Jagged Ink

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Maybe that’s why she’d ended her life at the age of twenty-seven. Just a year younger than me.

  The four of us had been friends since high school, Sienna and I being close for far longer since we were sisters. We were all in the same two grades and became fast friends. We had even gone to the same college, and all stayed in Denver to retain our friendship.

  I knew that not everybody had that ability. With the way everybody kept moving for their careers and the way the world seemed to become a smaller place, most people didn’t have their childhood friends in their lives. But I was lucky. I had been able to keep my three best friends by my side throughout my pain—and theirs. We had grown together, lived together.

  But now, there was only three.

  We had lost our fourth.

  And I didn’t know what the next step was.

  Whispers brought me out of my thoughts, and I tried not to feel selfish. I was so busy worrying about myself and how I was going to feel that I couldn’t really think about the world without Allison in it.

  Every single person around me had been connected to her.

  My brother, Mace, was here, standing right behind me with his fiancée, Adrienne, at his side. He hadn’t brought their little girl Daisy with them, as they hadn’t known how she would react at a funeral, being so young. I understood that, though Daisy had known Allison.

  I had been in the room when Mace explained to his daughter that Allison wouldn’t be able to come back for another tea party. That she wasn’t going to attend another Thanksgiving like she had the past couple of years.

  I didn’t cry as I remembered these things, although my eyes did burn.

  Why couldn’t I cry? I should be crying.

  Sienna was crying. Harmony was crying. Adrienne was crying.

  My mom was sniffling on Mace’s other side, my dad putting his arm around her shoulders as he held her close. I had witnessed that as I turned to look before, but I knew he would still be there, comforting her.

  My parents were sweet, amazing, and they had loved Allison like their own daughter.

  And now, Allison wouldn’t be coming home.

  She wouldn’t be doing anything.

  Allison’s parents stood on the other side of the casket, crying into their handkerchiefs. They were poised, prim, and a little separate from the rest of the world. They had been that way long before they heard that their daughter wasn’t going to wake up again. I remembered going over to spend the night at Allison’s house when we were in high school. Her parents were nice but very reserved. Though that didn’t mean they were bad parents. They were wonderful, and Allison had loved them. I just didn’t think they had known their daughter as well as maybe my parents knew me.

  But, then again, I hadn’t known Allison the way I probably should have either.

  Maybe I would have seen it if I had. Maybe I would have been able to stop it. Or, maybe, I was being selfish again and just needed to stop and breathe.

  Others began talking, and I knew we would soon be moving from the cemetery to the wake at Allison’s parent’s home. They had a large house that could hold everybody so we could eat, drink, and maybe laugh at some memories.

  I didn’t know if I could do any of that, though.

  I had only been to one funeral before—Harmony’s husband, Moyer.

  I didn’t even know if I remembered that as clearly as I should. And I never asked Harmony if she did. I always felt like I shouldn’t. There were some things you just didn’t talk about until the time was right. I just didn’t know when that time would be.

  My gaze traveled over the rest of the mourners, and then I sucked in a breath.

  I should have known they would be here.

  Of course, they would be here.

  The Connolly brothers had known Allison almost as well as the Knight siblings and Harmony did. Even if they hadn’t been in our lives for a few years, the Connolly brothers had been part of our crew when we were in college and were very much part of Allison’s life back in high school.

  I let out a shaky breath, willing the guys not to look up and meet my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t study them, shouldn’t look at them. But I hadn’t seen them in so long, even though I knew they had moved back to Denver.

  Everybody in our circle had known.

  There was Brendon, the eldest, and the one in a neatly cut suit. I knew he grieved. He had been friends with Allison just like his brothers. But I didn’t really know him all that well. I didn’t know how he felt, but I was glad he was here just the same.

  Because that meant Allison wasn’t alone.

  None of us were.

  Next to Brendon stood Aiden, his hair a little messy, grief clear on his face.

  I finally felt a tear fall and quickly wiped it away as Sienna squeezed my hand, letting out a sob of her own.

  Aiden and Allison had been the couple in high school and into college. They had eventually broken up, not because they hated each other, but because they hadn’t been right for each other. That was what Allison had always told me anyway, and I believed it. Aiden had moved on, maybe not to other women, but to other parts of his life. I knew he had gone to culinary school and was a chef somewhere now, but I hadn’t really heard much about him since he and Allison broke up.

  But now he was here, watching the first love of his life fade away into the darkness.

  Another boy was standing on his other side, an older teenager. He had the look of the Connollys, but I had never seen him before.

  After the Connollys’ father had passed away, I hadn’t known there were more foster brothers added to the family. The other three had been adopted in high school, though Aiden and his twin, Cameron, were biological brothers, as well. Maybe the boy I didn’t recognize wasn’t a brother at all. Perhaps he was just a friend. And maybe it was none of my business since I had no idea what they were all up to these days.

  My gaze traveled to the right of the young man, and my jaw tightened.

  The final brother.

  Cameron. That Cameron.

  The one that had broken my heart and walked away as if he hadn’t known that he held it at all. He still looked as sexy as ever with his dark hair brushed back from his face and his beard just past scruff. Today, he wore a suit just like his brothers, but I had never known Cameron to live in one like Brendon did. Even Aiden wore suits more than Cameron.

  Cameron was rough. Edgy. Dangerous.

  He was a man that I hated, the first man I had ever loved, the first for a lot of things. And he was here. In my presence. I wasn’t going to be selfish and make this all about me, but I hated that he was here. I didn’t like that I had to see him today of all days.

  But I would push that thought out of my head because today was not about me. It was all about Allison. Today was about my best friend.

