Hell's Bells

by K. B. Draper

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s totally like the super-creepy end-of-the-world cloning shit.” I rewound my last sentence and played it back. “But I mean, in this case I’m sure it will be totally fine.”

  “There are hundreds of millions of planes,” Ariel stated. “He can access them all?”

  I might have dropped my jaw. “Hundreds of millions?”

  “More even,” Ariel said. “There are that many heavens alone.”

  “Millions of heavens?” I held up a hand. “Never mind; we’ll put that Trivial Pursuit card back in the box for later.” I turned to Michael. “Right now, you got the goods?”

  He held up one of Apoc’s superhero juice cups. “Sorry, didn’t have anything else with a lid.” He unscrewed the top, and a brilliant light lit the night sky. A small sphere like the ones in Apoc’s trucks slipped out and hung in the air. When it began to lengthen and stretch, everyone took a step back except me, and well Danny, because I caught him by his belt buckle and held him in place.

  “Whoa, wait. Where are we going?” Danny sputtered, as I pulled him toward the light.

  “Remember when Superman changed in the telephone booth?”

  “Yeah,” Danny said, still trying to backpedal.

  “It’s kind of like that. You’re getting a super suit. Or, well, I guess technically you’re going to be the suit.” And I shoved him into the light.

  I did a finger BRB wave at our wide-eyed audience and slipped into the light after Danny.

  Chapter 21

  This new plane was nice. Pretty in a “hills are alive with the sound of music” way. There was a sun and stars, which was trippy, but somehow it worked with the rest of the motif though it was a tad bright for my liking. We were in a small field with some kind of purple-topped flower hitting us around the knees.

  Danny was on his third turnabout as if he was stuck in some kind of invisible revolving door. “AJ, what did you do?”

  “This way,” I said, grabbing his elbow and pulling him along to a small cabin set off in the distance. It was cute, something you would expect to see in a perfect flower-filled meadow scene from some mass-produced painting. A river, runoff from the nearby mountains, ran along its side.

  I knocked twice, and Nava answered almost immediately. “AJ, you made it.” She held the door open. “Please come in.”

  Apoc and Six were playing with a wooden puzzle on the floor, Six leaving his side to come greet us. “Hey, buddy.” But it was the woman who stood from the small kitchen table who had my full attention. She was dressed in a simple white gown. An ornate beaded necklace was around her neck. If I had to guess, she was my age, maybe a little older, in the visual sense anyway, but I knew otherwise. Her black hair was thick and braided, and lay neatly over one shoulder. “Hoyo Abi,” she said. “I have waited a long time for this honor.”

  “Sorry, I would have been here sooner, but I just figured out that this was a thing,” I replied.

  “Your timing is perfect. I understand the war has begun.”

  “Yeah, Luci is kind of knocking at our back door as we speak.”

  “Right, then we had best begin.”

  “Danny, time for your power-up.” Danny was still standing in the doorway, eyeing our hostess with the ghostest. “Yeah, sorry, forgot. Danny, that’s Nava, formerly known as the Spider Queen, but we apparently kicked that to the curb on the trip down under and she’s back to her original cool self. She’s Apoc’s mother.” I added a little weight to the last two words.

  “Right. Okay.” He eyed a happy, healthy Apoc on the floor. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “It is nice to meet you as well. And thank you for all you have done to protect my son.”

  “Of course. It’s no big deal. I mean we would have—”

  I snapped twice, cutting off the Danny ramble, his condition when in front of ridiculously beautiful women. “Apocalypse, remember? We can kumbaya it later. Right now we need your great-times-three-aunt to jump your bones,” I said (because I wanted to). I stepped aside so Danny could see the woman behind me. “Spiritually that is.”

  “You’re, you’re—” Danny sputtered, and here we go again with this.

  “Yep. Danny, meet your long lost great-times-three-aunt, the original Hoyo Abi and Norm’s twin sister.” I trailed off. “I’m sorry, I don’t even know your name.”

  “That’s okay. Not many do. It is Issa.”

  “Issa. That means deer?” I asked.

  She smiled. “It does. You know our language.”

  “I picked up a few words here and there. Danny, meet Issa.”

