by Woody Allen
PHYLLIS
Are you OK? Or do I have to do the Heimlich maneuver?
CAROL
Did he say who she was?
PHYLLIS
I have a patient who gagged on a fish bone at Le Bernardin and a stranger came up behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver on her and it aroused her—and now wherever she dines, she gags—
CAROL
Did he say who he was leaving you for?
PHYLLIS
Why do you look so uncomfortable?
CAROL
I'm not—although I am beginning to feel this drink.
PHYLLIS
At first I thought it was Anne Dreyfuss.
CAROL
Anne Dreyfuss? The decorator?
PHYLLIS
She likes all the stuff he likes—boating, the woods, skiing—
CAROL
He'd never take up with Anne Dreyfuss.
PHYLLIS
How do you know?
CAROL
What do you mean, how do I know? I know Sam too.
PHYLLIS
Not as well as me.
CAROL
I didn't say that. I mean, we're all friends for years.
PHYLLIS
How many years?
CAROL
Five—almost six—what has that got to do with anything? I can't see Sam with Anne Dreyfuss. She's a whiner—with a very annoying personality and if I may say so, no fanny.
PHYLLIS
I thought also it might be Nonny—the girl in his law firm. She's a partner now …
CAROL
I don't know Nonny—what's she like?
PHYLLIS
Buxom and cute. With an erotic overbite. It's not Nonny.
CAROL
The point is you obviously don't know who he's gone off with.
PHYLLIS
The point is I do. Or at least I think I figured it out.
CAROL
You know, I really don't feel well.
PHYLLIS
Gee you're pale—either pale or puce.
CAROL
I can't drink. I feel queasy.
PHYLLIS
You're probably motion sick—from squirming.
CAROL
I'm nauseated.
PHYLLIS
Nauseating?
CAROL
Nauseated.
PHYLLIS
(crosses out to get Compazine)
I may have some Compazine suppositories, but I'm not sure I have extra-large.
CAROL
(alone, she secretly picks up the phone, dials)
Hello? B18—any messages? … Yes … Howard … what time? … OK. Anything else?
(tense and interested)
Yes? Did he say what number he'd be at? What time? OK, OK …
(She hangs up.)
PHYLLIS
(entering from USL)
I found this Bergdorf's bag, so if you suddenly barf it'll be into familiar surroundings. Who'd you call?
CAROL
Call?
PHYLLIS
Yes, the second I left the room you dove for the instrument like you were going down on Cary Grant.
CAROL
Look, I like to check my service because Howard's had a bad day …
PHYLLIS
Can we get back to who my husband left me for?
CAROL
Maybe if I had some coffee.
PHYLLIS
I figured out who it was.
CAROL
It's none of my business.
PHYLLIS
Sure it is—
CAROL
It's not—I'm sorry it happened—my head is swimming.
PHYLLIS
Know who it is?
CAROL
Please, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
It's you, you bitch!
CAROL
Oh—the arrant paranoia!
PHYLLIS
Don't give me that, toots—he's been dipping his wick in you for longer than I probably think.
CAROL
You're nuts—get a grip on yourself.
PHYLLIS
You're gonna have to come clean anyhow—if you want to go off with him. It's a nice little fillip for Howard—first Dad in the laughing academy and then a Dear John letter from the little woman.
CAROL
You know, I'm so turned around that I can't even respond to this well.
PHYLLIS
Have you been having an affair with Sam?
CAROL
No.
PHYLLIS
Just tell me.
CAROL
No.
PHYLLIS
I just want the truth.
CAROL
I have not—you're such a bully.
PHYLLIS
I figured it out, harlot. You've been phoning each other, meeting secretly, traveling together—
CAROL
I won't sit here and be accused—
(She rises but, still woozy, she sits.)
PHYLLIS
Now—after the fact—I remember so many obvious things— the looks across the table—the getting lost together on the trip to Normandy. Howard and I looked for two hours—and the night you ate here and Sam went downstairs to put you in a cab—I'm sitting in bed for an hour and a half while he decides to walk you home—you know, as I speak it's occurring to me that three years ago—three fucking years ago—you and Sam were in New York for a week with Howard in L.A. and me at a convention in Philadelphia—that was three years ago, or does it go back even further than that?
CAROL
It's not me!
PHYLLIS
I found his Filofax. You're all over it!
CAROL
(rises, screams and cries)
What do you want me to do? We fell in love! You're such a bully!
PHYLLIS
Chrrrist!
CAROL
Bully! Bully! We fell in love—nobody planned it—nobody wanted to hurt anyone.
PHYLLIS
I knew it—from the night we met the two of you in the Hamptons. I said she's trouble—she's a troubled broad—she reeks from problems—neurosis oozes out of every pore—
CAROL
This affair has caused us nothing but anguish and pain.
PHYLLIS
Not to mention an occasional orgasm.
