Woman's Own

by Robyn Carr

  “Lilly, it is not as though we made these rules. We certainly won’t get away with breaking them!”

  “They’ve already been broken. Now all anyone can think of is how to confuse all the rules with lies and schemes!”

  “The women in this family know nothing at all about men!” Bertie exclaimed, returning with tea and brandy.

  “Well, some of us are learning a few things about men!” Amanda returned, glaring at Lilly.

  Fletcher made a sound that could have been a laugh, and four women glared at him.

  “Can’t this be discussed without accusations concerning a person’s character?” he asked somewhat lamely.

  “If you’re going to stay, be quiet! This is women’s trouble,” Amanda barked.

  “I want Fletcher to stay,” Lilly said, “And I don’t intend to be scuttled off to Europe!”

  On they went. Amanda was in search of an extended tour. Emily was seeking a story that would explain away the indiscretion of a sudden pregnancy. Bertie listed all the names of gentlemen she could remember. Fletcher watched and listened. There was a lot of pacing, a lot of swearing, and through it all Lilly was stoic, refusing to cry, refusing to name the man, refusing to let their upset cloud her decision. However it had to be managed, she intended to have her baby, hold it, love it, raise it.

  It was the only thing, she supposed, that she and Andrew would ever have together. And he had thought the cottage would be their legacy!

  Lilly began to believe they would be arguing over what must be done with her for so long that the baby would arrive and there would be nothing further to discuss. Later, when she was sitting on her bed brushing out her hair, Emily came into her bedroom and sat down beside her. She put a gentle hand on Lilly’s shoulder, and Lilly put a hand over her mother’s. “Mama, I’m sorry I disappointed you.”

  “I love you, Lilly. And I’ll love your child. That’s all there really is.”

  “Mama, I know it’s wrong, but I’m actually happy. I’ve always wanted a child. This isn’t quite the way I hoped it would be, but…I will try to be a good mother. As good as you.”

  “Lilly, what do you plan to do about him?”

  “Oh, Mama, this really isn’t his fault. He warned me--he tried to talk sense to me. I knew from the start he wasn’t mine to keep. I thought there might be some solution to carry with the news.”

  “You are going to tell him?”

  “Yes, certainly,” she said.

  “Are you going to put this man behind you, Lilly?”

  “I suppose I must. I don’t think I can accept this challenge regularly.”

  “I don’t have the stamina. I don’t know why you let it begin-- you’re smarter than most women.”

  “Mama, I’ve never learned to compromise, and I’ve never had the right sort of scruples. I couldn’t be happier married to someone I don’t love, and I couldn’t be happier not having this baby growing in me. Oh, Mama,” she said, a mist finally coming to her eyes, “I’ve never been the least attracted to conventional behavior! I’m perfectly hopeless!”

  “You’ve carried such a big secret, Lilly, you must be filled with hope. My heart breaks for you.”

  “But I’ll have a child,” she said. “However big a mess this situation becomes, I will have and raise my child.”

  Lilly frequently carried a veiled hat in her large tote bag when she went to the flat Andrew had leased. Small, tidy, sparsely furnished, it was not very much. There was a bed, chest and bureau, armoire, table and chairs, a few dishes and pots, although they rarely shared a meal there. There was a wood stove, sink pump, and plenty of linens, and Andrew had hired someone to clean the place weekly. Lilly routinely had the coach leave her near the lending library, and from there she would walk to the little flat. Occasionally she passed residents who lived in the building and sometimes they would nod toward her. No one questioned Andrew about the place. Men, Lilly learned, could do as they pleased with their bodies; women were looked at with disapproval for the very same thing. Lilly’s coat and shoes were of high quality, and she assumed those few people who saw her thought she was a prostitute or a married woman engaged in a secret affair. Her veil was for the sake of discretion. She really believed meeting Andrew here made as much sense in her life as any other thing she did.

