Blue

by Ford, Brynn

  The aftermath was awkward, as we both should have foreseen.

  We both felt okay, but not good.

  Satisfied for the moment, but not fully satiated.

  Better, but not well.

  Thankfully, Ris and I knew how to find comfort in discomfort. It was a part of the lifestyle. We both just needed some rest, some peace. We'd held it for moments when we played, but it quickly fell from our grasp when we both finished, when we both came crashing down from the temporary high. Even in the uncomfortable moments that passed, Ris knew how to help me find the tranquil feeling I'd been seeking, and in turn, found it for herself.

  She steadied her breathing, giving me something to focus on as I matched each inhale and exhale. It was kind of incredible how well she still knew me, even after all this time had passed since she was mine.

  Ris was a woman I was grateful to have in my life and I suddenly felt guilty for putting my hands on her, for asking her to kiss me, for tempting her in a way I shouldn't have, for fucking her in the way I wanted. Nonetheless, she stayed with me, in my bed, in my arms. I needed to make sure I kept my promise to her that we would spend more time together. We were friends. She deserved that time from me and I wanted that time from her, too.

  Her calming presence and intentional breathing allowed me to slip into a relaxed state, eventually dragging me down into an early bedtime, slipping me into a deep sleep where I dreamed of the women I couldn't have.

  First, I dreamed of Desi.

  And for the first time in nearly a decade, I dreamed of the girl I couldn’t save, the one I couldn’t help transform through her pain. The girl I once thought would be mine forever. The ghost that haunted me.

  I dreamed of Audrey Adams.

  Chapter 30

  Desi

  The evening after I got my tattoo, Vaughn got a phone call from Law and I overhead parts of the conversation. They weren't talking about me. They weren't talking about what happened between the three of us the night before at Black Ties.

  They were talking about Ris.

  I couldn't make out any of the details, but I was too curious for my own damn good that they were talking about something other than mine and Vaughn's budding dom-sub relationship.

  Was it possible that they could be friends one day?

  Could I keep Law in my life?

  Could we have more nights of playing together?

  No, that's a reach.

  I pulled out my phone and typed out a text to Ris.

  DESI: Hey, what's new?

  I got myself a snack from the kitchen and sat down on the couch while I waited for her response. It was only a couple of minutes before she replied.

  RIS: Hey, girl. I heard you had some fun last night.

  DESI: OMG. Like you wouldn't believe.

  RIS: Yes! I'm so happy for you and Vaughn. How's it all going?

  DESI: It's really good, actually. But I want to hear about you.

  RIS: Oh?

  DESI: Maybe I shouldn't say anything.

  DESI: But Law just called my husband. They're not talking about me. They're talking about you.

  RIS: Well, shit.

  DESI: Care to elaborate?

  RIS: Uhhh.

  RIS: Well.

  RIS: I dumped Asher last night.

  RIS: And I might have fucked Law?

  DESI: You MIGHT HAVE fucked Law?

  DESI: OMG. Did you really?

  My heart sunk a little at that news. I was confused and shocked and I think I was happy for Ris. But I was also feeling something else. Something I had no right to feel.

  Jealousy.

  RIS: It's not a big deal, Desi. Just a comfort fuck. That's all it was.

  RIS: We were both hurting. Ending things with Asher was rough.

  RIS: He was upset over you. But you knew that.

  DESI: Upset over me?

  DESI: No, he wasn't. He left without even saying goodbye.

  RIS: Desi. Really? Come on.

  DESI: What?

  RIS: Girl, Law's still hung up over you.

  RIS: He may have had sex with me last night, but he was thinking about you.

  Oh, God.

  That hurt to know. I didn't want to be the person who kept him from moving on and being happy. Still, there was that small part of me that warmed at the thought, making my heart beat just a little faster.

  DESI: He needs to move on. Find a new sub.

  RIS: Does he?

  DESI: What is that supposed to mean?

  RIS: You said he's talking to your husband right now. Obviously your playtime last night didn't scare anyone off. Maybe you'll get to do it again.

  DESI: Maybe. But that's Vaughn's call. I won't risk losing him again.

  RIS: Aww, you guys are too cute.

  DESI: RIS.

  DESI: You had sex with Law last night.

  DESI: I NEED TO KNOW MORE.

  RIS: LOL.

  RIS: Let's hang out next week.

  RIS: I miss your beautiful face.

  DESI: You just saw me last night. LOL

  RIS: So? I can still miss you.

  I smiled. Ris had a way of making me feel like a more important person than I thought I was. She made me feel bright, even when I was surrounded by darkness.

  DESI: I miss you, too.

  DESI: But you still haven't given me details.

  RIS: What happens in Law's bedroom stays in Law's bedroom?

  DESI: L

  DESI: O

  DESI: L

  DESI: No fucking way that's right.

  RIS: Haha. True.

  RIS: There's really nothing to tell, girl.

  RIS: Quick fuck for a distraction. That's it.

  DESI: Fine, fine. You don't want to talk about it. I'll just get the details from Vaughn since Law is clearly telling him all about it.

