Acceptable Risk

by Robin Cook

  “I don’t recall specifically,” Edward said with a shrug. “I suppose I might have said you were my girlfriend.”

  “Does that mean lover or does that mean friend?” Kim asked.

  “What’s going on here?” Edward questioned with annoyance. “I haven’t divulged any personal secrets, if that’s what you are implying. I’ve never gone into intimate details with anyone about us. And why am I getting the third degree at one o’clock in the morning?”

  “I’m sorry if you feel I’m interrogating you,” Kim said. “That wasn’t my intention. I was just curious what you’ve said, since we’re not married and I assume they’ve talked with you about their families.”

  Kim had started to explain about François, but she’d thought better of it. At the moment Edward was too temperamental for such a conversation, with his fatigue and anxious preoccupation with Ultra. Besides, Kim was reluctant to cause any potential rift between him and François because she couldn’t be a hundred percent sure of what François’s intentions had been.

  Kim stood up. “I hope I haven’t upset you,” she said. “I know how tired you must be. Good night.” She stepped from the bathroom and started toward her bed.

  “Wait,” Edward called out. He emerged from the bathroom. “I’m overreacting again,” he said. “I’m sorry. Instead of making you feel badly I should be thanking you. I really appreciated your putting the dinner together. It was perfect and turned out to be a big hit with everyone. It was the kind of break we all needed.”

  “I appreciate your saying something,” Kim said. “I have been trying to help. I think I know the pressure you’re under.”

  “Well, it should get better with Stanton temporarily mollified,” Edward said. “Now I can concentrate on Ultra and Harvard.”

  13

  * * *

  Late September 1994

  EDWARD’S recognition of kim’s efforts at putting together the dinner on such short notice encouraged Kim to think that things would improve between herself and Edward. But it was not to be. During the week immediately after the Monday-night dinner, things seemed to get worse. In fact Kim did not see Edward at all. He’d come in late at night long after she’d gone to bed and would be up and out before she awoke. He made no effort to communicate with her at all even though she left numerous Post-It messages for him.

  Even Buffer seemed to be nastier than usual. He appeared unexpectedly around dinnertime Wednesday night while Kim was preparing her food. He acted hungry, so Kim filled a dish with his food and extended it toward him, intending to put it on the floor. Buffer reacted by baring his teeth and snapping at her viciously. Kim put the food down the disposal.

  With no contact whatsoever with anyone in the lab, Kim began to feel more estranged from what was happening in the compound than she had earlier in the month. She even began to feel lonely. To her surprise she started to look forward to returning to work the following week, a feeling she never expected to have. In fact, when she’d left work at the end of August, she’d thought returning to work would be difficult.

  By Thursday, September 22, Kim was aware that she was feeling mildly depressed and the resulting anxiety scared her. She’d had a brush with depression in her sophomore year of college and the experience had left an enduring scar. Fearing that her symptoms might get worse, Kim called Alice McMurray, a therapist at MGH whom she’d seen a number of years previously. Alice graciously agreed to give up half her lunch hour the following day.

  Friday morning Kim got up feeling a little better than she had on previous mornings. She guessed it was the excitement of having made plans to go into the city. Without her parking privileges at the MGH, she decided to take the train.

  Kim arrived in Boston a little after eleven. With plenty of time to spare, she walked from North Station to the hospital. It was a pleasant fall day of intermittent clouds and sunshine. In contrast to Salem, the leaves on the city trees had yet to begin changing.

  It felt good for Kim to be in the familiar hospital environment, especially when she ran into several colleagues who teased her about her tan. Alice’s office was in a professional building owned by the hospital corporation. Kim entered from the hall and found the reception desk deserted.

  Almost immediately the inner door opened, and Alice appeared.

  “Hi,” she said. “Come on in.” She motioned with her head toward the secretary’s desk. “Everyone is at lunch in case you were wondering.”

