by M. Robinson
My grief.
My support for him.
Tears slid down the sides of my face as his began to fall too. I’d never seen him cry either, only makin’ this way more intense between us.
Slowly, he knelt in front of me. Gettin’ so close to my face, I could feel his breath against my lips when he rasped, “You know she forgot me first? Out of everyone in her life... out of all your family, all her friends... her kids... my mom forgot me first.”
With a stream of fresh tears, I wept, “Your mom loves you more than anythin’ in this world, Jackson.”
He didn’t hesitate in replyin’, “Sometimes... my mom doesn’t even know who I am. And it’s only going to get worse until she forgets me completely.”
I winced, hearin’ him say that was like a knife to my heart.
“The life my dad worked so hard to give her... the one he fought for... to block out all the bad memories of what happened when they were kids in the system. The life they prayed for, with their two sons and a baby girl, in the house with the white fence and red door, surrounded by sunflowers he put in the ground for her... to make her happy, to make her smile, to make her know she was loved... it doesn’t matter now. None of it does. Not his struggle, not their battle to overcome all the bullshit in their way. Because in the end of her short life, she won’t remember any of it, Harley. Not her, not us, no one. You want me to tell you what happens next?”
I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t say anythin’.
“Her body is going to forget how to work. She won’t be able to walk, to talk, to move... until her heart forgets to beat, her lungs forget to breathe, and her body just shuts down...”
“Jackson...”
“Then, she dies. With nothing. Without even knowing she’s gone and left us all behind. She lived her entire life for nothing, Harley. Do you see? Do you understand now? My mom is going to die, and then I have to spend the rest of my life wondering... waiting for the time, for the year, for the day... I’ll forget everything too.”
I sucked in my lips, tryin’ to keep it together for him. But I couldn’t help myself, I threw my arms around his neck.
Needin’ him to feel my warmth.
My comfort.
My love?
It was all so confusin’. I hated him, but in that moment, it didn’t feel that way.
All I could say was, “I’m so sorry, Jackson. I’m so very sorry.”
He tensed in my arms, but I didn’t care. I hugged him harder, tighter, showin’ him I was there.
For him.
That I’d always be there for him.
<>Jackson<>
I let her hold me.
Hug me.
Be there for me...
Until I couldn’t breathe. Her close presence suffocated me.
“Get off,” I finally gritted through a clenched jaw.
“Jackson, please—”
“I said, get off me!”
She jumped with her arms still around my neck.
Of course, she didn’t listen.
She never fuckin’ listened.
I grabbed ahold of her wrists, tearing her off my body.
Looking into her eyes, I bit, “You got what you came for. Now leave before I make you.”
“Jackson—”
I. Kissed. Her.
My lips smashed right into hers. I did it to shut her up. To silence her.
Right? I kissed her to make her be quiet?
Shoving those stupid thoughts away from my mind, I closed my eyes. Our mouths stayed connected for I don’t know how long, time stood still. I would never tell her this, she would never know...
But it was my first kiss too.
Harley Jameson was my first kiss.
It was only to shut her up. I didn’t love her. I didn’t even like her. I kissed her to shut her loud ass mouth up. No other reason.
I hated her.
With those stupid thoughts again, I pulled away, leaning my forehead against hers. Quickly narrowing my gaze, I stared deep into bright blue eyes that were wide and shining.
Licking my lips, I tasted her tears. They were sweet and salty, just like her.
She was still weeping when she breathed out, “You stole my first kiss.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Cash did. This was my second time trying to steal it.” I abruptly stood up, leaving her there.
Dazed.
Sobbing.
For me.
I always thought the first time I made her cry would be the best feeling in the world, but I was wrong. So very wrong.
I wouldn’t realize this until I was much older, but Harley would eventually become my escape from the lonely life I’d create. This wouldn’t be the first time she saved me.
Except, by the time I figured it out...
How much she meant to me...
It’d be too late.
Chapter 12
<>Harley<>
4-25
Dear Jackson “Rudolph” Pierce,
I hate u more than I did yesterday. Not only did u make me cry, u stole my first kiss. Like the ASSHOLE u are! I paddled over last night to find out what was going on with your momma, and I would never use that against u cuz I ain’t evil like u.
I hope I don’t get a disease from your chapped lips touching mine. I’m just glad it won’t leave a scar like all the other terrible things you’ve done to me. For someone who has probably kissed all the girls in our whole school, U are the worst kisser EVER. I didn’t enjoy it, and I won’t be telling anyone u stole my first kiss.
U need more practice, cuz your lips were hard, not soft, and it hurt when you smacked them into mine. It was not romantic or a memory I will ever look back on.
In my mind, it didn’t happen.
I don’t cry, EVER. I just want u to know I was only crying for your momma, not for u. I don’t cry for bullies, I put them to ground like my daddy.
I’m sorry this is happening to your momma. I love her. I hate it as much as I hate you, and I want ya to know that too.
U suck the biggest balls of them all, Jackson Pierce.
Not love,
Harley
P.S. I stayed up most of the night researching dementia on my laptop. Did u know u can take a test to find out if u carry the gene? Cuz u can. Not that I care if u take it or not. I’m just saying, if u wanted to, it’s there. I printed out all the information for u.
