by Erin Trejo
“I’ve heard about you,” she says.
I’m about to ask her how and from whom when Monster stops me.
“Enough Carn.”
She smirks at him, and walks off while throwing a little wave as she goes. This is too much, I can’t do this. I can’t breathe.
Chapter 5
Monster
I watch Kyza’s eyes as they dart around the room. I’ve kept an eye on her the whole time she’s been here. She seems uncomfortable even though she has no reason to be. No one has bothered her, and I’ve kept her pretty close just for that reason. However, she looks skittish. I can’t remember how much she’s had to drink, but she’s looking a little tipsy.
“You okay?” I lean in and ask her when her eyes dart to mine. There’s some kind of fear in them, but I can’t place it.
“I can’t breathe,” she whispers softly, but I caught it. I nod, grab her hand, and lead her down the hallway. When I get to my room I open the door and usher her inside. She doesn’t hesitate to go in, but when I close the door behind her she spins quickly and locks her gaze with mine.
“Bathroom’s in there if you need it,” I tell her nodding toward the door.
She nods slowly and I see her blue eyes sparkling before she goes in and closes the door behind her. I sit on the edge of my bed and run my hand through my hair. I don’t know why I asked Paul to bring her here. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking except I couldn’t get the way she looked at me that night out of my head. She didn’t act afraid or repulsed, and I want to know why. The door to the bathroom slowly opens and Kyza walks out.
“Are you okay?” she asks me when I should be the one asking her that question.
“I wanna ask you somethin’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
“Of course.”
I stand from the bed and glare at her. I’m thinking there has to be some kind of ulterior motive here. There has to be a reason she’s acting like seeing the scars on my face is perfectly normal.
“You looked at me that night. You didn’t let your gaze drop down to my scars. Why?”
Kyza looks confused, but her eyes stay locked on mine. Even now she isn’t looking at them. It unnerves me.
“Why would I? For one, the scars are a part of you, and two, they don’t make a difference to me. Why would I stare at them?”
She crosses her arms and waits for me to answer her. She’s lying; she has to be. My scars are the first thing everyone sees.
“What did you see that night you looked up at me?”
“What is this about?” She asks unsure where I’m going with this, and fuck me I’m not sure either, to be honest.
“Answer me. What did you see?” I growl a little louder this time.
Kyza takes a step toward me and I almost lose it. I want to snap at her and shove her away, but there’s something about this girl that just seems to invade my sense of control.
“I saw a man. He was a man that was sick and he needed help. I saw a gorgeous man that had no idea what to do with himself when someone didn’t comment about what has undoubtedly made him who he is today. I saw a person. A human with emotions. I saw a darkness in those brown eyes that I think mimics my own.”
My breath catches in my throat as I watch her watch me. It’s an intense moment. I’m almost afraid to break it, but something snaps inside of me and I move. I rush her and wrap one arm around her waist and the other around the back of her neck, crushing her lips to mine. I take her, devour her. Hell, I own her in this moment. Nothing has ever felt so right in my life, yet it’s so wrong at the same time.
Kyza tenses in my arms, but I can’t stop myself. How the hell did she look at me that way? When I pull away from her lips I can see they’re swollen and red. We’re both breathing heavily, but neither of us knows what to say.
“I should go,” she whispers softly.
I nod my head, but I don’t want to let her go. I want to keep her here and have her continue to look at me like I’m normal. I want her to look at me like I’m worth more than the scars on my body say I am. There’s an ache in my chest. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I’m not sure I like it there now. I want it gone. I want her to stay. I don’t know what the hell I want any more. When she goes to move I let her. I let her walk away from me and toward the door.
“Why?” Leaves my mouth before I can stop it, causing her to stop and look back over at me.
“Why what?”
“Why would you say that? Why would you lie to me?”
Anger courses through my veins. I don’t know where it’s coming from, nor do I know how to stop it. I’ve been down this road before with women. What do they want from me? I don’t fucking know, but it always ends and the scars are thrown in my face. It’s evil at its fucking finest.
