The Arch-Wizard’s Little Sister

by Natsume Akatsuki

  Megumin seemed to be trying to decide whether she should share with me. Finally. . .

  “You may also recall that there were locations called ‘The Tomb of the Sealed Evil Spirit’ and ‘The Place with the Sealed Unknown Goddess.’”

  “I guess. But you said the seals had also been broken, right? I guess the tomb of the Dark God turned out to be the resting place of the Demon King’s general Wolbach, right? What’s your point?”

  “Yes, I rather accidentally unsealed the Dark God when I was a girl, but I believe we’ve reached the statute of limitations on that, and it need not concern us. The problem has to do with the Unknown Goddess.”

  “I’m not sure there’s a statute of limitations on releasing an evil deity into the world,” I objected, but Megumin went on as if she was talking about the weather:

  “. . .Yes, it happened when I had first learned Explosion. I acquired the spell in order to defend Komekko and Yunyun from encroaching servants of the Dark God.” She didn’t even bother to look at us; it was like she was talking to herself. “To oversimplify, the spot where I learned explosion magic also happened to be the place where the Unknown Goddess was sealed away. Thus, I unwittingly released the goddess of manipulation and revenge, and she fled somewhere; I know not where.”

  “What the hell are you telling us? I mean, what the hell are you saying?”

  Megumin, looking like she had really gotten something off her chest, replied, “The deity Lucy is worshipping appears to be the goddess who was sealed in Crimson Magic Village for so long. It has already been nearly two years since she fled the village. I’m sure she must have followers other than Lucy by now. So we can exorcise Lucy with clear consciences. I’m confident the goddess will not vanish!”

  And exactly what was I supposed to do with this information? “What is the story with you Crimson Magic people? Do you just collect evil deities from all over? There’s such a thing as restraint, you know. You guys could use some of it!”

  I really wanted to deck the guy who had created the Crimson Magic Clan. . . Still, we had learned that getting rid of Lucy wouldn’t destroy this goddess. Which meant the last remaining hurdle was our opponent’s uncommonly high resistance to holy magic—but I didn’t think that would be a problem at all for Aqua.

  All right, then. Nothing to it but to do it!

  7

  “Halt! Stop! Cease! Don’t come any closer to me, you filthy Axis disciple!”

  “Ooh, now you’re in for it, you stinking undead! A Purification spell would be too good for you! I’ll send you to kingdom come with my divine fist!”

  It didn’t take us long to find the spirit once we entered the church. But.

  “O venerable Regina, great goddess of manipulation and revenge, dispense divine punishment upon this blue-haired woman! A curse upon this damnable Axis follower!”

  “The nerve, trying to put a curse on a true, pure goddess! Darkness, let me borrow your sword! I’ll smash this stupid church brick by brick until this ghost has nowhere left to haunt!”

  Wasn’t the spirit here supposed to be the shade of a pious and devout believer, still praying to her goddess even after her own death? The ghost bickering with Aqua was a woman in her mid-twenties, half her body kind of transparent. As Megumin and I watched wearily, Darkness tried to get between them.

  “Calm down, both of you. Aqua, we both hold holy offices. Lucy, so did you when you were alive, right? Let’s all calm down and talk. Don’t the deities both of you worship hate fighting?”

  Darkness had a sort of awkward smile on her face, but it became more awkward than smile as the goddess and the ghost both lit into her.

  “Darkness, what do you mean ‘the deities both of you worship’? You said just the other day that you believed I’m a real goddess! And this undead is an affront to my holiness and me, so we need to get rid of her!”

  “You know I worship Regina, goddess of manipulation and revenge, right?! ‘Do as is done unto you’ is one of her central teachings—so I don’t need some outsider barging in here pretending to know what she’s talking about!”

  Darkness’s head was spinning from this two-pronged assault, but it wasn’t over.

  “Gosh, this is why no one likes Eris disciples! You’re the majority, so of course you think there’s no need to fight! It bugs me how you’re all high and mighty just because you’re the state religion. Tell me, Darkness—don’t you agree that it wouldn’t kill you to come pray at the Axis church every once in a while?”

