The Bondage of Love

by Catherine Cookson

  Before Sammy did what was asked of him, a request made in order, he knew, to get rid of him, he stared enquiringly at Katie, and she, trying to smile said, ‘Do as you’re told. For once, do as you’re told.’

  With the room to themselves now, Katie, looking at her father, said, ‘We could an’ all, you know, just do exactly what he said. And what could you do about it? Just stop our allowance. Well, we’d find some way out. Half of them in the colleges have to take a job at night and nowadays there’s always the banks.’

  ‘Katie!’ Fiona was on her feet. ‘Stop it now! Stop it! Please!’ She glanced at Bill, who was staring wide-eyed at the tall, indignant young creature before him. And now, pushing Katie down into the corner of the couch, she said, ‘That’s no way to act. That’s no way to talk. We are…are just surprised, that’s all…but pleased. Oh, yes, my dear, I’m so pleased.’

  ‘Well, that’s something to hear, Mam,’ Katie said quietly.

  When Fiona took her place on the couch again she had to sit close to Bill, but he gave no sign that he noticed her presence, nor did one of them speak until Sammy entered the room again carrying a tray. As he put it down on the table, he turned towards them with a smile and said, ‘You should go into the hall. There’s a singing contest going on: Grandma and Angela are in the conservatory, one singing Hickory, Dickory, Dock, and the other Three Blind Mice, but they are both harmonising.’

  Fiona smiled, saying, ‘That often happens. And as you say, they do harmonise.’

  Sammy now asked Bill, ‘May I fill your cup up?’

  ‘What? No, no, thanks.’

  ‘What about you, Mrs B?’

  ‘No more for me, dear.’

  Sammy poured out two cups of tea and took one to Katie; and again there fell a silence among them until Fiona asked, ‘What time are you leaving tomorrow?’

  ‘Oh, about ten,’ said Sammy. ‘I’ll have to present myself to my landlady and get my things arranged. It’s all right for some people’—he nodded towards Katie—‘privileged, living in hall.’

  ‘It has its drawbacks,’ put in Katie.

  ‘I’m going to miss you both,’ said Fiona.

  ‘Yes, I know. We were talking about that last night,’ Katie said, nodding towards Sammy.

  ‘It would happen that Nell’s time is taken up more than usual, and Grandma seems a permanent fixture up in the nursery.’

  ‘There’ll only really be Willie and Dad to see to, so you’ll be lonely for a time.’

  ‘Oh, no, not really. No, we’ve…we’ve got a new arrangement.’

  ‘Yes?’ Both Sammy and Katie looked at her, and she nodded her head at Katie, saying, ‘Your father’s idea.’

  There was an uneasy movement to her right. But Fiona didn’t turn towards Bill, she continued to look at Katie as she went on, ‘He knew I’d be at a loose end with all the family gone, Mark included; then next year Willie will be joining you, unless he goes to Newcastle, so he thought it would be a good idea if I took a course at the Open University. It would give me something to do. Perhaps I, too, could contemplate a de—’ Before she could finish the word she felt Bill about to spring from the couch, and her arm went out swiftly. Her hand gripping his leg, she said, ‘Don’t say it, Bill. Please, don’t say it!’ She had turned towards him and was smiling, and his face, which had almost depicted rage, was now covered with a red hue. And when his head drooped slightly, Katie, straightening up, said, ‘I think that’s wonderful. It’s the best news. It’s made my day. And I know it has Sammy’s too, because for some time now we’ve been talking on and off about how the house would be depleted with one and another of us going. Oh Dad, that was good of you!’

  Bill now pressed her gently aside; then getting onto his feet, he looked down on Fiona, and she, looking up at him, said, ‘Thanks again.’

  When Bill gave her no answer whatever, especially such a one as they would have expected, but just left the room without a word, they both looked at Fiona.

  Her chin was pressing into her chest now and she was biting on her lip. And Katie, putting her arms around her shoulders, said, ‘What is it, Mam? What is it?’ Fiona answered, ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

  ‘What? What d’you mean?’

  ‘Say that it was his idea about the Open University.’

  ‘Well…well, wasn’t it?’ Sammy had asked the question.

