The Arch-Wizard’s Little Sister

by Natsume Akatsuki

  The air froze.

  “G-geez, you can’t—”

  I ignored Aqua’s astonishment, looking directly at the motionless Leisure Queen. “You said humans are immensely important to you. But you meant immensely important as food, right?”

  The Queen looked at me, hurt, as if she might cry. Crap, this was really bugging my conscience right now. But there was something weird going on here. I was sure of it. She knew how the bell worked and was choosing her words carefully so as not to set it off.

  It’s okay, Kazuma. Believe in yourself.

  I had the instincts of an eternally cautious NEET. I didn’t have the proof yet, but I knew this creature had a dark heart.

  “Let me ask again. What happened to the bodies of the adventurers after you attended to them? Answer truthfully.”

  The Leisure Queen’s expression went from sad to lonely as she said, “They became my food. They’re a part of me, even now. . . They’ll live on forever inside me. I’m sure I shall never forget them. . . Does that satisfy you?” She glanced at me, her eyes suddenly hard. What was going on here—why was I being treated like the bad guy?

  “You’re a real monster, Kazuma. Did you drop your human heart somewhere? I’ll go find it for you if you just tell me where it is. Come on—out with it! Or did that amnesia potion make you forget how to be a decent human being?!”

  “Kazuma, I must say, your inquiries, the way you ask those questions. . . When Aqua went to touch this creature’s roots not long ago, did she not stop her? Surely she would have drained Aqua dry of her own volition.”

  Geez, everyone was piling on at once. But with the Queen’s last answer, I was finally sure. She was working a con job here. She understood exactly what this bell did and was treading lightly. She wouldn’t outright lie.

  “. . .Listen, guys, I’ve got a favor to ask. Would you leave me alone with her for a moment?”

  I needed them all out of there. Just the Queen and me.

  “And why would a monstrous NEET like you want to be alone with a sweet, innocent creature like her?”

  “Do not tell me you plan to gleefully exterminate her when we have our backs turned, like you did the Leisure Girl in Crimson Magic Village.”

  “Geez, don’t you trust me at all? Fine, I won’t slice her up while you aren’t looking. See, the bell didn’t ring, did it?”

  The silent magical item convinced Aqua and Megumin to leave the area.

  “Kazuma, I know monster hunting is an adventurer’s duty, that someone has to do it. But don’t paint yourself into a corner, okay?” Darkness alone, as usual, seemed slightly confused about what was going on—but at least I had everyone out of there now. I watched them go, then turned to the Leisure Queen.

  “Time to put all our cards on the table. I know exactly what you and your kind are. Tell me everything—no games, no hiding.”

  “. . .Oy, you,” the Leisure Queen said. “Doesn’t a body get tired, being suspicious of everyone all the time?”

  She was trying to give me a life lesson—almost as if she were human!

  5

  “There it is. This is rich, a plant lecturing a human.”

  “Talk about your small men. And you wonder why you’re still a virgin.”

  . . .

  “Listen, I don’t need an oversize vegetable telling me about my virginity. How does a monster like you even know a word like that? Some adventurer must have taught it to you.”

  “When you live as long as I have, you learn a few things. . . So what’s the story? Which of those three are you looking to get with?” The monster had dropped all pretense—and it turned out to be a lot of pretense.

  “This is why I hate wild monsters—no sense of discretion. And anyway, those three are my adventuring companions, so get your mind out of the gutter. I’m going to pull you up by the roots.”

  The Leisure Queen smiled indulgently at my threat. “Try it, and your ‘adventuring companions’ would come running. You really okay, seeing your Affection plummet with them? And you can drop the facade—human males are in heat basically year-round, right?”

  “In heat? Human males? I told you to have some decency when you pick your vocabulary! Us humans have a lot of steps to go through before we get to, you know, that stage. Humans are sensitive creatures—don’t act like we’re just another breed of monster.”

  The Leisure Queen cocked her head at that. “But from the moment we met, you haven’t taken your eyes off these.” She lifted her big, cushy-looking boobs, which were covered by thin cloth that hardly looked like it was made of leaves.

