Nan's Journey

by Elaine Littau

  “I feel like a baby being rocked in my mama’s arms.”

  “Good. It shouldn’t take but a couple of days to get down to town. We will stop in a bit to eat some of the cold biscuits and bacon I packed. You can stretch your legs if you want, or lay down flat. We won’t take a long break but we will make camp about an hour before dark. Of course, Teddy will let us know when he is in need of nursing.”

  In another hour they stopped for dinner. Fred placed blankets on a grassy spot that the snow had melted from. He unwrapped Nan and brought Teddy to her. She laughed as she removed the deerskin tent from the cradleboard. Teddy was sucking his bottom lip in hunger. When he saw his mother he began to whimper. “Come, little one. Mama has your dinner ready for you.”

  Fred took little Teddy out of the cradleboard and placed him in Nan’s arms. He ate hungrily and fell fast asleep. Fred rearranged the covers and laced him back into his little cocoon.

  “He looks very content doesn’t he?”

  “So, Nan, are you content? How are you really doing?”

  “If you are asking about my seeing the trapper, I have decided that maybe it was a horrible dream or something while I was in labor. I don’t really know how to explain something that seemed so real to me.”

  “You will feel better as soon as we can get your strength back. Ma will see to that!”

  “Yep, your Mama is a nurturer that’s for sure.”

  “Elmer, you doing okay? How’s the coat working?”

  “Warm as toast!”

  “Was Teddy too heavy for you?”

  “He don’t weigh nothing.”

  “Well then, let’s get moving.”

  The air grew warmer the farther down the pass they traveled. Nan could hear the streams crashing down the mountainside. They sounded alive. Birds sang in the sunshine and she could hear the sound of the hooves on rocks and dirt. She asked Fred, “Is the snow all gone where we are now?”

  “Let me set you up a little straighter so that you can see more.”

  He shifted her into an upright position and she could see the lay of the land. Down the pass most of the snow was melted. There were very few patches left here and there. Wild flowers were springing forth in a riot of color across the big meadow. She could see that they were almost down the mountain. It would grow dark soon, so they had to make camp. They would be in town within a week if they got an early start. If she knew anything about Fred, it was that they always got an early start. That thought brought a smile to her lips. Fred looked down at her and saw the smile, and prayed that he would be able to make her smile like that all the time.

  Fred and Elmer set up camp together. Nan held little Teddy in the cradleboard until the spot where she would sleep was made ready. She was given orders to lean against the pile of saddle blankets until her bed ready. She was not allowed to stand with the baby or even walk by herself. She did not resist the orders because she really was too tired to fight them. Fred lifted her and the baby into his arms and carried her to a bed made of the buffalo hide that had been wrapped around her all day, as well as the deer skins and quilts. He added another buffalo hide to cover her with. Fred explained that he and Elmer would be sharing the bed with her and the baby eventually. Their body heat would keep all of them warm. Elmer unlaced baby Teddy from his trappings and laid him next to Nan. Elmer gave both of them a quick kiss on the forehead and ran to find firewood. Presently he returned with his arms full of dead branches.

  “Great job, Pard. Tear the small twigs off, then the larger ones and then break the biggest ones across your knee like this.” Fred demonstrated.

  Fred drug a large dead log to the camp and began chopping it with his axe. He split it and split it again. Before long Elmer and Fred had a nice fire going and Nan watched from the vantage point of her warm bed. Teddy was sleeping soundly after nursing. Nan snuggled closer to the little one. He was so soft and smelled so sweet. She couldn’t breathe in enough of him. The little lips smacked and made sucking noises. His soft dark lashes swept across the rosy cheeks. He was growing and filling out. She watched his little chest rise and fall in deep sleep. She was so glad she had him. She was glad he hadn’t been stolen as she had at first thought. It had been so real… but it wasn’t real. Her baby was here next to her sleeping like an angel.

