Hated You Then (Book One: Love Hurts Duet)

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Hated You Then (Book One: Love Hurts Duet) Page 9

by M. Robinson


  How much time did I have? When was I going to lose my memory and end up here too?

  Never ending questions ran heavy through my head, feeling an intense amount of fear.

  For me.

  For her.

  For my family.

  The closer we got to her room, the clearer the ending became for all of us in the exact same way.

  Bile rose in the back of my throat, but I swallowed it down.

  I just kept moving, kept stepping, kept going forward. There was nothing left behind me. Only memories gradually fading away the closer we got to her.

  Seeing her face.

  Hearing her voice.

  Feeling her love.

  Was what helped me go through with this.

  “Jackson, my golden boy. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Do you know that? Do you know how much I love you? You’re my baby boy. You’ll always be my baby boy.”

  Memory after memory attacked my mind.

  “I’m so proud of you. You’re just like your daddy. Out of both of my boys, you’re the most like your daddy.”

  Her love for me flashed before my eyes.

  “You can do whatever you set your mind to, Jackson. You want to be a football star, a surgeon, walk on the moon... you can do it. Because you’re the smartest boy with the brightest of futures. Don’t you ever forget that.”

  The good...

  “I will always be here for you.”

  The bad...

  “I don’t know why this is happening, baby. I wish I could tell you. I wish I had answers, but I don’t. All I can say is live your life, Jackson. You live your life like nothing happened to me. Do you hear me? Are you listening? I need you to be free from me. You live. You love. You laugh. You be happy. No matter the outcome.”

  The ugly...

  “I don’t know who you are! I hate you! I never want to see you again! I’m not your mom! I’m not your anything!”

  Each memory was worse than the last.

  “Get him out of my room! Leave and never come back! Who are you? What do you want with me? I have no sons. I have no family!”

  To the last memory I had of her before I lost her completely.

  “You look good holding your baby sister, Jackson. I can already tell she is going to have you wrapped around her little finger.”

  “Mmm hmm...”

  “Baby, please look at me. Please...”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Cause it always takes you away from me.”

  “Oh, Jackson...”

  She tugged me into her arms, holding onto us so tightly. I never wanted to leave her side. This would be the last time she’d ever hold me. The last hug I’d ever receive from anyone. I’d never let another person get that close to me.

  “I love you, baby. I love you so much. Please tell me you know that.”

  “Mmm hmm...”

  “Promise me you know I’ll always live in your heart.”

  I didn’t say a word.

  “Promise me.”

  “Which one of you? The woman who raised me, or the woman who doesn’t remember me?”

  She burst into tears. “I’m sorry,” she wept. “I’m so sorry for everything I have ever said or done to you. It’s not me. I swear to you, it’s not me.”

  I pulled away, looking deep into her eyes. “I don’t know who you are anymore. I can’t even call you my mother cuz it’s your biggest trigger. You lose it on me every time.”

  I could seet through her gaze she knew I was right.

  She simply stated, “I love you. You’ll always be my baby boy with bright blue eyes. You’re going to be like your daddy, never like me.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Take the test, Jackson. Take it for your own peace of mind.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m not ready to give up on my life yet.”

  “Dr. Pierce,” the physician said to my dad, ripping me back to the present place and time. “She doesn’t have much time left. Her organs are completely shutting down.”

  I saw it, clear as day.

  Our father wanted to die right along with her.

  “Her dementia has completely taken over. I’m so sorry, Dr. Pierce,” the nurse informed him, breaking his heart all over again.

  It didn’t matter how many times someone talked about her illness, it was like a bullet to the soul each and every time.

  How could he go on without her?

  When all he did was live for her.

  In a neutral tone, he stated, “You guys can go in first.”

  We both nodded, staying strong for our father. When all we wanted to do was fall apart with him.

  As soon as she saw us walking through the door, she smiled weakly, taking us in. It was evident in her tired eyes she had no idea who we were.