“I’m not lying to you.”
“You are. You’re lyin’ and I wanna know why.”
Kyza starts at the tone of my voice and reaches for the door handle. She isn’t leaving yet.
I need answers. Answers that I know somewhere deep inside of me that she doesn’t have. How could she? I move quickly and slam my hand against the door to keep it closed. Kyza jumps up and screams. I start to reach for her when the door is shoved open. I stumble back as the door slams into me. Both Viking and Grinder are standing there looking between the two of us. Kyza is in tears with her arms wrapped around herself as Grinder comes into my room. He pulls her toward him, but she’s hesitant.
“It’s okay darlin’.”
“What is this shit?” Viking asks looking between us again.
I run my hand through my hair and sigh.
“I don’t fuckin’ know.”
“You don’t fuckin’ know? You’ve got a girl in here screamin’ like you’re tryin’ to kill her and you don’t fuckin’ know?” Viking roars. Grinder has Kyza pulled into his chest trying to soothe her.
“I didn’t fuckin’ hurt her.”
“Then why the fuck is she screamin’?” Viking asks as he moves closer to me. His face softens slightly as he seems to see what my problem is. “This isn’t the way to get them brother. She doesn’t know what’s got you so fucked in the head Monster. What are you doin’?”
“I fucked up. I just wanted answers,” I tell him.
“I’m takin’ her out of here,” Grinder adds.
Viking nods his head and I’m about to say no, but I can’t. I have no right to keep her here. What the hell is wrong with my fucking head?
“You wanna explain this shit?”
“She was at the clinic when I was there. I scared her one night when I walked in on her. She didn’t say shit to me Viking. Didn’t ask. She didn’t even look at them.”
“I don’t get it brother. I really don’t. You met a woman who doesn’t look at your scars, ask questions or lose her shit and you have a problem with that? Women usually asks you about them and then you lose your shit. What the fuck do you want here man?” Viking asks raising his arms out to his sides.
I wish I knew. I wish to fuck I had an answer to his question, but I don’t. Viking backs away and leaves me alone in my room.
“Fuck!”
I hate that I’m fucked in the head the way I am. With everything in me I hate that these fucking scars still hold so much power over me even after all of these years. I’ve seen fucking shrinks like I was told to do; I did the fucking counseling and I’m still just as screwed up as ever.
I head into the bathroom and wash my face and try to calm my breathing before I head back out to the party. I shouldn’t have messed with her. I shouldn’t have asked Paul to even bring her here to begin with.
“You okay?” Mason asks when I step up next to him at the bar.
“Yeah. Lost my shit a little.”
“I heard. Viking’s pissed brother.”
I nod my head since I already know this. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for what I did. I glance up as I grab my beer and see Doc and Kyza heading for the door. I know I owe her an apology, but I
don’t know if I should approach her or not right now. I fucked up yet again, and this time I’m fucking with someone that doesn’t even know me.
“Let it go Monster. She’s isn’t one of us anyway. You’ll probably never see her again,” Mason tells me.
He’s probably right, but the thought of not seeing her again pisses me off too. I’m in a fucking lose/lose situation and I can’t figure out how to fix it. I feel like I’m slowly losing who I am and there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it. I don’t let the guys know because honestly, Viking took me in with open arms when I transferred here. I thought a change of pace and a change in sceneries would help. In this moment I feel like I’m slowly slipping away though.
I grab the shot that’s set in front of me and down it quickly. More shots follow until the room is spinning out of control around me. Then and only then does Kenzie come up to me and wrap her hands around my waist. Kenzie is one of our club girls.
“You look sad. Want me to fix that for you?” Kenzie asks.
