by Ford, Brynn
I stopped abruptly and yanked my arm away before he could take me outside, “Tell me what happened.”
He gave me a small smile and shook his head lightly, “Not tonight, Blue. Vaughn’s waiting for you outside.”
I took a deep breath of relief, “He’s okay.”
“Of course he’s okay. Come on.”
“Don’t you care why I came here tonight? Why I asked you to come outside to talk?”
“I care, Blue, I’ll always care about you.”
“Then ask me. Ask me why I came.”
“I don’t need to ask. I already know, Desi. Now let’s go, your husband is waiting," he reached for my hand, but I pulled it away with a snap.
“And you’re just okay with it. You're okay with me ending this? Ending us?”
He seethed at my denial of his touch, inhaling sharply through his nose.
“No, I’m not. Of course I’m not fucking okay with it. Though, it's not as if I haven't had time to adjust to your absence in my life over the last couple of weeks with your refusal to talk to me," he shook his head, "But it doesn’t matter because it’s not over. Not yet.”
“Of course it is," my voice cracked as tears welled again, "I can’t see you anymore. I need to make things work with Vaughn. I want to. I can’t keep secrets from him anymore.”
He bent, his face coming close to mine, and spoke with an edge to his voice, “No, you can’t. Lucky for you, you don’t have to anymore. It's all out in the open. Now let’s go.”
He placed his hand at the small of my back and pushed a little too forcefully. He wanted me to go and he was going to make me. I suddenly felt heart sick as he held the door open for me and made me leave. We stepped out onto the sidewalk and Vaughn was standing there under the street light, eyes on the door, just waiting for me.
As soon as my eyes landed on him, I lost it completely, tears breaking free and sliding down my cheeks. I was so fucking sick of crying. Vaughn’s honey brown eyes switched from anger and frustration to love and concern the moment I started to cry. He took a step toward me and I didn’t think, I just went to him, leaving Law behind at the door.
Vaughn moved toward me, strong and steady in his stride, arms opening for me as I approached. We were two magnets being drawn together despite our choices. I collided with him, wrapped my arms around him, and held on for dear life.
“I’m sorry, babe, I’m sorry for everything,” it was all I could think to say.
He squeezed me, nuzzling his face into the side of my neck. I curled my fingers into his black hoodie, grasping the soft fabric at his back tightly. I was desperate to keep him in my hold so he couldn't let me go.
“Let’s just go home,” Vaughn said softly.
He grasped my shoulders and held me at arm’s length, inspecting my soul through my eyes, “You okay?”
I nodded and he granted me a small smile, though I knew I didn’t deserve it. He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and started to pull me away down the sidewalk, but I had to stop him.
“Wait,” I turned toward Law.
Vaughn spoke for him, “He’s fine, Des. You can ask him tomorrow morning how he’s feeling.”
“What?”
“He’ll be over in the morning. To talk.”
“Everything’s okay, Desi,” Law said, “I told you I wasn’t okay with why you came here tonight. I’ll see you in the morning. I’ll explain everything.”
Vaughn postured and gave him a nasty look with slanted eyebrows, “Yeah, you both have a lot of explaining to do.”
I felt like I was shrinking as Vaughn walked me away from Black Ties. I glanced behind me once and saw Law turn and walk back inside.
Vaughn and I walked home together, for the first time in ages. We needed to walk. I needed to clear my head from the mess of jumbled thoughts swirling around inside. I could still feel Vaughn’s anger fueled energy humming, vibrating against my skin. The walk would help him burn some of that off before we got home and started in on the inevitable fight to come.
I fully expected him to distance himself from me after finding out what I’d been doing behind his back. Though I still wasn’t aware of the extent of his knowledge or what had happened between him and Law in the alley after I’d gone inside, I couldn’t imagine him being able to stand the sight of me. Then again, I hadn’t expected him to want to fuck me in the alleyway after catching me at Black Ties.
His arm had remained draped across my shoulders for most of the walk back, holding me close against his side, like he didn’t want to let me go, like he couldn’t let me go. He didn’t say a word and neither did I. But there was some unexpected peace in that close silence, a sort of understanding that this was a turning point in our marriage. I hoped to God it would be for the better.
I was tense at first, nerves over everything that had happened and anxiety over what was yet to come pulled every muscle in my body tight. I started to relax after block two when I felt him, rather than heard him, sigh and pull me closer. He planted a slow, firm kiss to the side of my head. For the first time in months, his affection soothed me rather than making me feel unworthy. It reassured me and I leaned into him as we walked.
For a brief moment in time, we were normal. We were okay. Everything was going to be all right.
Our silent walk home ended as Vaughn unlocked the front door to our apartment and held it open for me to go inside. We went about our normal nightly routines without talking. I don’t think either of us knew what we could say, what we should say.
We undressed silently.
We brushed our teeth silently.
We climbed into bed silently.
I wanted him to say something, anything at all. We laid there side-by-side in our bed, both of us on our backs, staring up at the dark ceiling, just waiting for the universe to intervene.
