Ambulance Girls Under Fire

by Deborah Burrows

  Simon folded the material expertly, knotted it around my shoulder and lifted my hand into the sling. As he did so I noticed that he had some bruises of his own, across the knuckles of his right hand. They were the sort of bruises that came with a bare-knuckled punch.

  ‘Keep the hand in the sling whenever you can for the next few days.’

  ‘Sir. Yes, sir,’ I replied, as if I were a soldier who had just received an order. That earned me another raised eyebrow.

  ‘Will you stop me going back to work?’ I asked. ‘Put me on light duties again?’

  Simon smiled. ‘I doubt I could stop you doing anything. Just be sensible, please. I doubt you can drive, though.’

  ‘I’ll be sensible.’

  He crossed his arms and leaned back to rest his hip against my dressing table, which stood by the French doors that led to the balcony. I had pulled back the blackout blinds and pale winter sunshine flooded the room with light, making interesting shadows on the white walls. It lit Simon’s tense face and accentuated the purple shadows under his eyes. He was pushing himself too hard, I thought.

  ‘So Ashwin won’t divorce you?’ His voice was brusque.

  ‘Oh, how can he divorce me,’ I said lightly, ‘when Hitler will adore me, and the Fuhrer so hates divorce.’

  Simon gave a soft bark of laughter. ‘I’ve no doubt Hitler would adore you, but when is he likely to meet you? Are you planning a trip to Berlin?’

  ‘Of course not. But he … well, it sounds mad, but Cedric seems to be convinced that the Nazis will invade Britain in the spring. He talks about it as if there is a definite plan and he knows all about it. He says that Churchill is a liar and we didn’t really win the air war against Germany. Also that the Royal Navy has been destroyed by German submarines.’ I sat on the bed and looked up at Simon. A crease had appeared between his eyebrows and he was frowning.

  ‘It’s a line that’s being pushed in America,’ he said. ‘Many Americans seem to think we’re done for.’ He gave me a smile. ‘We’re not. Really, Celia, we’re not done for. I promise you that. The government may have exaggerated the Luftwaffe losses, but we clearly won the Battle of Britain and that’s why Hitler is trying to annihilate London. It’s sheer spite on his part. Believe me, the Royal Navy is as formidable as ever and war production is up, despite the Blitz. My father is a good friend of Leslie Hore-Belisha, and although Hore-Belisha may no longer be Secretary of War, he still knows what’s going on.’

  As Simon spoke in his calm, measured voice I felt my tense shoulders begin to loosen. Cedric had seemed to be so very sure of what he had told me. Although in my rational mind I knew it must be false, a small doubt had crept in.

  ‘Do you think that Cedric is mad?’ I asked.

  He frowned. ‘Because he sees invasion as a likely prospect? No. Hitler may still make the attempt, although we’re much better able to withstand him now. But it’s clearly irrational to hurt you so badly in such a public place. I wish you would keep away from him.’

  ‘It’s complicated.’

  My voice trailed away as I looked up at him. His eyes were a lighter brown than David’s eyes had been and were flecked with gold and green, like sunshine in a forest glade. A flutter ran through my body. How had I not noticed that before? Had I simply not looked?

  ‘How is it complicated?’ His voice was brusque.

  I started and looked away from him. ‘We’ve done a deal. He’s determined to re-enter society, and he wants to drag me about with him as he tries to do so.’

  ‘Because you’re more socially acceptable than he is?’

  ‘I suppose so. He thinks it would be embarrassing if people knew I’d dumped him.’

  Simon frowned, and said slowly, ‘He probably wants you to be his wife again. This may all be an excuse to keep you close so he can win you back.’

  ‘If he does want me back, it’s not because he’s in love with me,’ I said bitterly. ‘He didn’t care in the slightest whether he broke my hand. He wanted my obedience, and he was willing to hurt me to get it. That’s not the act of a lover.’

  ‘Is that all he did to you?’ Simon’s voice had dropped and although it was without inflection, I glanced up. Our gaze met and locked.

  ‘He threatened Leo,’ I said. ‘Nothing specific, but he made it clear that he knew where Leo lived. And…’ I hesitated, unwilling to disclose that he had also mentioned Simon.

