Three One-Act Plays

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Three One-Act Plays Page 7

by Woody Allen

SANDY

  It had nothing to do with you—everything is not always about you.

  HAL

  Was I such an unromantic husband?

  SANDY

  As the years went by you stopped trying.

  HAL

  I became discouraged. You started taking me for granted too.

  SANDY

  All those imaginary characters can be rewritten—their lives erased, begun again—but we've said and done things that can never be erased.

  HAL

  The tragic part is that I love you.

  SANDY

  And I love you, but it's pathetic, not tragic.

  HAL

  If I took that rifle and killed us both I could redeem our infidelities with one grand gesture.

  SANDY

  You're not the type, Hal. Accountants don't commit suicide and find redemption—they usually just vanish and turn up in the Cayman Islands.

  HAL

  What do you want to do?

  SANDY

  What can we do? Sweep the painful aspects of the relationship under the rug and call it forgiveness or get a divorce.

  HAL

  SANDY

  —this was the first room we made love in. Can't we start over?

  SANDY

  Clean starts work better in fiction.

  HAL

  But every life needs a little fiction in it—too much reality is a very nasty thing.

  SANDY

  Maybe now that everything's out in the open … What's that honking sound?

  HAL

  (to window)

  Look at all those geese.

  SANDY

  (joining him)

  My goodness—we never had geese when we lived here.

  HAL

  It's a symbol.

  SANDY

  Of what?

  HAL

  Of a fresh start—of geese where geese never were. Today was a day full of symbols—full of writing, of characters, of literature. The poet that beats 'neath the breast of this accountant came out and I helped Max Krolian write a warm ending to his play— only you and I remained unresolved, undecided and confused —we were looking for some sign—some way to recapture the music in our relationship and then—the honking of the geese—

  SANDY

  And you see it as a symbol.

  HAL

  Don't you see, Sandy? Can't you see what they're trying to tell us? Don't you know one simple fact about geese? Geese mate forever.

  SANDY

  Do geese have affairs?

  HAL

  If they do they work it out somehow—it's all in nature's design.

  SANDY

  Could it really be my husband is a poet trapped in the body of a CPA?

  (Sound of geese honking, and music rises.)

  Kiss.

  FADE OUT

  WRITER'S BLOCK

  CENTRAL PARK WEST

  The Central Park West apartment of Phyllis and Sam Riggs. It is spacious with dark woods and books. They live there, and it also is where Phyllis practices her psychoanalysis. The layout enables a patient to enter the front door and privately wait, then privately go into the inner sanctum for his or her session. What we see predominantly is the large living room and the front door, a set of doors leading to other rooms.

  It is about 6:00 P.M.on a November Saturday. No one is onstage as we hear ringing at the door and, since it receives no response, knocking. The knocking continues through the following dialogue.

  CAROL

  (offstage)

  Phyllis? Phyllis?

  (Phyllis enters from SR fully dressed. She sits on the SR end of the sofa.)

  Phyllis! It's Carol.

  PHYLLIS

  I'm coming.

  CAROL

  Are you OK?

  PHYLLIS

  I'm soaking wet. You caught me in the shower.

  (Phyllis crosses US to bar. Pours a drink. Downs it. More door buzzing and knocking from Carol.)

  All right. I'm dressed.

  (Phyllis crosses US to front door and opens it to let Carol in.)

  CAROL

  Are you all right?

  PHYLLIS

  No details, please.

  CAROL

  No details of what?

  PHYLLIS

  I said let's not get into it.

  CAROL

  Is everyone OK?

  PHYLLIS

  Everyone? You mean in the third-world countries too?

  CAROL

  The third-world countries?

  PHYLLIS

  You mean like Zimbabwe?

  CAROL

  Did something happen in Africa?

  PHYLLIS

  My God—you're so literal—it's such a curse to be literal. A waste of wit—all my jokes and little ironies go straight down the toilet.

  CAROL

  What's going on?

  PHYLLIS

  The reference to third-world countries is a one-liner meant to lighten imperceptibly the pain of this all-too-human tragedy we are faced with.

  CAROL

  What tragedy?

  PHYLLIS

  Please—I would hardly call this a tragedy.

  CAROL

  How long have you been drinking?

  PHYLLIS

  Long enough to achieve a state of one with nature—or put another way—a drunken stupor. What's the difference between sushi and pussy?

  CAROL

  Phyllis—

  PHYLLIS

  Rice. One of my patients told it to me. Don't try and deconstruct it, Carol—it's a phenomenon too abstract for your thought process—it's called humor.

  CAROL

  I'll make some coffee.

  PHYLLIS

  Only if you want it. I'm content to stay with my special hyperdry martini—all gin and I lightly say the word “vermouth.”

  CAROL

  What happened?

  PHYLLIS

  What are you accusing me of?

  CAROL

  What is the emergency?

  PHYLLIS

  What emergency?

  CAROL

  The message on my service.

  PHYLLIS

  (noticing her garment)

  Where'd you get that?

  CAROL

  That what?

  PHYLLIS

  Not them there eyes, honey—the coat.

  CAROL

  This coat?

