Andre. Right?”
AFTER THE BALL GAME, I REALIZE
Kiyana & me got a lot in common:
We talk sports
Being the only girl around boys
(Andre is her twin brother & they’re the youngest of five)
But she doesn’t play ball, she’s an artist
She talks about painting with the same intensity
As I play ball.
Her Basquiat shirt is faded & torn at the neckline
She has an oversized faded bomber jacket with
A Raiders crest on the sleeve
Tyrone walks up & rolls his eyes at me
Tries to get her attention with “Hey, Kiyana,
When you gonna call me?”
She turns her head away from him
& eyes the exit sign, not mean
But not interested
“Never, Tyrone.”
I like her style.
BASKETBALL DRILLS #3
both hands grip the orange world
ridges in black talk back to my fingertips
I try to worry about my aim
But all I can think about is what I got & what I lost
Clifton
Lay Li
Clifton
Lay Li
Clifton
Lay Li
Clifton Clifton Lay Li
Clifton Clifton Clifton
Lay Li
Clifton
Clifton?
CLIFTON & I FALL OFF
First, he’s upset that I talk to Kiyana during the game
Then he’s upset that I don’t want to hang out at the all-night
diner when he knows I got curfew
Then he’s upset because he asked me to skip playing ball
& I pretended like I ain’t hear him
& now a week later & neither of us call each other.
It’s been a month of us hanging out & I’m already overwhelmed with
whatever this is
There are still days I miss Lay Li
But it’s less & less
At first my chest is on fire
The same way I feel after doing a bunch of burpees
It’s like your world is shaking loose & your knees
Are shaking & you drop to the ground & think
“I’ll just stay here for a while”
But no. You got to jump up
Hop on both sets of your feet
Ignore the burn
Ignore the knee ache
Reach your hands to the sky
Up
Arms reaching above your head
Up & jump
The elation you feel when you can breathe again
The burn that simmers & is just a warmth when
It’s all over
That’s how I feel about Lay Li
Especially now, when I hang out with Kiyana
At first, I worry about if I’m funny enough
Then I worry about if I talk too much/not enough
It’s hard being friends with people
When you are still figuring out who you are
But Kiyana is super chill
She wears her brother’s hoodies
& the same pair of worn black & white Chuck Taylors
She’s pretty, but doesn’t seem to care about how it affects
The boys who stutter when they see her
After I play pickup with Tyrone & the others
Kiyana walks to the entrance gate & waits for me to finish
We walk back to my house so I can change before
We head to the community center
I don’t go to the pool as much
Because Kiyana can’t swim
We settle on going to the mall
for the second time in a week
Kiyana said “This is boring.
People just come here to look
at other people & talk smack.
Let’s go to the center in Meadowview.”
The center is in a part of town
that I don’t normally go to.
It’s hard to get there because
it’s between my usual bus stops.
Kiyana shows up in her usual outfit
Faded gray hoodie, oversized & red lipstick hastily applied
It’s smeared on her mouth
like she rubbed her back hand against it,
I hand her a napkin, run into the
bathroom for a quick shower
When I come out I realize Essa just walked in
Before I realize I am really hurrying to get dressed
& get out of the house before Essa can ruin my day
Or even worse, ruin my almost friendship
Out the room & up the hallway I move like a hurricane waiting
“Hey,” I say. & look at Kiyana like let’s get outta here.
Essa just stares at us then shrugs as Kiyana jumps up
& walks to the front door
Her eyes down down down
A block away her energy lifts in a beat
We walk past a dance studio
Where the pep squad girls for the city rehearse
All different ages of girls in sweats & bare feet
Dance at their reflection in the mirror
My beat lifts & I walk to watch them closer
Some girls snicker at us when we walk to the window
I look at Kiyana & I realize her lipstick is still smeared
My eyes are slit black beams
Ready to swing
The snickers turn to sucked teeth
Then silence.
“Kiyana, your lipstick.” I point.
