by D. Kelly
Noah leans back and covers his face with his hands, muttering “no” again and again. When he finally looks back at me, his eyes are red, and he’s no longer holding back his tears.
“I can’t even believe I have to say this. Sawyer, I would never, ever, do something like that to you. We don’t do the whole swapping girls thing, we never have. It sucks we always seem to be attracted to the same women, but we’ve made it work in the past, and I hope we’ll always make it work. I’ve been angry and sad for days …” He pauses and stares at me with a blank expression.
When Noah speaks again, it’s in disbelief. “We’re best friends … twins, for fuck’s sake … how could you sit on something so important? You’ve sat back and wondered if I was betraying you for months. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I tell you everything, Sawyer. Every. Damn. Thing. What am I supposed to do with the knowledge that you don’t trust me enough to do the same? Fuck Marilyn, you’re the one breaking my heart.”
Ouch.
Noah’s pain is palpable, and his question is valid. I don’t have an excuse. I’ve been trying to figure it out for days, and the only thing I can come up with is glaringly obvious. My drug use has changed me, affecting aspects of my life I didn’t even realize. Noah has always been my safe space. Even if I run some things by Diane first, I know Noah will always have my back. I’ve never doubted him before, and I hate the fact I’ve created this huge chasm in our bond.
“But that’s just it, you don’t tell me everything. If you had, I would have known something was going on with you guys. I would have known she was hitting you up too. I’m not the only one who kept secrets, Noah. Mine just went deeper than yours. Tell me, how long had the two of you been talking or dating before you asked her on tour?”
With a reluctance unlike Noah, he finally answers, “A while, Sawyer. At least six months, if not longer. There were many times I mentioned texting her and you never said a word.”
“Why would I? Everyone was texting her, even Bethie. Marilyn is friends with us all. It would have been uncommon for us not to talk to her. Why didn’t you tell me you were dating?”
With a blank expression, he shakes his head. “I don’t know, maybe because I wasn’t sure exactly what we were to each other since it was all via text and phone. We hadn’t seen each other to cement anything in person. Why didn’t you?” Before letting me answer, he speaks again. “You must hate me, but if you had just said something, told me about the two of you when I invited her, you would have saved us both a lot of heartache.”
“You were happy. You know how I get … I’m not sure happy is in the cards for me, and I’m not ready to settle. For her, I was willing to try, but when Marilyn said it was all or nothing if she didn’t come on tour with us, it pissed me off. When she ended it, I told myself we were just fuck buddies anyway. Then you were a couple less than two days later. I was stuck. I thought you should know but decided it wasn’t worth it when I saw how happy you were. Then the longer it went on, the more it ate away at me, and I became bitter and resentful, and I let the drugs become my escape.”
Suddenly, he seems sympathetic toward me. “I didn’t have sex with her before she came with us. You should know that. I wasn’t fucking her before the bus.”
“And I wasn’t fucking her after, until that night or that morning. I don’t know if I had sex with her the night we got on the bus. I’d assume … but it wasn’t until she’d already given me head, put the condom on, and slid down on me that I looked up and saw her. If I’d seen her before, there’s no way. Sorry if that’s TMI.”
“I’m so confused,” he admits wearily. “She never asked for money or gifts, so why play us like that? She hasn’t tried to reach out to me at all.”
“Me either, not that I would take her calls.”
“So why?”
At times like these, I feel bad for Noah. He’s got this purely good heart and soul; the thought of anyone doing something to fuck with people doesn’t compute to him.
“A power trip, I guess. Bragging rights maybe? She can say she played us both, fucked us both, and nearly killed our relationship. She’s one of those women who needs control and will do anything to get it.”
We sit silently for a few moments as Noah lets all this sink in. It’s a lot to handle, but at least he’s sober. I had to do it coming down, and it was a wicked bitch. Eventually, he surprises the hell out of me by pulling me to him and hugging me hard.
“Can we ever get past this?” I’ve never heard fear in his voice like I’m hearing now, but I understand the feeling all too well.
“If you can ever forgive me, I hope so.”
Noah clutches me tighter. “Forgive you? I stole your girl, Sawyer. How can you forgive me?”
“I can’t hold something against you that you didn’t know. I should have said something, and I will next time. Girls are only going to continue to try getting between us. We have to be more transparent with each other. If you start dating, you have to tell me, and the same goes for me. I never want to risk going through this again. I’ve been off kilter since you left the tour.”
Finally releasing me, he cracks a small grin. “Me too. It felt like something was wrong with me the entire time. I always know when you’re hurting, but this went beyond anything I’ve ever felt.”
“Because we were both hurting.”
His green eyes meet my matching set. “So are you really getting sober?”
“Hell yeah. I’m not giving up alcohol, but I’m done with drugs. I’m not an addict. I’m not withdrawing or anything, but a line of coke sounds good. I want to get to a place where it doesn’t. Where I’m not tempted. Where I can easily say no. And if I just remember your face when you caught us together, I don’t think I’ll ever have an issue saying no again.”