CAROL
Don't dirty it up—it's not what you think.
PHYLLIS
I said that first night when we drove home—he seems nice— a little lost but decent—but she's borderline and carnivorous.
CAROL
Stop being so judgmental—you know from your work these things happen—it's nature—it's like lightning—two people meet—a spark flares up and suddenly there's a life of its own.
PHYLLIS
You're describing Frankenstein.
CAROL
It's serious, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
How long has this been going on? Three years? More? Four? Five?
CAROL
Not even three.
PHYLLIS
So, two? Two years you two have been sneaking around town like dogs in heat?
CAROL
We haven't been sneaking around town—we have an apartment.
PHYLLIS
An apartment? Where?
CAROL
The East Fifties—
PHYLLIS
How big?
CAROL
Small—
PHYLLIS
What?
CAROL
Three rooms.
PHYLLIS
Rent-controlled?
CAROL
Stop being snotty—we're trying to communicate—
PHYLLIS
What do you need three rooms for? You entertain?
CAROL
Never. Never. I swear. It's just a place to go to, to be alone—to relax—to—to—to talk—
PHYLLIS
To talk—to exchange ideas. To exchange fluids.
CAROL
We're in love, Phyllis—oh God—I never thought I'd be saying this—it's—everything—yes, it's sensual, but it's more—we share feelings and dreams.
PHYLLIS
Why did I let you into my life—I knew all the time you'd fuck a snake if they held its head.
CAROL
Phyllis, what do you want me to say? He fell out of love with you years ago. I don't know why. Certainly not over me. It was finished in his mind between you two before he ever said anything to me.
PHYLLIS
How did he first do it?
CAROL
Do what?
PHYLLIS
When? What night?
CAROL
What's the difference?
PHYLLIS
You probed—I want answers.
CAROL
New Year's Eve at Lou Stein's party.
PHYLLIS
Oh my God—that was 1990.
CAROL
'91—er, '90, right …
PHYLLIS
And what happened? Who groped whom first?
CAROL
That wasn't it. He came over to me—I was watching the fireworks—and he whispered in my ear—can you meet me for lunch next week without mentioning anything to Phyllis. Well, you can imagine, I was a bit surprised.
PHYLLIS
I'm sure. You probably started to lubricate.
CAROL
I said, Why? He said, I need your help on something.
PHYLLIS
And where was I when this adolescent bullshit was going on?
CAROL
You had led a group against their wills out onto the terrace, in the five-degree temperature, to watch the fireworks. And Howard was in the kitchen getting the Steins' recipe for baba ghanoush.
PHYLLIS
Yes—I remember—your husband had just enrolled in a cooking course and we were all so proud of him.
CAROL
And I said, what kind of help? With what? And Sam said, Phyllis's birthday is soon and I want you to help me get her something, but it has to be something special.
PHYLLIS
And it was, folks.
CAROL
So the following Thursday we had lunch at his club and pitched some gift ideas back and forth. And after lunch we went on our shop— I remember going to Bergdorf's and Tiffany's and James Robinson and finally in this tiny old antique store on First Avenue we found a stunning pair of art deco earrings— diamonds with tiny rubies—
PHYLLIS
I know the earrings. I've seen them on you.
CAROL
Well, I was flabbergasted. He bought them, and we walked out on the street and he handed the box to me and said, Here, I want you so badly.
PHYLLIS
And what did you say?
CAROL
I said, Whoa—wait a minute—we came to buy Phyllis a birthday present—if I take this we have to at least pick out something for her.
PHYLLIS
Thanks, you're such a doll. So I wound up with those stinking silver candlesticks.
CAROL
They cost a fortune.
PHYLLIS
They're old-lady candlesticks—they're something you'd give Miss Havisham! And of course you never thought of saying— Phyllis is your wife and I'm her friend—
CAROL
May I tell you why not?
PHYLLIS
I know why not, you cheap little tart—because you had your predatory sights set on Sam from the minute you met him.
CAROL
Not so—
PHYLLIS
Don't give me that shit—you met us and took one look at him and started rubbing your hands together and salivating because he works for a show business law firm and he's in shape and has muscles and compared to that shriveled up, emasculated, goat-turd of a husband you have, Sam has to seem like the answer to a bovine frump's prayer.
CAROL
He couldn't stand being married to you anymore and he told me that over lunch—he initiated the relationship—he salivated over me—he looked me in the eye at lunch and tears formed— I'm not happy, he said—
PHYLLIS
Tears formed in Sam's eyes? Was his athletic supporter too tight?
CAROL
From the first moment Howard and I met you and Sam I knew he was miserable. This woman is not making him happy— I told that to Howard that first night we met you—
PHYLLIS
I can see the picture at home—you brushing your former teeth—Howard slipping into his nightgown and sleeping cap— discussing your betters—planning your little social climb—
CAROL
She may be a brilliant shrink and the center of every conversation with some new variation of how great she is—but she's not enough woman for him—she's not there to guide him—to bring him coffee—
PHYLLIS
Can you pass me that airsick bag?
