by D. Kelly
“Sawyer!” she cries loudly, riding the wave of our mutual orgasm. The bedroom door flies open mid-release, and all I see is the hurt and rage in Noah’s eyes. He screams more expletives than I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth, and I say nothing. What can I say? His girlfriend is still milking my cock with her pussy, and I can’t deny he’s not seeing it.
When Noah storms out of the room, I throw my arm over my head as Darren and Wyatt call out to him in vain. My twin sense is on high alert, and before the bus abruptly stops, I already know Noah’s running. I would too if I were him, but as usual, he’s better than me. I probably would have punched him first.
“Well, that was awkward, but he’ll get over it eventually.”
Marilyn’s dismissive tone pisses me right the fuck off. “Are you kidding me? He just kicked the damn door in! You need to get dressed and get out.”
“Come on, baby, don’t be like that,” she whines.
“Don’t call me baby. What happened last night? How are we even here?”
“Noah broke up with me, remember?”
Do I? I remember them fighting, and I remember doing a lot of drugs.
“It’s hazy.”
“Well, he’ll just have to get over it, Sawyer. I’ve always loved you more, it was bound to happen. Noah’s nice, but he’s not … you.”
She bites her bottom lip, and her eyes glaze over. Looking at her makes me sick. Hopping up like someone lit a fire under my ass, I start throwing on my clothes.
“This isn’t happening. I don’t care if you broke up. You should’ve never dated him in the first place, and I should have never hidden our past from Noah. Fuck, Marilyn! He’s my goddamn twin! Noah is the only person who loves me, faults and all and you … we just killed that. He’s never going to forgive me!”
“You’re being overly dramatic.”
I can’t believe she’s blowing this off like it’s no big deal.
“And you’re being extremely indifferent about it. This might not be a big deal to you, but it’s everything to me.”
When I grab my phone from the nightstand, there’s already a text from Warren. I’m never going to hear the end of this from any of them, but at least he’s acting like a manager right now.
“Cab is outside, get your shit and go. You won’t be coming back.”
She shrugs. “It’s your loss.”
“I used to think so … not anymore.”
It doesn’t take Marilyn long to pack up and get out. She even does it silently and without any drama. It’s because she knows how bad we fucked up last night. Broken up or not, what we did was wrong.
“What the hell, Sawyer?” Darren yells when he gets back on the bus.
My head is pounding like crazy. I need a line of coke and a shot of whiskey.
“Dude, I know. Even though they broke up, it’s still no excuse.”
Darren and Wyatt exchange confused looks. Darren’s mouth falls open but Wyatt takes the lead. “Uh, Sawyer, who do you think broke up?”
“Noah and Marilyn.”
They both shake their heads and Darren fills me in. “That never happened. They were drinking and got into a fight, Marilyn came to you, and you guys got high as fuck. Noah was so pissed off he slept on the bus with Collateral Damage. When he finally came to set shit right, well … you, uh, know how it went from there.”
“No … this is not happening. She said they broke up. She said she loved me.”
It hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m a pathetic loser who fell straight into her trap.
“Sorry, man, she lied.” Wyatt’s remorseful tone matches his expression.
“Do you have any coke, Darren? Fuck, I need a drink.”
Instead of waiting for an answer, I make my way to the kitchen to get it myself. Warren is already there pouring all the bottles down the drain.
“What are you doing?!” I scream.
“What I should have done a long time ago. This has gone too far. You need rehab.”
“The hell I do. I just need something to take the edge off.”
Warren shakes his head and leads me back to the couch. “No, you need to sober up. Your band and your entire future are in the shitter right now because you were too high to realize you fucked over the most important person in your life.”
“The band is fine … everything will be fine.” I’m trying to convince myself most of all.
Wyatt snorts. “Keep telling yourself, that but your brother is long gone and heartbroken. If you think fixing this with Noah is going to be easy, you’re higher than I thought.”
