Hell's Bells

by K. B. Draper

  “I’ve done what I can to calm them,” she offered to Sammy before bringing her attention front and center to me. “You must be the infamous AJ.” I’m not going to lie; her smile brought the wiggles to my appendix. I would have felt a bit guilty since Ashlyn was standing next to me, but she was a little knee wobbly herself, so fair is fair. In my silence, her smile deepened, activating next-level dimples and, well, damn shazam.

  She turned her mega wattage on Ashlyn. “And you must be Ashlyn. I have heard much about you, as well.” Ashlyn managed a smile and wave. “I was looking forward to meeting you both.” I was going to How the Hell that statement, but she opened her arms to Mia. “And of course, it’s always nice to see you, Mia. It’s been too long.”

  Mia walked into the woman’s embrace. “You’re an angel? You’re both angels?” She punched Sammy in the shoulder. “What the shit, man?”

  I focused on Sammy. “Again, what she said. What the shit, Sammy? I’m not too up on the Bibley stuff, but are we talking about the Samuel, Archangel USPS for God, Samuel?”

  “I’m not sure what that means exactly.”

  “I don’t know, messenger or something?” I asked.

  “Oh yeah, did that for a while, but as of late I’m more of the Guardian Angel variety.”

  “Huh, so you funked up and got demoted then,” I said.

  “No. I didn’t … funk up, quite the opposite actually.”

  The woman next to him chuckled. “I am going to really enjoy you.”

  “AJ, this is my wife, Ariel.”

  I opened my mouth to start the same go-around, but she held out a hand. “Yes, I’m the Ariel,” Ariel pre-answered, a playful smile still lighting her lips. We shook hands. “But my friends here call me Ari.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Ari. So which of you cares to explain this little,” I did a finger swirl, “situation?”

  “Right now I think we–” Sammy looked up at the ceiling. I followed suit as it seemed like the thing to do. “He’s here,” Sammy whispered.

  “He being?” I whispered back because, again, thing to do. In answer, a very loud, very heavy, very bad sounding horsey hoof slammed into the ceiling. All eyes still upward, we watched as a crack spiderwebbed itself above us. “That’s not Jolly Old St. Nick, I’m guessing?” I asked, as the lingering nightmares of horses and riders lining the canyon, silently watching Lucifer and I as we had our little go at each other, teed off in my head.

  Chapter 10

  “Horseman?” I asked.

  “Horseman,” Sammy confirmed.

  “Shit.”

  “Pretty much.”

  A single hoof pounded the roof again, dislodging dust and ceiling parts.

  “How do we fight a horseman?” I asked. Sammy gave a quick wing shrug, then took flight, heading toward the gym’s front entry doors. “I was looking for a little more detail, but that’s cool,” I said, grabbing Ashlyn’s hand and taking off after him.

  Sammy held a hand up, stopping us, as he took a little lookie loo though the sliver of window, assuming he was wanting to see what may greet us before bursting out into it. That was kind of a new concept for me, but whatever—tomato-hand grenade. I moved a wing and the angel it was attached to out of my way to do my own peek-a-boo, but nada. I just saw a full parking lot. “What do you think he’s up there doing?” I looked over my shoulder for a little direction. Double shoulder shrugs. Okay well, hopefully they’ll come in a little handier later. “Alrighty.” I fished Woody’s keys from my pocket and handed them to Ashlyn. “You and Mia get the weapons and ammo; we’ll distract.”

  “Got it,” Ashlyn said.

  I gave her a quick kiss. “Be careful.”

  “Always.”

  I gave Mia a glance, “It’s not too late—”

  “I’m in this.”

  I shot her a proud smile, even though my heart wasn’t fully supporting the gesture. “You’re in this,” I confirmed. “Listen to Ashlyn. Be smart. Live to fight another day.” I got a sharp nod in response. “Okay then, we’ll head out first, and once it’s clear, you two go.” Four nods this go around. I hit the door with a slam of my shoulder and we were all good to go for a tango.

