Nan's Journey

by Elaine Littau

  Fred crossed the room and planted a small kiss on baby Teddy’s forehead. Nan smelled the fresh scent of shaving soap as Fred hovered close to the babe. He turned his merry, lightening blue eyes onto his pretty wife and exchanged a bright smile. Did she know that his heart was bursting with joy? The kiss she placed on his cheek answered him in the affirmative. “Come home as soon as you can, Fred,” she said.

  “I will. When I return we can start moving into the cottage down the lane if you are up to it.” He grinned.

  “Your ma and I have been cleaning and preparing the house for days. We will be ready when you get home.”

  Fred grabbed his mother and gave her a bear hug. “Pray, little woman, pray. I am counting on you to hold me up to the Lord for His help while I preach.”

  “Your Pa and I will be in constant prayer for you while you are gone.”

  “Nan, I need your prayers too.”

  “I will do my best,” she said.

  “So long, I will be back soon.”

  *****

  Fred climbed onto the train as it was leaving the station. He had to run the half mile from his folk’s house. He allowed that he spent a little too long in his goodbyes. He felt a grin creep upon his face. He was a happy man. With that thought he reached into his bag and retrieved his worn Bible and began to read. After reading, dozing and taking his lunch, Fred began to observe the beauty of the scenery passing by his window.

  The sun was stealing over the mountains and site seeing was almost over for the day. The sky was spread with a golden glow. Darkness fell quickly. The stars emerged one by one like reluctant parishioners entering a church. The light cloud cover kept most of the heavenly bodies hidden from view. Thoughts began to step into Fred’s mind slowly and surely. “Am I ready to preach again? Will I experience God’s Presence as I did in bygone days? Is He still with me?”

  The thoughts marched through his head to the rhythm of the wheels of the train. Eventually Fred was sound asleep.

  The conductor passed through the almost vacant car and spoke to the lone passenger. “Next stop, Campo.”

  Fred opened his eyes and nodded to the older gentleman. “Thank you, sir.”

  “Get ready for a quick exit. Campo is only a whistle stop. Good day, young man.”

  “God be with you.”

  Chapter 23

  Reverend Mark Hall stepped up to the pulpit and surveyed the crowd gathered for the special meeting. There was the usual group of Pharisees, he thought of the self-righteous group. There were the sweet-faced couples who came to truly worship God. There were people who were totally away from God who came for the social standing that church attendance secured in the community, and there were the people who were seeking something that could bring them peace.

  Quietly Mary Dewey entered the sanctuary with her new baby. Mark smiled and was glad that she had come. There had been times in prayer that the Lord had put her troubled face before him. When he first met her, he hadn’t noticed the unsettled spirit in her, but since praying specifically for her he had seen a tortured soul behind those eyes.

  She held her own with the women of the church, but he knew that she was forcing herself to be someone unfamiliar to herself. The door opened once more and an elderly woman who had recently lost her dear husband came in to join the number. He smiled warmly at his new congregation. They had accepted his appointment to the church in stride. He had so recently come to them that they had yet to complete their opinion of him and his family. They knew only a portion of the fire of God that burned in his bones.

  “Friends, I want to begin the service in a different way. I want to give Brother Fred Young as much time as possible to minister to you. I would like to begin with a song that an acquaintance of mine, R.E. Hudson, wrote. I would like for you to listen to the words and apply them to your own life as I sing them to you.

  *****

  “Alas and did my Savior bleed, And did my Sov’reign die,

  Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I?

  At the cross, at the cross, where I first saw the light,

  And the burden of my heart rolled away

  It was there by faith I received my sight,

  And now I am happy all the day.”*****

  Mary listened intently. She hadn’t personalized the stories from the Bible to herself. She was a “worm”!

  *****

  “Was it for crimes that I have done, He groaned upon the tree?

  Amazing pity, grace unknown, and love beyond degree!”

  *****

  Yes, I am guilty of crimes to those children in my charge! Tears threatened. Could Jesus have pity and love for me? How can I earn this forgiveness? Her mind was churning. There would be no way of making up for the things that she had done.

  *****

  “But drops of grief can ne’er repay the debt of love I owe.”

  *****

  The melody slipped away as Reverend Hall finished the song. Mary managed to keep her composure. She decided that she was going to be thinking about the words of that song for a spell. She needed to know if they applied to her.

  Fred Young took determined steps up to the pulpit. He held out his hand to his friend for a hearty handshake. He felt as if he were a drowning man given a lifeline. He lingered with the handshake as Marcus said, “This man of God is Reverend Fred Young. You will learn to know him as a man with a message straight from God to you. Listen to the words he says with your heart and your mind. There is plenty of food in them for both.” With that introduction to the church folk, he left Fred and sat with the congregation.

  Fred smiled and bowed his head in a prayer to his Father, his Friend. “Dear Lord, let me speak only the words You intend and let them hit their mark.” He opened his eyes and expected that he would analyze the crowd, but he felt urgent to speak. “Open your Bibles to Luke 4:18.”

