If You Could See Me Now

by Cecelia Ahern

  ‘Yes I am,’ he agreed. ‘Wearing different colours is my favourite thing now. It makes me feel even happier.’

  Elizabeth looked down at her black outfit and thought about that.

  ‘So what have you got there?’ he asked, breaking into her thoughts.

  ‘Oh, nothing,’ Elizabeth mumbled, folding the pages together.

  ‘Let me see it.’ He grabbed the sheets. ‘What have we got here? Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse,’ he flicked through the pages, ‘Winnie-the-Pooh, a racing car – and what’s this?’ He twirled the page round to get a better view.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ Elizabeth snapped, snatching the page from his hand.

  ‘That’s not nothing – nothing looks like this.’ He stared at her blankly.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she asked after a few moments’ silence.

  ‘Nothing, see?’ He held out his hands.

  Elizabeth stepped away from him, rolling her eyes. ‘Sometimes you are worse than Luke. I’m going to have a glass of wine, would you like anything? Beer, wine, brandy?’

  ‘A ssalg of klim, please.’

  ‘I wish you’d stop speaking backwards,’ she snapped, handing him a glass of milk. ‘For a change?’ she asked irritatedly, throwing her pages into the bin.

  ‘No, that’s what I always have,’ he said rather perkily, eyeing her suspiciously. ‘Why is that cabinet locked?’

  ‘Em …’ she faltered, ‘so Luke can’t get at the alcohol.’ She couldn’t say it was to keep Saoirse out. Luke had taken to hiding the key in his room whenever he heard his mother coming.

  ‘Oh. What are you doing on the twenty-ninth?’ Ivan swung himself around on the tall bar stool at the breakfast table and watched Elizabeth rooting through the wine bottles, face twisted in concentration.

  ‘When is the twenty-ninth?’ She locked the cabinet and searched through the drawer for a corkscrew.

  ‘It’s on Saturday.’

  Her cheeks pinked and she looked away, giving her full concentration to opening the wine bottle. ‘I’m going out on Saturday.’

  ‘Where to?’

  ‘A restaurant.’

  ‘With who?’

  She felt like it was Luke firing questions at her. ‘I’m meeting Benjamin West,’ she said, still keeping her back turned. She just couldn’t face turning round right at that moment but she didn’t know why she felt so uncomfortable.

  ‘Why are you meeting him on Saturday? You don’t work on Saturdays,’ Ivan stated.

  ‘It’s not about work, Ivan. He doesn’t know anybody here and we’re going to get something to eat.’ She poured the red wine into a crystal glass.

  ‘Eat?’ he asked incredulously. ‘You’re going to eat with Benjamin?’ His voice went up a few octaves.

  Elizabeth’s eyes widened and she spun round, glass in hand. ‘Is that a problem?’

  ‘He’s dirty and he smells,’ Ivan stated.

  Elizabeth’s mouth dropped open; she didn’t know how to reply to that.

  ‘He probably eats with his hands. Like an animal,’ Ivan continued, ‘or a caveman, half man half animal. He probably hunts for—’

  ‘Stop it, Ivan,’ Elizabeth started laughing.

  He stopped.

  ‘What’s really wrong?’ She raised an eyebrow at him and sipped her wine.

  He stopped spinning on his chair and stared at her. She stared back. She saw him swallow, his Adam’s apple moving down his throat. His childishness disappeared and he appeared to her as a man, big, strong, with such a presence. Her heartbeat quickened. His eyes didn’t move from her face and she couldn’t look away, couldn’t move.

  ‘Nothing’s wrong.’

  ‘Ivan, if you’ve got anything to say to me, you should say it,’ Elizabeth said firmly. ‘We’re big boys and girls now.’ The corner of her lips twitched at that.

  ‘Elizabeth, would you come out with me on Saturday?’

  ‘Ivan, it would be rude of me to cancel the appointment at such short notice – can’t we go out another night?’

  ‘No,’ he said firmly, stepping off the stool. ‘It has to be July the twenty-ninth. You’ll see why.’

  ‘I can’t—’

  ‘You can,’ he interrupted her firmly. He took her by her elbows. ‘You can do whatever you want. Meet me at Cobh Cúin at 10 p.m. on Saturday.’

  ‘Cobh Cúin? And why so late?’

