Hell's Bells

by K. B. Draper

  “Then a portal-like thing lit up and she was gone,” I finished.

  “Light!” Apoc cheered, done with the adults ignoring him. He clapped and a disco ball came into brilliant technicolor above our heads.

  Lucky for us, there were very few people at the DD, and the ones who were around had already done their ogling at the extra-pretty angels and were now in the try not to stare stage.

  “Wow, buddy, that’s very pretty, but we need to play with the lights later,” Ashlyn said. Apoc’s bottom lip went pouty as he let the light fade. “You are such a good boy.” She gitchy-gitchy gooed his side, and he was back to his normal giggly self.

  “Moving on to the next topic in my WTF file, I’ve been meaning to ask: when I was in Hell having my little tête-à-tête with Lucifer, there were six black horses with cloaked riders that sat curbside. You have any clue who they might be? And do you think they’ll be crashing this party too?”

  Sammy looked at Ariel. “The four horsemen and …”

  “Beelzebub and Amy,” Ariel answered.

  “Beelzebub and Amy?” I snorted. “Beelzebub. What do we have to do to get rid of him? Say his name backward? Bubezleeb. Oh my god, we totally got this.”

  Michael didn’t seem as convinced. “Beelzebub is Lucifer’s right hand; he is the prince of the demons. He is a fallen angel that helps Lucifer rule the underworld.”

  “And Amy? What does she do? Wear his letterman’s jacket?” I asked.

  “She is the general of his army,” Sammy answered.

  “Oh.” And that was all I had to say about that.

  “They will most definitely be a part of this fight,” Ariel offered.

  “And the other four with them,” Ashlyn chimed in. “You’re sure they were the horsemen?”

  “Yeah, because when I saw them, they were in all black from head to hoof, but when Conquest was here his horse was white and he was the shade of a dried-up onion.”

  “I don’t know of any others that it would or could be.” When she got a “me neither” headshake from Sammy, Ariel continued, “Most likely it’s just the difference in the light between this plane and Hell. All planes have their own … spectrum, I guess you would say. I have never been, but I understand Lucifer keeps most forms of light sealed off from that world. A torture in and of itself.”

  Now that I thought about it, Hell had been a little heavy on the doom-and-gloom decor. Everything had been painted in a high-def monochrome, with the only exception the crimson hues of blood and flame.

  Ariel continued, “Heaven is the opposite. Very bright. It is beautiful and colorful here, but it is muted compared to Heaven.”

  “All you glowy angels,” I said.

  “Maybe. But more like,” Sammy gave the back of his iPhone a tap, “changing the filters on your phone when you take a picture.”

  “Okay, well, that’s good news, I guess. We’re likely facing only five bad dudes, assuming our two friends will be back, one bad dudette, and Luci,” I said.

  “And a legion of demons,” Michael added, always the bright spot.

  “And a legion of demons.” I gave Michael the side-eye. “With no idea how to put them back in their box?”

  Ariel looked at Sammy who nodded. “I think we need Michael. He commands the angel’s army.”

  “Michael as in the super pretty one that I just so happened to have pissed off and who went flying back home in a giant hissy fit?” I guessed.

  “Yes, but I’m sure it will be fine. Michael is rather temperamental even on a good day.” Ariel offered with a mini version of a smile, “Sorry, I know he’s your father.”

  “Trust me, I am very aware of my father and his temperament.”

  Ariel reached across the table to lay a hand on Michael’s. “I guess you do and I’m so sorry for that.”

  “I made my choices. He made his. Unfortunately, now we’re all having to deal with mine and for that I am truly sorry.”

  Ariel squeezed his hand. “Don’t. Your choices created this amazing child.” It should be noted said amazing child currently had a finger up his left nostril. Two knuckles deep. “Do not be sorry for that,” she was saying.

  I let her statement have its moment. “But you should be sorry that you don’t have any more napkins,” I offered helpfully with a nod toward the wonder child.

  “I’ve got him.” Ashlyn was already coaxing the finger down and out as she spun toward the bathrooms.