 

  *****

  The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord. And He closed the book, and He gave it again to the minister, and sat down. And the eyes of all them that were in the synagogue were fastened on Him. And began to say unto them, “This day is this Scripture fulfilled in your ears.”

  *****

  “I want you to know that Jesus came to this earth to save us from our sin, but also to help us live our lives every day in a way that would bring glory to God. For some folks this appears to be easier than others, but let me tell you that there is not one person who does not struggle. Has there been one person who has lived who has not had sorrow or a broken heart? I believe that there has not been one person who has not caused sorrow or brokenness in someone else too.”

  Mary suppressed a gasp.

  “Look at what Jesus says here: The gospel is for the poor and the rich. He leaves no one out. He wants to heal the brokenhearted. That means that He can take the pain away. You can live without regret and hatred. He came to preach deliverance to the captives. You may be thinking, ‘That’s not for me. I’m not in jail.’ But I am saying to you that many people live in a prison of their own making. They live in the prison of regret, hatred, and unforgiveness.

  Many things become prisons to us. He came to recover sight to the blind. I know that Jesus healed blind people and He still does, but there is also a blindness in the soul that Jesus can restore sight to. Are you blind to the love God had for us and that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us? We become blind to the needs of others.

  We become blind even to our need for a Savior. There has never been a person good enough to come to God without Jesus. Never. Like the song Reverend Hall sang says, ‘drops of grief can never repay the debt of love I owe. Dear Lord, I give myself away ‘tis all that I can do.’ Give yourself to Jesus. That is all that you can do.

&nbs
p; There is no way to make up for the unrighteous things, the sins, in your life. The only way to have peace and salvation is through giving yourself away to Jesus. He will set at liberty them that are bruised. To be bruised is like being completely crushed and shattered in life, broken. Do you feel broken? You can be set free.”

  Tears ran down Mary’s chin. She was tired to pretending to be someone else. This man seemed to look at the ugliness in her very being and not be alarmed at it. There was a remedy to the way she felt. What was she supposed to do now? She didn’t know how to “come to Jesus.”

  Fred urged the group, “If you want Jesus, come to the altar now. Do not wait. Come now.”

  Before she could think of what the women of the church would say, Mary came to the front with baby Sammy in her arms. Reverend Hall’s wife put her arm around her and said, “Let me hold the little one for you, Dear.”

  Mary knelt at the altar and cried like she had never allowed herself to cry before. A number of others joined her in needs of their own. Brother Marcus knelt beside her and spoke softly in her ear, “Talk to Jesus as a dear friend. Tell Him all of your sins. If you don’t remember them all, He does. Then ask Him to cleanse you and forgive you of all of them. They will be taken away. I will be back in a bit so that you can do this. I must pray with Widow Grace now.”

  Mary confessed terrible things that she had done in her life. She confessed every hateful thought and deed. She confessed every disappointment and hurt—things that were monumental and things that were trivial. She asked Jesus to remind her of everything that she might have done that was not right and good. She even confessed for pretending to be different than she was. When she came to the end of all the things she could think of, Brother Marcus was next to her. “Mary, you have repented of your sin. You have done a good thing here, but now you must believe that you are forgiven of all those sins.”

  Mary lifted tear-streaked eyes to her pastor. “How can He forgive me? I can’t forgive myself.”

  Marcus gently spoke, “Mary, the Bible says, ‘For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.’ There is not anyone that deserves to be forgiven. He forgives us because He loves us.”

  “How?”

  “Mary, do you love that baby boy of yours?”

  “Yes, of course I do.”

  “Did he actually do anything to deserve for you to love him besides be your child?”

  “Well, no. I do love him.”

  “You asked God to forgive you of all your sins. You are now God’s child. He loves you and wants you to love Him back.”

  “He loves me?” Mary thought for a moment, “I am His child and He loves me.”

  “God has forgiven you. Now you must forgive yourself. Let God show you how.”

  Fred finished praying with the others who had come forward and dismissed the meeting. Mary hadn’t noticed she was at the church alone with the Halls and Reverend Young.

  Fred softly said to Mary, “The angels in heaven are rejoicing that you have come home to God!”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, will you let me say a prayer over you and you can continue praying after I finish.”

  “Yes”

  “Father, thank you for this young mother who has come home to You. Give her strength to live for You and serve You with all of her heart. She has offered her life to You and wants to be a true woman of God. Amen.”

  Mary didn’t really know how to pray out loud but this nice preacher wanted her to so she would try. “God, I told You all the bad things I did. I am sorry for them all. I will do better from now on. Amen.”

  Brother Marcus took Sammy from his wife and handed him to Mary. “Mary, Esther and I would like for you to come by the house after chores every day so that we may help you get on in your life with Christ.”

  Mary smiled and said, “I will do my best. Sometimes I cannot get away… My husband and chores and stuff.”