  “I’m so jealous of the Eris Church with all its followers! For us followers of minor gods, every day is like a war! ‘Hates fighting’? As if! The have-nots don’t have a choice except to keep fighting!”

  Darkness quickly backed away from the ghost and the goddess.

  “Forget about them,” I told her. “Aqua’s just gonna purify her out of sight anyway.”

  “I have a role in the church myself, even if a small one,” Darkness said, defeated. “I only wanted to see if I couldn’t bring her around. . .”

  A few steps away, it looked like the purification was really getting underway. “Think you’re ready?” Aqua said. “You can spend your next life regretting that you ever picked a fight with a goddess! Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, you and your minor-league goddess, Regina or whoever, are out of here with one good Holy Knuckle from me!”

  “Grrrrr! This aura of absolute enmity I’ve been feeling—don’t tell me you’re really. . .?! Regina, O vaunted Regina, I still haven’t repaid what I owe you! O Regina, you who cast down that man who used and abused me, down to the very depths! O Regina, who took that woman who tried to con my brother into marrying her for his money and left her penniless! On behalf of all those who have been subject to outrages and injustices, I refuse to lose you here!”

  As Aqua came closer, her fist shimmering and a nasty smile on her face, Lucy offered up a tearful prayer.

  And that was when it happened.

  “Please don’t worry. This goddess you worship escaped her seal two years ago. I’m sure she has more followers by now.”

  Megumin, who had been silently watching the goings-on, started talking to Lucy. She practically looked like a cleric herself at that moment.

  Lucy, desperate to believe Megumin, said, “Really. . .? And how do you know this?”

  “Because I am the one who let your beloved deity loose,” Megumin said. “So please rest in peace now.”

  Lucy must have sensed Megumin’s conviction, because she smiled gently, as if she had been freed from something that had been possessing her.

  “Thank you, kind stranger. . . Normally I would want to show my appreciation for such an act, but somehow I feel no attachment to this world anymore. Hearing your words really set my heart at ease. I’m afraid that means I haven’t any time left. I apologize that I’m not able to thank you properly. . .”

  Lucy smiled, a hint of pain in her expression, and Megumin smiled back. “The tenets of the Crimson Magic Clan include ‘never back down from a fight’ and ‘if someone gets you, get them back.’ Rather like something your goddess of revenge would say. Consider that thanks enough.”

  Lucy, relieved, smiled again at Megumin, and—

  “God Blow!”

  “Eeeyargh?!”

  Our actual cleric, who couldn’t read the mood to save her life, blindsided Lucy with a huge punch.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?!” I exclaimed. “Here we were about to have a nice, happy ending for once, and you come charging in! She was obviously about to, like, move on peacefully or whatever, right?!”

  Megumin and Darkness, meanwhile, stood with their jaws open, overwhelmed by what had just happened.

  “That’s exactly why I did it! I’m not going to let some nobody follower of some nothing god give me lip and then run away!” Aqua, unable to maintain a mature attitude even in the face of a lost soul, stood there shaking with anger as the half-faded Lucy rubbed her cheek.

  The spirit pointed angrily at Aqua. “T
here’s no way you’re a goddess! And you wonder why nobody wants Axis followers anywhere near them?! Aren’t you embarrassed that Eris, your junior goddess, has more followers than you do? Eris worship is the official state religion, but the Axis Church? Forget it!”

  Aqua’s eyebrow started to twitch. . .

  “You’re one to talk! The last follower of an insignificant deity who’s about to vanish!”

  Aqua made to grab the smart-mouthed spirit, but Lucy, already mostly faded, just floated away.

  “O great and venerable Regina. . . As a follower of the goddess of revenge, I got the last word over this goddess, who has been outdone by her own junior. . .and now I’m going to run away undefeated. May your future be bright, my lady. . .”

  And that was it. The pious follower of the goddess of manipulation and revenge—

  “Waaaaaaahhh! She ran away before I could get the last word in!”

