A Staten Island Love Letter 5

by Jahquel J

  “Thank you, Evelyn. I appreciate you sharing your story with me,” I told her. It was true, I meant every word that I had said. Hearing her story had put a lot into perspective for me.

  The door opened and Staten walked in with a duffle bag on his shoulder. “Hey Ev,” he hugged Evelyn.

  “Hey Shaliq… I’m about to head out. Me and your mama was just speaking about you,” she smiled up at him.

  “What I do now?”

  “You need to go visit your mama more, boy. Don’t make me go stick Tweeti on you,” she teased.

  “Man, she always picked on me when we were younger. Don’t try and make her do it now,” he laughed and hugged her.

  “Alright now,” she smiled and left out of the room.

  The room grew quiet as Staten sat his duffle bag onto the empty hospital chair. My phone buzzed for the first time since I had opened my eyes. I winced as I grabbed my phone and saw Ty’s name. I was glad that it was a text message instead of him calling. How would I explain why my voice sounded like I had swallowed a thousand frogs?

  Haven’t heard from you. You good? Been calling and haven’t heard anything. His text read.

  “How long you’ve been awake?”

  “An hour or so. I was talking to Evelyn.”

  “Evelyn is good peoples. My mom used to come over to her crib and play cards and shit. My mom stopped because she realized that she was starting to develop a drinking problem by hanging with Ev.”

  “Good for her.”

  “Yeah. They reconnected a few years ago and kept in touch.”

  “She said your mom told her to come speak to me.”

  “I can see why.”

  “Yeah, talking to her made everything real for me and put a lot into perspective for me,” he sat down and stared at me.

  “Waking up in a hospital bed didn’t make shit real for you?”

  “Here you go,” I looked away. He couldn’t just have a simple conversation. Staten always had to pick apart my words and second guess them.

  “I’m just saying. You could have fucking died and you’re telling me that talking to a woman made the shit real for you.”

  “How do you know I didn’t try and kill myself?”

  He leaned back in the seat and stroked his beard. “Because I know you. If you wanted to get the job done, you would have.”

  “Ouch.”

  “You don’t half-ass shit. If you want to get high, you’ll get the highest you’ve ever been,” I could hear the sarcasm in his voice, and I didn’t like it.

  “You don’t have to be here. We’re not together anymore.”

  “Liberty, I don’t give a damn if we’re not together anymore. Something wrong with you, I’m going to come running because I love you.”

  “The way you fucked me and left me in that bathroom was the complete opposite of love,” I brought up.

  After having sex with him, I went home and cried hard. I had never felt so cheap and unloved in my life. Staten had always been the one to show me all the love I needed and at the moment he was so cruel and cold. Hearing him put another woman before me made me want to cry ten times more because I used to be the woman that he would run to.

  “You wanted sex and I gave you that. Stop playing the victim like you didn’t call for any of this. You wanted us to be over, not the other way around.”

  “Because you treat me like you’re my sober coach. Oh, and because you don’t know how to put your baby mama in her place. There’s no reason she can do and say whatever she wants, but the moment I choose to say something I’m the fucking problem.”

  As much as I wanted to blame Staten’s sober coach behavior, it was more than that. I didn’t want to deal with he and Chanel’s weird ass relationship. He acted like she got on his nerves or like he was going to put her in her place, yet he did the exact opposite. He allowed her to be the third part of our relationship. Things happened, which is why I accepted that he had a baby on the way. I could deal with that, but the constant nagging and inserting of Chanel was something that I couldn’t deal with, and I shouldn’t have to. Each time she got mad about something that had to do with me, she would threaten that Staten couldn’t see his daughter when she was born. I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t see his daughter or the conflict in their argument so removing myself from our relationship seemed to be the best thing. Of course, looking back it hurt and I hate it had to come to that, but I knew things would change and they would end up being worse.

  “If you wanted me to say something to Chanel then you should have said something. Closed mouths don’t get fed.”

  “I shouldn’t have to say anything. The disrespect and the barging in on our time was evident. You saw and never said anything. Then, Maliah.”

  He made a face when I mentioned her name. “What about Maliah?”

  “She wants you and you refuse to see that. You kept disregarding my feelings and making me seem like I was crazy.”

  “No I didn’t.”

  “Okay,” I replied.

  “You want to point out shit, yet you’re the one that was getting high behind my back,” he brought up, which I knew he would.

  “And I fucked up. All I’m asking is for you to take some responsibility in the shit that you do too.”

  He sighed.

  “You want me to take responsibility but couldn’t keep it real with me as to why we broke up. You wanted to hide by needing space instead of being real and at least allowing me the time to fix things,” I didn’t want to talk anymore. So, I looked out the window and ignored him. “You want shit on your terms and it don’t work like that. I fucked you because we’re not together and that’s what you were begging for. I’m the bad guy though. Not you. I have feelings too and you keep forgetting that because it’s all about your fucking feelings,” he stood up and pointed at me.

  “Well, then stop coming around me.”

  “Bet. Sayless.”