  “Come as often as you can.”

  “I will.” She turned and looked at Fred, “God bless you for coming here!” Mary picked up the flour sack that held the extra diapers and headed for home.

  “Marcus!” Fred grabbed his friend and sobbed. “I feel as if I got saved all over again too!”

  Esther joined in the hug and they all went to the parsonage to finish their visit.

  *****

  The stars seemed larger and the air was … how could she describe it? Rare. Yes it was rare, wonderful, the breath of angels. Sammy snuggled down into her arms. Could it be possible that she felt even more love for him than before? She hardly believed that it would be possible. She entered the farmhouse through the kitchen door. It was warm and cozy.

  The big wood stove was still warm from the supper that she had prepared before the special church meeting. She lay Sammy in the basket beside the large oak table and lit the coal oil lamp. It sent a happy glow around the room. Sammy was quietly sucking his fist in his sleep. She pulled the rocking chair close to the stove and placed a few pieces of the split firewood in through the top.

  Gently she picked up her baby and wrapped his quilts more closely to his little body as she began to nurse him in the quiet of the room. It seemed to Mary to be a blessed time of quiet. She leaned her head back against the high back of the rocker and contemplated the events of the evening. For a brief moment she thought about the women of the sewing circle and what their opinion of her would be now.

  “No, I don’t care what they think of me anymore! I wouldn’t trade gold for the feeling I have inside me right now!” The sound of her voice startled her somewhat. Did she even sound different? She looked down upon the infant who was contentedly nursing, “You have a new Mama, sweetie. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I feel good. I feel clean. I don’t feel the all fired anger I had all the time anymore.” A chubby little hand reached up to touch her nose and she began to laugh. “You darling little boy! Mama loves you so much!” She began to sing, “At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light and the burden of my heart rolled away…hmmm…Mmmm….Mmmm…and now I am happy all the day.”

  Try as she might, she couldn’t remember all the words, but the message was burned into her heart. She rocked in her big old rocker until daybreak, humming and laughing. She began talking to God. She hoped that she was doing it right, but she talked to Him as if He were a friend sitting in the room with her. She told Him how grateful she was for His forgiveness.

  She thought of Sammy and thanked God for him, even her husband. She asked God to help her tell her husband about what had happened to her. She wondered what he would say. Fear began to creep in, but she refused to let it stay. She had been unhappy too long to give up the peace and joy she had just experienced. She had been through many things in her life and if Mr. Dewey wanted to mistreat her, so be it.

  He could never take Jesus away from her. Memories of her childhood flooded her mind. The bad ones threatened to steal her joy. “Jesus, help me keep joy! Take care of these bad things that happened in the past.” The thoughts slipped away as quickly as they came. She remembered things that she had long forgotten. She remembered riding her old horse to school on a warm day. She remembered the smell of the horse in the sunshine. She decided that she liked the smell. Or was it that she loved that old horse? She remembered sliding off him onto a rock in the middle of the creek and splashing water. She had watched the small little fish that gathered around the rock. She picked up one of the smooth stones from the bottom of the creek and felt it. It was brown and shiny. She skimmed it across the deep, still side of the creek and watched it skip once, twice. A smile played on her lips at the memory. “Thank You, Lord, for reminding me that everything in my life has not been hard and bad. I expect that things will go a sight better now with You around.”

  The first streaks of dawn broke into the kitchen and Mary placed the sleeping baby into his basket in the kitchen. She stretched unhurriedly and completely. She pumped the water for a pot of coffee and stoked the fire in the stove. She added more wo
od and measured grounds and placed them in the pot. There were still a couple of eggs in the basket so she decided to cook them before gathering eggs and feeding the chickens.

  She would milk the cow after breakfast this morning. She ate the satisfying breakfast and finished a second cup of coffee while she nursed Sammy. Afterward she tied him in a sling across the front of her so that she could do chores with both hands.

  Sammy seemed to enjoy the closeness of his Mama. She milked the cow and led her into the pasture where the rest of the small herd fed. Her favorite chore had been gathering eggs. She took the old basket from the hook and began her work. The old girls were really producing today. She fed and watered them and went to the house. She finished her chores with pains of perfection. When she finished and gave Sammy a quick bath and changed his clothes, she headed to her pastor’s home.

  Esther answered the timid knock at the kitchen door. “Mary, how good it is to see you this morning!”

  “The Parson asked me to come after chores to get some instruction, Mrs—”

  “It’s Esther, Dear. Yes, Yes, of course, come sit down. Coffee?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Esther glided across the room and addressed her husband, “Marcus, Mary is here.”

  Marcus came through the door with a sunny smile on his face. Fred followed him into the room. “Mary, I am so glad you came here today!”

  “I want to do things in just the right way, Parson. I have lived wrong for so long I want to do this right.”

  Marcus, Fred, and Esther joined her at the table.

  “How do you feel about the decision you made last night?”