Hell's Spells (Ordinary Magic Book 6)

by Devon Monk

  “I know what a rope is.”

  I took a quick moment to indulge in a hogtying fantasy, a blindfold fantasy, then a gag fantasy.

  “I am going to tie this rope loosely around your nose and head so I can lead you around back.”

  I waited. “Rules, Xtelle. I need to know you’re okay with this.”

  “As if I’d say no to some casual bondage.” She extended her neck and turned her eyes demurely downward. “Am I doing it right, master?”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. Definitely a gag. Industrial strength. That was my favorite fantasy now.

  I twisted the rope into a temporary halter and moved aside so she could hop out. She did so and followed me with mostly believable pony-ness to the wide gravel parking area at the back of the store.

  A short bleating sound made me turn.

  There was a goat in the parking area. A male, with luxuriant white hair and strong, thick brown horns that stuck out over the top of sideways ears. His eyes were yellow, his hooves were polished, and he was staring at Xtelle like he’d just seen the sun come out.

  “Nothing to see here, Panny. Nothing to worry about.”

  Panny was also Pan, the god of the wild and frequent lover to…well, almost anyone if his bragging was to be believed.

  Xtelle had also taken notice of the goat who was sticking out his chest and tipping his head so the sunlight hit his horns at just the right angle.

  “Who is that?” Xtelle breathed.

  “That is not what we’re here for.”

  “His horns are so…large.”

  Panny bleated again in a deep, hey-baby tone. Then he winked.

  “Nope. No.” I pointed at him. “Stay. This is business, not pleasure.” I tugged Xtelle up to the shop’s delivery door and knocked.

  Xtelle shifted her stance, crossing one leg in front of the other so her hips were canted toward Panny. She swished her tail in lazy little flicks.

  Dear gods, save me from demon ponies trying to flirt.

  Panny bleated once more and ended it with a little whistle.

  I knocked again. Harder.

  “Delaney?” Stina’s voice floated out before her shape was visible through the screen door.

  “I need to talk to you about a theft,” I said.

  Stina opened the door. She wore jeans and a short-sleeved, off-the-shoulder blouse covered by a red apron. She wasn’t a tall woman, barely brushing five foot or so. But her eyes, a swirling turquoise made tropical against her naturally tanned skin, and her waves of shiny corded black hair, gave her a presence. Those eyes were captivating, powerful.

  She was a gorgon, and that had a little something to do with the captivating, powerful thing too.

  Her sisters, Dusi and Euri lived in town, but Stina was the one who had run the taffy shop for years. She was immortal and could make people forget how long she’d been around.

  It came in handy for the mortals who aged while she remained looking a strong thirty-five or so.

  “I didn’t take whatever was stolen,” she said.

  The goat baa’d again. It sounded like a laugh.

  Her eyes flicked to Pan, then me, then the pouting-but-also-flirting pony next to me. “Why do you have a pet demon?”

  “I— What?” Xtelle exclaimed. “Queen demon, excuse your lying mouth! I am no mortal’s pet.”

  “Ponies don’t talk,” I reminded her.

  The goat said, “Ha! I mean: baa.”

  Xtelle bunched up her lips and sucked her nostrils shut, one eye twitching.

  “She’s not a pet,” I said to Stina. “She’s a new resident in Ordinary. You can stop holding your breath, Xtelle. I know lack of oxygen won’t kill you.”

  She twisted her head to make sure I was paying attention to just how hard she was holding her breath, then stomped a tiny circle, tail slashing angrily against my leg.

  “Queen? The queen?” Stina crossed her muscled arms over her chest. She might be the candy shop owner, but that didn’t mean she was soft. She was one of the strongest people in town and had taken home local and regional bodybuilding competition prizes.

  “Heard of her, have you?” I asked.

  “Sure.” Not a lot of emotion in that word. They weren’t friends but I couldn’t tell what level of adversaries they might be.

  “She stole chocolate from you. Just now. And ate it.”

  “I saw it disappear. Thought it was Panny. Again.”