  I ran the opposite way that Mia and Ashlyn would be traveling, while widening the distance from the building in an effort to gain the angle that I needed to see what exactly had perched its ass on the gym roof. Though my gut and Norm, who was riding high in the saddle, gave me an aching feeling that I’d been there, seen that and I really didn’t want to see it again.

  There were a lot of things that still haunted me from my trip to hell. The screaming chorus of agony and torture topped the list. But fighting for the second through seventh spots were the six silent horses and riders that were set atop the cliff, watching as Luci and I threw down. Weird, I know, to give such high ranks to the only things that didn’t try to spaghetti slurp my intestines while I was down there, but those dudes or dudettes (I couldn’t see their Adam’s apples) were creepy AF.

  In a world that was filled with flickering flames and the constant screams of pain and torture, or the pleasurable cries of causing it, these six were dark and silent. They were soulless voids of nothingness. Like they were truly dead. Okay, I mean everyone there was DOA, but again they cried, screamed, begged, hated, regretted. They reacted and they felt; you still saw the human in them. Heck, even the demons had emotions. They were all the sucky angry face emotions, but they were there. These things however—zip, nada, nothing. Big, scary black holes of evil seated on giant horses. One of which had apparently chosen to come topside tonight to ruin a reunion.

  Ariel, Sammy, and I skirted the back side of the gym, moving to where we would have a little more elbow room and could get a better view of our party crasher. Said party crasher decided to help us out with the second part, leaping from its roost to land on the fifty-yard line of the football field, directly ahead of us.

  I actually had some fond memories of this particular place, mostly from make-out sessions underneath the bleachers, but I didn’t really see this night being one of them.

  I waved my two-winged sidekicks to follow me to the back side of the concession stand. We ran its length, until I could poke a head out and see the field. The giant floodlights that lit the area on game nights were off, but have no fear. The red glowing eyes of the evil dude’s evil white horse put off enough illumination to light the immediate scene. And this horse was not a My Little Pony version either; this horse was big. While taking a beer tour of Budweiser in St. Louis, because, duh, free samples, they’d said the average Clydesdale was eighteen hands tall. That being my guide, I’m going to say this bad mammy jammy was oh … thirty-three, give or take a few Shaquille O’Neal hands. Add the white-cloaked dude on its back, holding a bow with an arrow lit with flames, and let’s just say it measured up to a whole lot of bad.

  “You going to hide all night or are you going to come out and face me?” The horseman’s voice boomed as if he’d borrowed the announcer’s mic and was calling the game.

  I sighed. We were going to do this, I guess. I gave Ariel and Sammy a glance. They both were wielding their own lighty-up weapons, which of course caused me to look down at David Bowie. “I feel like we came a tad underdressed.” Oh well, not the first time, not the last. Unless shit goes stupid and it totally is the last of course, I thought.

  I looked back at the angels, who happened to be looking at me. Convenient. “How about this for a plan of attack. I’ll do me and since I have no idea what you two do, feel free to jump in with your thing anytime, but don’t mess with my vibe or my punchlines. Cool?” I got double head nods. “Okay then, let’s start this party.” I poked a head out. “Quick question, so are you saying that hiding is an option? I mean, no ego here. I can hide all night. Okay, maybe not all night ’cause I had a little too much punch earlier, but I can have a pretty good run at it and—” The concession stand exploded.

  Sammy’s wings were the only thing that kept me from getting knocke
d in the noggin by the nacho cheese dispenser. I smiled at him from underneath our feather canopy. “There you go looking out for me again.”

  “I told you the guardian angel gig is kind of my thing.”

  I double-checked him with my eyeballs. “As in my GA or as in general everyone’s?”

  “Does that answer your question?” the horseman asked, interrupting Sammy, which I was sure would have added another piece to my fate puzzle.

  I swirled my pointer at Sammy’s face. “You’re going to answer that question later.”