  Andrew had not yet arrived when she unlocked the door. She removed her hat and tossed it on the table. Then she sat on the settee and looked around the place. It seemed so reasonable, she thought, to choose carefully whom you loved and be true to that love.

  When he arrived, letting himself in, he smiled, kissed her cheek, and went directly to the wood stove to light it. Making tea for her was one of his rituals. He removed his jacket and unbuttoned his shirt at the collar before he drew her to her feet to embrace her.

  “Do you think we fool anyone?” she asked him. “The people I pass look at me as though they can see through me.”

  “Do you care?” he said. “Lord, I missed you. Has it really only been a week?”

  She welcomed his kiss, that deep and wonderful kiss that had become so familiar and comforting. All those predictable feelings rose in her. How she loved him! But she finally wrenched herself free. “Darling, stop. We have to talk. I have something important to tell you.”

  “Can’t you tell me while I--”

  “I’m pregnant, Andrew,” she blurted out.

  He was momentarily startled and still. “You’re sure?” he asked, looking into her eyes.

  “Yes, I’m sure. I haven’t been to a doctor yet, but I’m sure. Andrew, I--”

  “Oh, Lilly!” he exclaimed, embracing her fiercely, covering her cheeks with kisses, running his hands all over her. He finally held her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. “Oh Lilly! Are you afraid? Worried?”

  “No,” she said, laughing a little bit. “I know it isn’t going to be easy…and I’ve upset the family, as you can imagine…but I feel wonderful and I’m happy. You?”

  “My God! As terrible a thing as it could be…Lord, I’ve always wanted a child, and I’ve never thought of anyone but you having my child! I tried to prevent it, but I always knew if I failed I would be overjoyed. The cottage!”

  “No,” she said, laughing again. “I meant to tell you at the cottage. I’m afraid you were wasting your time with all your safe measures. It must have happened right here where you were always careful.”

  He picked her up, spinning her around in carefree abandon. “Lilly, Lilly, how I love you. Don’t worry. You mustn’t worry. I’ll take care of you!”

  “Andrew! Put me down!”

  “Is Amanda loading her Flintwood?” he asked.

  “I wouldn’t tell them whose it is. Funny, with all the boring, stupid men I’ve been forced to dine with, your name didn’t come up. Even when I said my lover was married!”

  “Well, I’m sure they’ll find out. Not that I care. I’m proud, Lilly. I’ll do right by you. Both of you.”

  “Andrew, I knew you’d be happy! You mustn’t tell them, they’d be so angry with you. They would never believe that it was I who--”

  “I can transfer all my business to New York, Lilly. I’ll build you a house in the country. I’ll take care of you. The neighborhood won’t even know we’re not married.”

  Her eyes grew round. “Andrew, I don’t want to go to New York. The hotel--”

  “The hotel will be fine without you. You’re having my child-- you can’t stay in the hotel now.”

  “Of course I can. It’s my home, my work. I’ll manage. I suppose people will gossip, but they will always gossip. Sooner or later it will become dull. It just won’t matter that much for that long.”

  “Don’t be absurd. They would ask you questions, stare at you--”

  “Andrew, they stare at me now. When people don’t know what to make of me, they make something up. I don’t care. The hotel draws its own guests because it’s good. I don’t want to leave.”

  He put his arms around her waist. “Think about th
is, Lilly. You’re going to have a child, my child,” he said, his hand resting over her tummy. “Did you think you would just go on as always if this happened? You have to let me take care of you now.”

  “But I can take care of myself. I have plenty of money, and I have my work.”

  “Your family will be your work now. And I’ll be with you.”

  She laughed hollowly. “I wouldn’t survive without work,” she said. “You know that.”

  “That was before, darling,” he said, kissing her neck.

  “A house in the country?” she asked, frowning. But he didn’t see her frown.

  “A beautiful house in the country,” he murmured.

  “Just how many women do you propose to stash away in the country in your lifetime, Andrew? I’ll be the second…perhaps you have a number in mind.”

