Jagged Ink

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  He’d regret this.

  He knew it.

  He’d regret this.

  And he’d break.

  The first fracture was already there.

  The next was on its way.

  Chapter 6

  Pain stabbed through Roxie’s side, but she pushed through, focusing on her breathing and the burning in her legs rather than her lungs. She just had to remember that she enjoyed this sort of thing—or was learning to enjoy it.

  She used to cross-country ski when she was in high school and then into college, but had promptly quit when she got a job and put her all into her work. That meant it had been more than a few years since she’d been on skis, and her body was punishing her for it.

  She let out a breath, moving her arms and legs in a tempo she could sustain for the rest of this uphill climb, all the while thinking that she was going to love the downhill part since that meant less burning in her lungs. At least, theoretically.

  She’d joined the weekend team a month ago and hadn’t looked back. She worked five days a week, ten to twelve hours a day, and on weekends when she wasn’t burying herself in paperwork, she was out here on the mountain. She’d lived in Colorado all her life and realized she had taken the mountains and their beauty for granted.

  She’d taken a lot for granted it seemed.

  No, she wasn’t going to think about that. She didn’t want to think about anything that would pull her focus from her training and the fun she had while doing something for herself. So, she moved into her breathing and made her way to the top of the hill, the others at her side or in front of her.

  She wasn’t the fastest at this, and frankly, she was probably the slowest one out here, but that was fine by her. Oddly fine, in fact. Because they’d had years of training, and she was just getting back into it. She didn’t have to compete with them, only herself. And for someone who had to compete with everything, including her family when it came to hobbies for freak’s sake, she counted that as growth.

  It probably helped that she’d sunk into herself and had only been thinking about work and cross-country skiing for the past month. She’d ignored calls, emails, texts, and people coming over who were trying to soothe her when all she wanted to do was ignore the world and try to find something that she could actually do without failing.

  If it took freezing temperatures, snow all around her, and burning lungs and muscles to do that, then she’d take it.

  Because she was so damn scared of what would happen when she no longer focused on the hill in front of her and instead locked on the ones behind her—waiting, always waiting.

  Roxie pushed again, enjoying the cool wind on her face and the fact that it sort of burned, just not the same type of burn the rest of her experienced. She was going to hurt tomorrow, that much she knew, but it would be worth it. Because she was doing okay. She would be okay. Because she had to be.

  She looked to her right and smiled at the man next to her. She couldn’t see his eyes since both of them were wearing dark sunglasses, but she had a feeling he winked. Liam always winked. He liked pretending that everything was fine, just like she feigned. That was why they got along. He was the reason she was even on this team, the reason she had been able to find this place—and maybe try to find a part of herself again.

  He was the only family member that she saw with regularity these days, Liam Montgomery, her cousin from Boulder. He drove over an hour south to come down here and cross-country ski with her, even though he had a cabin up in the woods near Boulder, and there were closer places for him to work out like this. There were other teams that would probably work better for him, too.

  But he came down here for her and hadn’t said a word to her about the fact that her marriage was over or that Carter had left a month ago. He hadn’t asked her how she was doing, hadn’t asked her if she had spoken to her husband.

  She hadn’t.

  Liam hadn’t asked her anything, just said that he was joining a new team up in the mountains near her and that every Saturday and Sunday he would be out here doing something that she used to do and love. He hadn’t even invited her, had just said that was what he would be doing. And she had shown up.

  And so now she and her cousin were part of this cross-country team that wasn’t really a team but rather a group of people who did something they liked to do and were decently good at. Nobody was going to be joining the Olympic team, or even trying out for medals. A lot of them had former injuries or weren’t really athletes. Not in the strictest sense of the word anyway. But they were all enjoying it, and the weather had been cooperating for the last month for this to happen. Roxie was actually surprised that it had considering the time of year it was. She didn’t want to think about Valentine’s Day and how it had gone…or rather, how she’d ignored it with everything she had.

  She was just going up this next hill, and then down the other side, and then she’d head to her car. Because she was exhausted and really just wanted to go home.

  But that wasn’t even really the case, was it? She didn’t want to go home. She hated her home. She hated the fact that the walls seemed to talk to her, even as they were completely still and silent. She swore she could hear Carter’s voice, could hear his laughter, and she hated it. She didn’t hate his voice, didn’t hate his laugh, she just hated that they weren’t there anymore. She hated that every time she turned around, she saw something that was Carter, something that reminded her of what they used to have. Something that reminded her that he wasn’t there anymore.

  She had been the one to request the papers. She was the one who started this.

  But he had left.

  She didn’t know why she hated herself for that. Didn’t know why she hated him at the same time. It didn’t make any sense. Because they’d both made choices. Why did Roxie feel like she needed to blame somebody for it?

  But that was life. That was hearts. And nothing made sense now that everything had changed around her.

