Jagged Ink

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Nothing’s going to change right now, Carter. It can’t. You need to be healthy, you need to heal. And so, I’m going to help you with that.”

  “Then you’re going to kick me out?”

  She swallowed a breath.

  “No, don’t answer that. We don’t need to talk about that. I’ll get healthy, heal up as quickly as I can, and then I’ll leave. You always loved this house, and I’m not going to stay in it if you don’t want me here.” Then he turned around and moved past her. He didn’t even touch her as he walked through the doorway. She wondered why she wasn’t crying. Wondered why it didn’t hurt more.

  Shouldn’t it hurt when your heart was breaking? Shouldn’t it hurt when everything you thought you knew was over?

  Why wasn’t she crying? Why couldn’t she cry for her husband, the man that she thought she loved?

  She’d cried for her sister, and Thea wasn’t even as hurt as Carter was. She teared up at commercials and telephone calls that got to be too much. She shed tears at songs and memories.

  But she couldn’t cry when it mattered. She couldn’t cry when he walked past her like she was a stranger. She couldn’t cry when everything she thought she wanted was sifting through her fingertips.

  Maybe there was a reason for that.

  Maybe she had just told herself that this is what she wanted, and now that it wasn’t working out the way it should have, her mind and heart just didn’t care.

  But it hurt, it hurt so much.

  It pained her that there was something wrong with her, something deep down that she couldn’t fix. And she didn’t think staying here, staying past the time that Carter was healed would change that.

  Because, no matter what, she was still going to hate herself in the end.

  Maybe more than Carter hated her.

  Carter got into bed, slowly, and with a pained look on his face. So, she moved closer to him and pulled the blankets back before helping him in. That forced her to put her hand on his side, and his shoulder. His body was so hot, the heat radiating from him and almost scorching her palm.

  He was always fit, muscled yet lean. She’d always loved the way he looked, the way he felt when he was above her.

  She had worshiped his body, much like he had worshiped hers, and it was hard remembering that she was walking away from this, leaving before he could.

  He froze at her touch at first, and then let her help him into bed.

  That was when she knew that he had to be hurting because he didn’t let anyone help him.

  He was so self-sufficient, so good at making sure everything he did was precise. He never let Roxie help him with anything, so the fact that he was letting her help him right then meant he was hurting.

  Even though she didn’t want to see him in pain, didn’t want to even think about it, she’d never thought Carter was a man to give up.

  No, that was all her.

  She was the one giving up. Giving up before it hurt any more than it already did.

  “Can I get you something to eat or drink, anything?”

  He shook his head then winced. “Maybe some of my pain meds. I think I’m on the schedule for that, right?”

  She nodded and then pulled out her phone so she could look at the timing. “You’re right, we’re actually a little bit past. That’s why you’re probably hurting as much as you are. Let me go get those for you. But don’t you need something in your stomach for that?”

  “I guess I do. I can go get it, though,” Carter said as he tried to get back out of bed.

  She put her hands on his shoulders, not really using any pressure, but he didn’t fight her.

  He never fought her.

  Maybe that was the problem.

  “I can get you some soup, and we have those crackers that you like. Just give me a few minutes. I have a protein shake for you too if you want to take that with your pills instead. That way, you can get something quick?”

  “Sounds good to me.” He wasn’t looking at her, and she just wanted to break down right then. But like always, she didn’t. She couldn’t.

  He looked like he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t even look at her. Was it because he hated her or was it because of something else? She couldn’t think of anything else it could possibly be, though. Not when she could see the look on his face. She couldn’t read him, not like she needed to, but there was something different about him. Something that said that as soon as he could get out of this bed easily, it would be over.

  And she wasn’t going to break down because of that.

  She couldn’t let herself break down because of that.

  And while part of her wanted to lean down and brush her lips over his forehead, she didn’t.

  So, she walked away and went to the kitchen. She just wanted to tell Carter something, let him know that everything would be okay, that she didn’t want to leave him because she didn’t want him anymore.

  But telling someone to talk it out was easy. Actually talking it out was harder. And figuring out what to say meant figuring out that Roxie wasn’t what he wanted. And she didn’t think she could handle that.

  So, she walked away, knowing that she would walk away again soon, and this time, she wouldn’t be coming back.

  That’s when the tears fell. Slowly but surely, that’s when she started to break.

  But she wasn’t broken yet.

  Chapter 3

  Montgomery dinners had gone from awkward because he was the new guy, to a sense of home because they’d taken him in as one of their own.

  Now, Carter wasn’t sure what to make of them, he just knew that he wanted to be anywhere but sitting on the couch with the rest of them, trying not to stare. His body hurt. His head hurt even more from the effort it took to act like everything was normal. And he was pretty sure his heart was so numb at this point, he couldn’t feel anything at all.

  It had been almost a month since he was discharged, and while he was getting there in terms of his recovery, he still didn’t have all the energy he needed to make it through the days without feeling as if he’d been run over by a truck.

  He did his PT, and he had near-full range of movement, but he couldn’t stand for eight hours a day and work. He couldn’t do what he needed to do in order to pack up his things and leave before Roxie forced him out.

