Perfunctory Affection

by Kim Harrison

  Her sleepy smile lingered as she took in the pleasant living room opening up to the kitchen. She and Haley had finished unpacking last night, and the small apartment looked like a dream with the pale blue sheers at the window wall shifting in the breeze coming in from the balcony. The color went with the glass vase Meg had picked out, and the daisies she’d arranged within it looked like a piece of perfection.

  Hands stretching to the ceiling, she stood, thinking that she’d never slept so well. No nightmares, no images of Austin broken and bloody, bleeding his life out in her car while she sat in the blessed stillness and did nothing.

  Content, she folded the bedding up and stacked it on a nearby chair so she could put the new sunflower-graced pillows back on the couch where they belonged beside the Picasso-themed throw done in yarn. Turning, Meg’s smile widened as she saw her canvas set up beside the window to catch the coming afternoon sun—right where she had envisioned it. Her brushes and pigments that she’d brought from home were arranged neatly on a small table beside it. There was even an adjustable artist’s stool that Haley had insisted on buying after finding out she was moving in. Everything was arranged upon a soft, warm rug that Haley had picked out for just this reason.

  Slowly Meg’s smile faded. Her tools looked like clutter next to the clean precision of the rest of the apartment. No… not clutter, more like the toy box set up to keep the child happy and entertained.

  Standing there in the cool breeze from the window, Meg felt a frown furrow her brow as she remembered Haley’s oddly intense determination that everything on the rug be exactly how Meg wanted it. It was her spot, Haley had insisted, but now, seeing everything arranged just so, the rug looked like a dog blanket.

  “Stop it, Meg. She just wanted to make sure you didn’t lose the security deposit,” she whispered, refusing to let herself ruin this.

  Turning away, Meg shuffled into the bathroom, as quietly as she could. Her shorter hair was almost a shock as she stared at herself in the wide mirror. She never took her gaze off it as she brushed her teeth using Haley’s cinnamon toothpaste. Anticipation quickened her fingers as she got dressed in one of her new outfits. Her mood restored, she looked at herself and called her black work shorts and breezy top good. Her feet were bare in her new sandals to show off her pedicure, and with a final flip of her hair, she adjusted the smooth length of Rorry’s necklace to hide the clasp.

  He’ll be back tonight, she thought, letting her anticipation rise up to show in her eyes. What would he think of her moving in? A flash of anxiety pulled through her, and Meg drew her purse closer, pushing aside the guilt along with her empty diary as she searched for her meds. A bare three pills rattled as she opened the vial and used the water from the tap to wash one down.

  Exhaling, Meg looked at herself in the mirror again, calmer as the overhead light hit her necklace to send shafts of gold about the small room. “I’ve got this,” she whispered as she stuffed the pill vial back under her diary, glad she was going to see Dr. Jillium this afternoon to get more. Getting there and back without Haley knowing might be difficult, but if Meg stopped in right after class, Haley would never know.

  With a final primp in the mirror, Meg went out, her thoughts on making coffee vanishing when the soft sounds of Haley and Rorry talking in the kitchen met her. Their give-and-take banter sounded like home, and Meg’s pulse leapt.

  “Rorry!” Beaming, Meg crossed the living room, glad now that she’d already folded up her sheets and stacked her pillows. Not to mention brushed her teeth and put on a wisp of makeup. “I didn’t think you’d be back this soon. Did you miss your train?”

  Haley uncrossed her arms from over her middle as Rorry saw Meg, his eyebrows rising. “Wow, you look great,” he said, and Haley’s somewhat cross expression eased into what might be pride.

  “Didn’t I tell you?” she said, smiling to make Meg feel as if she’d interrupted a conversation about her. “Good morning, Meg. You want some coffee?”

  “Yes, please,” Meg said, eager to use one of the cheerful mugs that Haley had bought yesterday. It had flowers enameled on the inside as well as out, and Meg had never seen anything so frivolous and charming. “What are you doing here?” she asked Rorry, then caught her breath, surprised when he gave her an expansive hug.