  Alice’s office was simple but comfortable. There were four chairs and a coffee table grouped in the center of the room on an oriental rug. A small desk was against the wall. By the window stood a potted palm. On the walls were Impressionist prints and a few framed diplomas and licenses.

  Alice was an ample-bodied woman whose compassionate manner radiated from her like a magnetic field. As Kim knew from Alice’s own admission, she had been fighting a weight problem all her life. Yet the struggle had added to Alice’s effectiveness by giving her extra sensitivity to other people’s problems.

  “Well, what can I do for you?” Alice asked once they were seated.

  Kim launched into an explanation of her current living situation. She tried to be honest and fully admitted her disappointment that things had not gone as she’d anticipated. As she spoke she began to hear herself assuming most of the blame. Alice heard it too.

  “This is sounding like an old story,” Alice said in a nonjudgmental way. Alice then inquired about Edward’s personality and social skills.

  Kim described Edward, and with the help of Alice’s presence, she immediately heard herself defending him.

  “Do you think there is any resemblance between the relationship you had with your father and the relationship you have with Edward?” Alice asked.

  Kim thought for a moment and then admitted her behavior in regard to the recent dinner party had suggested some analogy.

  “It sounds to me that they are superficially quite similar,” Alice said. “I can remember your describing similar frustration about trying to please your father. Both of these men appear to have an overriding interest in their business agendas that supersedes their personal lives.”

  “It’s temporary with Edward,” Kim said.

  “Are you sure about that?” Alice questioned.

  Kim thought for a moment before answering: “I guess you can never be sure about what another person is thinking.”

  “Precisely,” Alice said. “Who knows, Edward could be changing. Nevertheless, it sounds like Edward needs your social support and you are giving it. There’s nothing wrong with that except I sense that your needs aren’t currently being met.”

  “That’s an understatement,” Kim admitted.

  “You should be thinking about what is good for you and act accordingly,” Alice said. “I know that is easy to say and difficult to do. Your self-esteem is terrified to lose his love. At any rate at least give it serious thought.”

  “Are you saying I shouldn’t be living with Edward?” Kim asked.

  “Absolutely not,” Alice said. “That’s not for me to say. Only you can say that. But as we discussed in the past, I think you should give thought to issues of codependency.”

  “Do think there are codependent issues here?” Kim asked.

  “I just would like it to enter into your thinking,” Alice said. “You know there is a tendency for people who were abused as children to re-create the circumstances of the abuse in their own domestic situations.”

  “But you know I wasn’t abused,” Kim said.

  “I know you weren’t abused in the general sense of the term,” Alice said. “But you didn’t have a good relationship with your father. Abuse can come in many different forms because of the vast difference in power between the parent and the child.”

  “I see what you mean,” Kim said.

  Alice leaned forward and put her hands on her knees. She smiled warmly. “It sounds to me like we have some things that we should talk about. Unfortunately our half hour is up. I wi
sh I could give you more time, but on such short notice this is the best I can do. I hope I’ve at least got you thinking about your own needs.”

  Kim got to her feet. Glancing at her watch, she was amazed at how quickly the time had gone. She thanked Alice profusely.

  “How is your anxiety?” Alice asked. “I could give you a few Xanax if you think you might need it.”

  Kim shook her head. “Thanks, but I’m okay,” she said. “Besides, I still have a couple of those you gave me years ago.”

  “Call if you’d like to make a real appointment,” Alice said.

  Kim assured her that she’d give her more notice in the future and then left. As she walked back to the train station, Kim thought about the short session she’d had. It had seemed she was just getting started when it was over. Yet Alice had given her a lot to think about, and that was precisely why Kim had wanted to see her.

  As she rode back to Salem, Kim stared out the window and decided that she had to talk to Edward. She knew it would not be an easy task because such confrontations were extremely difficult for her. Besides, with the pressure Edward was under he was hardly in the mood for such emotionally laden issues like whether they should currently be living together. Yet she knew she had to have a conversation with him before things got worse.