  After an early start the four travelers arrived at Ma and Pa’s home in the early afternoon of the eighth day. It had taken a little longer than Fred had estimated due to the baby needing nourishment every few hours. It had been a long time since he had to factor in the needs of an infant, but Fred didn’t mind.

  *****

  “Bless my soul, its Fred and Nan … and Elmer too of course!”

  “And baby Teddy!” Elmer added.

  “Baby Teddy! You mean that you have already had that child!”

  Elmer turned around so that Grandma could see the infant in the cradleboard. “Dear me, he is so tiny! Honey, he is too small! Is he okay?”

  “As far as we can tell he is fine, Ma,” Fred said.

  “Get him out of that contraption so that I can hold my grandson! And, Nan, where is Nan?”

  “Right here!” Nan cried.

  “Lands sakes, girl, you looked like a sack of feed or something!”

  Nan laughed and said, “I kinda feel like a sack of feed or something!”

  Pa came running out of the house and observed Nan in her confining position. “You want me to set you free, sweetie?”

  “Please do!”

  “Nan, just stand there and don’t try to walk. I will carry you.” Fred said.

  “Why, what’s wrong that she can’t walk herself?” Pa asked.

  “She is too weak to go more that a step without falling.”

  “I’m sorry I’m such a baby!”

  “Nonsense, lets just get all of you inside.”

  Fred lifted Nan and carried her inside followed by his Ma and Pa with Elmer and Teddy.

  “She will need to take to the bed right now, if you don’t mind, Ma.”

  “Bring her to your old room, son.” Martha quickly turned down the covers with one hand and she held little Teddy with the other. Fred laid her gently on the bed and told her to rest while he got her things unloaded. He would help her into a clean nightgown as soon as he brought everything in. She nodded and found that the soft feather bed was lulling her to sleep against her efforts to stay awake.

  As Fred exited the room he found his father in the kitchen. “Pa, can you please get the doc for me to look at Nan and Teddy? I think Teddy is all right, although he is terribly small, but Nan isn’t getting her strength back at all.”

  The kindly doctor listened attentively to Fred as he described the day of Teddy’s birth.

  “Now, I have a suspicion that there is more to the story than what you have told me, Fred.”

  “Doc, she has been confused and frightened every since that day.”

  “In what way?”

  “She …ah… thought that someone came into the cabin and stole the baby.”

  “Who would do that? Where would an idea like that come from?”

  “She had seen some trappers that she was afraid of. They are very rough living men, you know, so…”

  “She thought one of them came to the cabin?”

  “Actually, she thought that one of them stole her baby to be exact. I had to reassure her that baby Teddy was there and had not been stolen.”

  “That doesn’t make sense. Why would a trapper want a baby? You let her hold little Teddy and see him right away?”

  “Yes. I think that she finally has realized that she has had a very terrible dream. She has finally begun to eat a little more.”

  “She is very thin, Fred. We will have to watch her very carefully. Let me examine her more closely and you stay here.”

  Nan opened her tired eyes as the doctor came into the room.

  “May I examine you to be certain that you are healing properly from the birth of that little boy of yours?”

 
“Yes, doctor.”

  Dr. Benson was amazed at exactly how thin Nan had become. He had not realized how bony she was until he pressed on her stomach.

  “Little Mama, you are going to have to eat! Teddy needs his mother to be strong and healthy. I want you to drink plenty of milk and force yourself to eat a plate of food each meal time.”

  “I will try.”

  The doctor lowered his voice, “Nan, why are you so fearful? Tell me what is so heavy on your mind.”

  Nan began sobbing great and terrible moaning sobs.

  “What is it? Talk to me girl. I promise I won’t tell anyone anything if you don’t want me to.”

  “Oh, doctor, I don’t know where to begin!”

  “Start at the first time you began to feel fear and we will go from there.”

  Nan began by telling about escaping from her stepmother with Elmer. She told about the kidnap and rape by the trappers and ended with her fear that one of them had come into the cabin and stolen her baby.