  We all watched her go. I might have watched a little longer and a little lower than the others, but once she disappeared inside, I turned back to the crew. “I need to lay off Daddy Michael because we might need him to bring in the backup. Anything else?”

  Sammy sighed.

  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  “Not only do we need to minimize the loss here, but we need Lucifer to return to hell. Willingly or not.”

  “Yep. Not a problem. I got that part. I was thinking three separate FedEx boxes. Large, medium, and small. We can go slow boat, because I’m guessing the cost of overnight would be redonk-ulous.”

  “He needs to be in one box when he goes,” Sammy said.

  “Ohhh-kay fine. Maybe if we left some parts out, just shipped back the—”

  “He also needs to be in one piece,” Sammy interrupted.

  “You’re really messing with my mojo, Sam I am.”

  “We can’t kill him,” Sammy said.

  “Damn. He has the whole immortal thing going on, doesn’t he?”

  “We are not immortal. Our souls can be extinguished and we would cease to exist. It’s just harder to do it to us, but it can very much happen,” Ariel inserted.

  “Okay, then let’s do that. We’ll take a fire extinguisher to his ass and extinguish him.”

  “What they are trying to say is, if you terminate Lucifer’s life force, you have to take his place,” Michael said.

  I blinked. Blinked again. Heck, I could’ve blacked out. My brain was backfiring like a ’78 Pinto. “I’m sorry. Back up. Come again?”

  “Terminating Lucifer’s life force, his soul, will create a great imbalance. The balance must be restored or this plane will cease to exist. That is what this whole fight is about.”

  “I don’t get it,” I said.

  “God created this world. It was the first creation of its kind. Lucifer, for his own reasons, became jealous or infuriated that God would create and love such an inferior existence. He fell from grace and thereafter has sought vengeance on this plane. Meteors. Floods. Sin. Things created to hurt and destroy.”

  “Politicians,” I added.

  Ariel nodded. “Some, yes.”

  “Beets?”

  “Those are actually good for you,” Sammy answered.

  I crinkled my nose. “How about mosquitoes? Or coconut? DMVs? Michael Bolton songs? Reality TV? Facebook?” Ariel cocked her head at me. “Sorry, right,” I waved a hand. “We can shelve those for later. You were saying?”

  “To ensure all would not be lost, but also not interfere with free will, God created the balance. A force that the good feeds and strengthens, that the bad pulls and draws from. The more bad that happens, the stronger they become and the more or longer they can come here and take or destroy. The more good that happens, the more things heal and protect,” Ariel explained.

  “Sounds like a big jacked-up game with us humans running around like a bunch of know-nothing pawns.”

  “I can’t totally disagree with you,” Sammy said. “But that was not God’s intention in the beginning. The balance was a way to ensure that free will remains and the fate of this plane is that of its inhabitants. Choices and consequences.”

  “But with a couple of built-in safety nets,” Ariel picked up the explanation. “If one was to disrupt the balance or, in this particular case, terminate Lucifer, it will be restored,” Ariel said. “And I guess they thought who better to do so than the one who …” she rolled her wrist in lieu of finishing the story.

  “You kill Lucifer you b
ecome Lucifer,” I said.

  “Well, that’s his name, but whoever would keep their name and become the ruler of Hell,” Michael stated.

  “Oh well, no bigs then if it doesn’t require a name change.” I gave Michael a glare. “You’re saying there’s no application process? No, like, AGT audition or anything? You just shoot straight to the top? Or I guess bottom?”

  Three head bobs.

  “But, AJ, don’t worry. If we can’t get him to reenter, and if it comes to it, I have already decided that I will do it,” Michael said.

  “You decided?” I snorted.

  “Yes, I—”

  I threw up a stop sign. “Yeah, I’m going to veto that … Dad,” intentionally dropping the heavy bass on the last beat. “I can with one hundred percent surety say that Hell is no place to raise a child. Not. Happening.” Michael opened his mouth to protest. “Not. Happening,” I repeated.

