I didn’t want to hurt you that bad. Sure, it was
funny at first. To watch you sulk because I wasn’t
answering your calls. But I had to deal with me
& Shawn. & that don’t even matter no more.
I would never intentionally hurt you like that.”
I want to stop myself from crying
I want to stop myself
But she puts a hand on my shoulder & says
“I’m truly sorry.”
& the levee breaks.
I SHOULD’VE KNOWN
Clifton was a mess
but I ain’t think he was a creep.
We met at the mall
We met by the pretzel stand.
He said “Hey, Brown Sugar”
or something cheesy
& I thought he was talking to the cinnamon-covered pretzels.
We laughed.
So, when we started hanging out
I was excited someone could see my face
without Lay Li telling them to look.
Clifton looked at me
I ain’t realize how important it was
until I finally felt it for myself.
But it seems Clifton looked at everybody.
It hit me
like that big ass boat & the iceberg.
I thought I could control the tears
& all the memories that come with them.
But the echoes keep me up long after
I leave Lay Li on the corner & jog back home.
I fall onto the couch, breathless
It’s like I can’t catch my breath.
Not even if I had a baseball mitt.
I look at the ceiling
Dancing with darkness & light beams as cars pass by
I look at the moving spots & think of how I used to move towards the darkest corners too.
I was used to Lay Li being the center of attraction
Shoot, I helped her be in the center
My eyes on the ceiling but in my head the picture rolls:
Clifton knew Lay Li already
Lay Li already knew Clifton
In my head the picture goes:
That’s why she ain’t speak when we walked into the gym
That’s why she ain’t speak.
On the corner, I looked into Lay Li face
I mean, really looked at her
& it’s the first time I’ve seen her cry & not
worry about how do I make it better.
I don’t want to see her sad.
But I don’t want to go back to my job of picking up the pieces around her feet.
This time: her perfect makeup streaks into two rivers of black
& her perfect lipstick is
smeared into pale strips of pink
across her cheek
& on the back of her hand.
She reaches to move her bangs out her face
& a footprint of pink is left on her forehead too.
HER EYES THEN FIXED
on the cold black ground
unmoving under our feet.
Still the air is hot
like a balloon ride to nowhere
& Lay Li can’t look at me.
Cousin Inga says never trust a person
that can’t look me in the eyes
& I want to believe it’s that easy.
But what if someone can’t look at you
because they heart is broken too?
Or what if someone can’t look at you
because they can’t face the truth?
Or what if someone can’t look at you
because it’s hard to stand up for the right thing?
Everybody wants to be a hero, but most of us
are just misunderstood villains.
It’s like Lay Li can hear me arguing with my blood.
She lifts her eyes
Sad & brown.
This time she doesn’t look away.
She just exhales loud & slow
Like she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop
& that’s when I know the difference between the truth
& a lie.
LIKE THE TIME
Ronique told that lie about not liking Russ
like the time Serenity told that lie about not liking Ronique
like the time Inga said she ain’t watch them hit that girl at the bus stop
like the time I walked a different way so I could talk to Justin
like the time I walked a different way so I could talk to Irving
like the time Raymond said he didn’t know I was afraid of snakes
like the time Lay Li’s father came home early & she said she was alone asleep
like the time Mama said Daddy would be home soon
like the time the politicians said they would fix the softball field
like the time the superintendent said they would remove the metal detectors
like the time the nurse said it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay —just breathe
like the time we had to learn how to hide our bodies between bookcases in the dark during the school intruder drill
like the time Uncle Lenny punched Russ square in the chest
like the time Russ said it didn’t hurt
like the time Russ said he ain’t even cry
like the time we told Mama nothing happened
like the time I said I didn’t find the ashtray under Essa’s bed
like the time I said I wasn’t drinking beer
like the time I said I wasn’t smoking
like the time I said I wasn’t exactly who I am.
LAY LI’S HANDS SPEAK A LANGUAGE TOO
with both palms moving as she tells me the story
right hand & left hand
swinging on each side of her body.
they are comma
comma
exclamation point
comma
exclamation
dash
ellipses…
He tried to kiss me
He tried to kiss me
He tried to kiss me
I know you like him
I didn’t want it
I didn’t want it
I didn’t
He tried to kiss me
He said he heard about me
He tried to kiss me
He pushed me in the corner
beneath the bleachers
I couldn’t move
He tried to kiss me
His hands were so big
His eyes were so dark
He said no one would believe me.
& so
He kissed me
All hot & pushy
His tongue was too wet
I didn’t want it
I didn’t want him
His hands grabbed my sweatshirt
Gripped it like a bat
Gripped it like I betta not
move
He wouldn’t stop
I couldn’t make him
stop
I’m so sorry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
IT’S FINALLY SATURDAY
& I barely make it through the week
The heat wave has crawled up the Valley hills
& put its feet up
That means it’s going to be here awhile
In California, the weather will match your temper
if you ain’t careful
Today
It’s too hot to think
& I ain’t got time to teach the boys to mi
nd they hands
Who else gets to walk around with their putting they hands
on things that don’t belong to them?
I JUST WANT TO HOOP
I want to do something that ain’t got nothing to do with
being a girl.
I want to do something that don’t give folks a right to tell me
To sit quiet
Or be still
Or play small
I don’t want to play small.
I think of Lay Li
How mighty her mouth is
How she walks in & the room go silent
How she is like a boss.
But now I realize she ain’t the boss.
Now I realize it’s all a trick
Now I realize being a girl is heavy business.
It’s like a basketball game with no referee
Just two teams & everybody play by they own rules
People only care about winning
You have to mind the ball or the gravity
But people only care about winning
They don’t care who they take from
They don’t care about how foul they be
So you pivot & protect
yourself
Until something or someone else comes for you
& they foul & double dribble & challenge you like a bully
But when you do it back—they call you a bad sport.