& just like Kiyana, she uses the sleeve of her hoodie.
“You okay?” I ask
& she inhales deep
All the oxygen must’ve filled her lungs
Cause she sigh in response
“Girl. Your sister is mean.”
I just look at her.
Then I laugh.
I laugh so loud we have to move away from the window
I laugh until I hiccup
I laugh until my laughter got a laugh of its own
My face hurts from laughing so much
We are near the stop walk sign & I laugh
Kiyana first concerned, looks at me like I’ve lost my mind
Then she laughs too
& we fall into each other giggling
& we walk away towards the center
The jokes writing themselves
In the way we know the joke
Before we ever heard the punch line.
AT THE PURNELL COMMUNITY CENTER
Our laughter sprawls like a b-boy spin
it’s all spiral top
it’s all sky fall
it’s all gulping gulping gone, like a kitchen sink
finally free
I’m all silence
Then deep breath
& for the first time I just breathe & feel
The pat pat of my chest.
A friend is someone seeing you & hearing you
without you having to say everything
Every time
& in this moment
I realize I ain’t never had anyone to say what my heart knows
I say “Girl, you don’t even know! My sister is the meanest person I know!”
Kiyana opens the door to the game room & a bunch of wails
spill out the opened doors. There are kids everywhere
Books everywhere
Cr
ayons & construction paper everywhere
“She said my lipstick was ugly. Just like that.”
Kiyana snaps her fingers—“Not ‘hey who are you?’ Nada. Just something about how she didn’t like my lipstick.”
“I’m sorry,” I start.
“No. It’s okay. She seems really sad.
My brothers stay dating girls like her.
The kind of girl that needs others to be sad, so she feels better
about herself. But you’re cool. You two are nothing alike.”
YOU TWO ARE NOTHING ALIKE
Nothing alike
No thing is alike
No thing is likely
I am flipping her sentence around in my head
Again & again like I’m known to do when focusing
On shooting the ball
Essa & I are nothing alike
Nothing alike
“Hey,” Kiyana calls. She waves her fingers
In the air like a bouquet of ribbons.
“You okay?” she asks, her eyebrows deep creases of
concern. I smile, like it’s nothing (no thing, no)
& point to the area where there is
a photo background setup.
“Let’s take a photo,” I say instead of “I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know if I’m okay. I don’t know. I don’t know.
But I’ll figure it out.”
SELFIES BE LIKE
A couple of clicks, No
Find your angle, Oh
Find your light, No
Do not put the light behind you
It makes you darker than you really are
A couple of clicks in this position, light behind the camera
Smize, pretend no one is watching
Smirk, pretend you are a model
Smile, pretend you got all the light you need
Okay, now use flash
Now use the filter
Yes. Vivid that bih
Yasssssss. Calm yourself with each click
Become someone more fly
Channel your inner Iman, Beyoncé, Eva, Naomi
Don’t worry about who stares
you are becoming you are becoming you are you are you look like an angel
look how far you’ve come
KIYANA CALLS ONE OF THEM KIDS
To come & take a photo of us both
I move my body to the front of the set
Crouch down in the front
Kiyana say “Look up.”
We pose with our hands in prayer mode & we laugh
I move to the right side
Kiyana moves to the left
Green background behind us
& we pull out the peace sign
I do it to balance my bravery
“Use the flash?” the young photographer asks
We nod & both stare at the lens
Eyes unblinking
Red lips full.
Even after the bulbs flash
Dark circles swim across the room.
AFTER WE LEAVE
The community center
Everything feels different
The air feels different
The sky feels open
I walk with Kiyana & her brother Dre
He showed up to walk us home from the bus stop
He’s not so bad, I think, looking at his profile
Against the streetlight’s glow
We cracking jokes & I almost forget how
quiet he be when Tyrone get to talking smack
But we can’t all be heroes
I mean, even I forgot I ain’t a mouse when everything
starts moving fast & arguments get loud
The only time I know I’m my own person is on the court
When I can see the game for what it is
When I know I can sit the bench & rep for my team if I can’t
Keep up my pace
When I finally walk in the house, I see a note
From my mama saying dinner is on the stove
She’s out with friends at the bowling alley
The phone rings & I think it’s Mama checking to make sure
I made it in the house
But it’s not her
It’s Lay Li
& anyone eavesdropping
can hear my smile fall
When her voice crawls from the receiver.