  “I’ve been there and back. For once, the commute went smoothly. Wow. I can’t get over how you look. That necklace is perfect on you.”

  “I love it. Thank you so much,” she said again, heart pounding as she dropped back a step. There was a white pastry bag on the counter, and, giving her a wink, Rorry slid backwards and up to sit on the counter. Head down, he pulled the bag closer and opened it up.

  “It’s the wearer, not the jewelry,” Haley said primly as she pulled the paper bag back and took out a muffin. “And what do you think about the apartment? We’ve been working on it all weekend. I think it’s done. Meg, what do you think? Are we good?”

  Meg watched Haley hand the bag back to Rorry, and he eagerly delved inside. Not a whisper of her anger remained. Perhaps Meg had imagined it. “Maybe,” she said, never having thought that she’d ever be sorry about not getting to the mall. “It looks about done. A few more things here and there, but nothing we can’t pick up when we see it.”

  His attention in the bag, Rorry took out two muffins. “I think it looks fabulous, but you, Meg, are amazing. It makes me wish I hadn’t promised a girl that I’d be back before winter,” he said as he extended a muffin to her.

  “Oh. Thanks,” she murmured, taking it.

  “Haley says you’re going to stay with us,” Rorry said, and Meg hesitated over the muffin. It was lemon. Of course.

  “Just until I find my own place,” she said as she picked a crumble off the top and ate it.

  “What about your old place?” Rorry asked, then took a huge bite of his muffin. “I thought you kicked your old boyfriend out. Is he getting ugly?” he said around his chewing.

  Eyes rolling, Haley handed Rorry a napkin. “Why should she stay there when she can find something closer to us? Something he doesn’t have a key to? A fresh start, right, Meg?”

  “I suppose,” Rorry said, and Meg nodded. Giving up on ever having another apple turnover again, she began to eat the lemon muffin. It was store bought, but good, and Meg watched in dread as Haley put spoonful after spoonful of sugar into one of those perfectly flowered mugs.

  “Here you go,” Haley said as she offered it to Meg, looking almost anxious. “What do you think? It’s a new coffee maker. I’ve never used it before. Is it good?”

  Meg eyed the sugar bomb before taking it, her desire to please Haley fighting with the urge to tell her she liked her coffee black, and only black. The need to keep Haley smiling won, and Meg took a sip, forcing a smile. “Perfect.”

  “Damn, I just can’t get over how you look, Meg,” Rorry said, and Meg pretended to take another sip. “You’re like another person. No, same person, but the best parts shined up.”

  “Thanks.” Meg set the coffee down, wondering if she should begin to cultivate a history of being klutzy and spill it in the sink.

  Ankles crossed, Haley leaned back against the counter and sipped from her own flowered mug. “Meg, I’m sorry to do this to you, but I’ve got to go home for a few days. Family emergency.”

  Meg’s eyes shot to Rorry. “Home?” she asked, setting her coffee down. “Is everything okay? Rorry just got back.”

  Leaning across the space, Haley gave Meg’s hand a squeeze. “It should be, yes,” she said as she dropped back, her eyes showing only a faint concern. “But I need to take care of a few things. Rorry will stay with you to keep Austin and that ugly homeless man away.”

  Meg was silent. Moving in with Haley and Rorry didn’t sound as smart a decision if Haley wasn’t going to be around to buffer Rorry. Sure, Rorry seemed to be a nice guy. He looked harmless as he sat on the counter, his long legs dangling down as he tried to unsuccessfully corral his crumbs and eat a second muffin at the same time. B
ut she’d known him for only a few days.

  “Meg, please say you’ll stay and wait for me,” Haley said, clearly recognizing her reticence. “I hate coming back to an empty apartment, and knowing you’ll be here when I return makes me feel better about leaving. Besides, I don’t want to leave unless I know you have someone to help if Austin or that horrid homeless man starts to bother you again.”

  There was that. A buffer between her and Austin would be more than nice. Going back to her old apartment wasn’t an option. It was more than her pride could take. “Maybe I could go with you,” Meg said, and Rorry started, beaming as he exchanged a wordless, encouraging look with Haley. “I could give my students a week-long assignment and blow them off. No one will say anything.”