CAROL
Sam had tremendous hostility—but you know that now.
PHYLLIS
The thought of you and Sam discussing me over cocktails or postcoital Marlboros.
CAROL
We tried to break it off several times but we couldn't.
PHYLLIS
I'm sure you tried. But I know Sam—when that old sperm count rises—you got the phone call—“Beat it over here, honey, I want to get my rocks off and whine about my wife.”
CAROL
It wasn't like that—we spoke more often than made love.
PHYLLIS
About what? Chrrrist! What the hell did he find to talk about with you? He's a man's man—what the hell did you have to discuss with him besides me? Your cellulite? Your eye jobs and face-lifts? Shopping? Your trainer? Your nutritionist? Or did you just lay on his shoulder and giggle about the ironic shrink who could see everybody's problems but her own?
CAROL
I did nothing wrong. Your husband stopped loving you before he met me.
PHYLLIS
Bullshit!
CAROL
And it was obvious to all our friends—
PHYLLIS
They're not our friends—they're my friends and I brought you in—like a fool—you met them all through me—
CAROL
And they all knew you and Sam were a joke as a couple—
PHYLLIS
Bullshit.
CAROL
Believe me, I didn't seduce Sam. He played around plenty before I came on the scene.
PHYLLIS
Like hell!
CAROL
Face up to it!
PHYLLIS
I'm not interested in your fantasies.
CAROL
Ask Edith Moss and Steve Pollack's secretary—
PHYLLIS
Liar! Slut! You're the all-American whore! They should put your diaphragm in the Smithsonian.
CAROL
Don't lay it all on me! I didn't turn your husband into a philanderer—
PHYLLIS
Trollop, tart, prostitute—
CAROL
You're such a phony—pretending your marriage is so perfect— you were a laughingstock—
PHYLLIS
I loved Sam and I was a damn good wife.
CAROL
We happened to fall in love—but before he met me, he was groping several of your closest high-class friends—including Madelaine Cohen, who also being a shrink probably dissected you with far greater insight than I'm capable of.
PHYLLIS
Madelaine Cohen's a strict Freudian complete with beard!
(Door buzzer rings. Phyllis gets it. It's Howard.)
HOWARD
What a day—oh brother—I need a drink.
PHYLLIS
Howard, guess what?
CAROL
Will you keep quiet.
HOWARD
(pouring himself a drink)
You look at them in that ho
me and you realize that's what it all comes to—to that—to that. My God—what's the point of anything if it ends up like that—
PHYLLIS
Carolhas some news for you that might cheer you up.
CAROL
Will you stop—she's drunk, Howard.
HOWARD
I mean to get good and drunk tonight. God, Carol—here's my father who was a strapping, virile man—he took me to ball games.
PHYLLIS
Tell him, Carol—he needs a lift.
HOWARD
This poor old lady, ninety-one, used to be a singer—sits at the piano—she's ancient—trying to gasp her way through a chorus of “You're the Cream in My Coffee”… the others stare— some perfunctory applause—and these living dead seated in stupors before the communal TV, their clothes stained from food that dribbles all over them …
PHYLLIS
I hope you reserved us all a place—
HOWARD
I can't bear it! It's too much to bear!
CAROL
Have your drink—
HOWARD
Two people grow old together—like my mother and father— we decay—one of us breaks down faster—the other watches— after years of being together—suddenly you're alone—
PHYLLIS
It may not happen quite that way for you, Howard—
HOWARD
No … (to himself) It might not.
PHYLLIS
Tell him, Carol—
HOWARD
Tell me what? What's going on? Why are you drunk so early? And what the hell's all this?
(Noticing the mess for the first time.)
CAROL
Howard, there's something we need to discuss—
HOWARD
What?
CAROL
I'm not sure this is the time or place.
PHYLLIS
Howard, Carol's leaving you.
CAROL
Will you let us be—
HOWARD
I don't get it.
PHYLLIS
She's leaving you—she's going off with another man.
HOWARD
Meaning what?
PHYLLIS
Meaning you're out—no more wifekins—she's been fucking my husband for three years and she's going off with him.
CAROL
(to Phyllis)
You're detestable.
PHYLLIS
Am I lying? Close your mouth, Howard.
HOWARD
Is this true, Carol?
CAROL
Sam and I fell in love—we didn't mean to hurt anybody.
HOWARD
(sitting slowly)
N-no—I'm sure you didn't …
PHYLLIS
Jesus, aren't you going to get mad?
HOWARD
What's the point? That won't undo things—
PHYLLIS
There's a time to be rational and a time to run amok—I keep the steak knives in the kitchen.
HOWARD
(not understanding)
You never had a good word to say about Sam.
