by Woody Allen
SANDY
It had nothing to do with you—everything is not always about you.
HAL
Was I such an unromantic husband?
SANDY
As the years went by you stopped trying.
HAL
I became discouraged. You started taking me for granted too.
SANDY
All those imaginary characters can be rewritten—their lives erased, begun again—but we've said and done things that can never be erased.
HAL
The tragic part is that I love you.
SANDY
And I love you, but it's pathetic, not tragic.
HAL
If I took that rifle and killed us both I could redeem our infidelities with one grand gesture.
SANDY
You're not the type, Hal. Accountants don't commit suicide and find redemption—they usually just vanish and turn up in the Cayman Islands.
HAL
What do you want to do?
SANDY
What can we do? Sweep the painful aspects of the relationship under the rug and call it forgiveness or get a divorce.
HAL
SANDY
—this was the first room we made love in. Can't we start over?
SANDY
Clean starts work better in fiction.
HAL
But every life needs a little fiction in it—too much reality is a very nasty thing.
SANDY
Maybe now that everything's out in the open … What's that honking sound?
HAL
(to window)
Look at all those geese.
SANDY
(joining him)
My goodness—we never had geese when we lived here.
HAL
It's a symbol.
SANDY
Of what?
HAL
Of a fresh start—of geese where geese never were. Today was a day full of symbols—full of writing, of characters, of literature. The poet that beats 'neath the breast of this accountant came out and I helped Max Krolian write a warm ending to his play— only you and I remained unresolved, undecided and confused —we were looking for some sign—some way to recapture the music in our relationship and then—the honking of the geese—
SANDY
And you see it as a symbol.
HAL
Don't you see, Sandy? Can't you see what they're trying to tell us? Don't you know one simple fact about geese? Geese mate forever.
SANDY
Do geese have affairs?
HAL
If they do they work it out somehow—it's all in nature's design.
SANDY
Could it really be my husband is a poet trapped in the body of a CPA?
(Sound of geese honking, and music rises.)
Kiss.
FADE OUT
WRITER'S BLOCK
CENTRAL PARK WEST
The Central Park West apartment of Phyllis and Sam Riggs. It is spacious with dark woods and books. They live there, and it also is where Phyllis practices her psychoanalysis. The layout enables a patient to enter the front door and privately wait, then privately go into the inner sanctum for his or her session. What we see predominantly is the large living room and the front door, a set of doors leading to other rooms.
It is about 6:00 P.M.on a November Saturday. No one is onstage as we hear ringing at the door and, since it receives no response, knocking. The knocking continues through the following dialogue.
CAROL
(offstage)
Phyllis? Phyllis?
(Phyllis enters from SR fully dressed. She sits on the SR end of the sofa.)
Phyllis! It's Carol.
PHYLLIS
I'm coming.
CAROL
Are you OK?
PHYLLIS
I'm soaking wet. You caught me in the shower.
(Phyllis crosses US to bar. Pours a drink. Downs it. More door buzzing and knocking from Carol.)
All right. I'm dressed.
(Phyllis crosses US to front door and opens it to let Carol in.)
CAROL
Are you all right?
PHYLLIS
No details, please.
CAROL
No details of what?
PHYLLIS
I said let's not get into it.
CAROL
Is everyone OK?
PHYLLIS
Everyone? You mean in the third-world countries too?
CAROL
The third-world countries?
PHYLLIS
You mean like Zimbabwe?
CAROL
Did something happen in Africa?
PHYLLIS
My God—you're so literal—it's such a curse to be literal. A waste of wit—all my jokes and little ironies go straight down the toilet.
CAROL
What's going on?
PHYLLIS
The reference to third-world countries is a one-liner meant to lighten imperceptibly the pain of this all-too-human tragedy we are faced with.
CAROL
What tragedy?
PHYLLIS
Please—I would hardly call this a tragedy.
CAROL
How long have you been drinking?
PHYLLIS
Long enough to achieve a state of one with nature—or put another way—a drunken stupor. What's the difference between sushi and pussy?
CAROL
Phyllis—
PHYLLIS
Rice. One of my patients told it to me. Don't try and deconstruct it, Carol—it's a phenomenon too abstract for your thought process—it's called humor.
CAROL
I'll make some coffee.
PHYLLIS
Only if you want it. I'm content to stay with my special hyperdry martini—all gin and I lightly say the word “vermouth.”
CAROL
What happened?
PHYLLIS
What are you accusing me of?
CAROL
What is the emergency?
PHYLLIS
What emergency?
CAROL
The message on my service.
PHYLLIS
(noticing her garment)
Where'd you get that?
CAROL
That what?
PHYLLIS
Not them there eyes, honey—the coat.
CAROL
This coat?