“We just need to talk, we’ll work this out. We have to work this out.” The thought of losing Noah over some chick is enough to set off a torrent of tears.
Warren throws an arm around me and pulls me into a side hug. Darren sits on my other side and does the same. “We’ll quit together, Sawyer. We’re too old for this shit anyway. We’re not addicts, we’ve just been partying way too hard lately.”
“I’m down with getting the shit off the bus for a while. Anna doesn’t like it anyway,” Wyatt adds.
“Wyatt, can you call him? Get him to come back?” I’m begging, but I don’t care. My soul aches knowing I caused him pain. Somehow, I’ve got to make this right.
“He’s not answering. I’m sure he needs some time, Sawyer. He’s probably going home.”
Home where? To my parents’ house? To our place in Santa Monica? How did I fuck this up so badly?
I won’t let myself believe that. “We’re in the middle of a tour. He wouldn’t just disappear.”
They look at one another with the same troubled expression. They think I’ve lost my mind.
“Noah isn’t thinking clearly right now. I’m sure the last thing on his mind after what happened this morning is the tour. We’ll have to cancel a few shows and see if we can get him to come back. You had the next few days off anyway. Hopefully, this will settle down.”
Warren doesn’t sound convinced. With good reason too. Never in all his life has Noah shirked any responsibilities.
I’m beginning to feel frantic. “What happens if he won’t come back?”
With a heavy sigh, Warren leans back and crosses his leg over his knee. “The best outcome is that he does. If he refuses, you’ll all be in breach of contract. At that point, you try to negotiate with the label to either hire someone else, go on without him, or let them sue you and go on with your lives.”
“What if I leave? If Noah comes back, I’ll resign. It’s my fault, and I’m the one who deserves the consequences.”
Darren and Wyatt stare at me with shocked expressions, but Warren just shakes his head. “It could be a possibility, but I doubt it would fly. Each of you brings worth to the band, but you are the Bastard in Bastards and Dangerous, Sawyer. You’ve got the stage presence and the attitude to carry the band, Noah doesn’t, he’s just too damn nice.”
“Yeah, well, I apparently bring the bastard to all aspects of my life.”
“You said it,” Wyatt grumbles under his breath.
“Not fucking helping,” Darren bites back.
“Stop it, none of this is helping. What really happened last night, Sawyer? Maybe start at the beginning,” Warren prompts, encouraging an open dialogue.
“It started before last night,” I confess.
“Son of a bitch!” Wyatt yells.
“Not like that, we haven’t been having an affair. Look, here’s the truth … Marilyn played us all. The two of us have history. Ever since she started working at the bar, we’ve been hooking up when I was in town. I thought I was falling in love with her. We texted all the time, talked occasionally, and had great sex.”
Darren already knows this, but it’s news to Wyatt and Warren.
“Go on, Sawyer, let’s figure this out,” Warren says.
“She got mad at me the last time we were home because I wouldn’t invite her on tour with us. I had feelings for her and every
thing, but adding another person to this bus didn’t make sense. She was pissed and ended things. I honestly had no clue she’d been building a relationship with Noah behind my back the whole time. Two days later, when he asked if he could bring her along, I was stunned.”
Surprise fills Wyatt’s features. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Did you see how fucking happy Noah was? I wasn’t about to steal his sunshine. I was fuming inside, but I was also hurt. I knew it was at least partially my fault because I never told anyone except Darren and Diane about Marilyn, so how could I expect Noah to know?”
“And that’s why you were such an asshole to her all the time,” Warren muses.
“Yeah, pretty much. It only took me a second to figure out she’d been playing us both once she went straight to Noah.”
Wyatt glares at me. “But you still let him fall into her trap?”
“He was already there! Besides, I’m not a saint. Part of me was angry, and I figured he deserved what he got. Deep down I wondered if maybe he did know about us but didn’t care. Mostly, the part of me that knows him best just didn’t want him to deal with the same hurt I was going through.”
