiting for me outside, and I hope to keep it that way.