Moments of Trust

by Kat Bammer

  “Cool.” Okay, this was nice. Maybe she was ready to move on.

  Caspar’s eyes were drawn to the door when a slender woman in jeans entered. Okay, so that’s what you got for being ready. Julie recognized Tara Patterson, the friend Holly said would join them.

  Tara stepped up to the bar and greeted Blake, Richard, and Julie. She briefly looked at Caspar before she scoffed and turned back to Blake. “Hey, I’m meeting Holly. Is she already here?”

  Julie’s head swiveled between Caspar and the woman. Strange. There was a tenseness around Caspar’s eyes and in his body that hadn’t been there before, but he didn’t say a word. “We’re sitting outside. Let’s go.” Julie hopped from the bar stool and waved at Tara to follow her.

  She didn’t say bye to Caspar, because when she looked back over her shoulder, his eyes were glued to Tara’s butt.

  Yeah, that’s what you got for moving on. Welcome back to the guessing game of unrequited feelings and mortifying meetings. Coming out as second best felt kinda depressing.

  Julie’s phone chimed when they got back outside to the table and when she opened the message from her brother, her breathing turned shallow.

  There was Kevin, in full gear, performing some drills on the ice. He looked fit, focused, and determined. And completely at home on the ice and between the pipes.

  Not miserable.

  Not moping.

  21

  “Hey, Julie, hand me the banner.”

  Julie slowly climbed the lowest step of the ladder and handed the ‘Welcome home’ banner to Holly. Today was the day Lisa and baby Katie were coming home from hospital. Somehow giving birth seemed like a breeze to Lisa, as shown by a whopping two hours in labor. Wasn’t it supposed to take forever for your first child? At least Peter was home when she went into labor, otherwise they might have not made it to the hospital in time.

  “Earth to Julie.”

  Julie’s brother, Paul, who’d arrived three days ago for another surprise visit, beaned her in the head with something.

  “Hey.”

  “You conked out again, little sis.”

  “Did not.”

  “Yes, you did.” When Holly stepped down from the ladder, her brother took a giant leap up the steps and disappeared into the kitchen of the Inn, obviously glad to be over with ladder-holding duty.

  Holly touched her shoulder. “Everything okay?”

  Julie looked at her studio, then back at Holly. Was everything okay? She was still missing Kevin, more so since Paul was home, but she’d pulled her life together. She’d made her peace. Whatever she had with Kevin…it was over, and it was high time for her to just get on with life. No matter if a piece of her heart was still missing. Maybe it would never come back, or maybe it would. At least she had to make an effort to stitch herself back together. She was feeling pathetic already, and the way everyone around her looked at her, they likely thought so too. “I’m good.”

  Holly looked at her as if she didn’t believe her—at all.

  “I’m getting there, okay.”

  “Heartbreak’s a bitch.”

  “Yes, it is, but I’m fine…really.”

  Paul came back out from the kitchen of the Inn and looked from Julie to Holly. “What are you two talking about?”

  “Nothing that concerns you.” All she needed was for her brother to pick up on her still pining for his teammate so she’d made an extra effort since he’d come home.

  “They’re coming.”

  Everyone streamed out the back door to greet them. Blake with little Amelia in his strong arms and Claire and Sunnie right on his heels. Alan and Jessie with Baby Seb looking happier and more in love than ever.

  Holly had cozied up to her brother. Julie still hadn’t had the chance to corner Holly and ask what this was all about, but if she had to make a wild guess, she’d say Holly and Paul had hooked up. Her brother hadn’t even been here a full week, so Julie just hoped Holly knew what she was getting into—or maybe someone had to tell Holly all about her brother.

  The car stopped and Peter climbed out, then Mrs. Reynolds, Lisa’s mother and Lisa herself. Peter unstrapped the baby carrier, and they carefully made their way toward the waiting crowd.

  Everybody huddled around the baby and Peter, so Julie took a step back and approached Lisa. “Hey, congratulations, Speedy.”