“I’m glad. I’d never want to go through that again, but I would if it meant getting you sober. I’ve missed you this past year, more than you know. The partying and the drugs, it’s just too much for me.”
After kicking my feet up on the table, I lean back on the couch. “Wyatt said you want to quit the band. Is that true?”
“Yes and no. I love the band, and touring with you guys is one of the best experiences of my life. Getting to do this with you is the icing on the cake. But I don’t love the partying, the drugs, the mood swings, the constant women in and out of the bus, and neither does Wyatt. Imagine how Anna feels, Sawyer. Knowing you and Darren are constantly traipsing in women in such close quarters. She’s not stupid. She knows Wyatt can catch a show if he wants to. Or even join in. She’s your best friend, and you haven’t considered how this makes her feel, have you?”
“I’ve been pretty fucking selfish.”
“Nah, you’ve just been riding high on the endorphins of success. I’ve heard it happens to all the best people.”
“It didn’t happen to you,” I point out.
“I made a conscious effort for it not to. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have fun. You most definitely should, but do it in moderation and without the drugs. I don’t want to lose my twenty-one-year-old brother to an O.D., and if I did, I’d never forgive myself. I want to leave the tour because I can’t bear witness to something I can’t stop.”
Exhaling, I run my fingers through my hair. “We have to be better at this shit, Noah. No matter how hard the topic is, we have to talk about it. You’re the one person in the world I can’t live without.”
“Agreed.”
“Are you coming back to the tour?”
He flashes a bright smile. “Hell yeah. Brothers before bitches … always.”
“God, she really was a bitch, wasn’t she?”
He laughs and nods. “She was, but it was attractive in an odd way. The sex was good.”
“Yeah, the sex was great.”
The uncomfortable vibe in the room is back before Noah snorts and then laughs. “This is why we don’t date the same girls. Talking about sex is one thing, but bein
g able to compare sex with the same woman is an uncomfortable level of weird, isn’t it?”
“With you … yeah, because you’re my twin. With Darren, not so much.”
“I don’t even want to know.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “No, you definitely don’t.”
Find Your Cadence – One Year Before The Illusion Tour
“Guys, she’s up next!”
Darren’s excitement is contagious. We’re exhausted after performing earlier tonight, but we had to stop by Sully’s before leaving Utah. I managed to sweet talk the waitress into bumping us up to the top of the list so we could sing right away.
When we finished, I let her blow me in the bathroom as a thank you. I even let her take a selfie of us under the condition I could hold onto her phone until we leave. She was more than willing. I’m flipping through her pictures as we wait for Rhymin’ Rieanne to take the stage.
This chick takes sexting to a whole new level, and I’d love to forward some of these pics to my phone, but then she’d have my number, and that won’t do. No one gets my number, ever.
“Stop being a perve, Sawyer, and put her phone away,” Noah chastises.
“She’s fucking hot, and I want to see the picture we took. Besides, she’d probably get off at me looking at her. Fuck, check out her rack.” Noah diverts his attention back to the stage, and Wyatt shakes his head, but Darren looks over my shoulder with enthusiasm.
“Damn, maybe I should hit that before we leave.”
Darren doesn’t need my encouragement, but I give it anyway. “Do it. She can deep throat as well as some of those porn girls.”
He looks at me with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Down for a double tag?”
“Nah, she’s all yours. I’m tired as fuck.”
Speak of the devil, she brings our next round, and Darren pounces. “I hear Sawyer confiscated your phone.”
She licks her lips and nods.
“Want me to bring it back to you tonight? What time do you get off?”
“I’m off now but decided to stay until I get my phone back. Want to drive me home and join me for an orgasm?”
This girl is like the male version of us. It’s hot.
“The bus is leaving at three in the morning, Darren,” Noah reminds him. It’s after twelve now, that’s plenty of time.
Darren easily goes with the flow. “Change of plans, gorgeous. How would you like to come back to my bus with me? I’ll have a car ready to take you back to your place before we take off.”
Her eyes light up, and she leans down to kiss him. Their kiss progresses fast, and within seconds they’re devouring each other at the table. The music changes and Darren backs off. “Go get your stuff, we’re leaving after this song.”
She dutifully sashays away, and Wyatt groans. “Dude, you know she just had Sawyer’s dick down her throat a few minutes ago, right?”
Darren chuckles. “Like that’s ever bothered me before.” He fist bumps me, and he and Noah shake their heads at our laughter.
“Oh my God, look at her song title,” Noah says between a laugh and a groan.
The monitor says “If I Were a Penis” and out comes our little sexually inappropriate trailblazer. Rhymin’ Rieanne looks like a more petite version of Velma from Scooby Doo. I’m seriously not sure if she’s even twenty-one, but she has to be if she’s in here. If she didn’t look so young, I would have already fucked her for the novelty alone. Someone who comes up with the shit she does and has no qualms doing it in front of a crowd has to be a sexual deviant in the bedroom.
Our eyes are all locked on the stage. She’s looking down at her feet and whispers, “This is a Rhymin’ Rieanne original. ‘If I Were a Penis.’”