  RIS: Watch, they're gonna turn into best friends. I'm calling it now. You're gonna get a proper threesome one of these days. I'm jealous, girl.

  Guilt washed over me for silently hoping she was right.

  * * * * *

  Things were hectic over the next week with the holiday. Vaughn and I spent Christmas with Hazel and Milo's larger extended family. It was a bit of a tough week, missing Lucy from the holiday activities when Vaughn and I had expected to have a newborn at that point, especially seeing how big Hazel had grown in her pregnancy. But with Vaughn's strength and love and his dominant guidance and direction, he helped us both get through it.

  Ris and I had been texting and talking more and more since the night she and Law slept together, but we hadn't gotten a chance to see each other that week. So we made a plan and met up for New Year’s Eve lunch the following week.

  She'd remained vague and evasive when I aked her about sleeping with Law. I wanted to know what happened, how it happened, why it happened. I wanted to know she was okay. I wanted to know he was okay. I wanted to reach out to Law and talk to him about it since Ris kept avoiding it all together.

  Vaughn was still uncomfortable with the idea of me talking to Law on my own, and rightfully so. He hadn't actually told me that out loud, but I could see it. I asked him once if he was okay with me reaching out to text Law and he said yes, so long as the content of the conversation was strictly platonic, so long as I would be willing to show him anything we'd written in text. I was absolutely willing to do that. I wasn't going to risk losing the trust we were slowly, but steadily rebuilding. But the way he said he was okay with it told me he was still scared. That was enough for me to know I couldn't speak to Law on my own.

  Not yet.

  I already had a table near the window when I saw Ris walk into the bustling restaurant where we'd agreed to meet for lunch on New Year's Eve. As usual, she looked amazing, a beautiful blonde angel floating into the room wearing a pristine white button down tucked into a black pencil skirt beneath her long, black pea coat. She had a way of making me feel spectacularly under-dressed whenever I saw her, even though I’d made a point to wear something a bit more
business casual and do my hair and make-up for our lunch date.

  I waved to get her attention and she smiled as she gave me a nod. She leaned over the podium at the door to say something to the hostess. The hostess said something to her and gestured to a table in the back corner of the room and Ris waved me over to follow them.

  Odd.

  I met her at the new table, greeting her with a hug as she kissed me on the cheek and we sat across from each other.

  “Didn’t like the table I got?” I questioned with a friendly smile.

  “I just didn’t want to sit near the window,” she swallowed, “Thought some privacy might be nice."

  She grinned, but her hand shook a little as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

  I was immediately concerned.

  “Are you okay, Ris?”

  “I’m great, how are you, honey?” she was always bright in her tone, but I thought that sounded a little too bright, a little bit forced.

  “I’m great, actually,” I paused, “You sure you’re okay? You seem a little off.”

  She waved me off, looking at the menu in front of her, “Oh, don’t worry about me. I’m just a little overworked and it’s wearing on me.”

  I don’t buy it.

  “Oh. Big case?”

  “Sure,” she said off-handedly, “Enough about me. How are things with Vaughn?”

  I didn't like the way she brushed it off, but I decided to let it go for the time being.

  I smiled, “They’re good. Really good, actually.”

  She beamed at me, “How is he as a dominant? I'm dying to know."

  "He's good, Ris. Really good," I grinned and blushed.

  "As good as Law?"

  Okay, she brought him up, that's a green light to talk about him today, right?

  I nodded, "As good as Law. So much more than that, though. It's like you had told me before. Vaughn gives me the pain, the orders, he pushes my limits, and after," I bit the side of my thumb, "He takes such good care of me. I get to have the bad boy, dirty dominant and the soul-crushing love making. I feel like I have you to thank for all of that. Honestly, Ris. You helped me realize he could give me that. I think if you hadn't come over, the morning after Vaughn found out about me and Law, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't be so…so happy."

  "Oh, sweetie," her face softened, lightened in graceful humility, "You're gonna make me cry. Stop it, I'll ruin my make-up."

  "Seriously, Ris, I'm really lucky you popped into my life."

  "Aw, can I keep you?" she beamed.

  "Duh," I grinned, "I mean, Vaughn and I have a lot of work to do. I’ve got a lot of work to do. I'm starting to see that I’ve been kind of a fuck up wife, but I’m trying now. I’m trying to be better. For him.”

  “That’s all you can do, right? Try to be a better person today than you were yesterday. I can see how much happier you are now. I'm so glad things turned out the way they have. Now, if we can just get those boys a little more comfortable with each other, you'll be fucking them both in no time. At the same time, with any luck.”

  Oh, God, what a beautiful, dirty fantasy.

  Her smirk was devious, conspiring.

  I laughed, "Vaughn would never let that happen. I don't think he's interested in sharing me."

  She shrugged, "I suppose time will tell. But I've got a feeling your man's a bit of a freak."

  "You have no idea, girl," I paused, "So are you going to tell me more about sleeping over at Law's apartment the weekend before last?"

  She looked over her menu at me, “What is there to tell?"

  "Oh, my God, Ris. Just tell me the whole story. Tell me everything."