P.S.S. U better not tell anyone u stole my first kiss, or I’ll kick your big sucky balls really hard and u won’t be able to walk right for the entire week.
I HATE YOU.
<>Jackson<>
April 25th
Dear Harley “Gremlin” Jameson,
U should have never come over last night. I didn’t want or need u there. I only kissed u to shut your loud ass mouth up. I wasn’t trying to be romantic, and if u want to pretend like it didn’t happen, then I will just have to kiss u over and over until u remember it. Cuz now it’s just another thing of yours that belongs to me.
The best part of last night was finally seeing u cry. I can’t wait to do it again. Try to kick me in my balls and watch how fast I stick my tongue down your throat. I’ll make sure to eat lots of onions and pickles before too, so you can taste my hatred for u.
Get used to it, Harley. I win. Forever.
With all my hate for u,
Jackson
P.S. Mind your own business. I don’t need u researching anything for me. U really are stupid if u think I’m going to read all that information. All u did was kill a bunch of trees. I have better things to do than listen to a baby girl who is as dumb as she looks.
P.S.S. I already told the football team I stole your first kiss, and the whole school will know by the end of the day. U are mine to hurt and play with. No one else’s. Mine. Not even your stupid Cash McGraw can keep u from me. By the time u read this, your dumbass friends will know it too. I hope Cash realizes that I win, and he loses, always.
I’m the boss.
I. Own. You.
AND I HATE YOU MORE.
<>Harley<>
10-11
Dear Jackson “Asshole” Pierce,
I hate u more today than I did yesterday.
It’s been six months since I found out about your momma. I just wanna know how she’s doing. Can u at least give me that? Aunt Skyler says she’s having more good days than bad. That makes me happy for her and your family.
I don’t feel bad I kicked u in the nuts yesterday, cuz u deserved it for being a shithead. I told u I didn’t want to go swimming in the lake, cuz I just got my hair blow dried by a professional for my birthday party and u didn’t listen or care. Your balls paid the price. I hope u felt them in your stomach. I noticed u couldn’t walk right all day.
You’re welcome. ☺
I can’t wait to do it again.
Not love,
Harley
P.S. If u try to stick your tongue down my throat again, I will tell the whole school u gave me mono and no one will ever kiss you again.
P.S.S. I found more research on the genetic testing and I printed it out for u. I think u should do it. Not cuz I care, but I think it would give your daddy some peace of mind. Do it for him.
I still hate u.
<>Jackson<>
October 12th
Dear Harley “Nosey Ass” Jameson,
How many times do I have to tell u to mind your own business? My mom is not your concern. I don’t want to talk about it, especially with u.
It’s been six months since I stole your first kiss, and I’ve kissed u seven times since. Only because u keep kicking me in my balls. U do it so I will kiss u. I’m not brainless like u are.
And guess what, Toots? One day I will stick my tongue down your throat, u can’t hold it shut forever. I’ll make my way in, and then you’ll be more obsessed with me than u already are.
Besides, u should be thanking me. I pushed u in the lake to do u a favor. U looked weirder than u normally do. U don’t need your hair professionally done and u don’t need makeup, cuz u can’t fix ugly.
You’re welcome. ☺
With all my hate for u,
Jackson
P.S. Your threats mean nothing to me. Tell the school what u want. I’m the quarterback. This town loves me. Including all the girls. They will probably stand in line just so they can say Jackson Pierce gave them mono too.
P.S.S. No amount of research will make me read that information. Stop killing trees, Harley. U don’t know anything, especially what my dad feels.
I still hate u more.
<>Harley<>
7-4
Dear Jackson “The Most Stubborn Boy” Pierce,
There’s a dog at the animal shelter I’m volunteering at this summer, and he reminds me of u. He’s dumb as rocks and eats his own poo. I named him Rudolph cuz he looks exactly like u. Big elf ears and a button nose. He acts like u too. He drools, smells bad, farts, and makes grunting noises when he doesn’t get his way.
See, it’s like I’m talking about u.
He thinks he’s alpha of the pack, and it doesn’t matter how many times I tell him not to be a jerk, he doesn’t listen.
It’s like u guys are twins.
He bit me yesterday cuz I told him no. Sounds familiar, right? I knew you’d agree.
I hope u liked the pink polish I painted on your nails while u were sleeping at the clubhouse this weekend. I think pink is really your color. U should have never dumped my purse on the ground and stepped on all my makeup and my new Jackson Blockers.
I don’t even feel bad I left Rudolph’s poo under your mattress. Jagger said u couldn’t figure out where the shit smell was coming from...
It came from me.
You’re welcome.
Not love,
Harley
P.S. It’s been over a year since u stole my first kiss, and I’ve decided I’m going to kiss Brody at the 4th of July Festival tonight. HE will officially be my FIRST KISS.
Not u.
P.S.S. I can’t wait to kiss him. He likes me, maybe even loves me. He might be my lobster. And I WILL let him stick his tongue down my throat.