  “I’ve got a man’s intuition about these things. That’s simply a biological phenomenon—like photosynthesis or the way you plants spread your seeds in spring.”

  “I’ll cop to photosynthesis, but I’m above spraying my seeds everywhere. Don’t lump me in with lower forms of plant life. We manipulate humans, bend them to our will, and get them to move us over great distances. Long ago, when I was growing in a different spot, I begged to be moved somewhere the adventurers and the monsters weren’t so strong, and now here I am.”

  These things knew how to survive; I had to give them that.

  “Furthermore, unlike you humans or, say. . .goblins, we aren’t prepared to get our freak on all year long. We undergo root division only once every hundred years. You reproduce without even meaning to, but we seek harmony with nature.”

  “I object to your goblin analogy. You’re pissing me off here, plant.” I was getting lectures on ecology now? From a monster?

  “. . .So now you know exactly what I am. And what are you planning to do with that knowledge?” The Leisure Queen looked at me with respect but also vigilance, a complete change from earlier.

  “Oh, I think you already know. I’m an adventurer, and you’re a monster. That makes us mortal enemies, and that means there’s only one way out of this.”

  “What have I done wrong?” the Leisure Queen demanded. “Everyone who came to me did so of their own free will! Because passing away in my arms was so much better than just dropping dead with nobody to know or care! All I asked in return was to be able to put their corpses to good use. Those adventurers got to meet their ends peacefully and easily—no pain, no sadness. And I got my food. Everybody’s happy, so where is the problem, Mr. Hypocrite?”

  I was getting seriously sick of this plant. A little knowledge really was a dangerous thing, especially when a monster had it. “You think I’m going to let you get away with mouthing off to me like that? It’s extermination for you. According to the lady at the Guild, thanks to you, people have started coming to this forest specifically to commit suicide. It’s hurting the town’s image. Just to make sure that sort of thing never happens again, I’m going to put up a sign at the entrance to these woods with a nice, happy name on it.”

  “Well, hold on there—don’t be hasty. Anyway, I know perfectly well you don’t intend any harm.” The Leisure Queen gave me a nasty little smile.

  I didn’t intend any harm? What did that mean?

  “It’s been very nearly a century since I put down roots here. You think no one else ever caught on in all that time? And what do you think happened to those perspicacious souls?”

  I was starting to wish I hadn’t sent everyone else away. I’d been forgetting: This was no small-fry monster. The last Leisure Girl I’d run into had been living outside of Crimson Magic Village, an area crawling with powerful creatures. No run-of-the-mill opponent would have made it through the struggle for survival in that area.

  I reached for the sword at my hip, but she said, “Now, now, let’s keep our heads. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not here to bury you in an unmarked grave. In fact, I have a proposal I think you’ll like very much.” Then she pointed at her feet.

  “What are you playing at?”

  “Dig here. You’ll find something very valuable to you buried in this spot.”

  That was when I got it.

  The Leisure Queen used adventurers’ bodi
es for nutrition. But the metal objects those adventurers were wearing, the gear, the personal effects—where did those go? The answer was literally at her feet. She was saying. . .

  “You act awfully human for a monster. Trying to buy me off?”

  “It works out for both of us, doesn’t it? You make a little cash; I come away with my life. It’s win-win. I told you: We seek harmony with nature.”

  So she made sure to keep some money around for times like this. Ugh, I didn’t know about a monster who literally saved up to buy off bloodthirsty adventurers. But. . .

  “Sorry, you got the wrong opponent. My name is Kazuma Satou, Axel adventurer and vanquisher of a whole bunch of generals of the Demon King. If I’d been any normal adventurer, I think your little plan would’ve worked. But don’t imagine I’m like the rest of them, okay? All my great exploits have left me with more than enough money.”

  I set down my backpack, and for the first time, the Leisure Queen looked like she was starting to sweat. “H-hold on there. Just relax. I see now that you’re a man of exemplary integrity who can’t be moved by money. Yes, I was taking you too lightly. No question you’re the cleverest of all the adventurers I’ve ever run into. And rightfully proud, too—a true adventurer in every sense.”