“You should have spoken up, Sawyer,” Wyatt says, still sticking up for Noah.
“I realize that now. Marilyn’s such a vindictive bitch she probably got off on the whole thing. Having all of Noah’s attention but still trying to get mine. Last night, when they fought on the bus, I felt bad for her. Noah had been a buzzkill all day, and it seemed like he just wanted to pick a fight with anyone he could.”
Wyatt huffs in frustration. “Damn, this is such a mess. Sawyer, Noah wasn’t being a buzzkill. Marilyn told him she wanted to party. He knew what party was code for and he wasn’t down for it. He’s over the drugs and alcohol. I shouldn’t even be saying anything, but it’s time we all talk this out. Noah was talking about leaving the band if we can’t get the drugs under control. He’s worried about you guys, and he doesn’t want to be a part of a world that could potentially steal his brother from him.”
Wyatt’s words sink into my already fragile mind, and they make me feel like utter and complete shit.
“I’m not an addict.”
He counters, “If you weren’t an addict, your hands wouldn’t be trembling because you haven’t had a fix in the last six hours. And you wouldn’t have been such a dick to your brother the past few weeks.”
Warren gives Wyatt a cautionary gaze before turning his attention to me. “No one is saying you’re an addict, Sawyer, but your continued drug and alcohol use is concerning. I’ve got a specialist on standby to help you and Darren get clean.”
“I’ve only been a dick to Noah because I didn’t know how he was still oblivious to Marilyn and me. She had to have mentioned it by now, and if not, she stares at me enough to tip him off. Hell, she’s still texting me a dozen times a day. Noah is smart, he should have figured out by now that he stole Marilyn away from me. But I still didn’t set out to intentionally hurt him last night … I’d never do that. And one more time for the record, I’m not—”
Warren cuts me off. “An addict. Yes, I’m fully aware. Regardless, you have a penchant to overindulge. It’s affecting your personal life, and you hurt the only person in the world you’d give your life never to hurt. So we need to implement some changes as soon as we find Noah. If you’re really not having addiction issues, there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Yeah, whatever. What about Noah? I need to get to him.”
Warren’s brow furrows. “Our bus is heading back to California now. Once we figure things out, we’ll meet back up with the rest of the tour. We’ll be home tomorrow. In the meantime, text him, leave him messages, email him, or whatever you need to do.”
“Noah didn’t know,” Wyatt whispers. “He’d never do that to you, Sawyer. I think Marilyn played the hell out of both of you.”
“I know she did. Last night proves it. This is exactly why I don’t do relationships or date. Women are fucked up. I’m going to get some sleep. Anyone care if I take the room?”
They all shake their heads, and I close the broken door as best I can. I’m not mad at them, just myself. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I text Noah.
My words don’t mean shit right now, I know, but I hope you’ll hear me out when you’re less angry. I can’t believe what I did to you, but I swear on everything, Noah, I didn’t know you were still together. I know it doesn’t make it right and I fucked up royally, but there’s more to the story. I’m so sorry. I love you.
Noah never texts me back, but I didn’t expect him to.
I’m standing outside our condo debating whether I should knock or use my key. It’s been a week since Noah left the tour, and he’s refusing to communicate with me. Our family is pissed, the strain between the guys and me has never been worse, and I feel like I’m dying inside. I’ve never gone more than a few hours without talking to Noah.
My keys slip around in my sweaty palms as I try to open the door. No one is going to do this for me. I have to make Noah hear me. Darren said he’s not doing well. They only got him to stop drinking two days ago. According to his text, Noah is here and thinks they went to the store.
The place looks clean enough now, but the way Wyatt described it a few days ago made me cringe. He said alcohol bottles were strewn all around. It’s hard to even imagine Noah going through something like that, especially alone. Even worse is knowing I’m the one who drove him to it.
The blinds are closed, and Noah is lying on the couch with his arm over his head. I toss my keys onto the counter, and he speaks without moving.