  ‘And your charming husband also threatened to hurt me?’ I shot him a surprised glance and he smiled. ‘He tried. Or, rather, his minion did.’

  My heart gave a thump, then began to flutter in fast, unsteady beats. ‘When? What happened?’

  ‘This morning that fellow from the Paramount was lounging around outside the house. The fair-haired one with the thick neck and no chin. He followed me and then tried to warn me off seeing you. What happened? I dealt with him. My brother Saul – and the army – taught me how to take care of myself.’ He glanced down at his bruised knuckles and flexed his fingers. A quick breath of laughter and Simon was all business again.

  I gave him a reluctant smile. ‘And to think I’ve been worried about you. Your sparring partner is called Eddie Hollis and he’s a blackshirt bully.’ My smile faded. ‘Be careful of him. Fists don’t trump guns. He’s just the sort who would use a gun or a knife against an unarmed man.’

  ‘I’ll be careful. Don’t worry about me.’

  ‘Cedric also played his trump card yesterday,’ I said.

  ‘And what’s that?’

  ‘He said that if I do what he wants for two months, then he will agree to a divorce. Give me an affidavit attesting to his adultery.’

  Simon gave a derisive laugh. ‘And you believe him?’

  ‘I think I do,’ I said slowly. ‘He gave me his word. Simon, I’m desperate. So desperate that I’ll do what he wants.’

  Simon made a quick movement and I said, ‘Go out with him socially. That’s all. And always in public. He hurt me only because I annoyed him. I really want this divorce.’ I looked up at him. ‘But … I’m worried.’

  ‘You think he’s a traitor.’ Simon said.

  ‘And when did you add mind-reading to your many and varied skills?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course Cedric Ashwin’s a traitor. Or he’d like to be one. That’s the reason they locked him up.’ He frowned. ‘The question is whether he’s intending to do anything about it. Do you think he’s a fifth columnist, trying to help the Nazis?’

  I sighed. ‘I think he thinks he’s a patriot who hates Churchill and we’d be better off fighting with the Nazis against Russia. He also thinks that Hitler is preparing for invasion and he seems not to be appalled at the prospect. But to actively act as a fifth columnist and try to undermine the British war effort?’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I don’t think so.’

  Simon ran a hand through his hair, leaving it dishevelled. It made him look very young. ‘Look, Celia, if you tell the authorities what he’s been saying about the invasion it may convince them to gaol him again.’ A pause, then Simon said lightly, ‘I, for one, would be happier if he was back on the Isle of Man.’

  I looked down at my hand, nestling in the sling Simon had made for me. ‘But it would be a wretched thing to do, to turn him in when he hasn’t actually done anything. It would be acting like a quisling.’

  ‘Not if he really is a traitor.’

  I grimaced, nibbled at my lip. ‘But what if he’s just misguided?’ My voice became mocking. ‘And if Cedric’s in prison he can’t divorce me, and I do want that divorce. I think he just wants to be important again. Influential, in the way he was before the war.’

  ‘Won’t happen,’ said Simon. ‘Churchill detests him.’ He pushed away from the dressing table, stared at me. ‘Celia, I – I hate the idea of you spending time with him. Being at his mercy. He hurt you once, he may do so again.’

  My heart lurched. This was an intensity I hadn’t seen him display before.

  ‘Did you catch up with Miriam last night?’ The wor
ds were out before I could take them back.

  He swallowed and looked away from me. ‘Eventually. She was waiting for a taxi in Piccadilly.’

  ‘Was she very annoyed?’

  ‘No. She simply thought it would be diplomatic to leave us to row in peace.’

  ‘I must say that I think her attitude is remarkable.’

  ‘Oh, Miriam’s the very best sort of girlfriend.’

  ‘Really?’ My voice was dry.

  ‘She never interferes with my social life, is available whenever I need a partner, and is very discreet about what I do in my spare time.’ There was a smirk in his voice.

  I turned away to look out of the French windows and saw that clouds now covered the sun. It was as if a soft grey blanket had fallen over London. My jaw tightened. I had always been discreet about Cedric’s affairs and I had never interfered with his social life. It seemed that I had entirely misread Simon’s character. He was just like Cedric. He abused Miriam’s trust, and presumably her love for him, to go out with anyone he pleased, do whatever he wanted.