  “Less has been said!” I screeched as he closed the door behind me. I was upset because he had come in here and pissed me off in a matter of minutes. How was he pissed because I chose to end things because of his chaotic life? He wanted the option to change things and I wasn’t in the mood for that. Staten didn’t want to see the shit and I was tired of sticking around praying that he would see it.

  Freedom had cleaned my entire apartment. It was like I was stepping into a brand-new apartment. My linens, laundry and everything had been washed and put away. My fridge had been cleaned and my living room was switched around. She even changed my balcony carpet and put new furniture out there. She went above and beyond, and I appreciated my twin for it. She could have chosen to be upset and not want to deal with me, yet she came and decided to make life easier for me.

  I had been home for a week and I hadn’t seen Justice once. Freedom came over every day in the morning to make sure that I was fine. As much as I wished she didn’t, I appreciated it because I couldn’t take my twin being upset with me. As far as Justice, she hadn’t come over, called or sent me a text since I had been home. I was trying not to be in my feelings about it, but I couldn’t help it. She had a lot going on with both she and Priest, then she had to be there for Yasmine, so I always managed to talk myself out of sending her a message that I would regret. It was hard trying to get back to regular life and act like nothing happened. I sat the rehab brochures the hospital had gave me with my discharge papers on the coffee table and went to sit on the balcony. I grabbed the carton of cigarettes on the side table before I made my way outside. While I took a long pull of the cigarette, I scrolled my social media to see what I had been missing. It seemed like I hadn’t missed much.

  When can I see you? A text from Ty popped up on my phone.

  I exited out of the third Insta-story I was watching and went to our text message thread. Since he had sent me that text message in the hospital, I hadn’t replied to him. What was I supposed to say? I overdosed and was in the hospital because of it? That wasn’t something I wanted to shar
e with him.

  Today. If you’re not too busy. I Couldn’t lie. I missed seeing his face and I wanted to spend some time with someone that actually didn’t know the real me. Me and Staten hadn’t spoken since our argument at the hospital. I hoped his new baby with Chanel was keeping him occupied. I understood he cared and that’s why a lot of our issues occurred, still, he had to take responsibility for the shit that he did too.

  Bet send me your location. I’ll come over.

  I sent him my address and finished my cigarette. Freedom had an appointment with Samoor, so I knew she wouldn’t come over until tomorrow. Since my apartment was cleaned, I didn’t need to scramble to toss clothes in the closet to make it seem presentable. Ty had never been to my apartment and I had to admit I was a bit scared. I flicked the rest of the bud off my balcony and dialed Justice’s number. It rang for a minute before her sleepy voice came through the line.

  “Hello?” she answered.

  “Why haven’t I seen you?” I knew I should or could have started the conversation better, yet I needed to know.

  She sucked her teeth. “I literally just went to sleep. Liberty, I don’t have time for this,” she complained.

  “Answer the question,” I was adamant on finding out why I haven’t seen my baby sister. When something was wrong Justice was known for keeping her distance. So, I needed to know what her issue with me was.

  “Liberty, you have the nerve to call me with this shit!” she raised her voice. “I have a lot going on in my life and the last thing I needed was to find you damn near dead. If you want to shove that shit up your nose, you can do it in the privacy of your own place without me. I refuse to bring my daughter back to that damn place!” she hollered into the phone and ended the call.

  I sat looking at my phone. When she spoke, I could hear her voice quivering, which meant I had fucked her up mentally. As much as I was upset about her not coming around me, I had to realize that I put her in a position that she should have never been in. I wiped the tear that fell down my cheek and went to shower and toss some make-up on to look presentable. The dark circles around my eyes weren’t cute at all.

  Ty arrived nearly an hour later with a bottle of expensive sparkling water, roses and a box of expensive chocolates. I knew they were expensive because I had heard one of the nurses bragging about the chocolate that her husband spent three hundred dollars for. It was stupid when I heard her bragging about it, but right here and now I felt special. He could have just showed up and saw me. Instead, he put time in to making me feel special.

  “Let me put these in water,” I gently grabbed the flowers from him and went into the kitchen. “You can take a seat on the couch.

  “Stop fronting. You know you about to let them die,” he joked, which caused me to smile. A smile hadn’t come across my face in a few weeks. Well, at least a genuine one hasn’t.

  “I have a green thumb and I bet next time you see them they’ll be alive.”

  “Oh word? I can come back.”

  I smirked. “It depends. The night is still early,” I grabbed a crystal vase Freedom had gifted me for our birthday a few years ago. It was from Tiffany’s and she insisted I be home the day it arrived.

  I filled the vase with water, then rummaged through my junk draw for a penny. Tossing the penny into the water, I cut the stems and sat them in the vase. Ty was occupied with his phone while I tended to the flowers. Once I was done, I opened the bottle of water and poured him a glass. He put his phone away when I came into the living room.

  “Not thirsty?”

  “No.” Water was the last thing that I was thinking about. “How have you been? I know busy,” I pointed to his phone.

  “Me and my cousin are partnering on a hotel and casino in Vegas, so I’ve been back and forth.”

  “Vegas, huh? That’s a big jump from your hole in the wall in jersey,” I smirked.