  —left this world with no regrets and one last victory that scarred the goddess of water.

  Chapter 4

  A Score to Settle with This Nasty Monster!

  1

  “Here, Komekko, there’s a piece of rice here.”

  It was the morning after the day Aqua had “defeated” Lucy’s ghost. Megumin was fussing over Komekko, who was having a breakfast large enough for several people. Megumin, watching her sister chow down, plucked a grain of rice off Komekko’s cheek and put it in her own mouth with a thin smile.

  “Sis, you stole my food!”

  “K-Komekko, that’s a terrible thing to say about someone when they’ve only taken one grain of rice! If you don’t want me to take anything, make sure you chew your food and eat a little more carefully. You don’t have to wolf down your breakfast quite so fast; it won’t run away.”

  Megumin spoke gently, but Komekko, her face completely serious, set her fork and knife on the table and said, “Once, the corn you picked in the fields ran away because you didn’t eat it fast enough.”

  “It’s time to let that go, Komekko—cooked food doesn’t flee!”

  Aqua, who had already finished her meal, was watching the girls and smiling. “Seeing them together like this makes me think siblings aren’t all bad. Hey, Kazuma, I think I want a little sister now. I hear there’s a magic item in this world that lets you change genders. I think you should try it out.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but the yearning for a little sister—that I can sympathize with. Little sisters are the best. Especially the ones who’ll call you Big Bro; they’re the best of the best.” I thought of Iris and felt a pang. And just then:

  “Emergency! Emergency! All adventurers, grab your gear and assemble at the Adventurers Guild. I repeat. All adventurers, please bring your equipment and come to the Guild.”

  It had been a while since I last heard the call to arms. Almost involuntarily, I looked over at Darkness, who was sipping tea beside me.

  “Kind of unusual, an emergency announcement at this time of year, isn’t it?” she said. “The cabbage harvest is over, and I haven’t heard about any big bounties in the area. What’s this about?” The announcement droned on in the background.

  Then came the kicker:

  “We especially and specifically request the aid of all members of the Crimson Magic Clan in the village. I repeat. Any and all available members of the Crimson Magic Clan, please report to the Guild.”

  The announcement got stranger and stranger. Darkness and I exchanged glances again.

  2

  “What’s going on here? What’s happening to this town?” Darkness demanded of the row of Guild employees who were waiting for us when we got to the Guild. In response, one of them ushered her inside. I guess they wanted to wait until everyone was there before explaining things.

  “Man, I really only want to live in peace,” I groaned. “But an emergency announcement means stuff is about to get dangerous around here again. . .”

  Megumin was nervous. “As for me, I’m more concerned about their insistence on the participation of all Crimson Magic Clan members. Technically, that includes Komekko, even though she can’t use magic yet, so I’ve brought her along just in case, but. . .”

  I could feel the anxiety radiating off her as I looked around.

  “Very sorry to keep you waiting!”

  Megumin suddenly found herself accosted by a helpful Guild employee. “Hmm. . .? What’s the meaning of this? Have I been awarded VIP status at the Guild on account of the widely and frequently recognized effectivity of my Explosion? I might argue you could have acknowledged me a little sooner, but anyway. . .”

  Someone else shouted to the guy waiting on Megumin: “No, not her. You can just ignore her. She’s the one I told you to take care of.”

  “Hey, ‘you can just ignore her’? Are you picking a fight with me?”

  But the employee disregarded the furious Megumin and bowed instead to Komekko. “Welcome, miss! We have some snacks prepared over here, if you wouldn’t mind following me this way!”

  Komekko was instantly stuck to the employee like glue. Megumin frantically stopped them. “Hey, I must ask you not to simply walk away with my little sister! What’s going on here? When did the Adventurers Guild become a den of lolicons? I may summon the police, depending on your answer.”

  “N-no, ma’am, there’s a reason for this! Oh, Miss Luna, perfect timing!” The employee practically threw himself at the receptionist, who came over to us with a smile.