  ‘You’ll see why,’ he repeated, tipped his cap and disappeared as quickly as he had arrived.

  Before I left the house I called in to Luke in the playroom.

  ‘Hey there, stranger,’ I said, collapsing on the beanbag.

  ‘Hi, Ivan,’ Luke said, watching TV.

  ‘Have you missed me?’

  ‘Nope,’ Luke smiled.

  ‘Wanna know where I’ve been?’

  ‘Smooching with my aunt.’ Luke closed his eyes and did fake kisses in the air before collapsing into hysterical laughter.

  My mouth dropped open. ‘Hey! What makes you say that?’

  ‘You love her,’ Luke laughed, and continued watching cartoons.

  I thought about that for a while. ‘Are you still my friend?’

  ‘Yep,’ Luke replied, ‘but Sam is my best friend.’

  I pretended to be shot in the heart.

  Luke looked away from the television to face me with hopeful big blue eyes. ‘Is my aunt your best friend now?’

  I thought about that carefully. ‘Do you want her to be?’

  Luke nodded emphatically.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘She’s much better fun, she doesn’t give out to me as much and she lets me colour in the white room.’

  ‘Jinny Joe day was fun, wasn’t it?’

  Luke nodded again. ‘I’ve never seen her laugh so much.’

  ‘Does she give you big hugs and play lots of games with you?’

  Luke looked at me as if that was a ridiculous idea and I sighed, worried about the small part of me that felt relieved.

  ‘Ivan?’

  ‘Yes, Luke.’

  ‘Remember you told me that you can’t stay around all the time, that you have to go to help other friends and so I shouldn’t feel sad.’

  ‘Yes.’ I swallowed hard. I dreaded that day.

  ‘What will happen to you and Aunt Elizabeth when that happens?’

  And then I worried about the part in the centre of my chest that pained when I thought about that.

  I stepped into Opal’s office, hands in my pockets and wearing my new red T-shirt and a new pair of black jeans. Red felt good on me today. I was angry. I didn’t like the tone in Opal’s voice when she called me.

  ‘Ivan,’ she said, putting down her feather pen and looking up at me. Gone was her beaming smile that once used to greet me. She looked tired, bags hung under her eyes and her dreadlocks were down around her face and not in one of her usual styles.

  ‘Opal,’ I imitated her tone, throwing one leg over the other as I sat before her.

  ‘What are the things you teach your students about becoming a part of your new friend’s life?’

  ‘Assist don’t hinder, support don’t oppose, help and listen don’t—’

  ‘You can stop right there.’ She raised her voice and cut in on my bored tones. ‘Assist and don’t hinder, Ivan.’ She allowed those words to hang in the air. ‘You made her cancel a dinner reservation with Benjamin West. She could have made a friend, Ivan.’ She stared at me, her black eyes like coal. Any more anger and they would have gone on fire.

  ‘Can I remind you that the last time Elizabeth Egan made any reservations with anyone for non-business purposes was five years ago. Five years ago, Ivan,’ she stressed. ‘Can you tell me why you undid all that?’

  ‘Because he’s dirty and he smells,’ I laughed.

  ‘Because he’s dirty and he smells,’ she repeated, making me feel stupid. ‘Then let her figure that out for herself. Don’t overstep your mark, Ivan.’ With that she looked back down at her work and continued writing, the feather blow
ing as she scribbled furiously.

  ‘What’s going on, Opal?’ I asked her. ‘Tell me what’s really going on.’

  She looked up, anger and sadness in her eyes. ‘We are incredibly busy, Ivan, and we need you to work as quickly as you can and move on instead of hanging around and undoing the good work you’ve already done. That’s what’s going on.’

  Stunned by her chastising I silently left her office. I didn’t believe her for one minute but whatever was happening in her life was her own business. She’d change her mind about Elizabeth cancelling her dinner with Benjamin as soon as she saw what I had planned for the twenty-ninth.

  ‘Oh, and, Ivan,’ Opal called out.

  I stopped at her doorway and turned. She was still looking down and writing as she spoke. ‘I’ll need you to come in here next Monday to take over for a while.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked with disbelief.

  ‘I’m not going to be here for a few days. I need you to cover for me.’

  That had never happened before. ‘But I’m still in the middle of a job.’