  He turned and faced me, placing the water on the table. “My cousin is big in the real estate development business. Everything he touches turns to gold.”

  “I can imagine. A business man with some street in him,” I watched as he took me in and smiled.

  He grabbed my hands and his eyes landed on my hospital band. Out of everything I was checking for, how did I forget that? “What happened?” he demanded to know.

  “I fell,” I lied.

  He looked me in the eyes as if he was searching for the truth. “Tell me the truth. If you want to lie, I can get up and walk out right now. Be honest with me.”

  Half of me wanted to tell him to leave, then the other part wanted to tell him. I was tired of hiding, lying and not being honest. “I’m an addict.”

  “I figured from seeing the rehab brochures when I sat down. What’s your poison?”

  “Coke,” I searched his face for a disapproving expression and found none. He continued to stare me in the face. “Look, if you don—”

  He pulled his wallet out and took a small gold chip out of it. “I used to be an alcoholic. Got so bad that my family stopped fucking with me. That whole in the wall club you were in, used to be a big thing back in the day. I allowed my drinking to run my business into the ground. I couldn’t start my day unless I had three shots of Patron. My cousin stopped fucking with me and all the niggas who I thought were my friends encouraged that shit. One night, I got behind the wheel and drove myself home… I hit a woman and killed her,” he revealed. I watched as the pain appeared on his face. You could tell this was a burden that he carried with him. “She was just trying to get home to her six kids. Because I was stupid and drunk, I killed a woman who had kids that need her.”

  “I never would have guessed that. Did you go to jail?”

  “Yeah, I did six months and had to take a bunch of classes. That was six years ago and every month I still send ten thousand a month to her family. It will never be enough to bring their mother back, but it will help.”

  “That’s nice of you. Some people wouldn’t have done that.”

  “Wanna know what fucks me up?”

  “What?”

  “Her family forgave me. In court at my sentencing, her oldest daughter hugged me and said they forgave me. I sat in that cell that night and cried like a fucking baby.”

  “Can I hug you?”

  “Yeah,” I reached my arms around his neck and hugged him so tight. It took a lot to admit all that he had just admitted to me. We hugged for what seemed like hours before we pulled apart. “Whenever I’m having a bad day, or a stressful day, which I have a lot of, the one thing I think of is how good a cold beer or shot of bourbon would taste. Then I look at this coin and think of the family I destroyed because I wanted to drink, and it makes the craving go away. You have to have your why when getting clean. It can’t be for anyone other than you.

  “I overdosed and my baby sister found me on the couch. Getting clean seems so hard when there are so many reasons for me to keep getting high.”

  “Once you have your why, it won’t be hard to do anything. Your mental is what’s holding you back. When someone wants to do something, they’ll do that shit with no questions asked. Stop holding yourself back. What kind of life has being high given you?”

  “A quiet and lonely one,” I admitted. My life was quiet and quite lonely for some time. It wasn’t until Staten entered that I didn’t feel so lonely anymore. With him gone, I was back to being alone all the time.

  “Imagine what life would be like if you didn’t have to hide who you are. You would be free. It feels nice to get high, but it’s a prison. You can’t travel because guess what? You can’t bring coke with you. Hiding it from your family is a fucking task and it’s all you can think about when you’re not high.”

  “That’s true,” I had to admit.

  “I know because that’s how that shit used to be with me. When I wasn’t drunk, I was thinking about the next time I could get drunk.”

  It felt freeing to sit and talk to Ty without being judged. He didn’t make me feel like I was beneath him. He sym
pathized with me and made me see things differently.

  “Thank you for sharing your story with me.”

  “Anytime. Now, I want you to tell me something.”

  “What?”

  “Are you planning on going to any of these?”

  I shrugged. “I was just looking at them. Oh, and please don’t offer to pay for anything,” I added.

  He chuckled. “I wasn’t. If this is what you want, then this is something you need to pay for. If you don’t stick it out, then you wasted your own money.”

  I shoved him. “Whatever,” I giggled.

  “On the real, do what you feel is right for you. I’m not going to tell you what I think you should do. I want you to do what is best for you. Find your why and I promise everything else will fall into place.”

  “Thanks for this, Ty.”

  “No problem at all,” he looked at his phone. “I gotta meeting in the city in an hour and a conference call on the way to the meeting. I would stay longer, but I just wanted to see your face while I had some time in-between meetings.”

  “Busy man. It’s fine. I’m going to try and get some sleep anyway.”

  “Rest up. I’ll call you tonight. Maybe I can take you to dinner this week,” he stood up and smiled at me.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck as he held me tightly. “Maybe,” I replied.

  “See you soon,” he told me and kissed me on the lips. “You got this, ight? God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.”

  “I’m starting to believe that.”

  “Good,” he said as his phone started ringing in his hand. “I’ll call you,” he whispered as he picked up the phone and headed out the door.

  I shut the door, grabbed the chocolates and sat on the couch. Whenever I was down, I put my favorite movie on The Devil Wears Prada and watched like it was the first time. For the first time, this movie wasn’t moving me, and I couldn’t focus in on anything. I sighed, turned the TV off and grabbed my phone. I counted to three and dialed a number.