A Staten Island Love Letter 5

by Jahquel J

  “I never said I wasn’t happy.”

  She walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me. “I could tell. This wasn’t what any of us planned, but we have so much history together.”

  I removed her hand from me and stood up. “Lavern, we can’t continue this. Seeing how much I hurt Justice got me fucked up. It made me realize that I want to be with her and fix what I did.”

  She took a step back and stared at me for a moment before she opened her mouth to speak. “You get my feelings involved just to tell me that you want to fix it and be with her? Where is that fair to me?”

  “Vern, I always wanted to be with Justice. I let what we used to have fuck with my future with Justice and I regret that. We’re both not the same people anymore and I was trying to keep something that had felt familiar to me. The truth of the matter is that we’re not the same anymore. What we had was when we were younger. I have responsibilities and you do too. Being together or trying to make something happen between the both of us is like trying to start something new, which isn’t what I want to do. Justice has my heart.”

  She folded her arms as tears fell down her cheeks. “We laugh so much, have a good time and have amazing sex. You’re acting like all of this was forced onto you or some shit.”

  I sighed because she wasn’t getting what I was saying. “I’m telling you I can’t do this anymore. I’m chasing feelings I had in college when I have real shit and a real woman that loves me. I hurt her and all she has ever done was love the shit out of me. I’m man enough to admit I was wrong for what I did to Justice and all I want to do is work hard on fixing that shit between us.”

  “You’re man enough to work on admitting what you did to her, but what about me? What about us? You come into my life, lift my spirits and then leave when shit gets complicated.”

  “It was fucked up for me to go and get your feelings involved knowing I wanted to be with Justice. Let’s not act like we weren’t two adults who knew what we were getting ourselves into.”

  “I know exactly what I was getting myself into. Another man who got pussy and wants to call it quits. Ro, you can just let yourself out. I wish you and your girlfriend the best, considering you have a sick child together, but just stay away from me.”

  “Sick child? My daughter isn’t fucking sick,” I got pissed with her saying that shit to me. Yasmine wasn’t fucking sick and for her to put that shit out there like it was true pissed me off.

  “Whatever. Just get the fuck out of my house.”

  “You definitely changed. The old Lavern was on my dick because I broke up with her.”

  “That Lavern died the minute you told me you had another bitch in your apartment while you kept me in the hallway. A lot has changed for me, some for the good and some for the bad, but one thing I refuse is to let a nigga do me anyway that he wants to, no matter how much I love him,” she reached up and mushed me in the head. “Get out of my apartment and don’t come back!” she yelled.

  “Say no more,” I replied. She didn’t have to say that shit more than once for me to dip out of her crib.

  Lavern had the game fucked up if she thought I was going to call it quits with Justice to be with her. She had some weird ass issues with her future ex-husband, and I didn’t need that static. She definitely changed and life had put her through some things. I think it was the thought of having someone who was just as close to Sandy as I was around that caused me to fuck up. I walked around like everything was good, but it was moments like this that I missed the shit out of my big sister. I needed her here with me to help guide me through so much shit that was going on in my life. She was missing out on being a grandmother, being there for both Love and Kiki. Shit, she was missing out on being an auntie and witnessing me being a father to my daughter. I wished like hell I could have introduced Justice to her because she would have fallen in love with her.

  I’m sorry. Can we talk again? Lavern text me soon as I entered the car.

  Nah, we’re good. Be well, Vern. I replied back. This back and forth shit she thought she was gonna do, wasn’t going to work. I didn’t have time to say sorry, get mad and make up again. When she mentioned my child and called her sick, she fucked up royally with me. I wished like hell I didn’t fuck up what I had with Justice for her. Kiss’s name popped on the screen, so I hit the green talk icon and pulled out of the parking spot.

  “Ro, you need to get to the hospital. Kiki was just rushed there for trying to kill herself!” Kiss was hysterical.

  My heart was pumping out of my chest and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. My hands were clammy and I felt like my breathing became shallowed. “Kill… herself?” I stammered.

  “She was found inside the girl’s bathroom at school hanging, Ro. I’m on my way there with Zamari!” she continued to scream.

  “Whi…which hospital?” I hollered.

  “Staten Island Hospital!” she yelled and the line went dead.

  6

  Ghost

  “You’re reacting well to the treatments. We’re hopeful that you’ll be in remission soon,” my doctor informed me.

  On a day like today when I felt like I didn’t have the energy to even breathe, hearing those words meant everything to me. Instead of trying to be the tough guy, I did everything my doctor told me to do. My mother even had me on a plant-based diet and all these vitamins she had been researching. The only downside of everything was the side effects of chemo. My fucking hair was coming out in clumps and I was so weak I couldn’t do anything for days. Shit, I couldn’t even fuck the shit out of Free if I wanted to. My dick didn’t seem to fucking work and I was getting tired of her rubbing her ass on me before we went to bed and not being able to do anything. I wanted to blow her back out like no other and because I couldn’t that shit had me frustrated every night.