  Pan, obviously tired of being out of the conversation or just dying of curiosity, moseyed our way, stopping now and then to take a bite of this weed or that, goating it up.

  Xtelle remained facing stubbornly away from all of us, legs locked, tail swishing.

  “She’s new here,” I explained. “This is her first strike. So she’s come to apologize and make amends.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Yep. Stina had demon experience.

  I raised my voice. “Xtelle. You owe Stina an apology for stealing her product. You’d better make it a good one.”

  Xtelle swished three more times, then turned, but I was already stepping back so her hoof missed my foot by an inch.

  Xtelle stared at Stina. Stina gazed back with an expression that made it clear a dead gnat would be more threatening than the demon queen posing as a pony-corn holding her breath.

  I smiled. Stina knew how to get under Xtelle’s skin.

  “Fine!” Xtelle blew out a lungful of air. “Talk, Xtelle. Don’t talk, Xtelle. Pony, Xtelle, don’t pony, Xtelle. Your rules are exhausting and stupid, Delaney Reed.”

  “Apologize.”

  “I will not be ordered around like a…like a pet!”

  “Apologize, or I’ll skip this part and just take you to jail. If Stina decides to press charges, that’s where you’re going anyway.”

  Xtelle tossed her head, flipping her mane away from her eyes.

  Pan choked. It sounded like he’d swallowed his tongue.

  “Stheno,” Xtelle said.

  “It’s just Stina here.”

  “Fine. Steeeena.”

  “Xtelle.”

  “Your chocolate was…adequate.”

  “Apologize,” I said, “not criticize.”

  “I’m sorry your chocolate was only adequate.”

  Pan couldn’t wait any longer. He slow-clopped up to us and stood on the opposite side of me, mirroring Xtelle’s pose. He snuck looks at her while trying to make it seem like he was just super-interested in the siding.

  “You owe me a debt, Xtelle,” Stina said. “I will collect it when and if I choose.”

  “Snake!” Xtelle accused.

  “Coward,” Stina replied.

  Pan did the high-school you’re-in-trouble-now, “Ooooh.”

  Xtelle gasped and clutched at her neck, searching for pearls.

  Duct tape, I fantasized. That’d be even stronger than a gag. They call it 100-mile-per-hour tape for a reason. I bet it could keep a lockdown on one demon mouth.

  “You are speaking to the queen!” Xtelle announced. “Now you will pay!” She took several steps back, then lowered her head and plowed ahead, ready for a ramming.

  “Nope.” I set my stance and yanked on the rope right as she came up to me.

  She squawked and twisted awkwardly to the side.

  “Terms are set,” I said. “You will abide by them.” I reeled slack, drawing us so close we were eye to eye.

  She tried to shake me off, but this wasn’t my first rodeo. Literally.

  Bertie had made me work the rodeo once. I’d been eight. For some reason, she had thought I’d make a terrific mule handler.

  She was not wrong.

  Unfortunately, a lot of the gods had shown up to the rodeo extremely drunk and willing to try every event. Every. Event.

  There had also been a Category One hurricane that weekend that may or may not have been courtesy of Poseidon who had not been invited. In any case, no out-of-towners had shown up, so Bertie had deemed it a one and done and canceled it for good.


  “I do not give debts to gorgons.”

  “You do if it remunerates the crime you committed.”

  “No,” Stina said. “She owes me a debt for insulting my chocolates. There’s another price for theft.”

  “Outrage!” Xtelle said. “Extortion!”

  “Cool your jets,” I said. “What’s the other price?”

  “Petting zoo,” Panny blurted.

  “Goats aren’t supposed to talk, Pan.”

  “We’re among friends here, aren’t we, Delaney?” He twisted his neck to look up at me. “The queen is new to this land. A tiny bend in the no-speaking rule seems appropriate.”

  “This once. Otherwise…”

  “Understood. Goat actions when in goat form, human when in human form.”

  While Pan liked to hang out mostly as a goat, there were days when he’d shed the four-legged form for his more human form, who was short, bearded, and a hell of a dancer. He played music sometimes with a rag-tag band, usually at Jump Off Jack’s, or Mom’s Bar and Grill.