  ‘Good to hear you’re still calling it that,’ she snapped. Then she sighed, put down her feathered pen and looked up. She looked as if she was going to cry. ‘I’m sure Saturday will be such a success you won’t need to be there next week, Ivan.’

  Her voice was so soft and genuine that I forgot that I was angry at her and realised for the first time that if it was any other situation, she would be right.

  Chapter 29

  Ivan placed the finishing touches to the dinner table, snipped a stem of fuchsia that was growing wild and placed it in the small vase in the centre. He lit a candle and watched as the flame darted in the breeze, like a dog running around the garden yet chained to his kennel. Cobh Cúin was silent, just as the name, which literally meant silent cave, suggested, christened hundreds of years ago by the locals and untouched since then. The only sound was the water gently lapping, swishing back and forth, and tickling the sand. Ivan closed his eyes and swayed to the music. A small fishing boat tied to the pier bobbed up and down on the sea, occasionally bumping the side of the pier and adding a soft drumbeat.

  The sky was blue and beginning to darken with a few stray wisps of teenage clouds lagging behind the older clouds of hours ago. The stars twinkled brightly and Ivan winked back at them; they too knew what was coming. Ivan had asked the head chef at the work canteen to help him out tonight. He was the same chef responsible for catering the tea parties in the back gardens of best friends but this time he went all out. He had created the most luscious spread Ivan could have imagined. For starter was foie gras and toast cut into neat little squares, followed by wild Irish salmon and asparagus cooked in garlic, followed by a white chocolate mousse with dribbles of raspberry sauce for dessert. The aromas were being lifted by the warm gulf wind and being carried past his nose, tickling his taste buds.

  He played around with the cutlery nervously, fixing all that didn’t need to be fixed, tightened his new blue silk tie, loosened it again, opened the button of his navy-blue suit jacket and decided to close it again. He had been so busy all day arranging the setup that he had barely taken time to think about the feelings that were stirring inside him. Glancing at his watch and at the darkening sky, he hoped Elizabeth would come.

  Elizabeth drove down the narrow winding road slowly, barely able to see past the end of her nose in the thick blackness of the countryside. Wild flowers and hedge growth reached out to brush the sides of her car as she passed. Her full headlights startled moths, mosquitoes and bats as she drove in the direction of the sea. Suddenly the inky veil lifted as she reached a clearing and the whole world was spread out before her.

  Ahead were thousands of miles of ebony sea glistening under the moonlight. Inside the small cove was a tiny fishing boat tied up beside the steps, the sand was a velvety brown, the edges being licked and teased by the approaching tide. But it wasn’t the sea that took her breath away; it was the sight of Ivan standing in the sand, dressed in a smart new suit, beside a small beautifully set table for two, a candle flickering in the centre, casting shadows across his smiling face.

  The sight was enough to bring a tear from a stone. It was an image her mother had stamped in her mind, an image she had whispered excitedly into her ear about moonlit dinners on the beach, so much so that her mother’s dreams had become her own. And there Ivan was, standing in the picture Elizabeth and her mother had painted so vividly and that had remained etched in Elizabeth’s mind. She understood the phrase of not knowing whether to laugh or cry and so she unashamedly did both.

  Ivan stood proudly, blue eyes glistening in the moonlight. He ignored her tears, or rather, accepted them.

  ‘My dear,’ he bowed theatrically, ‘your moonlit dinner awaits you.’

  Wiping her eyes and smiling a smile so big Elizabeth felt she could light the entire world, she took his extended hand and stepped out of the car.

  Ivan took a sharp intake of breath. ‘Wow, Elizabeth, you look stunning.’

  ‘Wearing red is my favourite thing to do now,’ she imitated him, taking his arm and allowing him to lead her to the dinner table.

  After much humming and hawing Elizabeth had purchased a red dress that accentuated her slender figure, giving her curves she never even knew she had. She had taken it on and off at least five times before she left the house, feeling too exposed in such a bright colour. To prevent herself from feeling like a traffic light she had brought a black pash-mina to drape over her shoulders.

  The white Irish table linen flapped in the light warm breeze and Elizabeth’s hair tickled her cheek. The sand was cool and soft beneath her feet, like fluffy carpet, and was protected in the cove from the sharp wind. Ivan pulled out her chair for her and she sat. Then he reached for her serviette, which had been wrapped in a stem of fuchsia, and he laid it on her lap.