  The one good thing that happened was Samoor. His heart condition hadn’t worsened, and everything seemed to be going good with him. Free went back to work and was doing a couple hours every day just to get out the house. Ms. Winnie continued to help with the kids. She had been a god send when it came to helping around the house and with the kids. I was happy that Free decided to go back to work. She had expressed that she didn’t want to put her career on the back burner because of my life, like she had done in the past. With everything going on, she couldn’t help but to put it on the back burner, so when she decided to tell me about going back to work, I was excited for her. I wanted her to get back to some sense of normalcy. Life had been pulling us in all different directions. God was definitely testing us, and I knew it. Being that we were able to try and see the sunlight at the end of the tunnel, made everything worth it.

  “I just want to get this shit out of me,” I admitted. “My body doesn’t feel the same and I’m tired of being tired all the time.”

  “I can understand that. This treatment approach that we have been taking is working and we’ll continue with it for the next few months. I see the end coming and I want to continue on this path, so you can ring that bell out in the hall,” she touched my shoulder. “Any more questions?”

  “No, I’m good.”

  “Okay, well keep up with the medications at home and try and get some rest. You look like you’re about to fall asleep or something,” she giggled.

  “Will do. I’m having lunch with Freedom, so I’ll nap whenever I get home,” I promised and headed out of the office.

  I decided I was going to pop up at Free’s office and bring some lunch. With everything we had been going through, it felt nice to have a moment where we could connect without the kids. I grabbed some food from our favorite Chinese place and headed to her office. Free’s team greeted me when I walked through the door. I knew she was in her office because that’s where she spent all her time. Her assistant smiled at me as I kept heading to the back. Free was bent over her design table going over a concept for a room in one of her client’s house. I came up behind her and stole a kiss on her neck.

  “Hey baby, what are you d
oing here?” she turned and wrapped her arms around my neck. Free snuck a few more kisses on my lip. “Ugh, you so damn fine,” she complimented.

  “Nah, you fine. What you working on?”

  “Just some music room for my client. Her son plays the piano and she wants a room for him to be able to take lessons and stuff,” she explained. “Honestly… she’s driving me nuts.”

  “So, you need a break?” I smirked.

  “A much needed one,” she smiled and walked over to the seating area in her office. “I see food from my favorite place,” she opened the bags and placed it on the table.

  “It’s good that you’re back to work. You need someone else to get on your nerves other than being home stressing.”

  “I like being home because I can be there for both you and Samoor.”

  “We pay Ms. Winnie a lot of money to make sure the kids are good. Hell, she even makes sure that I’m good.”

  “She’s great, isn’t she?”

  “Yeah, I love how she is with the kids.”

  She handed me my carton of broccoli and garlic sauce, and then sat down across from me. “It makes things easier. How are you feeling? How was your appointment?”

  “She said she can see me going into remission in the next few months. So, she doesn’t want to switch anything that we’re doing right now.”

  “Oh my God. I’m so excited, so does she know when exactly or…” Freedom got excited and I knew I should have waited to share this news with her. She would be obsessed with knowing when it would happen, and it wasn’t something that was definite right now.

  “Babe, we don’t know all that right now. All she said was that everything is looking good, I don’t want you to be so stressed and worried about when it might happen, because it might not happen. Shit can always change.”

  “I understand, but I don’t want to speak anything negative about it not being able to work. God is going to give us a second chance,” she took a spoonful of shrimp fried rice into her mouth.

  “I hear what you’re saying, but don’t get your hopes up and start worrying… ight?”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Besides that, what else is going on with you? We haven’t got a chance to just talk like this in a long time.”

  “I know. I’m good. Staten is handling everything, and I’m not worried about nothing except beating this cancer, loving you and our kids.”

  “And being a snooty vegan,” she giggled.

  “You can be one too.”

  “Nope. I like meat and all kinds of other stuff that isn’t vegan, but I support you and will try to cook more vegan meals.”

  “Uh huh,” I laughed because she was full of crap. Freedom would sit at the table and eat a damn burger before she would eat a vegan meal. I didn’t mind either, this was my lifestyle, not theirs. I couldn’t front like I didn’t want a damn steak or something. My moms did her research, so I trusted her with this whole plant-based lifestyle.

  “Anyway, we need to get away for a few days… just me and you,” she suggested.

  “I’m down. Where you wanna go?”

  “I don’t care. I feel like we need a getaway to reconnect. And, I’ve been doing research on something to help with down there,” her eyes narrowed in to my crotch area of my pants.

  “The fuck you mean you been doing research?”

  “Babe, there is some pill that can help with it.”

  “Viagra, Free?” I put my food down because she had me fucked up if she thought I was about to take that shit.

  “No, it’s natural. I actually had it sent to the office,” she got up and went behind her desk and pulled out a box. “There’s a natural website that sells all kinds of natural things. I miss getting dick and I know you miss hitting this,” she patted the front of her jeans.

  I laughed because she was right. Being able to break her back and make her scream my name sent shutters through my soul. It also frustrated me because I knew the damage I could do when my shit was working.