P.S.S.S. I overheard your daddy talking to Uncle Noah about how he fucked up. His words, not mine. He said your momma was right there and he hadn’t been with her in months... I don’t understand, but now your momma wants to keep it cuz it will complete your family like they always wanted.
Are you getting a dog? If so, adopt, don’t shop.
<>Jackson<>
July 5th
Dear Harley “Turd Burglar” Jameson,
It sounds like u are finally with your real family. A bunch of stinky ass mutts who don’t know how to control themselves. I hope Rudolph bit u nice and hard. Maybe now you’ll catch rabies and it will fix what’s wrong with u.
Again, I did you a favor. When are u going to thank me? I’m just looking out for the people who have to stare at u wearing makeup, Gremlin. You remember Greta the Gremlin? Well, she looks way better with makeup on than u do.
As for the Jackson Blockers, that was just an added bonus.
By the way, you missed a great time last night at the festival. Sucks your daddy didn’t let u come out. Shiloh said u didn’t understand how your old man found out Brody “likes” u.
It came from me.
You’re so welcome.
With all my hate for u,
Jackson
P.S. It doesn’t matter how many times u tell me I wasn’t your first kiss. I was and there’s nothing u can do to change that.
P.S.S. Brody’s tongue was definitely deep down into Dixie’s throat. He was getting all up in there. I heard they went to second base. Since u don’t even have boobs, I can see why he went for someone who actually looks like a girl.
P.S.S.S. MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.
If I ever do get a dog, it will be purebred and bought from a private breeder. Why? Cuz they’re better. Just like I am compared to u.
<>Harley<>
2-24
Dear Jackson “I still hate you” Pierce,
Congratulations on your new baby sister.
I know it was really hard on your mom and family to have her, but babies are always a blessing. It was what your mom wanted too. Even though the doctors, the specialists, and your daddy said it wasn’t a good idea, she wanted to complete your family.
It’s what mommas do. Their kids always come first, no matter what, and your mom is no different. Aunt Skyler told me your momma said she wanted to leave your daddy with the kids they always wanted. The baby girl they always dreamt about. She thinks God wanted it that way too.
I’m telling u this cuz I know you’re upset Journey's birth is making your mom leave faster, but it’s not her fault. It’s not even your dad’s. It was her choice, Jackson. I saw how much she fought everyone on it. There was no telling her she wasn’t having your baby sister.
Your parents are lobsters. They love each other like Beauty and the Beast. They will forever be soulmates. In case u didn’t know, it’s true. It don’t matter if she’s alive or gone, she will always live in everyone’s hearts.
Please don’t forget that.
I love the name Journey. I got to hold her yesterday. She’s the third baby I’ve ever held, other than my brothers. She’s so tiny and smells so good. I don’t know how she is related to u, cuz she’s awesome and u suck so bad.
I want u to know I still hate u with all my heart and soul. U are evil to the core, Jackson Pierce. But if u ever need someone to talk to or yell at again... I’m here.
Just don’t make me cry or else I’ll teach Journey how to kick u in the nuts, and then u will have two girls that own your balls.
Not love,
Harley
P.S. Your mom is in my thoughts and prayers.
For the first time in over two years, Jackson didn’t write me back. I didn’t realize this until I was older, but what happened next in his life, changed him in ways I never saw comin’.
He went from the boy I
always hated, to the guy I’d eventually...
Fall head over heels in love with.
Chapter 13
<>Jackson<>
Then: Twelve years old
With my brother, our father, and my one-month-old baby sister in my arms, we walked toward the room that had become a home to the woman I know longer knew. There was nothing left of my mother, our mother, his wife.
Journey had taken it all.
I held her tighter, needing her now more than ever before.
The entire time my mom was pregnant, I hated Journey just as much as I did Harley.
However, the second I saw her sleeping in the hospital nursery, I was slapped in the face with the amount of love I immediately felt for her. Except it wasn’t until she was placed against my chest that I felt, that I saw, that I knew...
My mother would live on through her.
Journey Pierce was her legacy, and I instantly understood why she was so adamant about having her. She completed our family, when my mom was tearing it apart.
No warmth.
No happiness.
No mother of our own.
The hallway was long and narrow, making it feel as if we were walking death row. I guess in a way, we were. Nothing would be the same after this.
Not our future.
Not our lives.
Not our hearts.
This was our demise.
Our final goodbye.
To a woman who had already mentally died a few days after giving birth.
Words, tears, feelings wouldn’t change the outcome, and I refused to admit the woman lying there was my mother. She wouldn’t want me to remember her that way. Unrecognizable, a frail person wasting away to nothing as her body began to shut itself down. I had to remember I was doing this for Journey, she deserved to see her one last time.
Although, it was killing me inside.
Each step, each stride, each minute that passed, I lost more and more air, more and more will, more and more life.
Every last part of me hurt, throbbed, ached.
I was there, but I wasn’t.
Possibly losing my mind as well.
My father showed no emotion like a patron of strength, but he didn’t fool me. I knew this was his very worst nightmare playing out in front of him. My mother was his everything.
He would have switched places with her in a second if he could. I knew his truth like I still knew my own name.