  Her smile fond, Haley click-clacked across the kitchen to give Meg a hug, pulling her close for a brief second before letting her go to hold her at arm’s length and just smile. “That’s why I’m going, dear heart,” she said, shocking Meg to stillness. “I want to ask if you can come and visit. If you want to, that is. Maybe for summer break. I could use a nice vacation, and I know you’d like it there. That’s what Rorry was doing,” she added as she glanced at him, her hands still on Meg’s shoulders. “But my father is such a stickler about protocol. If we did things his way, you’d have to get a passport and fill out forms. I know if I could talk to him face to face and tell him how wonderful you are that he’d say yes. You just have to come visit,” she implored, finally letting go to drop back a step. “You’d fit in so well, and my mother will adore your art. Everyone will.”

  Meg’s pulse hammered. She didn’t know what to say. It was what she wanted. Hell, she had suggested it herself just now. But Christopher’s warning suddenly rose up. Them. Had he been talking about Haley and Rorry? But they weren’t imaginary. They were real, as real as she was. Christopher was a loon hooked on a drug that had warped his vision of reality.

  The same one I’m on, Meg thought, the three pills she had left heavy on her mind.

  “Meg, it’s going to be fine. I promise,” Haley said as she threw the last of her muffin away in the decorator trash can with the electronic lid and wiped her hands on the pretty floral print flour-sack dishtowel. “I’ll be gone just a few days. I already gave my own students a week-long assignment. Rorry will keep you company.”

  Haley smiled encouragingly. Beside her, still sitting on the counter, Rorry saluted Meg with his third muffin.

  Meg hesitated. It felt like a failure to return to that brown apartment and Austin. She’d already told Dr. Jillium she had called it quits between them. “Why not?” Meg finally agreed, and Rorry grunted his approval.

  “Thank you,” Haley said, holding Meg’s hand for an instant before turning away and taking her purse up from on the counter. “I’ll see you in a few days, then. With good news. I promise!”

  “You’re leaving right now?” Meg blurted, then flushed at how needy it had sounded.

  Haley, though, didn’t seem to notice. “If I hurry, I can catch the transport that Rorry came in on,” she said as she pulled him off the counter and gave him a quick hug. “Take care of Meg for me,” she admonished him. “Can you handle it for a day or two?”

  A day or two? Meg thought, disappointed.

  “Ab-so-friggin-lutely,” Rorry said as he reached for the bag of muffins again. “Meg, you want a ride into work? I love driving.”

  Meg was scrambling to catch up. Things were happening fast, but yes, she did need to go into class today. “You’re not going to take Haley to the station?”

  Haley shook her head as she checked inside her purse. “No,” she said as she snapped it shut. “I’m going to walk it. By the time I get there, things might be ready to go. But thanks, anyway.” She gave Meg a hug, and the scent of daisies and Queen Anne’s lace seemed to rise up between them. “This is going to be so wonderful,” she said as she dropped back, moving toward the door even as she spoke. “I promise, Meg. Bye, Rorry!”

  “Later, Haley,” he said, his head down as he finished his breakfast.

  Meg watched her go, feeling somewhat abandoned as Haley breezed through the living room and then out the front door. It shut with a firm thump, and an unexpected stirring of excitement gripped Meg in the new silence. Alone with Rorry? Anything could happen.

  “I love what you two did with the apartment,” Rorry said, and she looked up, noticing how tall he was.

  “I didn’t know you had a car,” she said, and he smiled, putting a finger conspiratorially to the side of his nose.

  “I thought I could drive yours,” he said, and Meg blinked. The one that she and Austin shared. It was in her name, and parked right across the campus at her old place. The last thing she wanted was for Rorry to think she was afraid, and it was her car, damn it, gotten from her mom when she died. If she wasn’t with Austin anymore, he had no right to drive it. She could tell Rorry that Austin had crumpled the front right panel, the one that she had left a mangled mess to remind herself not to run into any more trees.