PHYLLIS
Now you got it.
CAROL
You've seen this coat a hundred times.
PHYLLIS
I have?
CAROL
Including yesterday.
PHYLLIS
One of my patients was wearing this fur coat—OK? Made up of many skins.
CAROL
What's the emergency?
PHYLLIS
And these acned fanatics accosted her right on Fifth Avenue. Those ones who would bomb all furriers—and they started harassing her and then some of the antivivisectionists or whatever they are got physical and they pulled her coat off and underneath she was stark naked.
CAROL
Why?
PHYLLIS
Because she's a whore. She's a high-priced whore and I've been treating her for research on my book and she was on an outcall to a guy who wanted a woman to knock on his door in a fur coat and nothing under it. So there she was on Fifth Avenue and Fifty-seventh Street with her fur coat on the pavement and her body exposed for all New York to enjoy—a medley of beavers. Now, where were we?
CAROL
Is Sam all right?
PHYLLIS
No details, please.
CAROL
Is he?
PHYLLIS
He's fine. The worst threat to Sam's health in his fifty years has been one case of chapped lips.
CAROL
And the boys?
PHYLLIS
Away—away down south in the land of cotton—
CAROL
&nbs
p; And there's no problem with them at school?
PHYLLIS
They don't cotton to it—and the university doesn't cotton to them. God, there's so much cotton here my mouth is dry.
(She pours a drink.)
CAROL
Why are you so distraught?
PHYLLIS
Distraught? I haven't even reacted yet—this is nothing—you got that? Nothing—nada—zilch—where'd you get that coat?
CAROL
Bloomingdale's. Last year.
PHYLLIS
And you wear it a lot?
CAROL
All the time.
PHYLLIS
What animal?
CAROL
It's a good old Republican cloth coat. Now, why did you leave that hysterical message?
PHYLLIS
I'd rather not discuss it.
CAROL
You'd rather not discuss it? I get this frantic, desperate message—emergency, crisis—help. I called you ten times.
PHYLLIS
Was that you?
CAROL
It sure was.
PHYLLIS
Usually I can tell your ring. It's tremulous and tentative.
CAROL
Where's Sam? What's wrong?
PHYLLIS
I don't want to tell you.
CAROL
Why'd you call me?
PHYLLIS
Because I have to talk to someone.
CAROL
So talk.
PHYLLIS
Can we not discuss it?
CAROL
Phyllis—
PHYLLIS
Can't you see I'm being evasive?
CAROL
Why?
PHYLLIS
I'm sorry if I inconvenienced you.
CAROL
You didn't.
PHYLLIS
Did you and Howard have plans?
CAROL
No. I was at Sotheby's.
PHYLLIS
What'd you get?
CAROL
Nothing. They're auctioning off baseball cards and Howard wanted to see them and it's the last day.
PHYLLIS
So you two did have plans.
CAROL
No, because Howard couldn't go because today is the day he had to drive his father to Westchester and put him in the home.
PHYLLIS
How sad.
CAROL
He's ninety-three—he had a good life—or maybe it was a lousy life—but a long one. And he never had any health problems or so they thought, except what they didn't know was that he was having a long series of silent strokes and soon he started forgetting things, then hearing musical sounds, and finally he tried to reenlist in the army.
PHYLLIS
Howard must be devastated.
CAROL
(looking at her watch)
I left a message for him to meet me here. So what's going on?
PHYLLIS
Look how she probes.
CAROL
Stop it. You called me.
PHYLLIS
But you always probe—you're always fishing for information.
CAROL
How am I fishing? You call and say it's life and death. I—
PHYLLIS
(softly)
I'm ashamed to tell you what happened, Carol.
CAROL
(realizing for the first time the broken statuette)
Hey—your fertility statue is broken—the penis came off.
PHYLLIS
That's OK—I'll just bring it to my penis repairman.
CAROL
In fact, the place looks a little in disarray.
PHYLLIS
Aren't you observant.
CAROL
What'd you do, get robbed?
PHYLLIS
On the other hand, I did fail to notice that drop-dead cloth coat from Bloomingdale's after repeated exposure to it. What color is that coat? Puce?
CAROL
It's yellowish.
PHYLLIS
It's puce.
CAROL
OK, it's puce.
PHYLLIS
You should never wear puce. It doesn't go with hazel eyes.
CAROL
I don't have hazel eyes.
PHYLLIS
One of them is—the one that looks off that way—
CAROL
Stop being evil, Phyllis. Did you have a fight with Sam?
PHYLLIS
Not exactly—
CAROL
Meaning? God, this is like pulling teeth.
PHYLLIS
Your teeth are good. The caps were worth every penny.
CAROL
(dryly)
Thank you.