I wanted him to know that I was okay with talking about it, that I needed to talk about it. But my voice was afraid, hiding away somewhere inside of me. I think I was afraid I would say the wrong thing, that I might make everything that much worse by opening my mouth and letting words fall out. But I knew that silence was what got us here in the first place. I rolled onto my left side, facing him where he lay beside me.
It wasn’t long before I saw his face as he turned his head to look at me, illuminated by the city lights coming in through the window behind him. We stayed that way, looking at one another, watching one another, waiting for something to happen. We waited for some magical, spiritual awakening to overcome us and show us everything we needed to know. But it never came. It would never come. We would have to do the work ourselves and I think we both finally understood that.
It hurt me to look at him, to look deep into his eyes and see how much hurt I had caused him deep down in his soul. I wanted to look away, to run from him, hide from him, just like I’d always done before. But I knew I couldn’t do that any more. Not now that I could see how much damage I’d done. I feared his words, that when he finally spoke they would come out seeking retribution. I feared he would loathe me when he finally processed all that I’d done behind his back.
But I couldn't let that fear rule me anymore.
It was killing me.
It was killing him.
It was killing us.
I leaned down over him and pressed my lips to his. This kiss was soft, patient, chaste. I didn’t seek out his tongue, I simply joined us physically in the place where our words would fail us.
I lifted my lips away briefly, then connected again lovingly, trying to make him feel messages I’d never be able to convey in conversation. I kissed the side of his lips languidly, left, then right. I kissed his cheeks and along his jawline. He did nothing but breathe and listen and feel.
When I finally pulled back to look at him, he smiled. It was small, still filled with pain and worry and wonder for our future. But more importantly, it was honest.
“I love you," his voice was a whisper in the dark, "Nothing will ever change that. I won’t stop fightin
g for you, Desi.”
My heart grew tiny little wings that fluttered, trying so hard to take flight. But my heart was still so heavy with hurt and grief and the weight of my deceptions that it couldn’t fly free. Not yet.
“Don’t ever stop fighting for me. I love you, Vaughn. I need you. I'm sorry for what I've done, for who I've become.”
"We're reflections of each other right now, Desi. We've both become different people. But I refuse to let us grow apart anymore. We need to grow together. We have to work together to figure this out. Okay?"
I nodded, "Okay."
We both knew there was nothing left to say or do tonight. We were both too exhausted. This was enough for the moment.
I laid my head down on his chest and curled my body around his. He pulled me close and held me tight. And before long, we both drifted off to sleep.
* * * * *
“Will you please tell me what happened in the alley last night?” I asked Vaughn for the third time that morning.
He paced behind the couch where I sat, “I told you, it doesn’t matter.”
“It does. I have no idea what he wants to talk to us both about and I’m freaking out here.”
He chuckled, “You’re freaking out? Babe, I don’t know what he wants to talk about either. I only agreed to hear him out for your sake. I’m just trying to keep my cool so I don’t beat the shit out of him the moment he walks through the door.”
I was equal parts anxious and aroused by Vaughn’s agitated energy.
“Why did you agree to this? Why are you letting him coming over? I don’t understand, Vaughn.”
He paused, “I’m not sure I understand either, Desi. But fixing this is more important than losing myself to just how pissed off I really am. There’s something…,” he sighed, trailing off, “I don’t know. This is the most you and I have really talked in a long time. Maybe there’s something to be said about that in this whole fucking mess.”
“Vaughn,” I turned in my seat, hooking my elbow over the back of the couch so I could look at him, “Are we…are you…” I didn’t really know what I was trying to ask.
He stopped, turning to look at me, “Desi,” he sighed, “All I know is that I love you. At your best and at your worst. Everything else…well, we’ll have to figure it out as we go. We’ve both fucked things up.”
I climbed up onto my knees, facing the wrong way on our couch that floated like an island in the middle of our living room.
“I don’t want to lose you, Vaughn. I’m sorry. I’ve been a mess. I’ve fucked up and I know it. I want you to know that I was there last night to –”
“I know, Des. I know now. You were trying to do the right thing, to end it.”
“It's been a couple of weeks since I saw him last. I swear. I was trying to distance myself, trying to let it all fade before I had a chance to end it for good in person.”
His eyes narrowed in contemplation and he nodded, “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
My breath caught in my throat, fear threatening to grip me at the way he said that.
What is he thinking?
Our eyes met and he must have seen it there, the dread I felt for our future. He softened, his shoulders visibly releasing a small fraction of their tension, and he came to me, putting his hand on my cheek.
He loomed over me. It wasn’t oppressive, though it made me feel smaller. With his large hand pressed to my skin, I did feel tiny, fragile, needy, but I didn’t feel less than. I felt like a precious, delicate trinket that he treasured and wanted to care for and it calmed my screaming nerves. I’d forgotten how allowing him a gentle touch of affection or a simple look of appreciation could affect me so profoundly. I realized then that I’d not only been denying him, I’d been denying myself.
How had I gotten so lost?