  PHYLLIS

  Now you got it.

  CAROL

  You've seen this coat a hundred times.

  PHYLLIS

  I have?

  CAROL

  Including yesterday.

  PHYLLIS

  One of my patients was wearing this fur coat—OK? Made up of many skins.

  CAROL

  What's the emergency?

  PHYLLIS

  And these acned fanatics accosted her right on Fifth Avenue. Those ones who would bomb all furriers—and they started harassing her and then some of the antivivisectionists or whatever they are got physical and they pulled her coat off and underneath she was stark naked.

  CAROL

  Why?

  PHYLLIS

  Because she's a whore. She's a high-priced whore and I've been treating her for research on my book and she was on an outcall to a guy who wanted a woman to knock on his door in a fur coat and nothing under it. So there she was on Fifth Avenue and Fifty-seventh Street with her fur coat on the pavement and her body exposed for all New York to enjoy—a medley of beavers. Now, where were we?

  CAROL

  Is Sam all right?

  PHYLLIS

  No details, please.

  CAROL

  Is he?

  PHYLLIS

  He's fine. The worst threat to Sam's health in his fifty years has been one case of chapped lips.

  CAROL

  And the boys?

  PHYLLIS

  Away—away down south in the land of cotton—

  CAROL

&nbs
p; And there's no problem with them at school?

  PHYLLIS

  They don't cotton to it—and the university doesn't cotton to them. God, there's so much cotton here my mouth is dry.

  (She pours a drink.)

  CAROL

  Why are you so distraught?

  PHYLLIS

  Distraught? I haven't even reacted yet—this is nothing—you got that? Nothing—nada—zilch—where'd you get that coat?

  CAROL

  Bloomingdale's. Last year.

  PHYLLIS

  And you wear it a lot?

  CAROL

  All the time.

  PHYLLIS

  What animal?

  CAROL

  It's a good old Republican cloth coat. Now, why did you leave that hysterical message?

  PHYLLIS

  I'd rather not discuss it.

  CAROL

  You'd rather not discuss it? I get this frantic, desperate message—emergency, crisis—help. I called you ten times.

  PHYLLIS

  Was that you?

  CAROL

  It sure was.

  PHYLLIS

  Usually I can tell your ring. It's tremulous and tentative.

  CAROL

  Where's Sam? What's wrong?

  PHYLLIS

  I don't want to tell you.

  CAROL

  Why'd you call me?

  PHYLLIS

  Because I have to talk to someone.

  CAROL

  So talk.

  PHYLLIS

  Can we not discuss it?

  CAROL

  Phyllis—

  PHYLLIS

  Can't you see I'm being evasive?

  CAROL

  Why?

  PHYLLIS

  I'm sorry if I inconvenienced you.

  CAROL

  You didn't.

  PHYLLIS

  Did you and Howard have plans?

  CAROL

  No. I was at Sotheby's.

  PHYLLIS

  What'd you get?

  CAROL

  Nothing. They're auctioning off baseball cards and Howard wanted to see them and it's the last day.

  PHYLLIS

  So you two did have plans.

  CAROL

  No, because Howard couldn't go because today is the day he had to drive his father to Westchester and put him in the home.

  PHYLLIS

  How sad.

  CAROL

  He's ninety-three—he had a good life—or maybe it was a lousy life—but a long one. And he never had any health problems or so they thought, except what they didn't know was that he was having a long series of silent strokes and soon he started forgetting things, then hearing musical sounds, and finally he tried to reenlist in the army.

  PHYLLIS

  Howard must be devastated.

  CAROL

  (looking at her watch)

  I left a message for him to meet me here. So what's going on?

  PHYLLIS

  Look how she probes.

  CAROL

  Stop it. You called me.

  PHYLLIS

  But you always probe—you're always fishing for information.

  CAROL

  How am I fishing? You call and say it's life and death. I—

  PHYLLIS

  (softly)

  I'm ashamed to tell you what happened, Carol.

  CAROL

  (realizing for the first time the broken statuette)

  Hey—your fertility statue is broken—the penis came off.

  PHYLLIS

  That's OK—I'll just bring it to my penis repairman.

  CAROL

  In fact, the place looks a little in disarray.

  PHYLLIS

  Aren't you observant.

  CAROL

  What'd you do, get robbed?

  PHYLLIS

  On the other hand, I did fail to notice that drop-dead cloth coat from Bloomingdale's after repeated exposure to it. What color is that coat? Puce?

  CAROL

  It's yellowish.

  PHYLLIS

  It's puce.

  CAROL

  OK, it's puce.

  PHYLLIS

  You should never wear puce. It doesn't go with hazel eyes.

  CAROL

  I don't have hazel eyes.

  PHYLLIS

  One of them is—the one that looks off that way—

  CAROL

  Stop being evil, Phyllis. Did you have a fight with Sam?

  PHYLLIS

  Not exactly—

  CAROL

  Meaning? God, this is like pulling teeth.

  PHYLLIS

  Your teeth are good. The caps were worth every penny.

  CAROL

  (dryly)

  Thank you.