  Lisa laughed. “That was quite an experience.”

  They hugged and Julie nearly crushed her friend. “I’m glad everything went well. And look, you’re already home. Sorry I didn’t come visit.”

  Lisa smiled. “No problem. I had more than enough visitors. Not a minute alone with Katie.”

  Julie stepped to the side, to let Holly embrace their friend. She was glad everything went well. But it was staggering how fast time flew by. She’d been working. Thank God, that had taken off, and she had a stream of clients. She really couldn’t complain.

  “Hey, look, who sent a message.” Peter stepped up and handed Lisa his phone, who pushed play on the video message.

  Julie hesitated and prepared herself. What if it was another video of her brother and Kevin? But as soon as she saw a bunch of dusty, heavily bearded men, in khakis, on the screen, who raised their bottles to celebrate Katie’s birth, she exhaled slowly and released the involuntary tension from her body. She couldn’t make out much on the screen from her angle. But she’d identified the men as Peter and Blake’s former teammates. When the video got drowned out by a helicopter taking off in the background, the screen turned black.

  “Where are they?” Lisa asked Peter when she handed back the phone.

  Peter shrugged. “Somewhere they’re needed.”

  And that was the end of the conversation. Those men left to go somewhere they were needed. Such a profound act of service. Soldiers left because they were needed. Not because they wanted to.

  22

  Okay, this was awful. Kevin stepped into the locker room and flopped on the bench where he unlaced his skates. He ignored the smell of pizza permeating around him that only enhanced the sick feeling in his stomach.

  Paul sat down next to him, a grin splitting his face. “Dude, you were awesome out there. I’m so glad to have you back.”

  Well, that made one of them. Make that two, because Coach said something similar after the game. But no matter how much they told Kevin that he was playing better than ever, his body hurt. Paul got up to get a slice of pizza and shoved one into Kevin’s hand.

  “How about hanging out tomorrow night?” Paul stuffed the pizza into his mouth.

  Kevin looked down at the slice in his hand and nibbled. His stomach was queasy, and he wasn’t sure if he could hold down food just yet. He couldn’t remember his body ever hurting like this. He could feel a slight swelling in both of his knees already. Of course, the second game in two back-to-back games was always excruciating, but they had won both games.

  Shouldn’t he feel satisfaction and joy?

  At least that’s what he thought he’d feel when he finally made it back on the ice. But when Coach patted him on the back and told him how glad he was that Kevin was back, Kevin’s first impulse was to burst out in tears—and not happy tears. Second thought was a strong urge to call Julie—share everything that was going on with him.

  He was getting good at ignoring these urges. Even though they hadn’t gone away in the last six months. Kevin thought by ignoring his feelings and making a hard cut…all the feelings…all the weaknesses would go away. But all he felt was as if he was missing some vital part of himself all the fucking time. As if he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do. When all he ever wanted was to play hockey.

  So he had worked like a maniac to come back, had pushed through countless hours of sweat and pain. But the happiness didn’t come.

  “Get going, boys. Forty minutes.” One of the trainers moved into the middle of the room to throw away the pizza cartons. Kevin looked down at the slice still in his hand. He stood up and threw it into the pile. When he got back to h
is locker, Paul was texting on the phone.

  Maybe he was texting Julie. “Hey, what’s Julie up to these days?”

  Paul looked at him with a scathing look—the same look he gave every time Kevin asked about her. He was kind of used to it by now. Even though it stung. Sometimes he regretted hooking up with Julie, but then again, only because it put a strain on his and Paul’s friendship, not because he actually regretted a single moment he spent with her.

  Not A Single One.

  Kevin ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t wait to get home to his apartment. There he could wallow in the past. He could look at pictures of Julie and Moon Lake, like he did almost every night. He allowed himself that much. At least none of his teammates knew how pathetic he really was. And he was being pathetic—he couldn’t ignore that fact any longer. Given the fact that hanging out with Paul or his teammates and getting on with his life had lost any appeal.