  Simon gave a soft laugh. ‘I think we need to talk about Miriam.’

  ‘I have no wish to discuss the matter any further. I think I’ll return to Leo and Bobby.’

  His mouth tightened. ‘Do you practise that hoity-toity voice and the ice-queen look, or does it come naturally if you’re to the manor born?’ There was no good humour in his voice any more. It was sharp and hard and annoyed.

  I ignored him and turned away to gaze out over the grey rooftops.

  His voice rose. ‘You are determined to be counsel for the prosecution, judge and jury all rolled into one, aren’t you?’ he said. ‘Ever feel lonely up there on that high horse?’

  ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

  ‘I’m talking about the aura of self-righteous indignation that has surrounded you since I mentioned that Miriam doesn’t mind me doing what I please. You immediately assumed that I have been taking advantage of a poor misguided girl who has been blinded by her passion for me.’

  If the cap fits… ‘Your personal circumstances are none of my business.’

  ‘Miriam doesn’t give two hoots what I do because she is madly in love with Antoni Gnys, a Polish pilot who is stationed at her airfield. Tony’s Catholic, of course, and Miriam is terrified that her parents will find out about him. We decided before I left for North Africa that I’d pretend to be seeing her so that her parents will leave her alone and allow her to discover if this rather mismatched love affair of hers has a real chance.’

  ‘Oh.’ My neck muscles loosened and I drew in a deep breath. ‘Forgive me. I shouldn’t have assumed you were a cad,’ I said. ‘But honestly, Simon. What was I supposed to think?’

  His voice was clipped and bitter. ‘Apparently the worst.’

  I wheeled around to glare at him. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry. Must I keep apologising?’

  ‘Not all men are like Cedric Ashwin. I’m not like Cedric Ashwin.’

  ‘I know that. I know you’re not like Cedric. I’m truly sorry to have thought—’

  He gave me a slight smile and shook his head, as if trying to reason out a puzzle. ‘We always seem to grasp the wrong end of the stick, always think the worst of each other until we learn differently. Why is that, Celia?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I looked at him, into his eyes, and said tentatively, ‘Perhaps we’re so afraid of being disappointed that it’s easiest to think the worst and hope for the best.’

  ‘You’ve not disappointed me yet, so perhaps I’d better start by assuming the best in future.’

  ‘Then again,’ I said lightly, ‘you began with such low expectations of me, that whatever I do is bound to impress.’

  The corners of his eyes crinkled in a smile and again I was lost in the colour of his eyes, that hint of gold. The world seemed to diminish, to fold in on itself, until only Simon and I existed in a place somewhere else, far from London and from war and from the cold realities of life.

  Simon cleared his throat and looked away from me, out over the rooftops. I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly.

  ‘The state of affairs between me and Miriam suits us both very well,’ he said, addressing Greater London. ‘She is spared her mother’s nagging to find a nice Jewish boy, and I am spared my mother’s nagging to find a suitable Jewish girl.’

  I gave a soft laugh. ‘I can see the advantages for Miriam, but what if you meet someone yourself?’

  ‘I’m too busy for romance. Suitable Jewish girls are thin on the ground, and right now all my time is taken up with my medical work, air-raid duties or my family. When I’m ready I’ll find someone my parents will approve of.’

  ‘What you need is a – a shidduch. Is that the word?’

  He looked amused. ‘Perhaps I do at that. How do you know about the shidduch?’

  ‘Lore Rosenfeld. Simon, she and your mother are going to be very annoyed with you and Miriam when they find out that you’ve been deceiving them.’

  ‘I’m able to cope with my mother and Lore Rosenfeld.’

  I raised an eyebrow. ‘Best of luck with that.’

  He laughed. ‘Let’s return to Leo and Bobby.’

  The bird was perched on the bookcase when we entered the room, and he was amusing Leo by walking up and down, sticking out his beak and making clicking sounds interspersed with the occasional whistle.

  ‘Say Simon Levy,’ said Leo to the bird.

  ‘God Save the King,’ replied Bobby, and Leo giggled.

  Simon walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. The boy smiled up at him and said in his precise but accented English, ‘Bobby still thinks that you are the King.’

  ‘Very perspicacious, that parrot.’

  ‘What does that word mean?’

  ‘He’s a smart bird.’

