Blue

by Ford, Brynn

  Then Ris' prick boyfriend fucked it all up.

  Shit. I hope she's okay.

  Why did these perfectly strong women in my life choose such shitty men? It was like seeing Hazel in that room. When I saw Ris there, being overpowered and abused by a man that was supposed to protect her, it took me away from reality and snapped me back to my fury filled youth. The sight of it provoked the memories I'd worked so hard to suppress. They were memories that had once trigged rage at the drop of a hat. They were memories of the asshole who abused my sister.

  When I disciplined myself, learned how to regulate my feelings about those memories, they prompted my guardian instinct, my need to defend and care and protect. I wasn't prepared for the harsh impact of witnessing it happening all over again to another woman I had a great deal of respect for and it had triggered me violently.

  I stopped pacing and leaned forward against the cement wall of the small room, pressing my hands and forehead against it to support me as one of those painful memories of Hazel gripped me without warning. With nothing else to focus on in the room, with no way to escape, the memory dragged me down as if the wall I leaned against were a portal to the past that was dragging me through it.

  "I said no, Ben, knock it off," I heard Hazel say firmly from the kitchen.

  I gently set down the box I was carrying, helping her move into her new apartment with her boyfriend, Ben. I wasn't exactly fond of the guy who seemed to have a hard time being nice to my big sister. Hearing her strong voice in the kitchen rose my hackles.

  "Ben, stop!"

  My feet moved to rush me toward them, ready to step in if I had to, but then I heard her giggle. When I moved past the overhead cabinets that were blocking my view, I saw them standing close, Hazel leaning back against the kitchen counter while Ben kissed her neck and put his hands on her.

  I did not need to see my sister getting fondled by that creep.

  They didn't see me, so I left the studio apartment space and went downstairs to grab another box. I wish I'd never left them alone. I stepped back inside the apartment with a new box in hand and heard what sounded like quiet whimpering from the kitchen.

  "Ben, please…" Hazel whispered, just loud enough for me to hear from the other room.

  Seriously?

  They can't be having sex right now.

  Something crashed against the cheap linoleum floor. Then a thud. Another thud. Hazel crying.

  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ben, please!"

  "Who the fuck do you think you are, Hazel? I can do whatever the fuck I want. Do you think anyone else wants you? Huh?"

  Another thud.

  "Vaughn. He'll be back, please, I don't want him to see you like this."

  I dropped the box and rushed into their view.

  Ben looked over at me from where he stood, pressing my sister's back against the stove. She had her hands braced on the laminate countertop on either side of it, trying to keep herself upright as his body held hers in place. Ben's hand was lifting away from one of the burner knobs on the back of the stove that he'd turned on by reaching around her.

  "Vaughn needs to see me like this, babe. See what it takes to be a real man when his bitch needs to learn a lesson."

  He grabbed Hazel's hips and flipped her body around with ease to face the stove, grabbing the back of her head and digging his fingers into her ponytail. He pushed her face down to hover over the burner that was changing color from cool black to red hot.

  My chest was heaving.

  Pulse throbbing in my veins.

  Muscles tightening painfully, preparing to explode with force.

  "You've got a birthday coming up, huh?" Ben said, as if everything were normal in that moment, "18? You'll be a man, Vaughn. You've gotta learn how to take care of your home. You've gotta –"

  I'll never know how that sentence ended because that's when a volcano erupted inside me.

  That's when I launched myself at him.

  I beat the shit out of him on the kitchen floor.

  I dragged him out of the apartment and tossed him down the staircase.

  I got arrested trying to protect my sister from Ben.

  This one, though, this was my third strike and I was fucked. Unless the state chose not to press charges, unless Asher chose not to press charges, I was going to jail for this. And there was nothing anyone could do about it.

  Chapter 34

  Desi

  "It's open," I said only as loudly as I had to when someone knocked insistently on my apartment door.