  “You call for Crimson Magic Clan members, and then I find you trying to bribe people with food. What in the world is going on here?” Megumin said.

  “The Adventurers Guild is always looking for talented people,” Luna responded with confidence and pride. “So what could be more natural than for us to be interested in Komekko, a child born with the very ability to become an Arch-wizard?”

  “Excuse me, but I am also from the Crimson Magic Clan,” Megumin said.

  The receptionist quickly looked away from her. “A-ahem, so right this way, Miss Komekko! We have lots of treats for you!”

  “I said, I am also—”

  But Luna led Komekko into the building before Megumin could finish.

  Once she saw that all the adventurers were here, she announced, “Everyone, thank you for coming today! We apologize for such short notice.” She stood beside Komekko (who was stuffing her face with snacks) and smiled. “Now, to the matter at hand. First of all, I want to congratulate all our adventurers on your excellent work yesterday. We had by far our best quest completion percentage since the founding of the Axel Guild branch. And our own Aqua even exorcised Lucy’s ghost with her very hands! That’s our adventurers for you! That’s our Axel!”

  She was really leaning in to the flattery. I wondered what she was plotting. Everyone looked pretty pleased about it, though; I saw lots of people giving Aw, shucks scratches to their noses and the backs of their heads.

  “And so, on that note.” Luna’s tone changed abruptly. Great, here it came. “We have a new job for all you wonderful, accomplished adventurers!”

  Yep, saw that coming from a mile away. Trouble, trouble, trouble.

  “We grant that it’s just a little, tiny bit harder than yesterday’s quests, but we have complete confidence in our people!”

  Easy for her to say. A guy with a less-than-thrilled expression spoke up. “’Ey, Miss Luna, wait a minute. What say you tell us what this is about before you go charging ahead?”

  “Miss Luna” didn’t appear the least bit fazed by the remark, so other adventurers joined in.

  “Yeah, what’s this about being harder than yesterday’s jobs? Hell, this was an emergency summons, wasn’t it?!”

  “Gimme a break!”

  “I ran myself ragged yesterday! I can’t do another quest now!”

  “I was just gonna hang out at the bar all day. . .”

  The receptionist refused to let her smile slip in the face of the complaining adventurers. “There’s nothing to worry about. After al
l, Axel’s adventurers are the best in the entire nation!”

  There was no way she believed that. She certainly didn’t have any proof of it.

  “Aren’t they, Komekko?” Luna looked to Komekko, who was completely fixated on the pile of food on the table in front of her, for agreement. Ah. So that’s how it was going to be.

  “My big sis said the adventurers of Axel are super awesome. She said they would never run away from anyone, no matter how powerful they were!”

  Apparently, the previous day had given Luna a taste of how she could use Komekko to twist our arms, and she intended to get as many unwanted quests off the books as she could while the little girl was here. I wasn’t the only one who seemed to have figured out what was on the Guild employee’s mind. All the adventurers in the room were going pale. . .

  Finally, one desperate voice rose up from among us.

  “. . .Dammit, fine, I’ll do it. That’s all you want, right?! Bring on the nastiest, toughest quest you have!”

  That opened the floodgates.

  “Y-yeah, just watch me—I’ll show you what happens when an Axel magic-user gets serious!”

  I guess everyone was raring to go—again. Megumin, a drop of sweat beading on her forehead, reached out as if to stop them. “Um, everyone, you don’t need to exert yourselves so much. . .” But her voice was too soft for them to hear, and her hand just hung there.

  “H-hrmm,” Darkness mused from beside me. “I’m not sure I agree with her methods, but I have heard the adventurers around here have been exceptionally apathetic of late. It’s not only the quests nobody wants—they won’t even do normal quests. . . But, well, here we are.” I thought I saw her steal a glance at me. “It’s because of all those huge bounty heads we’ve toppled with you—everyone’s purses are getting heavier, and nobody wants to work. It sounds like there’s a direct correlation between how much time someone spends with you, Kazuma, and how much of a no-good NEET they become. Maybe this sort of gimmick was necessary to help keep Axel safe.”