  Roxie turned away from Liam then and made her way up the hill and then down the back side. By the time they were all at their cars, laughing and joking, drinking their hot cocoa or coffee and their buckets of water at this point, she didn’t know what to say. She never really knew what to say with this group of people. No one really knew her outside of being Liam’s cousin and a woman that wanted to learn how to cross-country ski again. They didn’t know her past, they didn’t know that she was an accountant and worked long hours. They didn’t know that she was the youngest of four, or that there were so many Montgomery cousins that it was a little ridiculous. They didn’t know that her husband had left her. They didn’t know any of that. So, there was no pity in their eyes, though there were some questions.

  But nobody really asked them. Nobody really asked anybody anything. It was as if every single person on this team had secrets and they didn’t want to venture out and see exactly what the others were hiding. And Roxie was just fine with that. Being in a group of people that didn’t feel sorry for her because she was alone was actually quite refreshing. It helped her not think about the fact that she was alone.

  And, yes, she needed to think about that. She needed to actually give Carter the papers and have him sign them.

  She needed to sign them herself.

  She needed to talk to Carter and figure out what they were going to do with the house and all of their stuff.

  Because it wasn’t just her stuff. It was theirs. They had worked on most of the house together. They had bought most of the things in that place together. Yes, their marriage had been short, but she had thought they’d put a lot into it in the time they had together.

  Now, she didn’t know what to do. And she hated that.

  “You’re thinking too hard again over there,” Liam said, his voice low. She looked up at him, at that chiseled jaw and those piercing blue eyes. He had a hat on his head, but she knew he had a full head of dark brown hair that curled when it got a little too long.

  Women flocked to Liam
Montgomery, to the point where she wasn’t sure if he would ever settle down. Not that she wanted him to, because she didn’t know if she truly believed in the concept. Yes, some of her cousins and all of her siblings had found the loves of their lives. And Roxie had thought she had done that, as well. But she had failed at it. Tremendously.

  So, she wasn’t about to go and believe in anything that naturally happened again.

  Not when she was purposely ignoring the ache in her heart—and her body at this point.

  “I’m fine. Guess just a little tired since we went a little fast up that last hill.”

  Liam gave her a look that told her he didn’t believe anything she had just said, but he didn’t comment on it. Because that was Liam. He was just there for her. Just there. And that’s what she needed right then.

  She would put on her big-girl panties and face what she needed to, but not right then.

  Now, she just needed time to breathe. And Liam would give that to her. When she did find those big-girl panties and pulled them on, then she’d face the rest of her family. And those pitying looks. Maybe even the judging ones. Because her family loved her, but they also wanted her to have the life that she couldn’t have anymore. And she didn’t quite know what to do with that.

  “So, do you want to get some lunch before we head back to our respective homes?” Liam asked, twisting the cap back onto his water bottle before tossing it into the back of his vehicle.

  They were each sitting in the backs of their SUVs with the hatches up, so they weren’t truly sitting next to one another, but they were close enough. Others were starting to pack up and leave, waving and saying their goodbyes as they drove off. She and Liam were the last two left, and she had a feeling Liam was only staying because he was watching out for her.

  So, he may not ask her any questions, and he may not crowd her, but he never really left her alone either. She had no idea if Liam had come down to ask her to cross-country ski because one of her family members had asked him to, or if he’d really just come down on his own. She honestly didn’t want to know the answer, so she would never ask him. She was just sad he was there at all. Because despite the fact that she was the one who had asked for the divorce, she did not want to be alone, and the fact that Liam had to be there for her just meant that she’d made too many mistakes.

  And while that might be a weakness, she didn’t care. She had enough weaknesses, what was one more? One of the main ones: not being strong enough to actually ask the questions she needed to.

  And…that was enough of that.

  “I could eat. Actually, I probably should eat. I don’t know if I have anything in my house. I should probably go shopping.”

  Liam just shook his head, a sad smile on his face. “Okay. So, what we’re going to do is go out to lunch, and then we’re going to go get some staples from the grocery store.”

  He paused.

  “Not the metal ones, like actual staples that you need in your house to eat. And then you’re going to go home and do what you need to do, and you’re also going to do this thing called online grocery shopping. It’s this amazing new invention where you don’t actually have to leave your house for food to come to you. It’s one of my favorite things. Because I hate people. You know this. I hate people, I hate lines, and I hate carts coming out of nowhere and hitting me in the knees. They always hit me in the knees. Why is that?”

  Roxie shook her head, a smile playing on her face. “You are a dork, Liam.”

  “Of course, I am. I’m a Montgomery. It’s sort of what we do. But, anyway, you need food in your house, Roxie. You need to eat. You need to take care of yourself. And I’m not going to tell you why, because you know that. But you do need to take care of yourself. And if you’re not going to do it, then someone needs to come in and do it for you, and I know that’s not what you want. It may be what you need, but then again, we don’t talk about that, do we?”

  Roxie narrowed her eyes at him and threw back the rest of her cooling coffee. “Liam.”