  Driving onto the compound, Kim glanced at the lab building and wished she had the assertiveness to go over there directly and demand to talk to Edward immediately. But she knew she couldn’t. In fact, she knew she couldn’t even talk to him even if he showed up at the cottage that afternoon unless he also did something to make her feel he was ready to talk. With a degree of resignation, Kim knew she’d have to wait for Edward.

  But Kim did not see Edward Friday evening, nor all day Saturday. All she’d find was scant evidence that he came in sometime after midnight and left prior to sunrise. With the knowledge she had to talk to him hanging over her like a dark cloud, Kim’s anxiety gradually increased.

  Kim spent Sunday morning keeping herself busy in the castle’s attic, sorting documents. The mindless task provided a bit of solace and for a few hours took her mind away from her unfulfilling living situation. At quarter to one her stomach told her it had been a long time since her morning coffee and bowl of cold cereal.

  Emerging from the musty interior of the castle, Kim paused on the faux drawbridge and let her eyes feast on the fall scene spread out around her. Some of the tree colors were beautiful, but they were hardly of the intensity they would assume in several more weeks. High above in the sky several sea gulls lazily rode the air currents.

  Kim’s eyes roamed the periphery of the property and stopped at the point of entry of the road. Just within the shadow of the trees she could see the front of an automobile.

  Curious as to why the car was parked there, Kim struck out across the field. As she neared, she approached the car warily from the side, trying to get a glimpse of the driver. She was surprised to see it was Kinnard Monihan.

  When Kinnard caught sight of Kim, he leaped from the car and did something Kim could not remember his ever having done. He blushed.

  “Sorry,” he said self-consciously. “I don’t want you to think I’m just lurking here like some Peeping Tom. The fact is I was trying to build up my courage to drive all the way in.”

  “Why didn’t you?” Kim asked.

  “I suppose because I was such an ass the last couple of times we saw each other,” Kinnard said.

  “That seems a long time ago,” Kim said.

  “I suppose in some ways,” Kinnard said. “Anyway I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

  “You’re not disturbing me in the slightest.”

  “My rotation here at Salem Hospital is over this coming week,” Kinnard said. “These two months have flown by. I’ll be back working at MGH a week from tomorrow.”

  “I’ll be doing the same,” Kim said. She explained that she’d taken the month of September off from work.

  “I’ve driven out here to the compound on a few occasions,” Kinnard admitted. “I just never thought it appropriate to stop by and your phone’s unlisted.”

  “I’d wondered how your rotation was going every time I drove near the hospital,” Kim said.

  “How did the renovations turn out?” Kinnard asked.

  “You can decide for yourself,” Kim said. “Provided you’d like to see.”

  “I’d like to see very much,” Kinnard said. “Come on, get in. I’ll give you a lift.”

  They drove to the cottage and parked. Kim gave Kinnard a tour. He was interested and complimentary.

  “What I like is the way you’ve been able to make the house comfortable yet maintain its colonial character,” Kinnard said.

  They were upstairs, where Kim was showing Kinnard how they had managed to put in a half-bath without disturbing the historical aspect of the house. Glancing out the window, Kim did a double take. Looking again, she was shocked to see Edward and Buffer walking across the field on their way to the cottage.

  Kim was immediately gripped with a sense of panic. She had no idea what Edward’s reaction to Kinnard’s presence would be, especially with Edward’s cantankerous mood of late and especially since she’d not seen him since Monday night.

  “I think we’d better go downstairs,” Kim said nervously.

  “Is something wrong?” Kinnard asked.

  Kim didn’t answer. She was too busy castigating herself for not considering the possibility of Edward’s appearing. She marveled how she managed to get herself into such situations.

  “Edward is coming,” Kim finally said to Kinnard as she motioned for him to step into the parlor.

  “Is that a problem?” Kinnard asked. He was confused.

