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Three One-Act Plays

Page 8

by Woody Allen


  PHYLLIS

  Are you OK? Or do I have to do the Heimlich maneuver?

  CAROL

  Did he say who she was?

  PHYLLIS

  I have a patient who gagged on a fish bone at Le Bernardin and a stranger came up behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver on her and it aroused her—and now wherever she dines, she gags—

  CAROL

  Did he say who he was leaving you for?

  PHYLLIS

  Why do you look so uncomfortable?

  CAROL

  I'm not—although I am beginning to feel this drink.

  PHYLLIS

  At first I thought it was Anne Dreyfuss.

  CAROL

  Anne Dreyfuss? The decorator?

  PHYLLIS

  She likes all the stuff he likes—boating, the woods, skiing—

  CAROL

  He'd never take up with Anne Dreyfuss.

  PHYLLIS

  How do you know?

  CAROL

  What do you mean, how do I know? I know Sam too.

  PHYLLIS

  Not as well as me.

  CAROL

  I didn't say that. I mean, we're all friends for years.

  PHYLLIS

  How many years?

  CAROL

  Five—almost six—what has that got to do with anything? I can't see Sam with Anne Dreyfuss. She's a whiner—with a very annoying personality and if I may say so, no fanny.

  PHYLLIS

  I thought also it might be Nonny—the girl in his law firm. She's a partner now …

  CAROL

  I don't know Nonny—what's she like?

  PHYLLIS

  Buxom and cute. With an erotic overbite. It's not Nonny.

  CAROL

  The point is you obviously don't know who he's gone off with.

  PHYLLIS

  The point is I do. Or at least I think I figured it out.

  CAROL

  You know, I really don't feel well.

  PHYLLIS

  Gee you're pale—either pale or puce.

  CAROL

  I can't drink. I feel queasy.

  PHYLLIS

  You're probably motion sick—from squirming.

  CAROL

  I'm nauseated.

  PHYLLIS

  Nauseating?

  CAROL

  Nauseated.

  PHYLLIS

  (crosses out to get Compazine)

  I may have some Compazine suppositories, but I'm not sure I have extra-large.

  CAROL

  (alone, she secretly picks up the phone, dials)

  Hello? B18—any messages? … Yes … Howard … what time? … OK. Anything else?

  (tense and interested)

  Yes? Did he say what number he'd be at? What time? OK, OK …

  (She hangs up.)

  PHYLLIS

  (entering from USL)

  I found this Bergdorf's bag, so if you suddenly barf it'll be into familiar surroundings. Who'd you call?

  CAROL

  Call?

  PHYLLIS

  Yes, the second I left the room you dove for the instrument like you were going down on Cary Grant.

  CAROL

  Look, I like to check my service because Howard's had a bad day …

  PHYLLIS

  Can we get back to who my husband left me for?

  CAROL

  Maybe if I had some coffee.

  PHYLLIS

  I figured out who it was.

  CAROL

  It's none of my business.

  PHYLLIS

  Sure it is—

  CAROL

  It's not—I'm sorry it happened—my head is swimming.

  PHYLLIS

  Know who it is?

  CAROL

  Please, Phyllis.

  PHYLLIS

  It's you, you bitch!

  CAROL

  Oh—the arrant paranoia!

  PHYLLIS

  Don't give me that, toots—he's been dipping his wick in you for longer than I probably think.

  CAROL

  You're nuts—get a grip on yourself.

  PHYLLIS

  You're gonna have to come clean anyhow—if you want to go off with him. It's a nice little fillip for Howard—first Dad in the laughing academy and then a Dear John letter from the little woman.

  CAROL

  You know, I'm so turned around that I can't even respond to this well.

  PHYLLIS

  Have you been having an affair with Sam?

  CAROL

  No.

  PHYLLIS

  Just tell me.

  CAROL

  No.

  PHYLLIS

  I just want the truth.

  CAROL

  I have not—you're such a bully.