  Sammy stood with a nod and retracted his wings from Ariel and my head space. I dusted off my jeans, then my jacket. I poked a finger through a rip in the elbow and sighed. “And this is why I can’t ever have nice things.” I stepped over the debris that surrounded us, catching movement at the far end of the field. Ashlyn and Mia were skirting its edge all Rambo’ed up. Ashlyn’s dress was riding high as she ran. Yum. She should totally make that her fighting outfit. A gravel-filled throat clearing had me bringing my attention, oh so reluctantly, around. “Right, you and your stupidness. A simple no would have sufficed, but I’m guessing you have a small dick and some daddy issues so I get the overcompensating thing.”

  The horseman’s bow lowered in my direction. I didn’t take that as a good start to a meaningful convo. Sammy’s hand wrapped around my elbow and Ariel moved wide. I was pretty sure that was to get a better run at the horseman or it was to distance herself from me, but either way it was a smart move.

  “You are as annoying now as you were in hell,” the horseman stated.

  “Motivation is what gets you started; habit is what keeps you going.” There was silence after that wisdom drop so of course I filled it. “I read that in a bathroom stall in Waterloo and think it’s a saying by Buddha or could have been Bubba. Things got a little blurry after we switched from beer to Tang and Everclear shots.”

  “I understand now why Lucifer is planning to peel the skin from your bones and stuff it into that mouth of yours.”

  “Speaking of big flaming dicks, how’s his? Anything left for you to—” I felt a familiar movement in the air. Probably a good thing because I’m pretty sure my mouth was about to write a check that my ass couldn’t cover. Michael went wheels down alongside me. He handed me Dolly, my double-barrel shotgun, pump action. I’m hoping I don’t need to explain her name, but for those of you slow to roll … Dolly. Parton. Double. Barrel.

  “Ashlyn asked me to bring you this.” And just like that my heart grew three sizes. “Though it likely won’t do much good against …” He nodded toward the implied “him.”

  “Well, it’ll at least add some attitude to the situation.” I racked the shells into the chamber a la Sarah Connor style.

  “Hello, Samuel,” Michael greeted.

  “Michael,” Sammy replied. “Nice to see you again. Of course I wish it was under different circumstances.”

  “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the man of the hour,” the horseman said. “I thought you’d come out if you heard I was here with your friends.”

  “It’s been a long time, Conquest,” Michael said.

  “Conquest?” I snorted. “Kind of cocky, don’t ya think?”

  Michael gave me a “shush it” wave of his hand. “What do you want?” Michael asked.

  Kind of a “duh” inquiry I thought, and apparently so did the horse as it reared its head back, bringing it down quickly, smoke shooting from both of its nostrils.

  “I think you know what I want,” Conquest said. Okay, fine, it’s kind of a cool name. He flipped back the hood of his cloak.

  And damn. Double icky eczema-faced damn. “A good face moisturizer?” I asked.

  Michael stepped away from me. I was starting to sense a theme, but again I wasn’t offended. I got that a lot.

  “Tell Lucifer that my son will not be used in this war. By either side.”

  Freddy Krueger-wannabe chuckled. I wasn’t a fan. “You’ve been living among these lambs too long if you think you have a choice. The only options you have are to either turn the child over to us and we’ll spare some”—he smiled at that word, which brought his trustworthy score into double-digit negatives—“of this world or give him to your father, and then we’ll burn this plane down along with every single living creature.” The evil horse apparently liked the second option, as he scuffed at the ground with a hoof igniting the earth around it in flames.

  “I will protect him,” Michael replied. I cleared my throat. Michael rolled his eyes, apparently another byproduct of living amongst the lambs too long. “We’ll protect him,” he corrected.

  “There ya go, bucko.” I patted him on the shoulder as I stepped forward. “Also, I’m tagging in on this convo.” Michael groaned. Again, I got that a lot and you’d think it would affect me more, but I’ve learned to persevere through the years. “Let me offer up a third option. How about we shove a loofah up your crusty ass and send you back to your daddy with your itsy-bitsy sausage and biscuit-ies zipped up in a fanny pack?” I did a zipping up motion just for funsies. I should take a sec to acknowledge that it’s very likely someday I’ll replay this encounter and determine that this very well could have been the precise moment that things started to go sideways.

  There was silence for a beat. Two. Then a slow grin cracked—no, seriously, literally cracked, as in a part of his crusted upper lip flaked off his face before he jerked the reins of the evil horse to the side, turning them to face the very spot Ashlyn and Mia were currently held up.