  “What’s not happening?” Ashlyn asked, setting a clean Apoc down on the seat next to Michael.

  I stood and gathered our trash. “The short version? Michael needs to check himself and I’m going to walk Six.”

  I was out staring at nothing while Six CSI’ed the twelve-by-twelve grassy patch when Ashlyn came alongside me. Her vibe told me she’d been caught up on the recent convo. “We’re just going to have to put him back in,” she started.

  “Yep.”

  “No other option,” she added.

  “Nope.”

  She took my elbow, turning me to face her. When my gaze stayed on the tips of my boots, she lifted my chin with a knuckle and forced me to look at her. “No. Other. Option.”

  “No other option,” I repeated, with not as much conviction as Ashlyn had put into the three simple words, but I got them out there, and I really hoped I meant them. I’d come to the not-so-comfortable conclusion that there was a good possibility I wouldn’t get out of this party alive. I mean, that’s not the end to the fun run I wanted, but I’d realized long ago that it was a good possibility. So for a while now, I’d been double finger-crossing that my good intentions would outweigh my … we’ll go with bottom half of my bell curve moments and I’d, you know, maybe make it with some last-minute extra credit to somewhere … anywhere besides an eternity in hell. But now, if we didn’t shove Lucifer back in the hole that he crawled out of, what choice would I have? Which brought front and center the simple fact that I had no idea how to do either at the moment. #Winning.

  “We need to get to Hell,” I said. “I want to get there before the party to get a lay of the land. Will you check with Danny and see how they are getting along?”

  “Danny and Grand are going to figure something out,” Ashlyn said.

  “Yeah, let’s hope.”

  Chapter 17

  We pulled into Hell four uneventful hours later. Danny, Grand and Mia were an hour and some change behind us. The freak-finder (I’m still working on the name) was trending upward, but still wasn’t at the levels that had brought forth Conquest or Famine so that was a nice break at least.

  I pulled over in a small parking lot at the edge of Pinckney, a town just south of Hell. Sammy pulled up alongside us and rolled down the window. “Ashlyn is talking to Mia. She’s getting us a safe place to put these two.”

  Sammy nodded. “Sounds good.”

  It took a few minutes, but Ashlyn finally hung up. A half page of notes was scribbled on a notepad that Danny kept in the glove box. “Mia found us a house. It’s about two miles away, about seven from Hell.”

  “That should be good. Airbnb?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Suckers,” I muttered. I got a cocked eyebrow. “I mean everything will be fine. We’ll totally get our deposit back.”

  “The owner is going to meet us there in fifteen.”

  She rattled off the general directions so Sammy could hear, not that we were going to get separated in the booming town of Pinckney.

  The house Mia had booked for us was a four-bedroom, three-bath ranch-style home, nothing extra-special except that it sat on a few acres outside the actual town, giving us some “see it coming” time for Michael to get Apoc out of the immediate area if things didn’t end up going our way.

  I let Ariel and Ashlyn do the polite meet and greet routine with the property owners who were a nice upper- middle-aged couple who had lived in the house while they raised their family. Their kids had moved away and they’d downsized, but their son had talked them into keeping the place as an investment by taking in the occasional overflow of tourists visiting Hell. Their history of the house included their third child’s questionable career choice, the high IQs of their three grandchildren, and every eating option within a ten mile radius. They were nice, but I was in a mood, and I really wished I could unplug the amp to my super hearing.

  It took longer than I’d hoped, but forty minutes later Ashlyn, Sammy, Ariel, and I were back in our vehicles and headed to check out Hell. Michael, Six, and Apoc were staying behind for the time being in hopes Apoc would get a little zzz time.

  Hell was actually an unincorporated community, a spot in the road where a few savvy business folks had capitalized on the name. There was a souvenir shop, a diner, which I’d be totally down for, a wedding chapel ’cause why not, miniature golf, and a bar. Sorry, a “saloon.” A saloon that didn’t have swinging Wild Wild West doors, something one would think would be a requirement of any establishment calling itself a saloon. I don’t know why I was irrationally annoyed by the little subtitle. Good possibility I was in a mood or, oh geez, please don’t say I’m going to freakin’ start my stupid girl time in the middle of the flippin’ apocalypse.