  “Hey, Bailey,” Jagger greeted, barely keeping it together.

  He wasn’t as strong as me and Dad were, I knew he was going to lose his shit. It was only a matter of time before he couldn’t keep it in any longer.

  I didn’t say one word. I don’t even think I was breathing while I looked at her with so much love and so much hate all at once.

  “You look really pretty today. Do you want me to brush your hair?” my brother asked.

  She didn’t say anything, didn’t even move. There were very few words she could still say. The dementia had almost completely taken away her speech. She was lost within herself, staring off into space where we were no longer her escape.

  “Can we take a picture with you?” Jagger asked, tears swelling up in his eyes.

  Out of nowhere, I blurted, “She can’t talk to you. She doesn’t even know who the fuck we are. She doesn’t even know we’re here.”

  “Jackson,” Dad gritted.

  “What?” I snapped my eyes over to him. “It’s the truth. Why are we even here? This is fucking pointless.”

  “Jackson, just cut Dad a break. It’s not his fault this happened. It’s not even hers,” Jagger stressed, pointing to her.

  “I guess we should try to remember that. Oh wait...” I mocked. “We may not have our memory in a few years either.”

  There was nothing anyone could say to that. It was our reality and truth.

  “Can we just take a picture? Journey deserves to have one photo with mom.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” I rolled my eyes, clenching my jaw. Trying to keep my shit together. “We can pretend she gives a rat’s ass about us.”

  “Jesus, Jackson! Can you just stop? For our sister’s sake?”

  I was so angry...

  At her.

  At my dad.

  At the fucking world.

  They couldn’t help me. They couldn’t even help themselves.

  Jagger leaned in with his phone out in front of him, and I followed his lead with Journey still in my arms as he quickly snapped a photo. But unlike me, Jagger stayed next to her.

  I didn’t want to touch her.

  See her.

  Or feel her.

  It hurt too damn much.

  Dad and I watched as Jagger bent over to kiss her head, letting his lips linger for a few seconds.

  With tears streaming down his face, he whispered something in her ear that made her blink and shut her eyes as he continued to privately have a moment with her.

  I shook my head, angrily scoffing out, “Fuck this.” In two strides, I was walking out of the room with Journey on my hip, but Dad grabbed my free arm, stopping me.

  “I know you’re angry,” he voiced, staring into my eyes. “I understand, alright? But you don’t want to do this. Trust me, Jackson, if you walk out of here and you don’t say goodbye to your mom, it’s going to haunt you forever. And I don’t want that for you. Please, son, say goodbye to your mother.”

  “Don’t you get it? She’s not here to say goodbye to. There’s nothing left of the woman who loved me, raised me, told me
she’d always be here for me. She’s already gone!” I roared, tearing my arm out of his grasp, nodding over to her bed.

  My glare.

  My rage.

  Stayed consumed on her, wanting to look at her one last time.

  This was the moment I’d look back on later and deeply regret. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have hugged her, showed her how much I loved her, told her how much she meant to me, how much she would always mean to me.

  All it took was one decision to change the course of my life. One choice to fuck it all up. This was a life sentence for me.

  I put the nail in my own coffin that day.

  I didn’t say goodbye to my mother, not realizing I’d never get a second chance to make it right.

  Allowing my emotions to get the best of me, I spoke with conviction, “That’s not my mom. I don’t know who that is.” Before I could change my mind, I abruptly turned and left them there. Barely making it around the corner before I laid my back and head against the cool tiled wall. Needing the support to hold me and my baby sister up as I overheard Jagger bawling his eyes out to our father.

  “Shhh...” Dad muttered. “Shhh... I got you, Son. I got you.”

  Who’s going to hold me? Who has me?

  “Why is this happening? Why, Dad, why?”

  “I wish I knew, Jagger. I wish I knew.”

  “Where is she going to go? You know she hates being alone, Dad,” he sobbed. “She hates it so much.”