  I took off at a run. Michael, Sammy and Ariel were already in flight. I aimed Dolly and fired. The first blast did no more damage than a horsefly getting brushed off the horse’s ass by his tail. I popped off the second shell, not because I was expecting different results, but because my hands needed something to do until they could plant themselves in this jackass’s face. I got an over-the-shoulder grin for my efforts. When he turned back, he raised his bow, its arrow coming to flame as he brought back the string and released it.

  Michael took Conquest off his horse with a flying tackle. Again, literally. He was flying at the time of impact. Sammy dived into the arrow’s path, taking the impact in a strike to the center of his chest. The ball of flame seemed to consume him, but then his wings came in around him, cocooning him and smothering the flames. Ariel swooped down in Ashlyn and Mia’s direction so I veered toward Michael and Conquest, who were now somersaulting ass over ankles, passing the twenty yard line as they exchanged punches.

  I had to dive through two walls of fire that the evil horse snotted out in front of me. He’s lucky there wasn’t a third or he’d be playing base layer for a craft project with lots of glitter.

  I was just about to jump in the dogpile when Michael got a boot to the gut, launching him up and back a good sixty yards. I took advantage of the opening, the barrel end of Dolly now gripped in my hands, her stock swinging around to make contact with the space a head should have been. Something cracked. Not his skull unfortunately, but something more in the top hemisphere of my body. Next thing I know I was field-goaling it toward the uprights. My laces must have been cock-eyed or he’d taken a bad snap, because my face bounced off the left goalpost. I caught the crossbar with my rib cage, which knocked the breath out of me, saving the ground the need to do it when I slammed into it a second later.

  I would like to say it was my stubborn steel will that had me getting back up to my feet, but it was more so the fire that now lit my immediate airspace that had me offering bribes and making promises of tequila massages to my muscles if they would just give me a little more umph. They did as requested, though I thought it was more Norm getting them up and going than anything else.

  Between licks and flicks of flame I saw Conquest mount his evil horse, then come prancing my way. Behind him Michael was also trying to get his boots back under him. I didn’t see Sammy or Ariel, and I only hoped they had Mia and Ashlyn.

  “I’m going to enjoy gnawing on your bones after Lucifer is done with
you,” Crusty said as they crossed the flames to come tower over me.

  “I hear I go nice with a shot of fuck you.” I was going to chuckle at my own joke but my ribs were no-going the idea at the moment.

  “My brothers are on their way to bring our wrath onto this plane. They will continue until there is no one left. If you care anything for your fellow humans, I would encourage Michael to surrender the child to us. Otherwise Lucifer and the full fury of his army will ascend to this world and destroy it.”

  “When do you think that might be? Sunday? Monday?” I forced myself to straighten. My hand was holding my side, which was currently protesting the breathing and talking thing. “Tuesday, I have a mani pedi so that day is out for me.”

  In lieu of answering, he raised his bow, its flames lighting the night sky. He aimed and released. I watched as the plume of fire arched into the sky and embedded itself into the side of the gym. “Make your decision wisely.”

  My feet were moving before he dropped the last syllable. Michael, Sammy and Ariel reached the gym first. The closest door was already aflame. Michael didn’t waste any time trying to find another. He shoulder checked the wall, twice, creating his own entry point. I followed Ariel in, my jacket off and in front of my face, filtering the already toxic levels of smoke filling the space. Sammy went toward the locker room, ripping the hinges off the door and ducking inside. I motioned Michael to follow me to the equipment room. I didn’t track Ariel, but assumed she’d followed her husband.

  We cleared the room and ushered the stowaways out and into the parking lot where Ashlyn and Mia greeted us. Ashlyn met my eyes through the chaos. I gave her an “I’m okay” wave with the hand that wasn’t currently wrapped around my middle. She didn’t seem convinced. I’m guessing it could have been the fact that I still had an impression of a goalpost in my face. Maybe. But I could feel Norm already doing his thing, so I’d be back to right soon enough.