  “Why not?” she said, feeling breezy and daring as she set her coffee into the sink and threw her napkin away. “Give me a sec to get my purse.”

  Fifteen

  The window was down, and the wind was a pleasant caress in Meg’s hair as Rorry drove her back across campus. Her maroon Volvo had been right where it was supposed to be, and the thrill of stealing her own car was still running high in her. That Austin hadn’t run out to stop them had been a relief. That Rorry hadn’t said anything as he scrutinized the replaced, blue passenger side door on the otherwise maroon car, or the mangled, never-fixed passenger-side front panel had been even better. Feeling daring, she had the radio on louder than usual and the happy pop music made her smile.

  To be honest, it would have been faster to have walked to class than hike across campus to get her car only to have to drive the entire way back. But this? she thought, beaming in the dappled sun as she brushed a spider out the open window and the wind ripped it away. This had been worth the trek across the quad. She had her car back. She and Haley could hit the stores hard now.

  Rorry was a competent driver, one hand on the wheel, the other resting on the open window where the breeze shifted the hair on his arm. Noticing her attention on him, he smiled. “Go, go, go!” he said dramatically, echoing her words when she’d unlocked the car and they had piled in.

  “Yeah, well, it was fun, wasn’t it?” she said, and he laughed.

  Feeling as if nothing could ruin her day, she sighed happily and gazed out the front window at the passing buildings and shops, playing with her gold pendant. It felt good to be out with Rorry. Being with Haley was empowering because Haley liked her ideas and they had fun together. But Rorry made her feel special, desirable, that she was worth something to more than just one person.

  “I don’t have anything to do this afternoon,” he said, his measured, melodious voice going perfectly with the dappled shadows racing over the car. “Do you want to meet for lunch? Maybe Swanks?”

  She felt as if she’d die and go to heaven if she walked into Swanks for lunch with Rorry, but her grip on her purse tightened. Stealing her own car had made her feel daring, but not that daring. “I’m going to be covered in paint by the end of class,” she said, looking for an excuse. “There’s only so much that a cleaner can do. But I like the idea of lunch. How about we go somewhere else? Somewhere that will overlook a few smears of paint.”

  “They’ll think you’re quirky,” Rorry countered. “No one will say anything. Haley told me they have a great French onion soup.”

  “They never say anything,” Meg insisted. “That’s half the problem,” she added, unable to do it. Eating at Swanks with Haley at the end of a perfect day of shopping was different than walking in at noon after class, still in her work clothes and covered in paint. “Rorry, I’m not dressed for it. I’m sorry.”

  He turned to her, almost seeming shocked as he looked at what she was wearing, Slowly his brow furrowed. “I suppose you�
��re right,” he said, making her wonder if he’d forgotten that what she looked like mattered, too. “Then how about the putt-putt course?” he asked, but she thought his smile might be forced. “They make a mean hot dog.”

  “Sure. That’s more in line with Monday.” Lip between her teeth, she stared out at the passing buildings as she wondered what tax bracket he’d grown up in and felt inadequate. But even that couldn’t dampen her mood and she sighed when her building loomed large. “You can park behind the building,” she said, pointing at the small drive. “Right through there.”

  “Got it.” Rorry smoothly turned the wheel, and Meg shivered as the shade of the building took them. It was damp back here where the nightly watering never saw the sun, and a tree frog trilled from one of the trees lining the lot. She looked up at the tops of the old oaks seeing the glint of webs. They were thick this year, but thankfully they seemed to prefer the sunnier reaches.

  “I like paint under your nails,” Rorry said out of the blue, and Meg flushed, her gaze dropping to her hands and the perfect red ovals that would likely be destroyed by the end of class. Austin had said nearly the same thing ages ago. “I forget that most people don’t see it and think quirky, creative genius.”

  “I’m not a creative genius,” she said, flushing, and Rorry smiled as he cruised for a spot.

  “Genius is as genius does,” Rorry said cryptically. “I can’t wait to see you paint our dock at sunset with all the boats at rest. Like birds on the shore,” he finished wistfully.

  Still warm from the flattery, Meg scanned the lot. “It sounds lovely.”