“Forget something?”
“Everything my parents and D.A.R.E. ever taught me about drugs and alcohol.”
A snort escapes him, and I can tell from the way his stomach moves he had to work hard to not let out a laugh.
“What are you doing here, Sawyer?”
“You know why I’m here. We need to talk.”
When Noah moves his arm away from his head and sits up, it’s hard to believe what I’m seeing. He looks like he’s lost ten pounds, and the bags under his eyes are so deep and dark it’s like someone punched him. My guilt has grown tenfold in the last sixty seconds, if that’s even possible.
“Say whatever it is you need to say so you can leave.”
I sit down on the table directly across from him so he has to look at me. “I have a lot to say, so this might take a while.”
“Great,” he groans. “Get on with it then.”
“I’m sorry, Noah. Not just for what happened with Marilyn but for everything. The drugs, the alcohol, the constant partying, all of it.”
“What about being a dick, fucking my girlfriend, breaking my heart? Are you sorry for all of that too?”
Noah’s tone is a mixture of sarcasm and anger, and I can’t ever remember a time he’s used it on me.
“All of that, and let’s not forget being a shitty brother, being the better-looking twin, blaming you for breaking Mom’s vase when we were six. Want me to keep going? I’m sure there are more shitty things I’ve done to you. I’m a bastard, but I’m going to change.”
“You’re not the better-looking twin,” he grumbles, trying to hold back a grin. “What the hell happened, Sawyer? Was she really worth our relationship? You could have talked to me and told me you had feelings for her.”
“Can I sit?” I ask, motioning to the seat next to him. Taking his shrug as a yes, I move from the table to the couch and face him.
“Have Darren and Wyatt told you anything about what happened?”
“Nah, I’m not even sure I was coherent enough to know my own name until yesterday. After they fed me and got me to shower, I crashed.”
“This is a long story, and I’ll answer anything you want me to, but Marilyn played us. I completely own up to what happened the other night. I was wrong, and even though I don’t remember any of it, I should have never put myself in a situatio
n where something like that could happen.”
“What do you mean you don’t remember?”
“Just that. I was wasted. The last thing I remember is you being pissed and fighting with Marilyn. I was already a few lines of coke down by then. I remember feeling bad for her as I was knocking back a shot of whiskey. When she asked if she could join us, I said sure. You seemed like you needed some space, and it’s not like she had anywhere else to go. After that, everything is pretty much a blank until a few minutes before you kicked the door in.”
Noah scrubs his eyes with his fists while taking a few steady breaths.
“I’m not sure which part of your story is more disturbing. That fact you were so messed up you don’t remember anything, or that you were so messed up you were able to betray the person closest to you and not even think twice.”
“I’m done, Noah. I know it doesn’t mean much now, but what happened was me hitting rock bottom. I will never let that happen again. Warren has someone who is going to work with Darren and me so we can kick the coke for good.”
“Why should I believe you?” Noah snaps angrily.
“You shouldn’t, but I’m going to prove it to you nonetheless. I’ve never felt the kind of self-loathing and pain as I did when I realized it was Marilyn in my bed. There’s nothing I can do to change what I did, and for that, I will forever be sorry.”
“You’re always sorry, Sawyer.”
His words sting more than I thought they would. “Yeah, I know, but I’ve never had to be sorry for something I did to you before. Not for a betrayal like this. The thing is … I have to ask you something. Did you know Marilyn and I were fucking before you brought her on tour?”
“What!? God, Sawyer, no! Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
It’s easy to see Noah is telling the truth. His reaction, his expression, makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit.
“Sawyer, you need to talk to me now. Why wouldn’t you tell me that?” Noah’s eyes fill with tears, but he blinks them back.
“Because I have issues. I tried not to love her, to fall for her, but there was something about her. The way she always texted me, the way she wanted to know how I was doing. I thought she cared until she broke things off two days before you invited her on tour with us.”