  Leo giggled again and nodded vigorously. ‘Bobby loves the music of Mozart.’

  ‘As I said, perspicacious.’ Simon looked at me. ‘Leo also loves the music of Mozart; he told us so at dinner last night.’

  ‘Because I have played it, on the violin,’ said Leo eagerly. ‘I played with—’ He stopped speaking abruptly, and stood with his mouth open. A wave of scarlet washed up from neck to forehead and receded, leaving in its wake a pasty white, almost grey tinge to his face. The memory of some horror was in his dark eyes and it was terribly painful to witness it.

  Simon acted quickly, putting his hand on Leo’s shoulder and squatting down in front of him to look at him, eye to eye.

  ‘I told you – didn’t I, Leo – I told you that I love Mozart, too. And that I can play the viola.’ Simon’s smile was somewhat forced, but it seemed to comfort Leo, who gave him a little smile in return. ‘Should we should tell Celia what we have planned?’ asked Simon, and Leo nodded shyly.

  Simon looked up at me. ‘Mutti bought Leo a violin and Leo has promised to play a Mozart piece with me and Mutti. We decided upon the Kegelstatt Trio and Mutti has ordered the music.’ His hand moved from Leo’s shoulder to ruffle his dark hair. ‘You will play violin, I’ll play viola and Mutti will play the piano, won’t she?’

  Leo nodded. ‘I do not know that piece,’ he said softly. ‘I must learn it.’ He fell silent again.

  ‘It will be good to learn a new piece in a new country,’ I said. ‘I love the Kegelstatt Trio. It’s glorious.’

  Leo looked up at me. ‘Do you, Celia? Do you love it?’

  ‘I most certainly do. It’s an absolute favourite of mine.’ I was trying to recall if I had ever heard the Kegelstatt Trio. Surely I had heard it.

  ‘We will play it for you.’ Leo’s shoulders straightened. ‘I am a very good violin player. I am one of the best in London.’

  I looked at Simon and raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Mutti says so,’ Simon said, as Leo nodded.

  ‘I’m sure it will be marvellous and I can’t wait to hear you.’

  ‘And you will bring Bobby to listen as well,’ said Leo decisively. ‘Mutti wants to m
eet Bobby. She told me.’

  I looked up and caught Simon’s eye and mouthed ‘Mutti?’ I was unsure whether it was a good idea to encourage Leo to see Mrs Levy as a replacement for his deceased mother. Simon gave me a wry smile and turned to Leo.

  ‘It’s time to leave now,’ he said. ‘Say goodbye to Bobby and to Celia.’

  Leo gravely farewelled the parrot and then turned to me. To my utter surprise, he flung his arms around my waist and hugged me tightly. ‘Goodbye, Celia,’ he whispered. ‘May I come back next week to see Bobby?’

  I folded my good arm around his thin little body and hugged him back as hard as I could, ignoring the pain it caused in my left hand, now safely in its sling. ‘Of course,’ I said. ‘Bobby would miss you if you didn’t come. And so would I. We’ll see you next week.’

  He moved out of the shelter of my arm, and then abruptly turned back to hug me again. ‘I hope your hand is better soon,’ he whispered.

  After Leo and Simon had left the flat I stood for some time, staring at the painted wood of my door. Leo had changed greatly from the traumatised little boy who had come into my life only a month before, but it was clear that the memory of past horrors lay close to the surface of his mind. I thought of how Leo must feel in coming back to the music of Mozart, music he had last played in company with his family, who might all be dead, and I felt a bitter rage at a world that allowed children to be so traumatised. It was then I knew with utter certainty that I would do anything to protect Leo, whether from Cedric, or from anyone or anything else that could hurt him.

  I stared at the door and I whispered, ‘Leo, I promise I will protect you. I give you my word on it.’

  But in the end, I was unable to keep that promise.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  I woke to a cold, dark Monday morning with a swollen and throbbing hand. It was obvious that I wouldn’t be able to control my bicycle and so I walked to the ambulance station. A gusty north wind was blowing as I set off in a fast loping stride, trying not to slip on the frosty pavement. Grey clouds lowered above me and it wasn’t long before a sleety rain began to fall. My umbrella was no match for the weather and the icy raindrops burned when they hit my exposed skin.