  I pulled out my phone and checked the app that Danny had downloaded for me and him—mostly for him. I swiped back a month, two. Nope, I’m good for a bit. Just me and my pre-apocalypse attitude. Good to know. Okay, back to the stupid place with the stupid name, which just so happened to be sitting curbside to ground zero. Ashlyn was still dialing in the exact location, but we were close, so I parked.

  I glanced around the nice-size parking lot, not what I’d pick to hold four horsemen, Lucifer, his right and left sidekicks, and a legion of demons, unless legion equals about eight compact demons. But hey, here’s hoping.

  Ashlyn stepped over a tire stop and into the grassy area beyond the lot. “It’s more this way.”

  “More this way” equated to the middle of a lake. It wasn’t Lake Michigan huge thankfully, but it was large enough for a few hundred houses to line it. We stood at the lake’s bank and stared out across the water.

  “How do you suggest we get them all to safety?” I asked.

  “I’ve called some friends,” Sammy said. “I will have them start there.”

  “Angely friends?” I asked.

  “Angely friends,” he confirmed, already typing out a text.

  I leaned in to see his screen. “I’d think you all would have some … I don’t know, supernatural telegraph or like little white carrier pigeons with little scrolls wrapped around their little pigeon legs.”

  “Oh, we have those too. Well, they’re white doves actually, but this is faster,” Sammy said, hitting send and repocketing his phone.

  “If they have that handled, what do you want to hit next?” Ashlyn asked.

  “Well, fortunately there isn’t much to this place. What if you two clear the souvenir shop and Ashlyn and I clear the putt putt, get the tour bus moving, and then we can all meet at the diner?” I suggested.

  “Do we have time to grab some food? No telling when we’ll get another chance and you haven’t had much of anything today. Nothing good for you anyway,” Ashlyn said. And have I said how much I heart her lately?

  My stomach took the opportunity to stand up and ditto the comment. “Let’s do it.”

  “Danny, Grand and Mia should be close. I’ll tell them to meet us there,” Ashlyn said, already thumbing out a text. We got back in our vehicles and drove over even though the diner and shop weren’t very far away. No way was I
going to risk Woody getting swallowed up by diva dude’s hellmouth.

  The bus tour was already calling people to get back on so there wasn’t much coaxing that needed to be done there. The miniature golfers, however, almost got their putters shoved down their mouthy little sand traps. Ashlyn suggested I might be hungry, causing me to be a bit irritable. I couldn’t disagree so she tagged in and I started for the diner. The Hell Hole BTW. On any other day I would’ve found that amusing. Today? Eh.

  They cleared and cleaned the tour bus-goers’ tables, so it wasn’t a problem getting a table for seven. Once seated I called to check in on Michael and to see what he wanted off the menu, assuming he, Apoc, and most definitely Six were getting hungry as well. All was a go so far; they were getting settled in and were watching Frozen 2 for the hundred and twenty-ninth time. Six’s choice, he had a mad thing for the blonde one.

  Ashlyn, Sammy and Ariel came in together. It wasn’t a big place, so they found me immediately.

  “Danny and them are about five minutes out. They’ve been living off gas station food, so they’re ready for some real food too,” Ashlyn said, pulling out the chair next to mine.

  “I touched base with Michael. They’re good. I figured one of us could run out some food when we’re done.”

  “I can fly it out,” Sammy said. “I can be there and back in no time.”

  I ran that statement through my brain circuits and wondered why I just now thought to ask. “About that, why do you even have a vehicle?”

  “Storage space,” Sammy stated.

  “Plus, driving is fun,” Ariel stated. “Something different.”

  I could get that. The waitress came by with waters and asked if we’d like any appetizers while we waited on the rest of our party. Fun fact: I’ve never met an appetizer I didn’t like. “Yes.”