  It swung wide open and I didn't have to turn my head to know it was Law. He hadn't given me more than a few hours alone since Vaughn's arrest four days ago.

  "Why is your door unlocked and why are you still on the floor?"

  I turned my head to the side to look at him, "Because I knew you'd be back and I didn't want to get up."

  I was lying on my back in the living room, listlessly staring up at the ceiling and trying to clear my head from the stress and worry and fear of my husband being in jail. I mindlessly twirled the modest wedding band on my ring finger.

  "Have you been laying there since I left three hours ago?"

  "Yep."

  "Desi, I can't begin to imagine how all of this is weighing on you, but I have to say that this new coping mechanism you've developed is rather unbecoming."

  I flipped him my middle finger before returning my gaze to the ceiling. I heard him come in and shut and lock the door behind him.

  "Now that was just unnecessarily rude."

  "I don't know, I think rudeness is generally called for in a situation like this. What do you want from me? Do you want me to smile pretty for you? Greet you like a proper hostess? Say hello in a cheery tone?"

  "How'd you get so salty in the span of a few hours? You must be hungry. What do you want to eat?" Law grinned in sarcasm as he sat down beside me on the floor, leaning against the back of our sofa and resting his arms on his knees.

  "Fuck you," my voice was a low growl.

  I felt the words rumble through me with misdirected resentment.

  I didn't want to be rude. I didn't want to sound so mean. But my attitude had changed in all of this. The stress of Vaughn's arrest, the waiting, the not knowing. I couldn't see him, couldn't talk to him, couldn't touch him. I didn't know if he was okay. It was all too damn much and every minute was a fight to maintain my composure.

  "I'm sorry, I don't mean it," I apologized for my curtness with him, completely uncalled for when he'd been so strong and supportive of me through all of this.

  Dampness clouded my vision and I sucked in a sharp breath before sobs took over my body yet again. I brought my hands up to cover my face and rolled onto my side, away from Law, not wanting him to have to deal with my tears for the millionth time in so many days.

  I pressed my face to the carpet just in time for the pain to break free. My body shook with each new burst of tears as they soaked the carpet. I was only vaguely aware of Law laying down behind me, curling his body around mine and holding me tight to him while I purged.

  "I just want him to come home," I wished through starts and stops.

  "I know, sweetheart," he squeezed me tighter, "If I could bring him back to you myself, I would."

  "He's never hurt anyone who didn't deserve it."

  We went through the paces of the same conversation we'd been having for days.

  "It's not fair they denied bail. It's not fucking fair. Just because he's a repeat offender? Fuck them."

  "Ris is working hard on appealing that, she's pulling in every favor she's got."

  "I don't care what they say, he's not a criminal."

  "Of course he's not," Law agreed, "You know I'm grateful for what he did for Ris, and that he's done it for his sister before. He's a good man."

  "He's just a number in their system. That's all they'll ever see him as."

  "Ris won't let that happen. I know she won't, Desi. She's been working around the clock on this. She's going to get him out o
n bail. She's going to get the assault charges from when he was still a minor expunged. Asher can say whatever the fuck he wants about a weapon, be we all know Vaughn didn't use anything but muscle to beat the shit out of that asshole. They'll see that in trial."

  My sobbing slowed as he spoke, reminding me of all the things that had to come together perfectly for this nightmare to end. I turned in his hold, rolling to face him.

  "Law, even with all that. They can still put him away. What do I do? What do I do if they send him to prison?" I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, surely expressing the hurt I felt.

  He stroked my hair, pressing his lips to my forehead.

  "If they do, then I'll take care of you until he gets out," he let out a breath and snuggled me closer, "He already made me promise."

  "When?"

  "At the bail hearing. That's what he asked me before they took him away."

  Silence fell between us as I looked into his baby blue eyes, "You didn't tell me that."

  "What would I have said?"

  Words fell from my lips tonelessly, bleakly, "You could've told me that he'd already given up hope."