  “Petting zoo,” Panny insisted.

  Stina stared at him. I could tell she was surprised, because she blinked once, slowly, before looking back at me. “Starts in the morning of the High Tea Tide. Goes all day,” Stina said.

  “There’s a petting zoo?” I asked. I didn’t know Bertie had decided on that.

  “Oh,” Xtelle said, looking coyly over at Panny, “you flatter me. Although I’m not sure I can go all day. It’s been a while since I’ve been so rigorously engaged.”

  “It’s for children,” Stina clarified. “A petting zoo for children to pet tame, docile farm animals. Not the X-rated demon thing you were just talking about.”

  “Chill-dren.” Xtelle tried out the word like it was foreign to her.

  “Petting docile farm animals. All day.” Stina hadn’t changed her stance, her arms still locked over her chest like she was ready to rumble.

  “Touching me?” Xtelle sounded horrified. “Over your dead, stomped body!”

  “My Queen.” Panny stepped sideways to face her. He bowed, and made it very pretty with one foot kicked out in front of him, the other bent. His thick, twisted horns were impressive balanced on top of his head, and the breeze brushed through his soft, white fur, making it float.

  “I am not your queen, godling,” Xtelle said. But she’d lowered her voice, that bow of his apparently pleasing her.

  “More’s the pity,” Panny murmured. “But may I be so bold as to suggest you partake of this quaint Ordinary custom? A petting zoo is a wonderful time to catch up on local gossip. Judge the inhabitants as they move about. There may be other ways to assess the people of a town, but none quite so covert as a petting zoo.”

  “Go on,” she purred.

  “While we would never do anything untoward or harmful,” he threw a meaningful side-eye my way, “being a barn animal allows a bit of leeway when it comes to manners.”

  “Pan,” I warned. “She’s trying to fit in.”

  He drew up out of his bow. “Yes. As a pony. All the world knows ponies are assholes.”

  “Not in a petting zoo,” I said.

  “No, no. Of course there will be no harm done to those darling little mortal grubs. But if she lays her ears back, the children will be warned to step away, lest she swish her sharp tail over their tender knees.”

  Xtelle perked up, her entire countenance lifting.

  “That is how a pony behaves,” she stated. “I have seen it with my own eyes. They’re assholes. I would be well within my pony rights to nip a little finger—lip only, Delaney, you don’t have to get your badge in a wad.”

  “They’ll feed you,” Panny said, laying it on thick. “Sugar cubes right out of the palms of their plump, nubile hands. Crisp fresh apples offered from young, soft fingers. Honeyed grains paid for out of their meager allowances.”

  Xtelle shivered. “This is…pleasant.”

  “I am humbled you think so.”

  “Yes, you were very…tolerable.”

  “So I’ve been told.”

  “I assume you will be at this…petting?”

  “Zoo,” I inserted. “Petting zoo.”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He winked at her.

  She tittered, a high, girlish giggle. “Oh, you.”

  Then they just stood there, staring at each other.

  I cleared my throat. “You know you don’t have a choice, right?”

  Xtelle didn’t even look up at me or Stina. “I accept my penance.”

  “I’m overjoyed.” Stina’s delivery was so dry, I couldn’t help but grin.

  “Well, there you go then,” I said to Xtelle. “I guess you won’t have to do dishes after all. And a petting zoo is one hundred percent pony work. Lucky you.”

  “Be here just after dawn Saturday,” Stina ordered. “If you’re late, you will accumulate additional debt.”

  Frankly, I didn’t think this could have gone better. Pan trotted off.

  Xtelle was no longer paying any attention to Stina. She’d turned her back completely and was now staring out at the gravel parking area.

  Pan oh-so-casually trit-trotted into her line of sight, tossing his head to make his white beard flow in the wind, horns slashing the air as if ready to bash heads with any poor goat who happened by.

  His baa was deep and suggestive.

  Xtelle hummed, obviously liking what she was seeing.

  Duct tape. For my eyes.