  PHYLLIS

  I figured it out, harlot. You've been phoning each other, meeting secretly, traveling together—

  CAROL

  I won't sit here and be accused—

  (She rises but, still woozy, she sits.)

  PHYLLIS

  Now—after the fact—I remember so many obvious things— the looks across the table—the getting lost together on the trip to Normandy. Howard and I looked for two hours—and the night you ate here and Sam went downstairs to put you in a cab—I'm sitting in bed for an hour and a half while he decides to walk you home—you know, as I speak it's occurring to me that three years ago—three fucking years ago—you and Sam were in New York for a week with Howard in L.A. and me at a convention in Philadelphia—that was three years ago, or does it go back even further than that?

  CAROL

  It's not me!

  PHYLLIS

  I found his Filofax. You're all over it!

  CAROL

  (rises, screams and cries)

  What do you want me to do? We fell in love! You're such a bully!

  PHYLLIS

  Chrrrist!

  CAROL

  Bully! Bully! We fell in love—nobody planned it—nobody wanted to hurt anyone.

  PHYLLIS

  I knew it—from the night we met the two of you in the Hamptons. I said she's trouble—she's a troubled broad—she reeks from problems—neurosis oozes out of every pore—

  CAROL

  This affair has caused us nothing but anguish and pain.

  PHYLLIS

  Not to mention an occasional orgasm.

  CAROL

  Don't dirty it up—it's not what you think.

  PHYLLIS

  I said that first night when we drove home—he seems nice— a little lost but decent—but she's borderline and carnivorous.

  CAROL

  Stop being so judgmental—you know from your work these things happen—it's nature—it's like lightning—two people meet—a spark flares up and suddenly there's a life of its own.

  PHYLLIS

  You're describing Frankenstein.

  CAROL

  It's serious, Phyllis.

  PHYLLIS

  How long has this been going on? Three years? More? Four? Five?

  CAROL

  Not even three.

  PHYLLIS

  So, two? Two years you two have been sneaking around town like dogs in heat?

  CAROL

  We haven't been sneaking around town—we have an apartment.

  PHYLLIS

  An apartment? Where?

  CAROL

  The East Fifties—

  PHYLLIS

  How big?

  CAROL

  Small—

  PHYLLIS

  What?

  CAROL

  Three rooms.

  PHYLLIS

  Rent-controlled?

  CAROL

  Stop being snotty—we're trying to communicate—

  PHYLLIS

  What do you need three rooms for? You entertain?

  CAROL

  Never. Never. I swear. It's just a place to go to, to be alone—to relax—to—to—to talk—

  PHYLLIS


  To talk—to exchange ideas. To exchange fluids.

  CAROL

  We're in love, Phyllis—oh God—I never thought I'd be saying this—it's—everything—yes, it's sensual, but it's more—we share feelings and dreams.

  PHYLLIS

  Why did I let you into my life—I knew all the time you'd fuck a snake if they held its head.

  CAROL

  Phyllis, what do you want me to say? He fell out of love with you years ago. I don't know why. Certainly not over me. It was finished in his mind between you two before he ever said anything to me.

  PHYLLIS

  How did he first do it?

  CAROL

  Do what?

  PHYLLIS

  When? What night?

  CAROL

  What's the difference?

  PHYLLIS

  You probed—I want answers.

  CAROL

  New Year's Eve at Lou Stein's party.

  PHYLLIS

  Oh my God—that was 1990.

  CAROL

  '91—er, '90, right …

  PHYLLIS

  And what happened? Who groped whom first?

  CAROL

  That wasn't it. He came over to me—I was watching the fireworks—and he whispered in my ear—can you meet me for lunch next week without mentioning anything to Phyllis. Well, you can imagine, I was a bit surprised.

  PHYLLIS

  I'm sure. You probably started to lubricate.

  CAROL

  I said, Why? He said, I need your help on something.