  Paul shook his head, stood up, put his phone back in the locker, and started to undress. He sighed. “I haven’t talked to Julie since I visited last time. I think she’s avoiding me. But Dad told me she’s going out again. Hasn’t done that in a good long while. So, the parents are happy.”

  White-hot rage surged through Kevin’s body and he squeezed his fists, then deliberately deepened his breathing pattern and released the tight grip. He was surprised and a little shocked by the strength of his emotions.

  Paul gathered his things and moved toward the shower. Before he entered, he stopped and turned around. “You coming, old man?”

  Kevin nodded and hustled to remove his clothes. He really needed to get going with showering before the reporters arrived. Not like yesterday, when he’d been late, and been more or less naked when they flooded the locker room for their post-game interviews.

  Kevin made his shower a short one, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what Paul had said earlier. Julie was going out again. Kevin’s ribs squeezed tight when he thought about Julie going out with another man. His jaw hurt after a while and he deliberately unclenched his teeth. The vision of another man touching his Julie made him hit the shower wall—hard. He bloodied his knuckles which made him remember her stalker…how she completely broke down in fear in his arms, but then the picture transformed to that of another night, their first night together, and all that followed. Kevin thought a clean break would be better for both of them. But the more he thought about it…the more time he spent apart from her…miserable and alone…the more he was sure he’d made the wrong choice. A very wrong choice.

  Somebody called out that they had twenty minutes left and Kevin hurried to get dressed. He earned a few side looks from his teammates but most of them knew better than to mess with him. Now that he was coming off his adrenaline high, his knees throbbed even more…along with his knuckles. He couldn’t wait to get on the bus, then get home. Tomorrow there would be a press conference. The press was excited about his comeback. He had to prepare for that even though he hated talking in front of the press. He hated to be scrutinized by them, his teammates, and everyone else. Somehow he’d blotted out all the bad parts of this life. And now it all came rushing back…with a vengeance. And suddenly this life didn’t feel so hot. Yes, there were moments on the ice when he’d found his zone, when it was exhilarating and easy, when he could predict the moves his opponents were going to make. But he wasn’t sure if those moments still outweighed all the shit that came with it.

  All the shit…and the pain.

  He should be beyond happy, now that all he’d worked for so hard was finally here. But he wasn’t so sure he wanted it anymore. This wasn’t his dream anymore. At least it wasn’t enough to be the only thing in his life. Somehow, in these last few months, his dreams had changed…broadened…and a very special someone had taken more and more ground.

  Kevin zipped up his jeans just in time before the locker room was swamped with reporters.

  “Reyes, how you feeling?”

  How was he feeling? He wouldn’t tell them how he was feeling if it was the last thing he said. “I’m fine. Great. Actually, the boys all did a superb job and I’m lucky to be part of a team like this.”

  “How are the knees holding up?” The reporter who asked this question had a sleazy smile on his face, ready to dig up dirt wherever he could find some.

  “My knees are a hundred percent. Better than ever.” Take that, asshole.

  There were a few more questions which Kevin answered with his usual standardized answers. God, this shit bored him. Back in Moon Lake, he’d had no reason to create a public persona. Then why did he create this wall between Julie and him? Why hadn’t he been honest about his feelings? He’d retreated behind a mask, just like he’d done his whole life. Here it was to protect his privacy. But why did he do it back there? She wouldn’t have hurt him. She was the kindest person he’d ever met. Julie could be fierce but only because she cared about the people in her life.

  And she’d cared about him. And instead of trusting her with his heart, he hadn’t even tried. He’d just said nothing…waited for…some sign from her that she wanted a future…something like that. Instead of getting it all out—his feelings, his hopes and dreams, he’d been a coward.

  Kevin groaned and facepalmed. He was a dumbass. He’d possibly thrown away the single best thing that had ever happened to him. Just because he was used to keeping people at arm’s length? Or because he was a coward.

  “You okay, dude? You’re white as a sheet.” Paul clutched his neck. “You going to throw up?”