  He pulled away from her and looked at her face. “You know Brenda’s circumstances are special. And that will be resolved, as soon as possible.”

  “Do you suggest I go to the country, temporarily, until you can have your annulment or divorce? Then back to the hotel?”

  “Not actually,” he said, frowning himself. “Perhaps someday. Until we can be a real, legal family, we’ll do the best we can. We can’t be apart. Don’t you want a home to raise your children in?”

  “Children? I think there’s just this one!”

  “I thought you would want to be with me--especially now.”

  “Of course I want to be with you,” she said. “But I can’t be. You’re married, and I don’t want to be stowed away in the country until you can be married. It could take years!”

  “I told you ours was another kind of life. You said it was what you wanted.”

  “I wanted to be your mistress, not your property. I don’t like this idea any better than Grandmother’s solution--she would have me go to Europe and give away my child. Mama thinks I should make up some lie and pretend to have a husband just long enough to get caught. You want to hide me in the country. Can’t anyone just accept that it’s happened, I’m having a child? Lord, is gossip that important?”

  “You’re not giving us a lot of choices. What do you propose? To stay in the hotel doing what you do and--”

  “Well, Andrew, I don’t intend to parade around the foyer or grounds in a delicate condition, and I don’t plan to answer any questions. I suppose people will speculate, as they often do, but I’m only concerned about providing a good home for my--”

  “And my child? How am I to take care of my child?”

  “Until you can manage to marry me, I suppose you’ll have to remain a friend of the family--”

  “Friend of the family! Listen to what you’re saying!”

  “What do you want me to do? Oh never mind, you want me to grow fat in the country--at your haven, where you may visit as the man of the house and your child can call you Father, where the neighbors need not even know we’re not married! Andrew, I can wait. I can wait for years if need be, but darling, I can’t sit in the country and make believe you’re my--”

  “Wait? You mean to end it, now that you carry my child? Put me back into that friendly and hospitable mime as a family friend until we can publicly court?”

  “I can’t be having a lot of children and no husband,” she said, amazed by his anger.

  “Lilly, stop it. You always knew this could happen!”

  “I always knew I might become pregnant! I didn’t know everyone would have a plan to hide me away, each one worse than the last! I want to stay in my own home, doing my work, and if the time comes when you’re free to take your place in my life, you will be welcome!”

  “You knew that might never happen! You knew we might have to make do!”

  “We? How do you plan to make do? Your plan serves you very well. What do you have to sacrifice but a few dollars to have me sequestered away in secret, hidden from family and friends, breeding a lot of illegitimate children for you? You wouldn’t--”

  “If I were a woman who could come with child, I would! If I were a woman who chose an affair in lieu of a marriage, I would be willing to pay the price, meet the cost!”

  “I am meeting the cost, damn you! I’m going to give birth, protect my reputation and child as well as possible without a lot of lies, and wait for you. Why--why do people prefer lies to the truth? Wouldn’t it be better for us both if you are near and welcomed in the home where your child lives than to have an unhappy woman stuck away in the country?”

  “How do you suppose you’ll bear the shame of--”

  “I refuse to be ashamed! Damn it, don’t you see? There is no lie that will make life better than enduring whatever is said and loving my child! There is nothing that would be believed! I don’t intend to spit in their eyes--I only mean to carry on!”

  “And if word gets out that Lilly Armstrong is giving birth with no husband? How do you think that will sit with your precious hotel guests?”

  “I don’t care! If their prissy morals are outraged by my private behavior, let them find a better hotel! Let them try! Lord above, look how they snickered about Patricia! No one seems to mention the fact that Ned Armstrong was seen long after he was supposed to be dead, and Grandmother saved her status by marrying as quickly as possible. If society puts them all above me, to hell with them. If you think you’re going to tempt me into the country where I’ll be quiet and mannerly and not draw attention to the fact that I’m having a--” She stopped herself.