When she begins beatboxing low in her throat, I know we’re in for some fun. This girl intrigues the fuck out of me, and if we’re ever in this town long enough, I hope one day to talk to her and find out what her deal is.
If I were a penis
I’d want to find a home
Somewhere warm and safe
Where I could shoot my load
If I were a penis
I’d wake up nice and hard
My head might be dark-purple
But please don’t be alarmed
If I were a penis
I’d want you to take a lick
Nothing would be nicer
Than your mouth around my tip
If I were a penis
I’d need you to suck, suck
So when I come, deep down your throat
There’s nothing to clean up
If I were a penis
I’d like to feel your hand
With lube or spit to make it slick
You’d make me come like BAM!
But if I were a penis
I’d often want to roam
I’d need to try
A lot of twat
Until I find my home
Alas, I’m not a penis
Because I’m not a man
So I’ll have to wait
Until mine comes
And says
Hey! You’re my Vag!
Her eyes dart away from the crowd and land back down on her feet. She whispers “Thank you” into the mic before leaving the stage. The whole room breaks out in applause and whistles.
She’s greeted by a little Poindexter guy when she leaves the stage. He pulls her close and hugs her, and it makes me smile. I bet the two of them have freaky fucking sex, but if they’re lucky, they also have a good relationship.
“That was the shit, you guys. Where does she come up with this stuff?”
Darren took the words right out of my mouth. “Shit, I don’t know, but I swear we should get Warren to put her on our payroll. She’d be the best opening act ever.”
Darren fist bumps me in agreement with my idea.
“She’s definitely creative,” Noah agrees
“I bet she’s like this secret dominatrix or something,” Wyatt tosses out, making us all laugh. I’m not gonna lie, that could be kind of hot.
Yawning, I cover my mouth and push back my chair. Mac nods to me from the corner understanding I’m ready to go. “I’m wiped, guys.”
“Me too,” Noah adds, standing up.
Wyatt is standing too. “This shit isn’t as easy as it was when we were twenty. Especially when you go all rogue and throw everything you have into it, Sawyer.”
Shrugging, I reply, “Not my fault you’re getting old. It might be a little bit more tiring, but it’s still fun. Besides, the fans eat it up, and they’re the whole reason we’re even touring. The next tour will be mellow with our new acoustical stuff coming out.”
As we reach the door, Darren and the waitress catch up to us. Darren has more energy than all of us put together. He always has, and it’s a good thing, too, since he’s our drummer. He has to have high energy to work the sticks the way he does. Darren has a raw, natural talent, and it shines in every show. I’ve got no doubt he’ll still be drumming away long after the rest of us decide to call it quits.
As I sip on my morning coffee, I’m still chuckling to myself about Rieanne’s performance last night. I’m exhausted, but Rieanne’s performance never disappoints. She makes the trip worth it every time.
We’ve been on the road about a month now. Utah was one of our first stops this time, and hopefully, after seeing Rieanne last night, it will breathe a little life into the band. Maybe we’re still finding our groove, but everyone seems much more mellow than normal this time around. The Find Your Cadence tour is our biggest tour yet—everyone should be happy. Most days it’s still hard to believe how much our band has blown up in the last eight years.
Our new album is kicking ass, with each song topping the charts as soon as it’s released. It’s a far cry from the demos we used to hope would catch on. We’ve come so far, so fast and there’s never a dull moment. The money is phenomenal, and our buses are s
tate of the art, luxury on wheels—they’re a far cry from the shared buses we used to have.
Even without the money, this is all I’d want to do with my life. Traveling with my brothers and being creative is the only thing that’s ever made sense. The closer we get to Wyatt and Anna’s wedding, though, the dark clouds begin hovering in my mind.
I’m terrified he’ll want to quit, to stop touring and give it all up for a domesticated life. He says he won’t, but I know Wyatt, and even more, I know my Bethie, and she’s going to want a life with her husband home by her side. More importantly, she deserves it.
The snow-covered ground glistens outside the bus window as we drive to our next gig. I love seeing the world in all its different seasons—the blooming flowers, autumn leaves, and my favorite of all is when we’re able to coincide our tours with the northern lights. It’s a magical beauty that makes me appreciate being a small part of such a large universe. They even make me give pause to Noah’s theory of fate, although I’d never admit that to him. Sometimes I think he got all the optimism and I got all the pessimism. Or maybe I’m just jaded from the shit I’ve seen in my life that Noah has fortunately been spared from experiencing. It’s cool, though, seeing the world through Noah’s eyes is an incredible thing at times.
“Morning,” Noah grumbles as he pulls a bottle of water from the fridge.
“You’re up early,”
Noah wipes the sleep from his eyes and takes the seat next to me. “I never really slept, mostly tossed and turned all night.”
My twintuition is screaming at me in a way it hasn’t since all that shit went down with Marilyn. After taking a long pull of my coffee, I turn my attention to him.
“Say it. Whatever is bothering you, whatever is keeping you awake, spill it so we can figure out how to fix it. What’s wrong?”
He blows out a long exhale and drops his head into his hands. When he looks back up at me, his eyes are glassy.
“Come on, Noah, you’re freaking me out. Are you okay?”