AIN’T NO MORE PLAYING SMALL
Ain’t no more being still
Ain’t no more being quiet
Ain’t no more time for all of that
I want to do something that don’t tell folks
They have a right to tell me who I am.
I won’t be treated differently because I’m a girl
& today everything changes.
TYRONE SEES ME FIRST
His anger wants to be hotter than the sun
But his balls & his stomach know better.
Kiyana is by the blacktop talking to Dre
when I walk up
She can tell something is up
“Meet up later?” she asks, walking away
“Cool,” I say.
Tyrone sneers
“You betta not come talking mess.”
I sneer back
“We playing ball or what?”
TODAY ON THE COURT
I put all my energy into dribbling clean
I put all my energy into passing the ball
Dre & I against the world.
Today
The world is Tyrone & some lowerclassmen with height
Who smell bad.
I try not to think about what Lay Li told me
I try not to think how I went looking for Clifton
Ready to fight.
I try to focus on dribbling clean
I try to focus on anything but the dull pain in my chest
I try to focus on my feet not being stuck to the concrete.
I raise my hands with the ball lifted off the ground
peep Dre’s position & pass him the rock.
ABOUT FRIDAY NIGHT
I found Clifton at the mall on Friday, right?
& he laughing with his friends, not a care in the world
He pretend he ain’t see me & Lay Li.
He act like everything is sugar sweet dumpling molasses
“Hey, babe.” He slithered towards me
Before he recognized Lay Li tearstained face was walking
with me
Before he could see Lay Li face was set in stone
Clifton looked past her & right at me
“I don’t know what she said but…”
I didn’t even let him finish.
I grabbed his large cup of soda & spilled it everywhere.
Some of the fruit-punch red landed on his beloved kicks.
Lay Li grabbed the pretzels & tossed them in the air
Like flower petals or rice at a wedding.
The expensive pretzel bites & cheese salted bread
fell in a gooey mess on his red & white sweatshirt
& lie in front of his feet.
His frown took over his whole face
His friends laughed & clapped hands behind him
“Broooooooo” is all we heard as we walked toward the exit.
The security guard didn’t even look at us twice.
We headed out the door into the night’s darkening blue.
“Thank you for believing me,”
Lay Li said.
I couldn’t say a word
My throat was too constricted with all the tears
& words I wanted to say
I couldn’t do anything but nod
as we climbed the stairs of bus 62 in silence
grabbing a seat on opposite sides for our last
bus ride home.
AFTER A PICKUP GAME
The walk used to feel like a desert stretched far away
from home.
It’s how I always ended up at Lay Li’s house.
Ten blocks home & I could walk into my own house
& argue with Essa.
But who wants to do that every week?
Not me.
Just a couple of blocks to Lay Li’s I could find a seat
& some peace from all the noise.
Today, I walk home even though I’m tired
Even though Lay Li & I have squashed our differences.
I just need time to think to myself
Kiyana is waiting for me in front of the pool
Usually, I’m down to jump in & let the water wash
everything again
Today, I’m crowded with all my own thinking
I don’t want to swim
I don’t want to talk
I just want to sleep it off.
Kiyana shakes her head. “You don’t look so good. What happened?
Maybe you should go home & rest.”
I just need time to think
Without the voice-mail light blinking from Clifton’s ignored calls.
I just need time to myself
& I don’t want to think on the doubts that wait patiently for me
Like outfits that stare back from my closet laughing
at who I think I am.
I just need time to think
but not about Tyrone
who said I thought I was better than boys
& needed to be put in my place
I just need time to think
but I don’t want to think about
Tyrone who promised
to put me in my place
with the help of his cousin,
Clifton
Tyrone & Clifton think they can shame me
& make me feel small.
I just need time to think
but not about Lay Li & Shawn & Curtis
or how after she saw me mistreated
she look more & more like my sister,
Essa, or how after all that I still wanted
to protect her. Because I know what it’s
like to be alone. Really alone.
I look at Kiyana, who hasn’t moved
or said a word. She just listens, her
eyes watering—I must look crazy.
She can’t be crying for me…
“I feel like I can’t breathe,” I say & choke back tears,
but it sounds like I feel like I can’t be.
THE NEXT MORNING
I woke with my eyes swollen
& still red.
My room had pictures of my heroes on the wall
Oppos
ite my bed
Method Man & Missy Elliott
Serena Williams & LeBron James
Lisa Leslie & Steph Curry
Misty Copeland & Drake
Side by side they sat
My guardian angels.
I keep Fannie Lou Hamer
& Oprah & Cardi B on my door
So when I walk out
I would carry the swag of Cardi
the fight of Fannie Lou
& the boss attitude of Oprah.
But this morning
Even my angels can’t get me hype
Basketball shorts in hand
& my old summer camp tee slung over
My sports bra.
I run to the bathroom
Brush my teeth
& move to the front door
Essa is in the kitchen
She say “You want some?”
& points to the pan of scrambled eggs with cheese.
This is not normal
But last night something clicked in us both.
As soon as I walked in the door
She started her usual tactics
Talking smack
Talking fast
“Why you look like that?!
You need to act like
You got a home walking in all
Like a disaster.”
Usually this starts the war
But my head hurts & my feelings hurt
& now that I know what I need to know
about Clifton
I don’t even blink at the sarcasm falling
from her mouth
Essa stop talking & look at me.
I mean really stares at me for the first time.
Her face twitches & then it’s like all the
meanness in her face just drains
down dirt down to the floor.
Chlorine Sky Page 7