  And now Fiona swallowed deeply, as she said, ‘No. No, it wasn’t. He’s…he’s dead set against it. I wanted to do this nearly two years ago, because I do get lonely, you know.’

  ‘Oh, Mam! Mam! Yes, of course. We’ve all been very unthinking, really, up till lately; but Sammy and I have talked about you being left alone. And Dad was against it?’

  ‘Oh, yes. Yes, it’s impossible for him to share.’

  ‘What would he be sharing?’ There was a puzzled note in the question from Sammy; and Fiona looked at him and said, simply, ‘Me.’

  ‘Oh, no! That isn’t him.’

  Fiona didn’t say, ‘Yes, that is him.’ But Katie said, ‘Yes. Yes, I can see. He would think that…well, he would be losing you in some way. He…he’s always known you were superior.’

  ‘No. No, Katie.’ Fiona turned quickly on her. ‘No, I am not superior.’

  ‘In his eyes, and in everybody else’s, you are superior, Mam. You were brought up differently. Sammy knows what I mean, don’t you, Sammy?’

  ‘Oh, yes. Yes, I do. And I see his side of it. Oh, yes. If I was the Sammy Love I once was, I would feel the same about Katie. But with his and your help, I’ve been given a façade and I’ve been able to realise I’ve got a mind. This wouldn’t have happened if I’d still been in Bog’s End.’

  ‘But Bill is a very clever man, Sammy.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, he is, he is a brilliant man when it comes to his kind of work. But he also knows, for instance, that he couldn’t sit and discuss the arts with anybody. Not as you could. If I spoke of John Donne to you, you would know that I was referring to the great writer and poet. Likely, if I spoke to Bill, he would ask me who he was. Was he local, or something like that? And if one dared to laugh, my God, he would level them! He’s a man who can hold his own with any other man in his own line, but he’s conscious of his drawbacks, not compared with anyone else, but with you. Yet, as I said before, he’s the best man I know or will ever get to know. And to me, he is worth all the learned professors that are likely to come my way during the next few years. And I can say this; had he been given the chance when he was young, the same as I was given by him and you, he, too, could have been a flier. As for you, Mrs B, you couldn’t even stand the smell of me, could you?’

  When Katie and he laughed, Fiona said with a deep sadness in her voice, ‘No, I couldn’t, Sammy, and that proves a great lack in my make-up. And I’m as much aware of that side of me as he is of himself, because I lack his humanity.’

  ‘Oh, no, you don’t, Mam. Oh, no, you don’t.’ Katie’s protest was loud and Fiona, tapping her daughter’s flapping hand, said, ‘All right, all right, I don’t.’

  ‘But you’re not going to let him put you off, are you, Mam?’

  ‘No; strangely, no. I’m standing up to him about this, and I find it very, very difficult, because I love him dearly. I loved him when I married him. I knew what kind of man he was then, because he told me quite seriously if I looked at anyone else, he would shoot us both.’

  ‘Oh, Mam!’

  ‘Oh, yes. It wasn’t in fun. I knew that. The only man I’ve really ever spoken to as an equal is Rupert, you know.’ She nodded at Katie now. ‘And Bill was so jealous of him, he insulted him and practically told him to get out. And it was at the time I was carrying Angela. I was an awful-looking sight and very unattractive. I think that he would have thrown Rupert out of the house bodily if it hadn’t been that he was connected with Sir Charles Kingdom. And you know something? Since then I have never had an interesting conversation with anyone outside the family; I have to watch my ps and qs when we eat out.’

&n
bsp; ‘I…I can’t believe it,’ Katie said.

  ‘Oh, shut up, you!’ said Sammy. ‘You can’t believe it. Well, I, in my own way, will prove it to you some day if I catch you in deep conversation with some polished individual.’ This caused Fiona to smile at him now and to put her hand out to him and say, ‘Sammy, he’s likely in the garden. Go on out and have a natter with him in your own way. I think you understand him better than any of us.’

  ‘Yes, I think I do. I suppose it’s because we are both from the same nest. But I must have developed a double shell. And you must realise that that’s why he is for Daisy, too, because we are a trio. Mr Bill will always remain himself; but I have hopes for Daisy.’

  ‘Oh, Sammy,’ Fiona pushed him, ‘I now know what your career will be; it will be in the diplomatic service. You’ll be up in London before we know where we are.’