  “Lilly, how do you expect me to behave? Do you see me as a pleasant dinner guest, watching you round out? Will he call me ‘Uncle Andrew’ and bounce on my knee?”

  “The only reason I haven’t told it’s your baby is because I want you to be near. Andrew, I’m not ashamed that it’s you; I’m proud that it’s you I love. I hope that someday--”

  “What if I tell them? What if I confront the whole bunch, Lady Nesbitt and all? Then what will you do?”

  She lifted her chin. “My condition will be unchanged. You might be banned from the premises, the loss would be greater for you. That someday may be further than--”

  “There may never be a someday! Brenda’s sick, damn it! Don’t you know what could happen to her if I push too hard? Is that what you want from me?”

  “I never asked that of you. Never! You were the one who said that you were never married, that you were tricked and lied to and wanted to get free of it all. God, do you think I could love you as I do if you were the kind of man who couldn’t take care of her and forgive her?”

  “And if I had never uttered those words--that I wanted to be free? Then what would you be saying now?”

  “The same things,” she said, her voice trembling.

  “That we would now become friends? You made a commitment to me, God damn it!”

  “A commitment to love you! I wanted you! We never had any agreement about how I would handle a--”

  “You can’t walk away!”

  “How can you speak to me like this? I don’t understand you anymore. I’m not walking away from anything. I’m offering to deal with this alone and protect you as well! Protect you so that my outraged family won’t expel you, so you can be near your child.”

  “Near? A distant part of his life, a friendly part of yours!”

  “And it would be better to admit what I am to you, flee to some private, lonely country house, and go on and on forever? I can’t believe you’d ask that of me!”

  “Lilly, please,” he said. “Please, let me take care of you. Please don’t lock me away from my child this way.”

  “If you ask me to give up everything I’ve built, my family and my life, you can’t really love me. I love you, and I will always love you. But you take too much for granted.”

  “I believed you,” he said. “You seemed so sure of yourself, of what you wanted. Now--”

  “I’m still sure,” she said. She could feel her heart thumping with the pain of loss. She knew she couldn’t carry on with this affair as she had, she would have a child to rais
e and couldn’t keep adding siblings. But she had hope! Hope that in time he could be hers! She could be stronger than desire for the sake of Andrew’s child! She knew that she could wait for him, for years, if need be. She had not imagined this sort of end until she heard him explain how he would handle her and their child. “I didn’t want anything of you; I didn’t ask anything. I’m sorry for Brenda; I’m sorry for us. If you can’t stand beside me any other way than in a house in the country--I’m sorry, I wouldn’t survive. If my grandmother can only accept me if I flee and give away my child, if Mama can only accept a lie, a tale…I will be more alone than I thought.”

  “If you saw her, you’d understand! She’s mad, she’s sorry, she begs for forgiveness and is barely clinging to some kind of hope that she’ll get well!”

  “Her hope is you. Funny, we had that in common.”

  “Come away with me, Lilly. Just give me time,” he begged.

  “If I let you scuttle me off to the country, our affair will go on, just like this, forever.” She sighed, fighting tears. “I’m sorry, Andrew. I didn’t know it would be like this.”

  He reached for her and covered her lips with his; his kiss was brutal and filled with pain. Tears came to Lilly’s eyes. In spite of herself, she clung to him. “Can you live without this better than me, Lilly?” he asked her, his hand running up her rib cage and covering a breast. “All we’ve had, all we’ve been and shared together--can you so easily brush me aside and demand I act like a family friend while I watch my child grow up without me?”

  She shook her head, and the tears came loose. “No,” she said in a breath.

  “I gave you everything I had. I never lied to you. You knew what I had to deal with!”

  “I said I would wait. I didn’t say where or how.”

  “You could wait with me!”

  She shook her head. “No,” she said. “I’ll wait at home. As best I can.”

  “How can you betray me while you carry my child?” he asked pleadingly.