“Desi, let me be clear. I made a decision last night when I took a swing at your side guy. That was risky for me, reckless given my priors and you know that. You’re not going to lose me unless you tell me to go. I’m with you for the long haul, baby. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt and pissed off and it doesn’t mean we can go on pretending nothing has happened. It doesn’t mean we can ignore all the mistakes we’ve both made. It means we have to make some drastic fucking changes and it has to start now.”
The way he was taking charge of this hot mess I’d made was a reminder of the Vaughn I’d fallen in love with.
Why had I been so stupid all this time?
My head lowered, eyes casting downward to the floor in concession of all the wrong I’d done. His fingertips tapped the underside of my chin, lifting my head to look at him.
“Baby, don’t forget what we’ve been through. We both need to cut each other some slack for grieving someone we never should have had to grieve. It’s changed us in ways we never could’ve prepared for. We’re going to fix this. I’m gonna make sure of that, as long as in you’re in this with me. Are you?”
His eyes told me he feared my answer to that question and it made my stomach roll from the guilt of owning that fear. I’d done that. I’d made him question our love, our marriage. I knew then that I didn’t want him to question us. Never. Not ever again.
I nodded, granting him the smile he needed, the smile he deserved, a smile I truly felt, “I am. Of course, I am, baby,” I wanted to cry.
He bent down, grasping both of my cheeks in his large hands, and he kissed me. It was the same way I’d kissed him last night, gentle and lingering. He pulled back an inch and I saw his smile as he ran his tongue along his bottom lip. He pressed his lips to mine again, but when I parted them to grant him entry, we were interrupted.
Three sharp taps against the front door froze us both in time. Two worlds in my universe where about to collide. There was a sense of relief that everything was about to be out in the open, that I wouldn’t have to keep secrets anymore. But as Vaughn crossed the room, slowly opened the door, and revealed Law standing there on the other side, my heart collapsed into my gut. My pulse and my breath hesitated at the same time, giving me a momentary out-of-body experience. That brief hesitation gave me the sensation of floating in a void between two dimensions.
What is this feeling?
There was something strange and terrifying and oddly, dare I say beautiful, about seeing these two men standing so near one another. These two men had a greater impact on me and who I had become, who I would become, than anyone else in my life.
“Hey,” I finally said breaking the silence that everyone else seemed to be ignoring.
“Good morning,” Law said with a sad sort of smile as Vaughn stepped aside so he could enter, “I brought coffee.”
“Thank you,” I smiled, though it was strained, trying to cut through some of the masculine tension.
He stepped inside as Vaughn shut the door behind him and I sat back on my heels, feeling some insistent need to take up less space in the room that was suddenly overcrowded.
“Come on in,” Vaughn finally offered, though his tone was terse.
I couldn’t fault him for that.
The two men came around to the seating area and I turned to sit on the couch facing the correct direction, curling one leg beneath me as I normally did. Vaughn held out his palm to the armchair that rested on the floor across from me, indicating that’s where Law should sit.
Law set a carrier of drinks on the coffee table between us before sitting on the edge of the armchair. He looked uneasy. That was something I had never imagined could be said about him. He was always cool, confident, even-tempered. But the manner in which he perched on the chair, leaning forward, wringing his hands together in front of him, it told me this was uncharted territory for him, too. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to tell him that I’d missed him. But I didn’t dare.
Vaughn sat down beside me, close, laying his arm over the back of the couch in a not-so-subtly possessive manner. It made him look confident, maybe a bit cocky, in the way he casually leaned back. But I felt the tingle of his aura prickle my skin as it
radiated slow burning fear and the need to mark his territory.
“So,” Vaughn started, “You wanted to talk.”
Oh, God.
I’m not ready for this.
I am not ready for this conversation.
I tried to halt his effort to get right to the point, “How’s your face?” I blurted stupidly to Law.
The dumb question seemed to chisel away a tiny bit of the hard stone wall of tension building between the three of us.
Law smiled at me, “I’m fine, Desi.”
Vaughn shifted beside me.
I sighed, “Well, I guess we’ve just hopped right on that train to –”
“Awkwardville,” they both said in unison and every muscle in my body went rigid at just how much more awkward I’d managed to make the situation.
“Oh, boy,” I leaned forward to pick up a cup of coffee from the carrier on the coffee table.
“I guess I should ask, Vaughn,” Law jumped in, “What do you know?”
I glanced over to see Vaughn shooting daggers at Law, sizing him up intently now that he could get a better look at him in the light, “I’ve read every text. I know what happens at Black Ties. I’ve seen rope burns, scrapes, bruises, red marks, all over my wife’s body that she lied to me about. After last night, I know,” his voice faltered for a millisecond, but I heard it nonetheless, “I know Desi asked for all of it.”
I’m the worst fucking wife in the history of terrible wives.
I couldn’t speak, so I chose to listen.
Law nodded, “I’m sorry for how all of this went down. It’s my fault. I should never have entered into an agreement with Desi knowing she was keeping it from you.”
“You shouldn’t have done it knowing she was married. Period. How long did you know about me?” Vaughn seethed and I hung my head.
“From the beginning, day one. She told me she was married the night I met her,” Law replied.