  I pulled my gaze away from the Connollys and focused on what came next. We made our way to the cars and then to Allison’s parents’ house. All the while, a drum beat behind my eyes started, telling me that a migraine was coming on. I quickly popped a pill and then chugged the water that Sienna handed over to me without asking. I knew that I would be incapacitated later, but maybe it was something I deserved.

  I hadn’t had a migraine in over two weeks, but this one was coming for me soon. That much I knew. Though with everything that had happened, I was surprised that it hadn’t come on sooner.

  It was going to hurt, but maybe I needed that pain.

  We walked through the halls of the home that Allison had grown up in, the house we had all slept in a time or two. We had gotten ready for our junior prom here, although my sister had been in the grade below us and was only allowed to attend because she was going with a junior boy. Somehow, we had made it work so we could go to almost every dance together, even when we left Sienna behind in high school.

  Today I walked through these halls again, looking at the photos of a young Allison on the walls.

  My fingers traced the edge of one of the frames, and I let o
ut a deep breath.

  Everything was going to be okay. Because it had to be. Life would move on. It always did.

  I just didn’t want it to move on without my best friend.

  I walked to where the food was, where everybody was gathered and talking. It wasn’t that the whispers had gotten any louder, but maybe it was just that I was finally listening.

  “I heard she took pills,” a voice said from far off in the distance.

  “Yes, then drowned herself in the bathtub,” another voice said, equally as vicious but still almost sickly sweet.

  “You know, I heard the police found no note. They don’t know how she did it. We don’t know exactly how she did it. And nobody knows why. Maybe her friends do.”

  I ignored that last voice, or at least I tried to.

  Then there was another.

  “You know, it does seem out of the blue. But maybe if we keep looking, we’ll see what happened. I mean, no one just does this.”

  I swallowed hard and then took a few steps away. My hands were shaking, and I tried not to listen to any more of the murmurs.

  Of course, there would be speculation. Of course, there would be whispers. Allison was bright and cheery and far more energetic than any of them or us.

  Gossip had run rampant when Harmony’s young husband died, but we had pulled through. We stood together as a team, the four of us, and made sure that Harmony knew that she was never alone.

  And I was going to do the same thing now. So, I took a few steps towards Sienna and Harmony. The three of us grabbed hands, standing in a circle that was one shy of what it used to be. It was odd. I could actually feel the distance between us growing because there wasn’t that fourth person in the circle, clasping hands as we always had.

  The actual physical representation of what we were now hit me a little too hard, and I blinked quickly. I had only shed that single tear, and I knew I couldn’t do any more.

  Not with all the eyes watching me. Not with all the whispers.

  Mace and Adrienne had gone home, not being able to stay for the wake because they still had to drive over an hour back to Daisy. My parents had gone as well, my father battling a cold. He would be fine, but I knew that the day had taken a lot out of him.

  All of them would have stayed for me and Sienna and Harmony if we needed it.

  But we had each other.

  We had each other.

  “They’re all talking about it,” Sienna murmured.

  “Just ignore it. It’s always best just to ignore it.” Harmony’s voice was a little shaky, but she held her chin high.

  “I hate it. I just want it to go away. I just want to go sit up in Allison’s old room and play a stupid board game like we used to.” I closed my eyes, the headache starting to push its way into my brain. I knew it would likely transform into something more soon, the lights getting a little too bright, the tastes in my mouth going bitter.

  “We need to get you home soon,” Sienna said. “I can tell a migraine is coming on.”

  “Yes, it’s going to suck. Let’s just stay for Allison’s parents for a little longer, see if there’s anything we can do for them. Then, I’ll go home and lick my wounds.”

  “I love you guys,” Harmony said, bringing both Sienna and me in for a hug. So I leaned on my friend and held my sister close. This wasn’t right. It wasn’t supposed to be just the three of us. I mean, I knew that it would be eventually, but when we were older—far older when we were watching over our grandchildren, maybe even our great-grandchildren if things worked out.

  We weren’t supposed to be doing this at such a young age.

  It wasn’t fair.

  But, as they say, life isn’t fair.

  Death shouldn’t be either.

  Allison’s mom called out for Harmony, and she squeezed my hand before walking off to join the other woman. One of the caterers needed help with something, and Sienna charged in to assist, not even bothering to see if anyone else would offer to help. That was my sister. Always there.

  That was my friends, we were always there for each other. Even if not all of us were here anymore.

  The headache was coming on strong, and my hands had started to shake. I knew I needed to leave soon. The others would understand if I left, even if I had been the one to say that I needed to stay. Because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to drive home soon if I didn’t go now. So, I went over to the coats, slid mine on, and ignored more of the whispers as people tried to catch my eye. They wanted to talk to the girl who had found Allison.

  I knew that much. But I had talked to the police, I had discussed things with Allison’s parents. I had shared with my friends. I had talked to everybody about what I had seen, detailing it so much that I knew I could probably say the words by rote without even showing a single emotion.

  Maybe that was for the best.

  Because I didn’t want to feel anything.

  Didn’t know if I really could.

  So, as I turned away from the whispers and the knowing looks, I told myself that I needed to go home. Of course, just as I thought that, I slammed into a large chest.

  A hard, familiar chest.

  Of course.

  “Violet,” Cameron whispered, his voice rough, that low, deep growl that I remembered vividly.

  “I—” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

  Because as soon as he wrapped his arms around me, the dam broke. Tears slid from my eyes, and I let out a low groan that I knew others might hear. Cameron surely did.

  In response, he let out a low curse that vibrated through my body and held me close. And I broke.

  The others might not be able to see me, but Cameron could. And, of all the people I could have broken in front of, of all the individuals that could have held me when I shattered into a thousand pieces, it just had to be him.

  He was the one who was there for me when I fractured.

  Of course, he was.

  * * *

  Find out more in Breaking Without You.

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