  He held up his hands, a smile plastered on his face again. “All I’m saying is that we’re going to go get some food, and then we’re going to get some more food, and then we’re going to order even more food. And maybe some cleaning supplies. I don’t know, maybe something like a trash bag. I have no idea what you need in that house. But I bet you haven’t taken a look in the past month. So, do what you need to do, and I’ll be right there beside you, not saying a word.”

  She glared. “You sure are talking a lot right now for a man not saying a word.”

  “I can shut up when I need to. But I don’t need to right now. And no one else is around us to overhear and have questions and want to ask you exactly what we’re talking about. Because we’re not actually talking about what we’re talking about, so I guess that makes sense.”

  “Nothing you’re saying makes sense.” Of course, it did, but she wasn’t actually going to let Liam know that.

  “Well, if you’re going to be nasty about it, I can actually say the name that you don’t want me to say. Ask the questions that I’m pointedly not asking you.”

  This time, it was she who held up her hands in surrender. “Let’s go eat. I can do with a steak. And eggs. Like really good breakfast food.”

  “That’s my girl.” Liam hopped off the back of his SUV and came forward to kiss her hard on the forehead. “I love you, Roxie. You’re one of my favorite family members, even if I don’t get to see you that often. And, yeah, the drive down here is a bitch, and I hate the fact that I have to wake up way too fucking early on the weekends to do it. But I’ll do it every day that you need me to. Okay? Because I hate this for you. I hate all of this. You are so much stronger than you think you are, though. You just need to find that strength. So, we’re going to go get you some steak and eggs because that sounds fucking fabulous right now. And then we’re going to take care of the rest of the stuff that I can help you with. Because I love you, Roxie. Don’t forget that. You are loved. You have always been loved. And you always will be loved. And I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

  Roxie wiped the tears from her face, angry with herself for letting them fall. She had to stop crying. She was better at doing it in private but letting the tears fall in front of someone else just hurt. Because she didn’t want Liam to know the depth of her pain. Didn’t want anyone to know that she was broken inside. That she was an empty wasteland. She hated this.

  Why couldn’t she just be okay?

  Why couldn’t everything just be back to the way it was?

  But, then again, what point did she want to go back to? The time before she had met Carter? When she had been alone but hadn’t known what love—or loss—really was? She swallowed the bile surging up her throat and hugged her cousin before hopping off the back of her SUV just like he had. He closed the hatch for her, and she cleared her throat. He was always doing that, helping her even when she felt like she could do it herself.

  Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she just thought that she needed to do everything herself. More than one person had told her that. And she had ignored them. Because it was easier to ignore them than think about what was wrong with her. Think about what was so unlovable about her.

  She hiccupped a sob and started her SUV. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this. She didn’t want to be like this. But she didn’t know any other way. Not anymore.

  They found a diner on the way to her place, and she was happy that they were able to find a booth considering how busy it was. She didn’t see anyone she knew, and she was grateful for that. Her neighbors had been very cautious about not asking her why Carter’s truck wasn’t in the driveway anymore. But she had seen the looks. Thankfully, she worked long enough hours that she rarely saw anyone. But it was getting a little harder to hide the fact that her husband had walked out. No, that wasn’t right. He left because she forced him out. He left, because she let him walk away.

  “Are you sure you don’t want a side of pancakes? Beca
use I think sugar heals all.” Liam sipped his coffee, his eyes bright over the mug.

  She shook her head. “I’m going to have steak and eggs and hash browns and everything greasy that’s bad for you, but I’m not going to add extra sugar on top of that. Because I can have fats, but sugars are so not good for my hips.”

  He snorted. “I don’t think you’ve ever had a problem with your weight, Roxie. Don’t start now. Between all the cross-country skiing and your stress with your job, I’m pretty sure you’ve already lost too much weight. So, you’re going to eat that whole fucking steak.”

  She winced and looked around to make sure no one had heard him curse. “Watch your language, Montgomery.”

  “You’re the one who’s making me curse, Montgomery-Marshall.”

  She froze. Wondering why he had said that name. She had hyphenated her surname because she loved being a Montgomery, but she’d wanted to show that she loved Carter, as well. Neither of them had said her actual last name in the past month. They hadn’t mentioned Carter’s name, and they had done their best not to talk about any of it. But, apparently, a month was just too much for Liam, and he was done tiptoeing around the subject. He wasn’t going full-force, but he was laying down enough truth at this point that it was getting harder to ignore.

  And Roxie really did not like it.

  She raised her chin. “I’m not losing too much weight. I’m doing just fine. I’m just not going to add excess sugar to my diet if I don’t need to.” The words were clipped, and she knew it.

  Of course, she knew her clothes were a little too baggy right then, but she couldn’t help it. Between tax season and Carter, it was hard for her to actually think about shoving food down her throat so she could remain healthy. She was eating, getting exactly what she needed, or at least that’s what she had thought. Yet, it wasn’t enough, so Liam was calling her out on it.