  ‘Of course, of course.’ He nodded his head at her. ‘That’s my intention, to have a house in Belgrave Square. Oh, yes.’ Then assuming a strutting pose, he went from the room.

  He did not find Bill in the garden, nor in the wood, but when he re-entered the hall and heard high squeals of delight coming from upstairs, he took the stairs two at a time and made for the nursery, where he found Bill sitting in the old basket rocking chair, with his arms about his child and hers tightly about his neck.

  Mrs Vidler turned to him, saying, ‘Hello, there, Sammy. These two will be on the floor in a minute.’

  ‘Well, it looks as if it will serve them both right.’

  Going close to her, Sammy whispered in her ear, ‘Mrs B’s got some news for you.’

  ‘Fiona? News for me?’

  ‘Well, it’s news about me and another person.’

  ‘Really?’ Her head to one side and a slow smile spreading over her face, she said, ‘Now, I wonder what that could be? Yes, I do, I do. May I have a guess?’

  ‘No: I wouldn’t try. But there’s some tea going downstairs.’

  ‘Oh, then I can’t wait.’

  She turned from him and went towards the door, then came back, and, in her turn, whispered in his ear, ‘Some people are blind. But I’ve always had good eyesight. Congratulations.’

  He pushed her gently on the shoulder. He liked the old girl. He hadn’t at one time, oh no, but she grew on you.

  The rocking had stopped. Angela had climbed down from her father’s knee, and now she rushed towards Sammy, saying, ‘Sam…my. Sammy. Sammy.’

  ‘Yes, milady? What is it?’

  When she held out her arms, he lifted her up, saying, ‘Oh my! You get heavier every day. You’ll soon need a crane to lift you.’

  She laughed into his face, her round eyes gleaming with happiness and love. She was a child who oozed loving emotion, but even more so did she pour it out on Bill. Her voice had a lisp to it, but her words were strung together coherently, as now when struggling down from Sammy’s hold she said, ‘Look! Imadecat.’ She ran towards a table on which was an array of plasticine animals, some quite recognisable, a box of coloured crayons, and some wooden tools.

  Angela was pointing to a longish roll of plasticine, on one end of which was stuck a ball, and on the other a long tail, and, looking up at Sammy, she said, ‘Pawsanwhiskers.’

  ‘Yes. Yes.’ He smiled down at her, and she said, ‘What?’

  Bill said softly, ‘She’s asking you what you think it is.’ And Sammy’s voice was terse as he replied, ‘I know, I know.’ And he did know because he had played longer with the child than Bill had, in spite of his open adoration for her. And now he scratched his head as he looked down into her bright face, then said, ‘Kanga…roo?’ And now he put both feet together, formed his arms into two legs and began to hop, while she squealed with delight, crying, ‘No! No! Notkanga…silly!’ Now he was galloping.

  Still laughing, Angela turned to Bill, saying, ‘Dada tell Sam, tell Sam.’ And Bill, coming out of his bitter reverie for a moment, said, ‘It’s a pussy cat, you dumb-head.’ And she repeated, ‘Pussycat, dumb-head.’

  ‘Oh! Oh, yes, of course. Well, go on and finish it, then I’ll know what it is.’

  Immediately now she sat down on a low chair and began to roll up bits of plasticine into narrow strips.

  They both watched her for a moment; then Bill walked slowly back to the rocking chair. And when Sammy went and stood by his side, they exchanged glances, but neither of them spoke. And it was evident to Sammy that Bill’s mood was black, perhaps the blackest he had ever seen in him, and so his voice was low and quiet as he said, ‘I have a number of things to say to you, but I’ll ask you a question first and it is this, how d’you feel about me having Katie?’

  Bill’s eyes were narrow as he looked up at the tall, smart young fellow this ‘Bog’s End’ lad had grown into, and his answer was noncommittal: ‘What would you like me to say?’