  Dr. Benson sat there listening to the frail girl tell her story. There was a lot of suffering for one so young to digest. “Nan, have you told anyone about any of this?”

  “Fred knows everything…and Elmer.”

  “The baby was fathered by one of the trappers then…”

  “Yes.”

  “Unless when you and Fred came together…”

  “No, Fred has been very understanding and kind to me. He hasn’t touched me.”

  “I see. No one else knows about the rape?”

  “Fred wanted to protect me from vicious tongues.”

  “That was probably wise. Do his Ma and Pa know?”

  “No.”

  “He is very protective of you.”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you blame him for not being around when the men attacked you?”

  “No. I don’t think so. Doctor, the dream I had about one of them stealing my baby was just so real, I don’t know how to deal with it.”

  “In medical school we learned that the mind does play tricks on people who have been through great trauma. I think that may be the case here. But, young one, you are going to be fine. When you become frightened look at that little baby and realize that he is here and safe. Fred and Elmer are devoted to you and will always be here.”

  “Doctor, I have a very odd question to ask you, if I may.”

  “Yes?”

  “Why? Why do so many things go wrong in my life?”

  “Nan, we may never know the answer to that but my opinion is that you have already had your share of tragedy, so things will definitely be better from this point on.”

  “Promise?”

  “If you try hard to take good care of yourself, yep, I promise.”

  As the doctor left the room he saw Fred standing in the kitchen. “Doctor, you were in there such a long time. Is Nan going to be all right? Is she…all right?”

  “Fred will you walk with me?”

  “Surely. Is she ..what’s wrong with her? Will she live?”

  The evening air was brisk as they strolled down the street toward the doctor’s residence. “Yes, if she finds the will to live.”

  “What do you mean? Could she die?”

  “Nan has been through a lot. It is a wonder that she has lived this long.” Doc darted a look at Fred’s face. Fred looked startled. The doctor stopped at the door of his office, “Fred, she told me everything. About the beatings from her stepmother and the attack of the trappers and the way you rescued her.”

  Fred pushed his hat back and wiped the sweat from his brow. “I can’t believe that she told you all of that. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Fred, I think you need to tell me about what you plan to do from here on.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The way I see it is that you married the girl from pity or guilt and now you don’t know what to do.”

  “No. You have it all wrong! I love her. With all my heart I love her!”

  Doc squinted his eyes and looked hard at Fred. “Tell me how that came about.”

  “At first I thought she was a lot younger than she is. The thought of love never entered my mind. When I came to the cabin and Nan had been taken, I thought I couldn’t stand it if I never saw her again. I had to go after her.”

  “You married her because…”

  “You know what happened to her. I thought that if she was in the family way I should stand by her… so no one could find fault in her. You know how people are!”

  “Did she care for you?”

  “I think she was relieved to be married because her stepparents couldn’t get to her then.”

  “And now?”

  “I think she loves me as a brother.”

  “Is that enough for you? Will you stay with her?”

  “Yes. Even if she never loves me the way I love her I will stay with her. I also love Elmer and Teddy.”

  “So Teddy is to be regarded as your son?”

  “Of course. Doc, please don’t let any of this get out. It would hurt Nan.”

  “I will tell no one.”

  “Doc, I have been feeling so guilty about loving Nan. I feel as if I am taking away from the love I had for Claire. Claire and Joy were everything to me. I have held them in my heart so long and never want to forget what we had together as a family.”

  “Fred, Claire and Joy have been gone for nigh unto two years now. She loved you so much. I don’t think she would want you to make an idol of your love.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When you hold the memory someone that close to your heart and don’t let anyone else in, you have made a shrine and set her memory up as something to worship. God is the only one we are to worship.”

  “I never saw it that way. I just have been missing them so much.”

  “I think God gave Nan and Elmer to you just in the nick of time. You were away from everyone for such a long time.”