I want to tell her to fuck off because no one can fix it, but I don’t. Instead I nod my head and let her lead me back down the hallway and into my room. Kyza’s scent still lingers in the air. I can smell her, it’s like flowers and strawberries. My head is a goddamn mess of emotions that I can’t seem to get straight. Kenzie slides to her knees and unbuckles my jeans, pulling them down my legs along with my boxers. Her soft hand wraps around cock and starts stroking. I close my eyes and just let the sensations run wild through me. I tip my head back as her soft lips wrap around me and suck me between those swollen lips. I groan as I conjure up a vision of Kyza’s face in my mind. I picture her lips wrapped around me instead of Kenzie. I grab the back of Kenzie’s head and start fucking her face roughly. I hear her gag when I finally look down. She has spit and tears streaming down her face. I don’t care. I can’t find it in me to stop, so instead I thrust even harder and smirk at the way she gags on me. If I can control one thing in my life this is it. I can fuck a woman any way I want. I can have that level of control in the bedroom if not anywhere else, so I take it.
“Fuckin’ suck Kenzie,” I roar as my balls tighten.
I can’t look at her. I can’t stand to see the pain in her eyes. This is what she’s here for. I close my eyes and think of Kyza with her perfect blue eyes. I’m imagining them peering up at me through her thick lashes as I fall apart and come down the back of her throat. With each swallow I release a little more. Kenzie sucks me clean before I release her head.
“Get the fuck on that bed and spread your legs,” I growl.
She moves quickly to do as she was told. When I turn to look at her I’m lost. What the hell is wrong with me that not even pussy looks good?
Chapter 6
Kyza
“Are you sure you don’t want to come out with me?” Paul asks me again.
I smile at him and shake my head, “No. Thank you though. I told Dan I’d stock the shelves for him tonight, his latest victim quit on him.”
“Wonder why that is?”
I shrug because I honestly don’t know. Dan is the local grocer and sure he can be creepy as hell, but he doesn’t bother me and he pays in cash. That’s enough of an incentive for me to stay.
“I don’t know. He doesn’t say a whole lot of anything to me when I come in,” I add.
“Well, be careful walking these streets alone,” Paul reminds me.
He reminds me of this every time I leave the clinic. It almost makes me smile and it would if it didn’t remind me of my past. My father never told me those things. In fact, he’s the one that would send me out into that hell we call earth. I’ve learned over the last few years that not everyone is like him. They aren’t all out to use you for their own purposes.
As I walk toward the store I get the feeling that I’m being watched. It isn’t the first time I’ve felt it and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I shake it off and tell myself that it’s just my nerves. When I think about it too much I become paranoid. I know what I did will eventually catch up with me, but for now I’m safe.
I walk in and find Dan leaning over the counter. His head comes up when he hears me and his eyes meet mine.
“You’re early.”
“Yeah. The clinic closed a little early tonight. I think Paul was tired.”
I don’t talk to Dan very often. It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to the man, he just doesn’t talk much and I’m okay with that. Less talking means more working.
Dan nods his head and I smile in return as I start walking to the back room. I grab the boxes, stack them up, and then start unloading them. There are days I can’t seem to keep my mind on the present, and that’s why I love having this job. I’m forced to have to focus on what I’m doing and that makes any images I might have, go further into the recesses of my mind. I don’t need that kind of life, I don’t deserve it, or maybe I do. It’s hard to tell where one line ends and another one begins these days.
I continue to work in silence long after Dan has left for the night. He trusts me to close up the store, and for that I’m grateful. I don’t know anyone except for Paul and Dan that trust me that much. They probably shouldn’t. If they knew me, the real me, the person I used to be, they wouldn’t trust me with their cats, but they don’t know, and that’s the way I’m going to keep it. No one needs to know the me I used to be.
I finish and lock up as I had out the back door when I feel someone’s presence behind me. Just as I’m about to turn around a hand wraps around my waist while another wraps around my mouth. I’m jerked back into a hard body as my heart hammers in my chest.