Lay Li says “We gotta talk.
Come outside.”
& before I know it
the phone is on the cradle
echoing gone through the small three-bedroom house
the screen door slams shut as I race
to my ex-bestie.
ON THE CORNER
under a pair of streetlights
Lay Li waits under the street lamp
against the backdrop of the blue black sky.
She leans back on the steel pole
she is dipped
wearing a fluffy pink sweatshirt
with a Strawberry Shortcake cartoon embroidery
where her heart would be.
Lay Li looks pale
ghost ghost pale
Her hands stuffed in the front pocket like
her nerves won’t let her do much else.
“Hey,” she greets me, eyes puffy
from crying or no sleep? I think.
It’s been weeks & I realize
I don’t care. I don’t care anymore.
BECAUSE I AIN’T DIPPED
I’m wearing last summer league’s
basketball shorts & a pair of old Nike Cortez
But I ain’t dipped
I don’t look like Lay Li & the girls from Fashion Club
usually do, effortless
Nah, I look like me
& I like me
I immediately stand up straighter
like an inch can make me more memorable or more beautiful
I’d settle for just being more like me.
LAY LI DOESN’T NOTICE MY SHORTS
Or maybe she just doesn’t care
usually she’d say: “What are you wearing?”
or
“You’d look so nice in a pair of cutoff jeans”
but today nothing
she stands under the light wringing
her hands like a dishrag.
“Hey.” I nod my head
like I do when I want to play ball
or walk through the doorframe first
or get on the bus next
or when a bunch of boys block the way.
I nod like I’m on defense.
I am defensive
I don’t want to be but the way my patience is set up
The way my anxiety is set up
The way I want to fall to the ground &
Hug my stomach from all the knots
This nod will have to do.
LAY LI OPENS HER MOUTH & A STORY I AIN’T NEVER WANT TO HEAR
Rushes out like a broken faucet.
She says:
Clifton tried to kiss her
& my chest fills with so much air
I think I could fill up a dozen balloons
& the knot in my gut loosens
Like when I’m on the court & the three is mines
I don’t even watch it swish
I’m downcourt already
I already know the score.
He tried to kiss her
behind the bleachers
The same day him & I walked in the gym
I was more worried about why she ain’t talk to me
&n
bsp; I barely noticed when he left me in search of the bathroom
So how would I know
he saw her & pulled her behind the bleachers
How would I know
they knew each other from before
How would I know Lay Li
figured today, of all days, was the best
day to tell me everything.
Before things get too
out of hand.
THE THING ABOUT THE TRUTH
is it never really surprises you
So, when Lay Li reveals what a part of me
always knew deep down in my gut
it hurts, yeah, it stings like a mugg
but what hurts more
is she waited so long.
I say: “It’s been two months
& you watched me walk around
with him. It’s been months
& you haven’t called me back.
You saw me with him
& ain’t had nothing to say?
How can you play me
when I’ve always had your back?
You must think I’m dumb
I was willing to fight for you just because you ask
But you were quick to let everyone make fun of me,
now you are here with this story about Clifton?
I don’t care about him.
& I don’t care about you.
You more concerned with what Shawn knows
& where Curtis is
than how you ain’t never really been a good friend
You were like my sister
& that’s why I let you walk all over me.
But I get it now, you’re not my family.”
Lay Li’s eyes almost rolled out her head
She didn’t wipe her face, just tucked her lip in
“The only reason I’m telling you is because
I know I owed you more. It wasn’t right to
keep that from you. But you looked so happy.
Chlorine Sky Page 6