  “Thanks for your understanding, Stina,” I said, giving the rope a little tug. “It’s generous of you not to press charges.”

  Xtelle snorted, but followed the tug on the rope, even though she continued staring at Pan over her shoulder.

  “Good-bye, Delaney,” Stina said. I heard the jangle of the bells over the front door that signaled someone had entered her shop.

  “Most people would have been happy to see you sitting in jail.” I picked up the pace.

  “Most people wouldn’t have the audacity to sell such mediocre candy.” She was still half twisted around so she could keep her eyes on Panny.

  “Why did you pick Stina’s shop, out of all the candy shops in Ordinary?”

  “Because it’s delish—” She untwisted and glanced up at me. “Disgusting. She should be ashamed of it.”

  “Don’t do it again.”

  “What if I have a craving for subpar confections?”

  “Earn some money and buy them.”

  “But I’m a pony! Ponies have no earning potential.”

  We were at the Jeep. I opened the back door. She hopped inside and I slammed it shut. The very short walk around the front of the vehicle to the driver’s side was blissfully silent. I savored it.

  I slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine. “You can earn money, and you should.” I backed out of the parking lot and flicked on the right-turn indicator.

  “But, pony,” she said stubbornly.

  “Yes. Ponies can give rides to children. Ponies can be a part of a petting zoo.”

  She perked up, and I clarified, “You’re not getting paid for the one on Saturday, but if someone wants a pony for events, holidays, business openings, sales events, you can work it as a pony. If not that, there’s always pulling work on farms, carriage rides, that sort of thing.”

  “What if I don’t want to do any of that?”

  “Then you can shift into a human form and work a human job somewhere.”

  “Boring.”

  “Nope,” I said easing into traffic. “It’s just Ordinary.”

  She did not laugh at my joke.

  Chapter Seven

  Jean was not surprised, and that worried me.

  “What do you mean, you knew Xtelle would end up back here again?”

  My sister was currently covered in a thin patina of flour, which was weird because there was no way she’d done any actual work, despite the Puffin Muffin apron she was wearing.

  “She got a taste of Ordinary and didn’t want her son to ha
ve all the fun. Of course she’d come back. I’m just surprised you let her back in.”

  “She signed the contract.”

  “Still. You were pretty furious at her.”

  “She lied to me. To us. She cheated her way into Ordinary so she could spy on my sister and try to force her own son to kill himself.”

  “Those tiny magic scissors wouldn’t have killed him.”

  “He didn’t know that.”

  She nodded, her green hair flashing neon in the sunlight that was breaking through the clouds. The Puffin Muffin parking lot was relatively empty for this time of day, but Jean said she’d been helping Hogan bake all morning.

  Jean was lying.

  Xtelle sat in the Jeep, pouting.

  “You tend to hold a grudge, Delaney,” she said.

  “I do not.”

  “What about that time I switched all the heads of your dolls with meatballs?”

  “That wasn’t a grudge. It was property protection—and I’ll never forgive you for it. What did you bake today?”

  “What?”

  “It’s your day off. You said you were helping Hogan bake. I know he gets up at dawn. What have you baked so far?”

  “Puff things and…um…coffee cake…and a strudel?”

  “You haven’t done any of that.”

  “No, but I’m in charge of quality control.”

  “You’re just eating batter and getting in flour fights with Hogan, aren’t you?”

  She smiled. “It’s been a good day.”

  “Good. Because I need you to take on a small job.”

  She dragged one hand over her two high pony tails, making sure they were where she wanted them. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”

  “It’s not volunteering for Bertie.”

  Her entire face lit up. She was the youngest of us three Reed sisters, and when she smiled like that it reminded me so much of my mother, I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “I’m leaving Xtelle with you.”

  She glanced over at the Jeep. “What? Here?”

  “I’m on duty, Myra’s at the derby meeting. I don’t trust anyone else to keep her in her place.”

  “What form did she pick?”

  “Pony.”

  Her mouth quirked up. “So, pony-only rules, right? No talking in front of the unaware, no demon tricks, just hanging out and eating grass?”