  And he couldn’t tell a damn soul that it was over. That the papers were ready to be signed, and all he had to do was leave his life’s blood on the line, mix it with ink, and end what he’d thought was his future.

  He’d spent almost a month in the guest room, not sleeping next to Roxie, not feeling her body along his, not sensing the heat of her as she slept. Before he’d moved down to the guest room after the accident, watching her sleep was the only way he saw her look relaxed. She was always so stressed out, and he used to think it had to do with her work. Over time, however, he figured it had to be because of him.

  It had been a long month in which Carter had just tried to heal and figure out what the fuck he was going to do next. His body wasn’t as badly damaged as he had feared, but his heart? His soul? That had taken one blow after another, and he was afraid he wouldn’t like the man he became when he came out of it.

  Now he sat on the couch, his leg propped up even though he could put almost all of his weight on it now, but he had done what Roxie wanted because she had asked. She had looked at him with those wide eyes of hers and asked him to sit down and stay out of the way. So, he had.

  Maybe she’d asked because she didn’t want him to hurt himself, or perhaps it was because she didn’t want to have to look at him when they were keeping so many secrets from the others.

  Because from what he could tell, not a single person in this family, in this house, knew that she had asked him for a divorce.

  No, that wasn’t right. Roxie hadn’t asked him. She had requested the divorce papers and didn’t even have the decency to give them to him. But that wasn’t really fair, was it? Not while they had shown up out of the bl
ue. Maybe she’d had plans, ones that he just didn’t know about. Regardless, it wasn’t like he knew what the fuck he was doing. Everything was just so damn complicated, and he was tired. Tired of figuring out what she wanted, tired of figuring out what he wanted.

  He just needed to heal, and then he would deal with things. He would take care of things much better than he had in the past because not doing so made things happen the way they did. Not dealing with things had put them in the position they were in right now.

  “You’re sitting here looking like hell warmed over,” Mace said as he took a seat on the wooden coffee table near Carter.

  “I thought the saying was death warmed over.”

  “True, but I try not to say death when it comes to you since you got so close.” Mace winked as he said it, though Carter knew the other man had been worried. Hell, the whole family had been concerned. He didn’t blame them since it had scared the shit out of him, too, but he was tired of being the invalid in the house.

  “I wasn’t that close,” Carter argued. “And you’d rather say hell in the Montgomery house?

  Mace snorted. “Well, have you met any of these people? Cursing is pretty much part of the normal language.”

  Carter shifted on the couch, a small smile playing on his face. “That is true.” The Montgomerys were loud, brash, and caring. Somehow, they mixed all of that together and made it work. Made Carter miss the days when he actually had a family of his own. But Roxie was his family now…for however long he had her. That meant the Montgomerys were his, too. Though not for long.

  Mace let out a breath. “The others are just in the kitchen getting things ready and talking. You can come in there, you know.”

  Carter shook his head. “No, I really can’t.”

  “All you have to do is take the first step, Carter.”

  Carter knew Mace was talking about more than just walking into the kitchen. But the other man didn’t know how everything had changed, how everything was going to shift even more as soon as Carter could stand on his feet for longer than an hour.

  Because he was almost completely healed, even if he were lying down just then—mostly to appease Roxie. As soon as he was completely better, everything would change again. And he didn’t think the Montgomerys were going to welcome him back with open arms after that. They weren’t going to invite him back into the house as if he belonged there. Because Roxie was the reason he was allowed within these walls. They may take in strays with other non-family members, but that wasn’t how Carter fit into this. He was Roxie’s husband, and therefore, allowed to walk these hallowed halls.

  But without Roxie? Carter would be on his own again. He was good at that. After all, other than his shop, he hadn’t really had anything before he set eyes on Roxie Montgomery and had fallen hard and fast.

  Probably too hard, and too fast.

  But that was the problem with him, he never did things in half measures. Apparently, Roxie was the same.

  And now they were facing the consequences.

  “Okay, are you allowed to have wine or beer with your meds?” Adrienne asked as she walked into the living room, a beer in one hand, a glass of wine in the other. She handed both over to Mace and winked. “If you can’t have either, I’m sure Mace can take care of them both.”

  Mace rolled his eyes. “Thank you, dear woman. Or should I say my woman? I kind of like calling you my woman.”

  Adrienne narrowed her eyes at her fiancé. “You keep calling me your woman in that caveman tone, I might have to…” She paused, looking over at Carter before blushing. Adrienne never blushed, and Carter had a feeling that whatever she’d been about to say was something he didn’t really want to hear.

  “Never mind, I’m just going to walk away and…”

  Carter held up his hands. “Don’t walk away on my account. I’m just standing here, or rather laying here, wondering what’s for dinner. And what you guys are all talking about. And I’ll have that beer. I’m not on pain meds anymore.” That had been both his decision and his doctor’s. Hell, he was pretty much back to normal, but dreading the point where he’d be able to face himself in the mirror before he told Roxie that fact. “Mace can have the wine.”