  “I’m glad that they came when they did. I think Claire would approve of Nan. Nan is much different than Claire, but it is like comparing sunset and sunrise. They each have a beauty of spirit.”

  “Spoken like a man in love.”

  “Thank you for your insight, friend.”

  “I think Nan needs to know that you love her not as a sister, but as a woman. You need to tell her so that she will try harder to get well.”

  “You don’t think it would confuse her more?”

  “Trust me, Fred, you must tell her today.”

  *****

  Fred eased the door to the bedroom open and gazed at Nan nursing the infant. She was stretched out on the bed with the child nestled by her side. It was a beautiful picture. She looked up at him and smiling said, “Teddy is nursing better now. I think he looks better don’t you?”

  “Yes, you both look much better since you arrived here. Nan, I need to tell you something before I lose my nerve.”

  Nan paled and put her hand to her throat in despair.

  “No, Nan, you aren’t in danger. I just need to tell you that …well… you mean everything to me. I love you. I don’t expect anything from you but I do hope that with time we can be more than friends. You might grow to love me like a husband. If you do, I would be so happy. If you don’t, I won’t be changing the way I feel about you. There, I said it. It needed to be said.”

  “Fred, I am afraid that you think you love me and what you really feel is pity. You don’t have to worry about loving me that way. I know that you have a good heart.”

  “I may have felt enormous pity for you and Elmer at first. Goodness knows I have! Let me tell you this, if you were no longer in my life I feel like I would die. I know what love feels like. I do love you. I felt guilty because I love you so much… mainly because I felt I was being untrue to Claire—but Nan, you have captured a brand new place in my heart. The heart that I thought had died two years ago. It beats for you.”

  “Oh Fred!” A bright smile chased across her tired face and tears stood in her e
yes, “I do love you!”

  Fred knelt next to the bed and gathered her and Teddy into his arms, “We are truly a family now!”

  Chapter 21

  Mary threw out the last of the wash water onto the large garden. It was the last of the diapers washed and up on the line. Her sweet baby boy lay in a basket next to the clothesline. She breathed in the smell of the drying clothes flapping in the breeze.

  The lye soap and sunshine concocted a fragrance that could not be duplicated. Funny, the smell took her right back to her childhood. Her Ma had her help with hanging up the wash. She enjoyed the chore. It was one chore complemented by her Ma. Goodness, there surely was a lot to wash on washday.

  She stood back and surveyed the clothes on the line. She almost giggled when she saw Mr. Dewey’s overalls flapping in the wind. They almost looked to be walking. There were dozens of diapers all lined up crisp and clean. She was right proud of her expertise in the laundry department. Her Ma always told her that you could tell a woman who was worth her salt by the cleanliness of her laundry. It had to be done on Monday, rain or shine. It was a mark of a lazy woman if it were put off to Tuesday.

  Tuesday had its own set of chores. Man alive, I have wasted way too much time thinking on the past this morning. I have much to do!

  She tested the corner of one of the diapers and found that it was almost dry already. She would feed her little darling first and then gather them in to fold up. Feeding him was her favorite activity ever. She had the luxury of rocking him and trying to memorize every part of his little face. She observed his long lashes that softly brushed against his cheeks while he slept. Those eyes! Blue and sharp, they looked intelligently and lovingly at her. She could gaze into those eyes forever. His little mouth looked like a baby rosebud. He was perfect.

  Mr. Dewey was even fond of him. He had gone to Trinidad to see the lawyer this week to “set some of the estate to rights.” It was good to have him gone for the week so that she could cuddle and kiss her sweet baby. Mr. Dewey didn’t want her “fussing” over him very much, but Mary had so much love bustin’ in her heart that she couldn’t help but kiss the soft rosy cheeks. Baby Sammy cooed and smacked his rosebud lips. “Li’l Darlin’, let me put you in your cradle while I gather those diapers.”