  Kevin shook his head, stood up, and packed his things into his sports bag.

  The strong sense of not being where he should be was at the forefront of his mind.

  When was it time to leave? Kevin couldn’t wait to get home.

  He wouldn’t miss this part of the job: the traveling, the sitting on a bus or plane with all the guys.

  It would be hard to leave the boys, but eventually this day would’ve come anyhow, and maybe the time for him had come now.

  At least the decision would be his. He would go out on his own terms. Not because he was forced out.

  And then he could sort out what was really important in his life. He could return to Moon Lake. To Julie.

  Retirement.

  The word was still hard to swallow. The concept even more so. But somehow it had lost its edge already. The more he missed Julie, the more he thought about his months in Moon Lake, and the more tangible a life after hockey got.

  He’d wanted this comeback. He’d worked so hard for it. All his life he’d sacrificed everything for this dream. Every other thing in his life had always taken second place. Maybe now it was time to change the sacrifice. He’d left his heart in Moon Lake. This was his chance to feel whole again, not just a human shell going through the motions, fueled only by victories.

  Kevin chose a seat in the back of the bus and closed his eyes. There was a lot he had to think about before tomorrow, but he would do this at home. He could feel Paul sitting down next to him. But Kevin was too tired to engage in any conversation or shoot the breeze with his best friend…or pretend to not be madly in love with his sister.

  “I love Julie.”

  Okay, maybe he wasn’t too tired.

  Kevin opened his eyes and looked at Paul whose stony face made him chuckle—almost and brace for impact. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear this. I know you told me off before and I tried. But I can’t anymore. Scratch that… I don’t want to.”

  Paul still stared at Kevin without any reaction.

  “I will tell her tomorrow… Oh, who am I kidding? Most likely I’ll be begging on my knees she’ll take me.”

  That brought Paul out of his stupor and he folded his arms across his chest. “I can’t wait for that. Took you long enough, asshole.”

  Kevin’s eyebrows shot up when Paul chuckled. “I’ve been waiting months for you to come to your fucking senses. All the while watching you and my sister moping around like some cheesy version of Romeo and
Juliet. God, you people annoy me.”

  Paul shook his head and displayed a wide grin, then he put his earbuds into his ears and closed his eyes.

  Kevin leaned back in his own seat and scoffed. So much for that. Now he just had to figure out how to fix everything with Julie.

  23

  “Come on, Dad. It’s just a replay.”

  “No…it’s a family tradition.” Her father gave Julie a stern look.

  “But I gotta go prepare. I’ll meet my newest client.”

  “In two hours, that’s what you said,” her mother called out from the kitchen.

  Shit. She wasn’t getting out of watching. Julie flopped down on the couch in her parents’ living room and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She checked her emails, then social media. She’d hidden posts of her brother and banned everything hockey-related from her feed a month ago, so no danger there—except the stupid family tradition of watching Paul’s games—and Kevin’s.

  When her mother placed a bowl of popcorn on the table, Julie put her phone down, snagged it up, and munched on popcorn.

  “They’ve had two back-to-back games and a press conference. I’ve DVR’d all three. You missed the first game. This is the second one and then the press thingy. Should’ve seen the first one. Our boy looked mighty good on the ice.”

  Was he talking about Paul…or Kevin? She shook her head…didn’t matter. She sure as hell wouldn’t ask.

  The sharp flash of pain in her chest, when she saw a smiling Kevin take to the ice and waving, wasn’t unexpected but it still unnerved her. This was her life, and moping around because of a man wasn’t part of the plan.

  She sat up and put the bowl back on the table. She’d lost her appetite, but she focused on the game and especially on Paul and Kevin.

  Paul was playing his usual style. Somehow, despite years of training and years of playing professional hockey, he still kept his unique way of skating.

  There was some action right in front of Kevin’s net. But he made a great save. He looked right at home between those pipes. Not at all like someone on his second game since forever. He’d missed the entire last season. Most of which he’d spent in Moon Lake…with her.