  “I’m not trying that shit.”

  “Fine,” she plopped back down on the couch and picked her food back up. “I want you to know that I’m tired of using my vibrator in the bathroom when you’re sleep. I’m not complaining because I know all that you’re going through. But, I also know that you could use some relief too.”

  “Yeah, you right about that,” I agreed because I had been backed up, but couldn’t do shit about it. My dick wouldn’t work and my doctor told me she couldn’t tell me exactly when it would start working, so I was screwed.

  “Anyway, I’m thinking we should go to Jamaica for a little vacation. We both can use it and the kids can stay with Ms. Winnie.”

  “Ain’t your mom still in Jamaica?”

  “No, she’s somewhere else. I couldn’t hear when she called last week,” she rolled her eyes. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “When is your mom coming back to the states? Does she know about Liberty?”

  “Yeah, and she says that she’s grown and needs to get her life in order. My mom is enjoying her life and doesn’t care what is going on with us.”

  “That’s fucked up. She got grandkids that she doesn’t see, and a grandkid she hasn’t even met yet. You not going to talk to her about it?”

  “I have and she tells me the same thing over and over again.”

  “And that is?”

  “That after our father was killed, she spent so much time putting everything into us that she didn’t have anything for herself, so she’s here for us when we need her, but she’s going to continue her traveling like she promised to herself.”

  Free’s mom went from being involved to just packing a bag and flying from country to country. As much as Free acted like it didn’t bother her, it did and I could tell. It wasn’t like she could just get on the phone and call her mom because it all depended on the country and if her phone had service. I thanked God for my mother because it didn’t matter how much shit we put her through, she was there when it mattered the most. She made sure to spend as much time with the kids. She was in her feelings when we hired Ms. Winnie to care for the kids and the house. As much as she did for us, I couldn’t have her doing everything for the house and the kids.

  “You need to sit down and have a conversation with her soon. You and your sisters need her, and she’s busy living her best life.”

  “I managed without her in Atlanta, I can do the same here. Liberty is going to be fine and I’m going to make sure of it.”

  “What’s going on with her?”

  A big smile came across her face. “She checked herself into rehab. It’s a two-month program where she lives in home, and then she’ll be released after two months to continue out-patient treatment.”

  With my eyebrows raised, I looked at her. “Did she check herself in, or did you?”

  “She called me from the place earlier this week and told me. I went by her place and she packed clothes and all her things. I think this was a wake-up call for her to get her shit together.”

  “What about her and Staten?”

  “I don’t think they’re speaking. Something happened at the hospital and she won’t speak about it. Staten has his own life he needs to focus on, and so does Liberty. What is meant to be will be.”

  “I agree.”

  “Plus, he needs to be focused on his baby girl and trying to keep his baby mama in check.” Free rolled her eyes. “Why did he have to have a baby with her?”

  “Same question I ask myself. I don’t have to like his baby mama to build a relationship with my niece.”

  “Chanel will make it nearly impossible for us to see the baby.”

  “Staten needs to stop being a pussy and let her know what it is. He acts like he’s scared of her or some shit,” I vented.

  Chanel did whatever the fuck she wanted because Staten allowed that shit. Not once did he sit her ass down and tell her how it was going to be. She didn’t have no damn money and everything she spent was from his pockets. Chanel had a
good job, but she couldn’t afford the shit she bought for their daughter. Then, I heard she was shopping for a new condo because she didn’t want to move back into her other one. Last time Staten tried to get her to move, she fought him on it. Now, she had some change of heart and was looking at million-dollar properties. We had money, yet at the rate this bitch was trying to spend it, he wouldn’t have none left to actually raise his daughter with.

  “I agree. She’ll keep that baby away and use it as a pawn so Staten can do what she wants. The fact that your mother has been asking to see the baby, and she has blown her off-”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Yeah, your mother has been wanting to see Satin, and Chanel has basically without saying anything, told her no. Each time your mother reaches out there is some excuse as to why she can’t come over or bring the baby over.”

  “I don’t even know why you told me that. Shit like that pisses me the fuck off,” I put my food onto the table. I had lost my appetite and didn’t feel like talking about this shit.

  “Don’t go and get involved in your brother’s business. As much as we hate how he’s handling things, it’s not our business,” she warned me.

  If I was handling shit, my hand would have been wrapped around Chanel’s throat as I told her how shit would be. But, because Staten was a grown man, I was going to allow him to do shit his way. In the end, I prayed that he got this shit in check before I had to say something to ol’ girl.

  My brothers meant a lot to me, so I knew that I needed to get up and see what was good with them. Today was a good day, so I wanted to be around them while I was feeling up to it. Staten told me he was home, so I called Priest and told him to meet me over here. I pulled into the driveway and entered the house. Staten was in the kitchen making a bowl of cereal when I arrived. He nodded at me and then came over and hugged me quickly. I could tell he was tired and had a lot going on.

  “You looking good,” he complimented. “How you feeling?” he followed up.