  She does hate it. Who’s going to protect her now? When she’s really alone.

  “Shhh... it’s alright... it’s okay... look, Journey needs you to be strong. Be the strong boy we raised.”

  He sucked in breaths and I looked down at Journey who was wide awake, peering up at me. She had no idea what was going on. Her eyes reminding me so much of my mom’s.

  “She’s going to a better place, where she won’t be in any pain. Where she still knows who she is and can watch over you,” Dad lied. He didn’t know that.

  No one did.

  “You promise?” Jagger questioned, but I didn’t hear his response.

  Why? Because he knew it was a lie as well.

  “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you too, Jagger. You, Jackson, and Journey were all we ever wanted. I swear to you.”

  Jagger took a deep, long breath, catching his bearings before I saw him walk down the hall. Leaving Dad alone with what was left of his wife.

  His Beauty.

  His whole world was in that room.

  I blinked and I was once again standing by the door to her room. Witnessing him sitting on the edge of her bed, he grabbed her hand.

  And for the first time in my life...

  I watched my hero, lose his battle. The war to let her go.

  He hunched over, laying his head on top of her chest and broke the fuck down. Crying like a newborn baby. My chest pounded and my throat burned, feeling all his love and devotion for her.

  He sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking.

  Tears slid out of my eyes, scared for him.

  For her.

  For us.

  When her hand started lazily rubbing his back, we both suddenly froze. “Beauty?” he rasped, pulling away to look into her eyes.

  There was no expression on her face, no recollection in her stare, but still it felt like she might be there with him.

  “I’m tiiiirrrreeedd.”

  He caressed her pale cheek, “I know, baby, I know.”

  “Slllleeeeepppp nooooooowwww.”

  I shut my eyes, I had to. My chest was caving in on me. My world crumbling down on me.

  In two seconds flat, I was leaning against the wall again, except this time I was sliding down it, holding Journey firmly against my broken heart.

  Unable to hold myself up any longer.

  “Beeeeee heeeeerrrrreeee,” were the last words I ever heard her say.

  “I’ll always be here for you, Bailey. No matter what. It’s always going to be me and you against the world, Bay. Always.”

  I stayed right there.

  I didn’t move an inch.

  Until she took her last breath.

  Until all the machines around her went crazy.

  Until she passed away...

  But it wasn’t until I heard my father murmur, “Take me with you, Bay... please, just take me with you.”

  That I realized I felt the same way.

  Chapter 14

  <>Harley<>

  Then: Eleven years old

  “Would anyone else like to say anything?” the minister asked at Aunt Bailey’s funeral.

  I stood up in the pew and everyone’s eyes turned toward me. Patting down the sides of my black dress, I nodded.

  My eyes quickly connected with Jackson’s stare, who was sittin’ in the front pew, four rows ahead of where my family was seated. Swiftly, I made my way up to the podium down the side aisle of the silent church. The only sound was the clickin’ of my heels clackin’ away underneath me, echoin’ with the rhythm of my fast beatin’ heart.

  I only had one shot at this, I didn’t wanna mess it up. Once I was standin’ in front of everyone, I took a deep breath, peerin’ out over the crowd of tear-soaked faces. Tryin’ to gather my thoughts about what I wanted to say. I didn’t really think this through, all I knew was I had to say somethin’.

  For him.

  The boy I still hated the most.

  Jackson’s dry eyes narrowed in on me, waitin’, anticipatin’ what I possibly had to say at a time like this. I had yet to see him cry, to grieve the loss of the most important person in his life while he sat there holdin’ his baby sister next to Jagger who was a mess. Even after all the kind words everyone was expressin’ about his momma to God and the church filled to the brim with people, he hadn’t shed one tear.

  With my stare directed solely on him, I spoke from the heart. “I’ve known Aunt Bailey since the day I was born. She ain’t blood related, but that didn’t matter. She was my aunt. The Pierces are our family.”