  "You just want to hear about how sad he was over you, what he said about you, don't you?" she smiled knowingly.

  Yes.

  "I want to know all of it."

  "It's a short story, Desi. He told me every detail of what happened with the three of you at Black Ties. Which, by the way, is a story I need to hear from you. Play by glorious play."

  "And?"

  "And what?"

  "What happened after that?"

  The waitress interrupted our conversation to take our order and we handed off our menus.

  "Well," she sighed, "I told Law that I called and broke up with Asher."

  There was a flash of something across her bright blue eyes when she said Asher's name.

  Not love.

  Not sadness.

  No.

  It looked like fear.

  "Are you okay, by the way? With the break-up and everything?"

  Her cheerful expression drooped, "I'm great, Desi. Honestly, he was getting borderline abusive. Not borderline, actually. Just abusive. It had to end. I mean, I'm human, you know? I used to be in love with him, so it hurts. It does. But I'm okay. I'll be fine, I promise."

  I let her words sit in the air for a beat as she glanced nervously out the windows at the front of the restaurant, near where I'd been sitting before, as if she expected to see something worrisome.

  "Did having sex with Law help?"

  Ris laughed, "Yes, girl. For the whole twenty minutes, he made me the happiest girl in the world."

  "Twenty minutes? That's it? You slept over, right?"

  "We both just needed something quick. He was heart sick over you, Desi. I knew that when he started putting his hands on me. I knew he'd only be touching me thinking of you."

  I blushed, feeling my cheeks grow hot. I wished I could ask her more about that, more about what she thought he was thinking about me while they were touching each other. But I didn't dare. Those answers would only lead me down a dangerous rabbit hole.

  "Didn't that bother you?"

  She shook her head, "Nope. I don't blame him at all for fantasizing about you," she smiled and her natural glow returned.

  "Stop it," I tried to give her a serious look, but couldn't halt the grin that pulled at my cheeks.

  My phone started to vibrate against the wood table where I’d set it when we sat down. Vaughn’s name flashed across the screen. Ris saw and snatched my phone away with a mischievous grin before I could pick it up to answer. I glared at her with my mouth open in surprise when she answered for me.

  “Hello, Vaughn. How are you?”

  I held out my hand, “Give me my phone.”

  She shook her head as she talked to my husband, “This is Ris,” she smiled at me across the table, “I’m well, thank you, that’s so kind of you to ask. How are you, Vaughn?”

  “Oh, my God,” I said, trying to pretend I was irritated, though really, I was amused, “Give me my phone.”

  Vaughn was saying something to her and all I could hear from across the table was the distorted mumble of his voice through the phone line.

  Ris said, with pauses for his responses, “Yes, of course; Sometimes; Oh, I don’t think you have anything to worry about there; Really. Really? Yes, you absolutely should, she’ll be thrilled,” she smiled at me, then she laughed, “Yes, Sir.”

  Ris winked at me then and I said a little louder than intended, “Ris! Don’t even go there, give me the phone.”

  “Sure, here she is,” Ris told Vaughn, before handing it over to me.

  I took it, giving her an incredulous look along with the smile I just couldn’t help, “Unbelievable,” I said to her, then held the phone up to my ear to talk to Vaughn, “Hey, babe.”

  “Hey, sexy, lunch with Ris today?”

  “Yeah. Are you at work?”

  “I’m about to leave early actually.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah,” he hesitated and his tone changed, “So, Hazel had her baby early this morning.”

  I swallowed, silent.

  “Desi?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  “I’m heading over to the hospital to visit. I know…I know this will be hard for you, but I’d like you to come with me.”

  Oh, boy.

  “Is it the…is she at the same hospital? Where I had Lucy?”

 
; “Yeah, she is. Babe, I know,” he tried to sooth me with a calm, slow voice, “But it would mean a lot to me, and to Milo and Hazel, if you could come and meet your new niece. They named her Carmen.”

  I was nodding slowly, though I knew he couldn’t see, my eyes were downcast and I could feel Ris’ concern at my sudden change in demeanor from across the table.

  “Desi?”

  Every muscle in my body was rigid at the thought of going back to that hospital, the same place that I’d given birth to my Lucy. I knew this day was coming. Hazel was due on Christmas Eve and had gone well past her due date to deliver today, on New Year’s Eve.

  I’d just always thought that Lucy’s first Christmas would bring her the gift of a new cousin. Instead, my new niece was arriving just in time for the new year without a cousin to speak of.

  I’d been dreading this, truly dreading this. But it wouldn’t be fair of me to allow my grief to take away from their joy.

  It was Hazel’s first baby, though she and Milo weren’t exactly new to parenting. They had adopted Milo’s two nephews after his brother died unexpectedly. Their mother wasn’t around to care for them and Milo was their best shot at a decent life. But Miguel and Diego were older, seven and nine now, so this was still a whole new, exciting thing for Hazel and Milo. I’d always known it would be hard when Hazel had the baby, just weeks after my Lucy was due, but the fact that she had a girl made it that much harder for me.

  I was happy for them but broken hearted for us.