  That got me to slow down for a moment. “You figure if bribery doesn’t work, you’ll try flattery? Too bad for you that the immense acclaim I’ve received has left me immune to just any old compliment. Why, until recently, I was forcing the maids in a castle to list ten or more good things about me every single day.”

  “And you can live with yourself that way? I’m a monster, and even I can tell there’s something wrong with you.” The Leisure Queen looked genuinely baffled. “. . .Hey now, what’s that? Hold on. What have you got in mind?” She went pale when she saw what I had pulled out of my backpack. I wasn’t exactly sure how a plant could “go pale,” but I let the question slide as I displayed my prize to her.

  “As you can see, it’s herbicide.”

  “Okay, I get it—let’s talk! I—you know—if you really hate my being here so much, I don’t mind if you transplant me to some distant mountain someplace. . . I’m begging you. Think about it: I swear I’ve never entrapped a human or taken them before their time. In fact, I only ever cared for elderly adventurers, and let it be said that I’ve been very good to them, really—you don’t know how many times I’ve heard the same stories; I’ve done everything—at least let me go out on a high note!”

  I can’t say I wasn’t touched by what she said, but I still didn’t stop. “Transplant you? But that giant tree is your real body, isn’t it?”

  “This entire forest is my real body. My roots are everywhere in these woods; if you uprooted the entire thing. . .”

  “As if! How much time do you think I have?” I opened the lid of the herbicide and set it on the ground.

  “I’m begging you—let me go! You want money? I’ll give you money. You want everything here? Take it! If you leave me be now, I’ll remember you for the rest of my life. You know, I remember every single adventurer I’ve ever cared for. You humans don’t live very long, but at least in my memory, you can live for ages. How about that? Even those with no offspring have someone to keep their memory alive. Isn’t that worth something? Come on. Let me gooo!”

  This thing was awfully talkative for a vegetable. But it was time to put an end to this chat. I took the bottle of herbicide in one hand and advanced on the Queen.

  “You’re kidding me, right? You said you wouldn’t hurt me. That lie-detecting bell didn’t even ring. What, did you have a change of heart? This is messed up! I know—this is just an attempt at intimidation!”

  “I didn’t say I wouldn’t hurt you. Two can play word games with this bell. I said, ‘I won’t slice her up while you aren’t looking.’ And I’m not slicing you up, am I? No lie.”

  Now the Leisure Queen was really scared. “You’re kidding me, right? L-look, I get it—let’s talk! I’ll do anything in my power! Like—what about these? You’ve been eyeing them since you got here! You can do anything you like with them!” She grabbed her chest and jiggled it pointedly. “I mean, really, what am I supposed to do? Using the bodies of dead humans is just recycling, isn’t it? I’m eco-friendly! I’m green! If you leave them lying around, they turn to dirt—what’s it matter if I absorb them instead?” Then all that chatter suddenly paused. “. . .Heeey, are you starting to come around after a good look at these?”

  “. . .No.”

  Just because I stole a peek at her bouncing bust, I wouldn’t say I was coming around. I knew I completely lacked any honor or integrity, but even I wasn’t so far gone that I would get hot for a plant monster. (The only monster I needed was a succubus.)

  “Come on! I’ve put everything on the table, so why don’t you do the same? No one has to know, eh? Be honest—you’re curious, aren’t you?”

  So this was the Leisure Queen, the subject of a quest renowned for its difficulty even among all the tasks nobody wanted to take on. What a wily and dangerous opponent—be strong, Kazuma Satou. You’re dealing with a plant, here. It’s literally the same thing as that sexy radish Vanir had the other day.

  “I’m a plant, and I draw nutrients from the earth—it’s practically instinctive for me. And you want to touch these—as a male, that’s your instinct. What’s wrong with instinct? Monsters are living things—I’m alive; you’re alive! Let’s follow our instincts and let nature take its course!”