  PHYLLIS

  Now, the chin tuck on the other hand …

  CAROL

  You didn't have a fight with Sam?

  PHYLLIS

  Yes, I did—

  CAROL

  You said, not exactly—

  PHYLLIS

  Not exactly what?

  CAROL

  Not exactly a fight—I said, did you and Sam have a fight and you said—

  PHYLLIS

  I did, Sam did not.

  CAROL

  What did Sam do while you were fighting?

  PHYLLIS

  He watched me fight.

  CAROL

  And then?

  PHYLLIS

  And then he ducked—

  CAROL

  You hit him?

  PHYLLIS

  I missed him—I threw this statue at him in a desperate attempt to become a widow.

  CAROL

  My God—

  PHYLLIS

  Would you like another drink?

  CAROL

  What happened?

  PHYLLIS

  Oh, Carol—Carol—Carol—Carol—friend Carol.

  CAROL

  I think I am going to need that drink.

  PHYLLIS

  He left me.

  CAROL

  He did?

  PHYLLIS

  Yes.

  CAROL

  How do you know?

  PHYLLIS

  How do I know? How do I know he left me? Because he walked out the door with his belongings and he's getting a divorce.

  CAROL

  I have to sit down—my legs are weak.

  PHYLLIS

  Your legs are weak?

  CAROL

  What reason did he give?

  PHYLLIS

  He doesn't love me—he doesn't like to be around me—it gives him the dry heaves to imagine himself going through the joyless choreography of sex with me anymore. Those are the vague reasons he gives, but I think he's just being polite. I think he really doesn't like my cooking.

  CAROL

  Out of left field.

  PHYLLIS

  Well, to me it was out of left field but I'm not perceptive—I'm just an analyst.

  CAROL

  He never said anything—or hinted?

  PHYLLIS

  He never said anything—but that was probably because we never spoke.

  CAROL

  Well, Phyllis—

  PHYLLIS

  I mean, we spoke—it wasn't just “pass the salt,” although that came up once in a while too.

  CAROL

  You must have had conversations where he indicated something—

  PHYLLIS

  Let me put it to you this way—we both spoke but at the same time. What I mean is, there were two speakers but no listeners.

  CAROL

  Failure to communicate.

  PHYLLIS

  God, Carol, how you cut right to the heart of things.

  CAROL

  Well, it should have told you something.

  PHYLLIS

  It did.

  CAROL

  Well, what?

  PHYLLIS

  I don't know, I wasn't listening, I was ta
lking.

  CAROL

  And the sex began to fall off.

  PHYLLIS

  How did you know?

  CAROL

  I didn't, I'm assuming.

  PHYLLIS

  Well, don't assume. People can stop communicating verbally and the sex can still be ferocious.

  CAROL

  OK—so the sex was great.

  PHYLLIS

  Great? It was better than great—it gave him the dry heaves.

  CAROL

  Somewhere along the line the lovemaking slips away—but that's only because something deeper has already slipped away. Or is it the other way around? The sex goes and then everything else loses all its luster. The point is—everything is ephemeral.

  PHYLLIS

  Is it, Carol?

  CAROL

  Oh—I don't know—you're asking the wrong person.

  PHYLLIS

  I don't remember asking.

  CAROL

  So he didn't say anything other than he was leaving?

  PHYLLIS

  Like what?

  CAROL

  Anything?

  PHYLLIS

  Yeah, he said even though it wasn't part of our prenuptial agreement, he'd go on paying for my delivery of the Sunday Times.

  CAROL

  But he didn't say where he was going?

  PHYLLIS

  (something setting in)

  I'm beginning to react to it now.

  CAROL

  Phyllis, you've been reacting—

  PHYLLIS

  No—reacting would be if I took all these important papers—all his work which he still needs and did this to them.

  (tears them up)

  That would be a reaction, but I'm not a spiteful person—I'm not vengeful, I'm generous and mature.

  CAROL

  Take it easy!

  (Phyllis crosses to Sam's briefcase on coffee table. She dumps out the contents and throws the briefcase across the stage.)

  PHYLLIS

  (as she tears up strewn documents)

  We were just talking about redoing the house in Amagansett. I said, we haven't touched it since we first bought it—I said, let's get Paul and Cindi's architect and redo it all—he said, Phyllis, I want to talk to you—I said, the house is so well situated on the bay and we've had such good times there—he said, Phyllis, I don't know how to tell you this but I want out—I didn't hear him—it was one of those conversations where nobody listens— I said, we always wanted picture windows and a bigger bathroom—he said, Phyllis, I'm leaving you—and I said, with one of those showers with many spigots that spray you from all sides—and he grabbed me and said, Phyllis, I don't love you anymore—I want a new life—I want out, I want out,I want out ! And I said, what color should we paint the guest room?

  CAROL

  What did he say?

  PHYLLIS

  He didn't say anything, he began shaking me around the neck and after about three minutes of shaking I began to realize he was trying to tell me something.

  CAROL

  Exactly what did he tell you?

  PHYLLIS

  He said, I'm in love with another woman.

  (Carol coughs and nearly gags on her drink.)

 

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