  Mace handed over the beer, and Carter took a swig. “I’ll have you know, I like wine.” Mace sipped after he’d tilted his glass toward Carter in cheers. “Plus, the Montgomerys always have good wine.”

  “That is true. The Montgomerys do know how to put on a party.”

  Adrienne gave Carter a look, and he knew he was probably going to lose his mind soon. He didn’t talk much, and when he did, he either grunted out words or rambled. Other than with Roxie, that was. When he was with her, he felt like he was himself. At least that’s how it used to be. At first, she had intimidated him with her looks, her attitude, and just with the way she was. She was damned good at everything she did, except when it came to painting, but that was just a joke between the sisters.

  But she was so good at everything that Carter sometimes felt like he was trying to catch up, like he wasn’t good enough for her. But that had always been the case when it came to how he felt about Roxie. And he couldn’t help the fact that sometimes his feelings were still in the way of everything. But there was no going back now. He couldn’t.

  The silence stretched, and Mace leaned toward Adrienne. “So, what was that about me calling you woman? My woman?” Mace asked, his voice a growl. But he was smiling, so Carter knew that he was just putting on a show for him. Carter didn’t mind, he was bored as fuck lying on this couch. He missed his job, even though he’d been back for a few days now, working in the office and getting caught up. His guys had kept the place running, but now he was in danger of being in the red if he didn’t work his ass off. And that meant long hours.

  Long hours once he was healthy. But that meant not being with Roxie.

  Shit.

  “I was going to say that if you call me your woman like that…maybe, you’d like it if I kicked you in the shin instead,” Adrienne said, her voice sweet. A little too sweet.

  “That’s not what you were going to say.”

  “But it’s what I’m saying now.”

  Adrienne turned to Carter, her blush high as she cleared her throat. “We can set you up in the kitchen if you want. You don’t have to stay in here and wait for us to come back.” She winced. “Roxie’s up to her elbows in potatoes, or she would be out here I’m sure.”

  Carter knew that was a lie, but he wasn’t going to correct Adrienne. “I’m just fine out here.”

  “No, you’re not.” Adrienne looked him right in the eyes then, and Carter just wanted to tell her that she should stop trying. Because Roxie had. And he wasn’t going to cling to a family and an idea of a relationship that wasn’t there anymore. It wasn’t the fact that he had any self-respect, because he wasn’t sure he did anymore. It was more the idea that he wasn’t going to force himself into a life that didn’t want him.

  And if it didn’t want him, then he wasn’t sure he would like himself if he tried to stay.

  “Okay, dears, dinner’s almost ready, and we are going to move you into the dining room,” Mrs. Montgomery said as she hurried into the living room.

  Carter had always loved Roxie’s parents. They were welcoming and open. Yes, they always wanted to know more about him, even if it was a little prying at times, but he had married their baby girl, and that meant he had to deal with the interrogations. It didn’t mean that he was going to tell them everything, though. There really wasn’t much to say.

  He was just Carter Marshall. Orphan, all alone in a big world of seemingly endless Montgomerys, and about to walk away from their daughter because she wanted it. He wasn’t going to stay where he wasn’t wanted. Had never stayed, even in the days where it would’ve been easier to do so.

  So, he may not hate himself in the morning, but he may hate himself later.

  “I can get there on my own,” Carter said, keeping his voice light. “I was just enjoying this c
ouch here a little too much.” He tried to smile as he said it, but he knew from the way that Mace looked at him that it hadn’t reached his eyes.

  Carter was in a shitty mood, and it was just going to get worse as he finished up healing and waited to take that next step where he walked away from everything. But he couldn’t really blame Roxie for delivering the papers, could he? Because they had walked away from each other emotionally long before this. The physical paperwork was just a formality at this point.

  “Well, if you say so, but we’re still going to move you into the dining room. Because Roxie’s mashed potatoes are almost done, and my roast is exquisite.”

  Carter smiled then, his mouth watering. “I sure do love your roasts. My favorite thing that you make.”

  He was going to miss it when he couldn’t get it anymore.

  He was going to miss a lot of things.

  “Oh, I know it’s your favorite, that’s why I made it today. It’s your first Montgomery dinner since everything happened. And it’s about time you get everything you want.”

  Mace helped Carter up from the couch so he could get to his walker. He didn’t really need it at this point because he was almost finished healing, but it made everyone feel better when he used it. “Thanks, Mrs. Montgomery.”

  He thought about her words as he slowly trudged his way to the dining room. Everything he wanted? He already had that.

  But now he was going to lose it.

  No, he’d already lost it.

  Because he was a fucking idiot.

  He’d lost it even though he didn’t know how he ever had it in the first place. Lost it because he wasn’t sure that he was strong enough to hold onto it.

  He had thought they were on rocky ground before, but as he took his seat at the table, Roxie taking the chair next to him because that was where she always sat, and sitting anywhere else would just put a big red flag on their failing relationship, Carter wondered why it hurt so much.

  Was it really supposed to hurt like this?

  He had known something like this was coming for months now. They had just started to drift apart to the point where he wasn’t even sure who Roxie and Carter were anymore. Seeing that it wasn’t truly that big of a surprise, why did it hurt so much?