  My heart ached, radiating pain across my chest that tightened and restricted and made me feel trapped in my own body. I wore Vaughn's favorite, black, well-worn, unwashed t-shirt. I gripped the fabric, clutching it tightly over my heart. My body curled inward on itself, as if trying to encircle and protect the overwhelmed organ that continued to thump wildly every second since Vaughn was taken from me. Panic gripped me and air caught in my lungs, making my breaths shallow and useless. My eyes shut tight, fighting to hold back the wall of tears threatening to spill again.

  "God, it hurts. It hurts, Law. Just make it stop. Just make it stop. Just make it stop."

  "I'll do everything I can to bring him back to you," he told me, "I promise."

  "Red," I whispered without intention or understanding of how the word had slipped out from within me.

  "Why can't I stop this with a safeword? Why can't I? I can't take the pain of this. Red, Red, Red…" tumbled from me as my body coiled in overpowering pain, pain so significant that the instinct to flee it by any means necessary escaped me as that single, desperate syllable.

  Law froze, his hands grasping my cheeks and pulling my head from where it bowed inward, chin to chest. He forced me to look at him.

  "Blue."

  I shook my head against his palms.

  "I won't let this break you, Blue."

  "I'm already broken."

  He rolled on top of me so quickly that I hardly noticed the world turn beneath my back. He pinned my weight with his body and held my eyes with the severity of his, agitation swimming in the crystal blue.

  Every word came out with force and clarity, "You are not broken, Blue."

  I whispered, "I don't know what's going to happen. I'm so scared."

  His expression softened as he bent down to kiss my forehead, "I know."

  He removed one hand from my face and kissed my cheek. Then, before I could stop him, he kissed my lips. It was brief, comforting, but brought back memories of wanting and longing that I really couldn't process through all of this. He knew that, I knew he did. But it wasn't enough for him to mask the ache we both knew he felt over wanting me, knowing he couldn't have me.

  "I love you, sweetheart. I'm here, for all of it. I won't let this break you. I won't let you down."

  I loved him, too, but I couldn't tell him that, because it wasn't love in the way he deserved. Instead of saying anything, I wrapped my arms and legs tightly around him, pulling him close into my embrace to show him how much I appreciated him, how much I needed him here for me. He released a long, slow breath and snaked his arms around my body, rolling us both onto our sides again so we could hold each other in a way that outsiders might think was far too intimate.

  "Okay," I whispered against his ear, conceding, "I'll trust you to keep me in one piece. I'll trust you. Don't let this break me, Sir."

  He pulled back just enough to smile at me, his fingertips brushing against my face as he tucked my hair behind my ear.

  "I've got you, Blue. You know I always take care of my girls."

  We both jumped at the unexpected buzz and vibration of my phone that managed to get wedged beneath our hips. I scrambled to sit up as I reached between us to dislodge it. I didn't recognize the phone number on the screen. Under normal circumstances, I'd let an unknown number go straight to voice mail, but with Vaughn in jail and everything surrounding his arrest so up in the air, I'd been answering every call before the second ring.

  "Hello?" I said after tapping the screen to answer the call.

  I was met with a recording, "This is a collect call from an inmate with the Cook County Department of Corrections. Do you wish to accept the charge? Say yes or no."

  "Yes!" I nearly screamed at the phone, hopping up to sit on my knees, "It's him," I said to Law.

  I'd never felt so out of control excited to talk to someone on the phone. It took just a few moments for the call to click through. I chewed on the side of my thumb while I waited and Law got up, walking around to sit on the couch. He was giving me space for my first phone call with Vaughn.

  My first phone call with Vaughn in jail.

  The call connected and my love's voice shot adrenaline down my spine. My heart thumped wildly back to life, pulsing out the pain that had gripped me just moments ago, and my palms slickened with sweat, all as if I were a teenager getting her first phone call from her high school crush.

  "Hey, baby," he sounded relieved.