  Instincts? Nature? I guess a plant monster would know a thing or two about nature.

  I was reaching out toward that chest, sort of vacantly, when I abruptly stopped myself. “What the hell am I doing?! You’re too dangerous—I was about to cross a line no human being should cross!”

  I snapped back to myself, and that was when the Leisure Queen realized that even sex wouldn’t work on me.

  “Eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!”

  The forest filled with a high-pitched scream.

  6

  “What? What happened?! Kazuma, what are you doing?!”

  “Kazuma, what is this you are about to scatter all over? Is this herbicide?!”

  The Leisure Queen’s scream had brought Aqua and the others running.

  “Good timing, you guys! Help me out here—I knew this thing was bad news!” I was feeling triumphant, but for some reason, the girls all gave me troubled looks.

  “I turn my back on you for a minute and look what happens. You obviously found some way to cheat that bell. Tell me what’s going on here!”

  “Aqua is right. Explain this situation.”

  I tried to recount my conversation with the plant, but the Leisure Queen, a glint in her eye, broke in. “This man suddenly tried to do something horrible to me. . .!”

  “Butt out!” I said, brandishing the herbicide at the mouthy weed.

  Darkness put a hand on my shoulder, clearly feeling awkward. “Kazuma, I have no idea what’s going on here. Why don’t you start by explaining it to us?”

  “I knew this thing was a blackhearted monster—the moment we were alone, she started talking; smoothest operator you’ve ever seen. Here, tell the bell. Tell everyone how the moment they left, your attitude changed completely. Just try pretending it didn’t with this thing here.” Cornered by the magical bell, the Leisure Queen didn’t say anything at all but only looked at us dejectedly. “Hey, drop the act. You’re gonna make everyone think I’m the villain here! Give it up and spit it out!”

  But I had been underestimating my opponent, forgetting that these monsters’ ecological niche basically consisted of entrapping people. Instead of answering me, the Leisure Queen dropped the biggest bombshell of all.

  “This man has been deeply interested in my chest all along. . .”

  “Hey, don’t change the subject.” I could feel Aqua and the others all looking at me. Then they looked at the bell—silent—and the air grew tense. “You know how to play the game; I’ll give you that. I didn’t think things would
go this far. But you’re not the only one who knows how to put this bell to good use. All right, girls, watch closely. Take a good look at just what this ‘Leisure Queen’ is! After you guys left, she turned into the nastiest, filthiest creature you ever saw!”

  No jingle from the lie-detecting bell, of course. Aqua and the others looked a little confused.

  “I—I recognize that I didn’t speak in the most refined manner. But please, I have an excuse!”

  Seeing the bell remain silent, the girls backed away, clearly wondering what exactly we had talked about. They were trying to decide which of us to believe. The Leisure Queen, realizing she was at a disadvantage, went on the offensive. “Wh-why, only a moment ago, you were reaching out for my chest—you were going to touch it!”

  Bell? Not a sound.

  “Oh, you wanna go there? Well, you were offering to let me squeeze your boobs if I spared your life!”

  “I never said anything so crude; don’t put words in my mouth!”

  The bell still didn’t ring, and the looks from the three women got colder and colder.

  “Damn, this isn’t getting us anywhere! I should never have bothered trying to talk to you—I should have gone right to brute force! This is what you get! Take this!” I grabbed the herbicide and sprinkled it on the Leisure Queen’s roots.

  “N-nooo, stop! A contest of power when I can’t even move? That’s not fair! You know you can’t win a contest of words with me, so you’re trying to overpower me instead—that’s dirty!”

  “Pipe down! What does a monster know about fighting fair? Ooh, you gonna throw down with me? Take your medicine! I’ve got plenty!”

  The creature was grabbing my arm in the hopes of stopping me from sprinkling any more plant killer on her.

  “Stop! Don’t do something so cruel! Don’t sprinkle such filth on me! I’ll be polluted! Somebody save me! Don’t let him put that dirty stuff on my lower half. . .”

  “You choose the worst possible way to word everything! I’m just sprinkling some herbicide at your feet!”