  Kim tried to smile. “Of course not,” she said. But her voice was not convincing and her stomach was in a knot.

  The front door opened and Edward entered. Buffer headed for the kitchen to check for food that might have inadvertently been dropped on the floor.

  “Ah, there you are,” Edward said to Kim when he caught sight of her.

  “We have company,” Kim said. She had her hands clasped in front of her.

  “Oh?” Edward questioned. He stepped into the parlor.

  Kim introduced them. Kinnard moved forward and extended his hand, but Edward didn’t move. He was thinking.

  “Of course,” Edward said while clicking his fingers. He then reached out and pumped Kinnard’s hand with great enthusiasm. “I remember you. You worked in my lab. You’re the fellow who went on to the MGH for a surgical residency.”

  “Good memory,” Kinnard said.

  “Hell, I even remember your research topic,” Edward said. He then tersely summarized Kinnard’s year-long project.

  “It’s humbling to hear you remember it better than I do,” Kinnard said.

  “How about a beer?” Edward asked. “We’ve got Sam Adams on ice.”

  Kinnard nervously glanced between Kim and Edward. “Maybe I’d better leave,” he said.

  “Nonsense,” Edward said. “Stay if you can. I’m sure Kim could use some company. I have to get back to work. I’ve only come over here to ask her a question.”

  Kim was as bewildered as Kinnard. Edward was not behaving as she’d feared. Instead of being irritable and possibly throwing a temper tantrum, he was in a delightful mood.

  “I don’t know how best to word this,” Edward said to Kim, “but I want the researchers to bunk in the castle. It will be infinitely more convenient for them to sleep on the property since many of their experiments require round-the-clock data collection. Besides, the castle is empty and has so many furnished rooms that it’s ridiculous for them to stay in their respective bed-and-breakfasts. And Omni will pay.”

  “Well, I don’t know . . .” Kim stammered.

  “Come on, Kim,” Edward said. “It will only be temporary. In no time their families will be coming and they’ll be buying homes.”

  “But there are so many family heirlooms in the building,” Kim
said.

  “That’s not a problem,” Edward said. “You’ve met these people. They are not going to touch anything. Listen, I’ll personally guarantee that there won’t be any difficulties whatsoever. If there are, out they go.”

  “Let me think about it,” Kim said.

  “What is there to think about?” Edward persisted. “These people are like family to me. Besides, they only sleep from about one to five, just like me. You won’t even know they are there. You won’t hear them and you won’t see them. They can stay in the guest wing and the servants’ wing.”

  Edward winked at Kinnard and added: “It’s best to keep the women and the men apart because I don’t want to be responsible for any domestic strife.”

  “Would they be content to use the servants’ and the guest wing?” Kim asked. She was finding it hard to resist Edward’s outgoing, friendly assertiveness.

  “They will be thrilled,” Edward said. “I can’t tell you how much they will appreciate this. Thank you, my sweet! You are an angel.” Edward gave Kim a kiss on the middle of her forehead and a hug.

  “Kinnard!” Edward said, breaking away from Kim. “Don’t be a stranger now that you know where we are. Kim needs some company. Unfortunately I’m a bit preoccupied for the immediate future.”

  Edward gave a high-pitched whistle which made Kim cringe. Buffer trotted out from the kitchen.

  “See you guys later,” Edward said with a wave. A second later the front door banged shut.

  For a moment Kim and Kinnard merely looked at each other.

  “Did I agree or what?” Kim questioned.

  “It happened kind of fast,” Kinnard admitted.

  Kim stepped to the window and watched Edward and Buffer crossing the field. Edward threw a stick for the dog.

  “He’s a lot more friendly than when I worked in his lab,” Kinnard said. “You’ve had a big effect on him. He was always so stiff and serious. In fact he was downright nerdy.”

  “He’s been under a lot of pressure,” Kim said. She was still watching from the window. Edward and Buffer seemed to be having a marvelous time with the fetching game.