  "Vaughn. Baby. Oh, my God. I miss you. I miss you so much."

  I could hear his sigh over the line, "Desi. Goddamn, I missed the sound of your voice. How are you doing, babe?"

  "Better now."

  "Oh?"

  I was trying not to cry, for his sake, but it was harder than I thought it would be to hear his voice, to talk to him, but not be able to touch him.

  "I'm kind of lost without you."

  "I'm so sorry I did this to us," he said and that broke my heart.

  "You didn't do this to us. You didn't, Vaughn. I hate that…" I had to pause to sniff back my tears, "I hate that they think you're a criminal. You're not. I know you're not. You're Vaughn Cooper. My V. I'm proud of you for doing what was right."

  He was quiet and I suddenly felt terrified that the call had dropped.

  "Vaughn?"

  "I'm here, baby. Just needed a second to suck it up and be a man. I'm in jail, you know. You can't make me get all emotional here. It would probably be in my best interest to avoid shedding any tears," he chuckled and I echoed the sound.

  "Are you doing okay, baby?" he asked, "Is Law taking care of you like I asked him to?"

  I nodded though he couldn't see me, "Yeah. He's making sure I'm fed and watered regularly."

  He laughed, "Good. I just wish I could be taking care of you right now, Blue."

  "I just wish I could hold you."

  "I wish I could touch you."

  "I wish I could kiss you."

  "I wish I could do a lot more than that to you, Holly Blue," he sighed, "Are you biting your lip?"

  I chuckled because I absolutely was and he'd called me on it, "Yes."

  "God, baby. I can deal with sleeping on a crappy metal cot that's too small for me. I can deal with the shitty food, the constant noise and chaos and fighting. But I just don't know how to deal with not being near you."

  I tried to sound as determined and confident as I could, though I felt neither of those things, "It's not forever, V. We're gonna get you out. Ris is a great lawyer, I know she can make it happen."

  But can she really?

  Can anyone?

  "Blue, I need you to understand something. Are you listening?"

  "Yes, V."

  "I could be in here for a while. I need you to accept that there may be nothing that Ris or anyone else can do to fight the charges. I could be in here for years."

  I felt suddenly combative
, "Stop it."

  "Desi, don't."

  "Don't what, Vaughn? Don't have hope that everything will be okay?"

  "I'm not saying that."

  "Then what are you saying?"

  "I'm saying that it might be a long time before I get out."

  I huffed, "I'm not stupid, Vaughn, I get that."

  He went on as if I hadn't said anything at all, "You can't afford the apartment on your own."

  "I'll figure it out."

  "I've already figured it out for you. I want you to sublet the apartment and move in with Law."

  "What?"

  "Milo and Hazel would be happy to let you move in, I'm sure, but with baby Carmen and the boys, they're already overcrowded. I'd send you to stay with Ris, but, hell, I don't even want her staying in her own place with Asher running around on the streets doing God knows what. I trust Law to keep you safe and take care of you."

  "Do I get a say in this?"

  "No, Blue. It's what I want. It's what's best for you. So just tell me 'yes, V,' and agree that it's settled so you can talk to me about what you're wearing."

  I could hear his smile in the tone of his voice and I smiled, too.

  "Yes, V. Whatever you say, V."

  I wouldn't tell him just then that I didn't want to leave our home when it was the only place I felt connected to him.

  "And? What are you wearing?"

  "I'm wearing one of your black t-shirts and a pair of shorts."

  "Good God," Law said.

  He smiled at me, rolling his eyes dramatically. He got up off the couch and walked into the kitchen to give us a little more privacy.

  "Those purple short shorts you know I love?" Vaughn asked.

  "Of course, baby."

  He forced out an audible sigh that was heavy with desire and longing, "Baby, I love you so goddamn much."

  "I love you more."

  "I'm gonna get cut off here in about a minute."

  "When can you call again?"

  "I can call you every day now that I've got my inmate pin."