  ‘Ivan, this is beautiful, thank you,’ she whispered, not feeling able to lift her voice over the peaceful lapping water.

  ‘Thank you for coming,’ he smiled, pouring her a glass of red wine. ‘Now for starters we have foie gras.’ He reached under the table and retrieved two plates covered in silverware. ‘I hope you like foie gras,’ he said, frown lines appearing on his forehead.

  ‘I love it,’ Elizabeth smiled.

  ‘Phew.’ The muscles in his face relaxed. ‘It doesn’t really look like grass,’ he said, examining his plate closely.

  ‘It’s goose liver, Ivan,’ Elizabeth laughed, spreading some on her toast. ‘What made you choose this cove?’ she asked, wrapping the shawl tighter around her shoulders as the breeze began to chill.

  ‘Because it’s quiet and because it’s a perfect location away from streetlights,’ he explained, munching on his food.

  Elizabeth thought it better not to ask any questions, knowing Ivan had his own peculiar way.

  After dinner Ivan turned to look at Elizabeth, who had her hands wrapped around her wine glass and was staring wistfully out to the sea. ‘Elizabeth,’ his voice was soft, ‘will you lie with me on the sand?’

  Elizabeth’s heartbeat quickened. ‘Yes.’ Her voice was husky. She couldn’t think of a better way to end the evening with him. She was longing to touch him, for him to hold her. Elizabeth made her way to the water’s edge and sat down on the cool sand. She felt Ivan padding behind her.

  ‘You’re going to have to lie on your back for this to work,’ he said loudly, looking down at her.

  Elizabeth’s mouth dropped open. ‘Excuse me?’ She wrapped the shawl protectively around her shoulders.

  ‘If you don’t lie back, this just won’t work,’ he repeated, putting his hands on his hips. ‘Look, like this.’ He sat down beside her and lay back on the sand. ‘You have to be flat on your back, Elizabeth. It’s best this way.’

  ‘Is it now?’ Elizabeth stiffened and clambered to get to her feet. ‘Was all this,’ she gestured around the cove, ‘just to get me flat on my back, as you so beautifully phrased it?’ she asked, hurt.

&nb
sp; Ivan stared up at her from the sand, eyes wide with a flabbergasted look on his face. ‘Well …’ he stalled, trying to think of an answer, ‘actually, yes,’ he squeaked. ‘It’s just that, it’s better when it peaks, for you to be flat on your back,’ he stuttered.

  ‘Ha!’ Elizabeth spat and, putting her shoes back on, she struggled through the sand to get back to her car.

  ‘Elizabeth, look!’ Ivan shouted with excitement. ‘It’s peaked! Look!’

  ‘Uugh,’ Elizabeth grunted, climbing the small sand dune to her car. ‘You really are disgusting!’

  ‘It’s not disgusting!’ Ivan said, panic in his voice.

  ‘That’s what they all say,’ Elizabeth grumbled, fumbling in her bag for her car keys. Unable to see into her bag in the dark, she leaned it towards the moonlight and as she glanced up, her mouth dropped open. Above her, in the black cloudless sky, was a hive of activity. Stars glowed brighter than she had ever seen before, some darting across the sky.

  Ivan lay on his back, staring up to the night sky.

  ‘Oh,’ Elizabeth said quietly, feeling foolish, glad that the darkness was hiding her skin absorbing the colour of her dress. She stumbled back down the sand dune, removed her shoes, allowed her feet to curl into the sand and took a few steps closer to Ivan. ‘It’s beautiful,’ she whispered.

  ‘Well, it would be a lot more beautiful if you lay flat on your back like I told you to,’ Ivan huffed, crossing his arms across his chest and staring up to the sky.

  Elizabeth covered her mouth with her hand and tried not to laugh out loud.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re laughing at. No one accused you of being disgusting,’ he said smartly.

  ‘I thought you were talking about something else,’ Elizabeth giggled, sitting down on the sand beside him.

  ‘Why else would I be asking you to lie flat on your back?’ Ivan asked in a dull tone and then he turned to her, his voice rising a few octaves, his eyes mocking. ‘Oh,’ he sang.