  ‘Oh, Bill.’ No mister now. ‘Oh, Bill, that tells me nothing, not one way or another, and…and it is important to me how you feel about us; because you are important to me, always have been. Although verbally you have been Mr Bill, inside, like the others, I, too, thought of you as Dad. And tomorrow I’ll be leaving your protection and the security you and this house have given me, even before my dad died. It will never be in my power to repay you for what you have done for me. And now when, apparently, I’ve given you a bit of a surprise, if not a shock, by declaring that some day the girl you look upon as your own daughter has promised to marry me, it might seem to you that I’m repaying you badly for all you have done for me. But I hope it isn’t like that with you. I want to hear you say you’re glad and that, through Katie, I’m to remain in your family.’

  ‘Oh, well, that remains to be seen.’ Bill sat back in the chair. ‘Yes, by gum, it remains to be seen, for if you did decide to shack up together before marriage, there’d be no welcome in this family for you.’

  Sammy stared at this man, this man whom he considered big in all ways, generous to a fault, and, because of his dealings with men, he had imagined he’d be broad in his outlook too. Yet, within the last hour he had shown, to his surprise, two flaws in his make-up. First, he was so dominant and possessive that he wouldn’t allow his wife a career. Secondly, were he and Katie to break the moral code, he would be banned from this house.

  Part of him was so incensed that he dared to say, ‘What if it should happen that we both can’t hold out and should come together without shacking up, as you call it? You wouldn’t know a damn thing about it unless she became pregnant. And that can be easily dealt with. They’re selling preventatives in schools today because the kids are at it. Yet, here are we, two young people, being told what will happen to us if we do what is as common today as chewing gum.’

  When Bill sprang up from the chair, he almost knocked Sammy to one side, and stalking to the fireplace, he gripped the top of the high fireguard and actually shook it before turning about and growling, ‘My God! I’ve listened to everything now. To think that you, of all people, could stand there and talk like this to me. And you know something?’ He stabbed his finger towards Sammy. ‘I’ve put you before the others, except her.’ He nodded to where the child was still working at the table. ‘Yes, above the others. They are my stepchildren.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I know you did.’ Sammy’s voice was as rough as Bill’s now. ‘And I thought of you as a father, so I thought I could speak plainly, not as someone who owes you a great debt, and who, as I said, can never repay it but as someone, like a son, who would be free to speak his mind.’

  ‘Free to speak your mind!’ It was as if Bill had spat out the words. Then he added, ‘Every bloody one in the house is after speaking their mind. Apparently nobody needs me now; everybody’s going their own way, my wife included.’

  ‘All because she wants to take a course at the Open University.’

  ‘So she put you wise?’

  ‘No, not at first, not until you did, the way you took her suggestion and stalked out.’

  ‘Well, let me tell you, young man, what is betwee
n my wife and me remains between my wife and me, and I am not going to discuss it. And it’s none of your damn business or anybody else’s.’

  They stared at each other in hostility across the room. Jerking his head up out of his collar, Sammy marched towards the door. As he opened it, he turned and said, ‘It was in the papers the other day about a man finding a diamond. It was a huge one. It was intimated it would be worth millions, that is, until they found a flaw in it.’

  Bill’s hand went out to the wash-hand stand and grabbed a jug standing in a basin that was used for the child washing her hands, and the sound of the china splintering into myriad pieces against the closing door was almost matched by the child’s screams.

  As Sammy reached the top of the stairs, it was to see Katie and Fiona about to rush up them. He stayed them with a lift of his hand, and Katie cried, ‘What was that noise?’ Fiona appealed, ‘What’s the matter? What’s the matter?’

  ‘Oh, that noise that you heard was likely meant for my head. We had some plain speaking.’

  ‘Oh, Sammy! You and Bill? Oh, no!’

  ‘Yes, Mrs B, me and Bill. Impossible, isn’t it, when you think of it? Anyway, it’s a good job I had closed the door. But I asked for it.’

  ‘What did you say to him to make him do that?’

  ‘Oh, I just quoted a bit that I’d seen in the paper the other day.’

  He didn’t go on. And when Katie said, ‘What was it? Go on, tell me, what was it?’ He said, ‘Oh, I finished my say by telling him about the diamond that was supposed to be worth millions, but then they found it had a flaw.’

  Fiona’s mouth opened wide. When she did speak her voice was a whisper, ‘You didn’t liken him to that?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mrs B, but I did. Well, it all led up to that, Mrs B. You see, Katie and I were threatened with excommunication from the house should we come together before marriage, whether shacking up or not.’