PHYLLIS
Now, the chin tuck on the other hand …
CAROL
You didn't have a fight with Sam?
PHYLLIS
Yes, I did—
CAROL
You said, not exactly—
PHYLLIS
Not exactly what?
CAROL
Not exactly a fight—I said, did you and Sam have a fight and you said—
PHYLLIS
I did, Sam did not.
CAROL
What did Sam do while you were fighting?
PHYLLIS
He watched me fight.
CAROL
And then?
PHYLLIS
And then he ducked—
CAROL
You hit him?
PHYLLIS
I missed him—I threw this statue at him in a desperate attempt to become a widow.
CAROL
My God—
PHYLLIS
Would you like another drink?
CAROL
What happened?
PHYLLIS
Oh, Carol—Carol—Carol—Carol—friend Carol.
CAROL
I think I am going to need that drink.
PHYLLIS
He left me.
CAROL
He did?
PHYLLIS
Yes.
CAROL
How do you know?
PHYLLIS
How do I know? How do I know he left me? Because he walked out the door with his belongings and he's getting a divorce.
CAROL
I have to sit down—my legs are weak.
PHYLLIS
Your legs are weak?
CAROL
What reason did he give?
PHYLLIS
He doesn't love me—he doesn't like to be around me—it gives him the dry heaves to imagine himself going through the joyless choreography of sex with me anymore. Those are the vague reasons he gives, but I think he's just being polite. I think he really doesn't like my cooking.
CAROL
Out of left field.
PHYLLIS
Well, to me it was out of left field but I'm not perceptive—I'm just an analyst.
CAROL
He never said anything—or hinted?
PHYLLIS
He never said anything—but that was probably because we never spoke.
CAROL
Well, Phyllis—
PHYLLIS
I mean, we spoke—it wasn't just “pass the salt,” although that came up once in a while too.
CAROL
You must have had conversations where he indicated something—
PHYLLIS
Let me put it to you this way—we both spoke but at the same time. What I mean is, there were two speakers but no listeners.
CAROL
Failure to communicate.
PHYLLIS
God, Carol, how you cut right to the heart of things.
CAROL
Well, it should have told you something.
PHYLLIS
It did.
CAROL
Well, what?
PHYLLIS
I don't know, I wasn't listening, I was ta
lking.
CAROL
And the sex began to fall off.
PHYLLIS
How did you know?
CAROL
I didn't, I'm assuming.
PHYLLIS
Well, don't assume. People can stop communicating verbally and the sex can still be ferocious.
CAROL
OK—so the sex was great.
PHYLLIS
Great? It was better than great—it gave him the dry heaves.
CAROL
Somewhere along the line the lovemaking slips away—but that's only because something deeper has already slipped away. Or is it the other way around? The sex goes and then everything else loses all its luster. The point is—everything is ephemeral.
PHYLLIS
Is it, Carol?
CAROL
Oh—I don't know—you're asking the wrong person.
PHYLLIS
I don't remember asking.
CAROL
So he didn't say anything other than he was leaving?
PHYLLIS
Like what?
CAROL
Anything?
PHYLLIS
Yeah, he said even though it wasn't part of our prenuptial agreement, he'd go on paying for my delivery of the Sunday Times.
CAROL
But he didn't say where he was going?
PHYLLIS
(something setting in)
I'm beginning to react to it now.
CAROL
Phyllis, you've been reacting—
PHYLLIS
No—reacting would be if I took all these important papers—all his work which he still needs and did this to them.
(tears them up)
That would be a reaction, but I'm not a spiteful person—I'm not vengeful, I'm generous and mature.
CAROL
Take it easy!
(Phyllis crosses to Sam's briefcase on coffee table. She dumps out the contents and throws the briefcase across the stage.)
PHYLLIS
(as she tears up strewn documents)
We were just talking about redoing the house in Amagansett. I said, we haven't touched it since we first bought it—I said, let's get Paul and Cindi's architect and redo it all—he said, Phyllis, I want to talk to you—I said, the house is so well situated on the bay and we've had such good times there—he said, Phyllis, I don't know how to tell you this but I want out—I didn't hear him—it was one of those conversations where nobody listens— I said, we always wanted picture windows and a bigger bathroom—he said, Phyllis, I'm leaving you—and I said, with one of those showers with many spigots that spray you from all sides—and he grabbed me and said, Phyllis, I don't love you anymore—I want a new life—I want out, I want out,I want out ! And I said, what color should we paint the guest room?
CAROL
What did he say?
PHYLLIS
He didn't say anything, he began shaking me around the neck and after about three minutes of shaking I began to realize he was trying to tell me something.
CAROL
Exactly what did he tell you?
PHYLLIS
He said, I'm in love with another woman.
(Carol coughs and nearly gags on her drink.)