  Jackson held his head up higher, still only focused on me with a blank expression on his face. In that moment, I couldn’t help but notice his black suit made him appear older. He didn’t look like the boy I’d known all my life. More like the man that just lost his mother.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my momma and daddy noddin’ for me to continue.

  “Aunt Bailey was one of a kind. She was beautiful, graceful, smart. Her smile lit up a room, her laugh was contagious, and she always smelled like fresh sunflowers. She was one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. Her love and devotion for her family, her friends, her husband and kids were inspirin’. She was a second mom to us all, it’s just who she was.” I shrugged. “One of the best memories I have with her was when I spent the night at her house cuz Momma was havin’ my baby brother Owen at the hospital. The nightlight I brought with me from my room broke,” I half told the truth.

  Jackson broke it, but I didn’t think it was the right time to remind everyone how much he sucked.

  “The guest bedroom I was sleepin’ in was super dark, and I swear I could hear voices. After findin’ the courage to run outta the room, I ran straight to Aunt Bailey’s bedroom. Knockin’ so hard on the door, I’m surprised it didn’t fall off the hinges. You see, I hate the dark. Even to this day, I’m terrified of dark rooms. I don’t go in them, I don’t sleep in them, to me they don’t exist.”

  Jackson knew that. Why? Cuz Jackson knew everythin’ about me. He made it a point, so he could torture me.

  “When Aunt Bailey opened the door, I jumped into her arms. Wrappin’ them so hard around her, I don’t think she could breathe.” I chuckled, rememberin’ how she instantly hugged me back.

  Jackson’s eyes still hadn’t left my face, as if he was relivin’ that time with me.

  “I had a meltdown, blabberin’ all sorts of things about monsters and Freddy Krueger, and the dude that lives under the bed who’s always tryin’ to get
me.”

  Everyone laughed, and I smiled rememberin’ the night like it happened yesterday and not years ago.

  “Aunt Bailey didn’t make me feel like I was a sissy or a scaredy cat. She told me she was afraid of the dark too. We walked back to my room together, and she stayed with me the whole night, rubbin’ my back and my hair. When I woke up the next mornin’, not only was she still with me, Jackson and Jagger were in the bed as well.”

  I think I saw Jackson’s eyes water, but as quickly as the tears appeared, he blinked them away. Makin’ me think I imagined it.

  “That was the power of Aunt Bailey’s love,” I went on. “It brought people together, naturally gravitatin’ to her. Even if they hated each other.”

  Everyone was cryin’, while I was strugglin’ to hold back the tears, bowin’ my head to keep them from comin’ out.

  “That’s just the kind of woman she was. And I’m gonna miss her very much. She will forever live in my heart, and I know she would be happy we’re celebratin’ her life today and not mournin’ her death.” I steadied my composure before I looked back up.

  Lockin’ eyes with Jackson again.

  His stare never left my face as I made my way over to his father. I wrapped my arms around him, wantin’ him to feel my sadness for them.

  Uncle Aiden kissed the top of my head, whisperin’, “Bailey always said she wanted a baby girl just like you. Journey has big shoes to fill, Harley.”

  I hugged him tighter, and Jagger joined in. Jackson didn’t move from the place he was sittin’.

  Mouthin’, “I still hate you.”

  I paid him no mind, goin’ back to my seat instead. Daddy pulled me into his strong embrace, kissin’ the top of my head too.

  He drawled, “Proud of you, baby.”

  I smiled up at him, and then we continued listenin’ as several people shared a lovin’ memory of Aunt Bailey. Uncle Aiden, Uncle Noah, Aunt Skyler, Jagger...

  While Jackson still didn’t say a word.

  For the rest of the memorial, he just sat there, no expression on his face, no sentiment in his eyes, no emotion whatsoever. Almost like he wasn’t even there.

  “Is Jackson going to be okay?” I asked, walkin’ into the Pierces’ kitchen later that evenin’.

 

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