  PHYLLIS

  And where was I when this adolescent bullshit was going on?

  CAROL

  You had led a group against their wills out onto the terrace, in the five-degree temperature, to watch the fireworks. And Howard was in the kitchen getting the Steins' recipe for baba ghanoush.

  PHYLLIS

  Yes—I remember—your husband had just enrolled in a cooking course and we were all so proud of him.

  CAROL

  And I said, what kind of help? With what? And Sam said, Phyllis's birthday is soon and I want you to help me get her something, but it has to be something special.

  PHYLLIS

  And it was, folks.

  CAROL

  So the following Thursday we had lunch at his club and pitched some gift ideas back and forth. And after lunch we went on our shop— I remember going to Bergdorf's and Tiffany's and James Robinson and finally in this tiny old antique store on First Avenue we found a stunning pair of art deco earrings— diamonds with tiny rubies—

  PHYLLIS

  I know the earrings. I've seen them on you.

  CAROL

  Well, I was flabbergasted. He bought them, and we walked out on the street and he handed the box to me and said, Here, I want you so badly.

  PHYLLIS

  And what did you say?

  CAROL

  I said, Whoa—wait a minute—we came to buy Phyllis a birthday present—if I take this we have to at least pick out something for her.

  PHYLLIS

  Thanks, you're such a doll. So I wound up with those stinking silver candlesticks.

  CAROL

  They cost a fortune.

  PHYLLIS

  They're old-lady candlesticks—they're something you'd give Miss Havisham! And of course you never thought of saying— Phyllis is your wife and I'm her friend—

  CAROL

  May I tell you why not?

  PHYLLIS

  I know why not, you cheap little tart—because you had your predatory sights set on Sam from the minute you met him.

  CAROL

  Not so—

  PHYLLIS

  Don't give me that shit—you met us and took one look at him and started rubbing your hands together and salivating because he works for a show business law firm and he's in shape and has muscles and compared to that shriveled up, emasculated, goat-turd of a husband you have, Sam has to seem like the answer to a bovine frump's prayer.

  CAROL

  He couldn't stand being married to you anymore and he told me that over lunch—he initiated the relationship—he salivated over me—he looked me in the eye at lunch and tears formed— I'm not happy, he said—

  PHYLLIS

  Tears formed in Sam's eyes? Was his athletic supporter too tight?

  CAROL

  From the first moment Howard and I met you and Sam I knew he was miserable. This woman is not making him happy— I told that to Howard that first night we met you—

  PHYLLIS

  I can see the picture at home—you brushing your former teeth—Howard slipping into his nightgown and sleeping cap— discussing your betters—planning your little social climb—

  CAROL

  She may be a brilliant shrink and the center of every conversation with some new variation of how great she is—but she's not enough woman for him—she's not there to guide him—to bring him coffee—

  PHYLLIS

  Can you pass me that airsick bag?

  CAROL

  Sam had tremendous hostility—but you know that now.

  PHYLLIS

  The thought of you and Sam discussing me over cocktails or postcoital Marlboros.

  CAROL

  We tried to break it off several times but we couldn't.

  PHYLLIS

  I'm sure you tried. But I know Sam—when that old sperm count rises—you got the phone call—“Beat it over here, honey, I want to get my rocks off and whine about my wife.”

  CAROL

  It wasn't like that—we spoke more often than made love.

  PHYLLIS

  About what? Chrrrist! What the hell did he find to talk about with you? He's a man's man—what the hell did you have to discuss with him besides me? Your cellulite? Your eye jobs and face-lifts? Shopping? Your trainer? Your nutritionist? Or did you just lay on his shoulder and giggle about the ironic shrink who could see everybody's problems but her own?

  CAROL

  I did nothing wrong. Your husband stopped loving you before he met me.

  PHYLLIS

  Bullshit!

  CAROL

  And it was obvious to all our friends—

  PHYLLIS

  They're not our friends—they're my friends and I brought you in—like a fool—you met them all through me—

  CAROL

  And they all knew you and Sam were a joke as a couple—

  PHYLLIS

  Bullshit.