They found me. They know I’m here and now I’m going to die. Those are the thoughts on a loop in my head when warm a breath whooshes over my skin.
“You shouldn’t be out here alone,” a deep voice whispers.
For some stupid reason my body heats just from hearing his voice. He could be a killer or one of my father’s men, but right now he’s just a man holding me closely to him. What is wrong with this fucked up head of mine?
“Who are you?” I ask when the hand slowly moves away from my mouth. I should scream, but feeling his warmth so closely I don’t. It’s almost familiar in a way.
“What does it matter?” he whispers.
Why is he whispering? He presses into me and I can feel his hard on. My insides tremble as thoughts of being raped shift through my mind.
“Please just let me go,” I beg, my voice shaky.
“Not a chance. Now walk,” he demands softly.
I start walking, but he doesn’t take his hand away from me. In just a few short blocks we’re back at the clinic. My stomach trembles. How does he know that I stay here? Who is he?
Too many thoughts are jumbled in my brain when he reaches into my pocket and pulls my key free. He reaches around me, unlocks the door, and ushers me inside. My body reacts. My fight or flight instincts have just kicked in. I start to run, but I’m stopped quickly. His hands wrap around my waist and he yanks me back into him again. A sob leaves my throat as he lifts me and easily carries me into one of the rooms. His fingers slowly glide down my sides and my heart nearly explodes from my chest. He reaches around and his warm fingers slip over my skin. I gasp at the contact when I feel his lips caress my earlobe. It’s been so long since I’ve had a man touch me like this.
“Shh,” he whispers as whimpers start falling from my lips.
What the hell is happening? What am I doing? Am I really this desperate?
His fingers unhook my jeans and shove them to the floor along with my panties. His hands are gone and I’m gripping the edge of the bed afraid to let go. What is happening to me? Why am I letting some unknown man touch me? I want to recoil in fear and move, but for whatever reason I can’t. Fear? I don’t know.
I can hear his belt clink and fall to the floor before I hear the sound of a condom being ripped open. In seconds I feel his warm hands sliding down my skin. Bumps pop on my skin everywhere he touches. With his hand on
my back he pushes me forward so that my chest is lying on the bed. I can feel him behind me as his hands slide over my flesh. I’m heating up in ways that I haven’t felt in so long.
“Please,” I cry out as tears slide down my cheeks.
What am I asking for? Do I want him to fuck me? Do I want him to take away all the memories? Do I want him to stop? God I don’t even know what I’m begging for.
Before I can think about it anymore he has his cock at my entrance and he’s entered me. Each thrust makes me both whimper and moan. Each plunge sends me closer to the ecstasy that I haven’t had in so long. This is all wrong, but this unknown man is making me feel so right. He leans over me with his warm body pressed against mine as I continue to pant and gasp.
“Feels so good,” he whispers near my ear and bites the lobe.
I’m in a world that isn’t my own. I’ve never felt pleasure like this. He kisses the back of my neck and I can feel the stubble on his jaw as it tickles my skin. He’s right about one thing though, it feels so damn good.
He grabs my hips as he begins to fuck me even harder. I close my eyes, but that’s a mistake. As he pounds into me every memory of the life I once had comes rushing back to me.
Him. He’s standing there watching as his men did whatever they wanted to me. No one was stopping them. I was simply a pawn. Then the blood; there was so much blood. I cry out as I come. My body shatters into a million pieces as each one cuts a little deeper than the last. I stay in the same position bawling and hating myself for everything.
I hate it all. There is no escape.
After what seems like hours later I slowly pull myself up. I grab my jeans and yank them back up my sore body. The man is long gone. I have no idea who I just let fuck me, but I miss him. I miss his words and his warmth. I’m crazy. Insane. How can I miss something like that? I don’t even know who he was.
I cry all the way into the back room and enter the bathroom. Paul had a shower put in a long time ago so that the homeless could come in here when needed. I reach in and turn the water to as hot as I can get it before I step in.