  CAROL

  Believe me, I didn't seduce Sam. He played around plenty before I came on the scene.

  PHYLLIS

  Like hell!

  CAROL

  Face up to it!

  PHYLLIS

  I'm not interested in your fantasies.

  CAROL

  Ask Edith Moss and Steve Pollack's secretary—

  PHYLLIS

  Liar! Slut! You're the all-American whore! They should put your diaphragm in the Smithsonian.

  CAROL

  Don't lay it all on me! I didn't turn your husband into a philanderer—

  PHYLLIS

  Trollop, tart, prostitute—

  CAROL

  You're such a phony—pretending your marriage is so perfect— you were a laughingstock—

  PHYLLIS

  I loved Sam and I was a damn good wife.

  CAROL

  We happened to fall in love—but before he met me, he was groping several of your closest high-class friends—including Madelaine Cohen, who also being a shrink probably dissected you with far greater insight than I'm capable of.

  PHYLLIS

  Madelaine Cohen's a strict Freudian complete with beard!

  (Door buzzer rings. Phyllis gets it. It's Howard.)

  HOWARD

  What a day—oh brother—I need a drink.

  PHYLLIS

  Howard, guess what?

  CAROL

  Will you keep quiet.

  HOWARD

  (pouring himself a drink)

  You look at them in that ho
me and you realize that's what it all comes to—to that—to that. My God—what's the point of anything if it ends up like that—

  PHYLLIS

  Carolhas some news for you that might cheer you up.

  CAROL

  Will you stop—she's drunk, Howard.

  HOWARD

  I mean to get good and drunk tonight. God, Carol—here's my father who was a strapping, virile man—he took me to ball games.

  PHYLLIS

  Tell him, Carol—he needs a lift.

  HOWARD

  This poor old lady, ninety-one, used to be a singer—sits at the piano—she's ancient—trying to gasp her way through a chorus of “You're the Cream in My Coffee”… the others stare— some perfunctory applause—and these living dead seated in stupors before the communal TV, their clothes stained from food that dribbles all over them …

  PHYLLIS

  I hope you reserved us all a place—

  HOWARD

  I can't bear it! It's too much to bear!

  CAROL

  Have your drink—

  HOWARD

  Two people grow old together—like my mother and father— we decay—one of us breaks down faster—the other watches— after years of being together—suddenly you're alone—

  PHYLLIS

  It may not happen quite that way for you, Howard—

  HOWARD

  No … (to himself) It might not.

  PHYLLIS

  Tell him, Carol—

  HOWARD

  Tell me what? What's going on? Why are you drunk so early? And what the hell's all this?

  (Noticing the mess for the first time.)

  CAROL

  Howard, there's something we need to discuss—

  HOWARD

  What?

  CAROL

  I'm not sure this is the time or place.

  PHYLLIS

  Howard, Carol's leaving you.

  CAROL

  Will you let us be—

  HOWARD

  I don't get it.

  PHYLLIS

  She's leaving you—she's going off with another man.

  HOWARD

  Meaning what?

  PHYLLIS

  Meaning you're out—no more wifekins—she's been fucking my husband for three years and she's going off with him.

  CAROL

  (to Phyllis)

  You're detestable.

  PHYLLIS

  Am I lying? Close your mouth, Howard.

  HOWARD

  Is this true, Carol?

  CAROL

  Sam and I fell in love—we didn't mean to hurt anybody.

  HOWARD

  (sitting slowly)

  N-no—I'm sure you didn't …

  PHYLLIS

  Jesus, aren't you going to get mad?

  HOWARD

  What's the point? That won't undo things—

  PHYLLIS

  There's a time to be rational and a time to run amok—I keep the steak knives in the kitchen.

  HOWARD

  (not understanding)

  You never had a good word to say about Sam.

 

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