  Danny did this weird awkward bow thing until Issa came around and laid a hand on his shoulder. “No need for that. But it is very nice to meet you. To meet you both.”

  “I’m assuming I got this part right? Twin souls, old and new connected in power like thunder and lightning and all that? You were talking about you taking a second seat in Danny’s passenger bus, right?”

  “Yes. But only if Danny is willing.”

  “I … but AJ is … it is her fate,” Danny said.

  “Our fate, my brother from another mother.” He opened his mouth to protest. “Trust me, when have I ever led you astray?” He glanced at me. “Fine. Besides that one time in Leavenworth, but seriously how was I to know you had a pleather allergy?” We both waited a beat. “Fine. The Nutella Slip ’N Slide wasn’t the best idea either, but Danny, this … you … it was always supposed to be.”

  He looked at me, looked at Issa and nodded.

  “There we go.” I slapped him on the back. “Nava, I think we need Apoc for this next part.”

  Nava, who had already picked up her son, brought him over to us. “Sweetheart, can you help us with the light we talked about?”

  Apoc reached out a hand, and Issa met it with hers. They stood there for a second, palm to little palm, and slowly her form began to glow. It was as if tiny balls of light were replacing each one of her cells until a single glowing orb was all that was left. It lifted to the ceiling, circled, and twisted around the room. And then just like with me so many years ago, the light slammed into Danny.

  Danny’s eyes went wide as the power fused with his own. He grasped at his chest, sucked in air, and blew it out as if trying some new lungs. “Holy cow.” He looked at his hands, opening and closing them into fists.

  “Freaky, huh?” I said.

  “I feel so—” He popped each pec. Technically, he could do this little stripper move before the upgrade, but the cocky grin was new and it looked good on him. There was one major difference between my change and his. Whereas my peepers went all high-beam headlights when Norm got upfront and personal, Danny’s eyes were the dark swirling gray of a summer storm. Thunder. Ahhh, now I got it. The whole power of lightning and thunder reference. Norm confirmed my conclusion, sending a little zing up my spine and flashing my headlights.

  “Why don’t you take your new wheels for a ride and I’ll meet you out—” And he was already gone, Six barking and racing behind him, “… there,” I finished. “Okay then.” I turned to Nava, “You okay with the next part?”

  “Definitely. I am more than happy to help you take down that lying, manipulating sack of …” Her colorful describers died out as she remembered her son still in her arms.

  “Homemade cat biscuits?”

  She smiled. “Something like that.”

  “Cool. I’ll send Michael back in, and we’ll see you all on the flip side.”

  I gave Apoc a fist. He exploded it with a laugh. “Thank you, big guy. You stay safe and I’ll see you and your mom and dad later, okay?”

  He wiggled his butt in his mom’s arms. “Tater, gator!”

  “After a while, crocodile.” And I walked out to my favorite real-life laugh track still playing in the background.

  Chapter 22

  I held out a fist. “Come on. Do it.” Danny shook his head. “Come on, you know you want to.”

  “I really don’t.”

  “Yeah,
you do,” I nudged.

  “Nope.”

  “Come on,” I whined. “Double check, like way deep down inside. I think you’ll find you want to just a little.”

  He groaned. “Fine. Once. I will do it this one time.”

  “Oh Danny. Danny. Danny,” I shook my head. “You might as well accept that now it’s going to be all the times,” I countered. He still hesitated. “Dude, there is an apocalypse going on. We can either stand here and stare at each other, or you can do it and then we can go out and kick some Luci butt.”

  “Fine.” He held out a fist and I met it.

  “Wonder Twin powers,” I said.

  “Activate,” he muttered.

  My overlay track was way more enthusiastic than his, but we went with it. Nothing happened, of course, but it filled me with a ridiculous amount of glee so ... win.

  Angels were still battling the demon population, and the overwhelming numbers were starting to take a toll. Demons were slipping through the lines and starting to filter into the town. I thought about going after them, but figured head of the snake and all that so we were back at ground zero or at least as close as we could get without our shoes melting. Amy, Beelzebub, and the worst boy band in the history of ever were now gathered up. Yes, Famine, Conquest, War and now a new dude, I’m guessing Death, had joined the End of the World Tour in our absence.

  I pulled out my phone and shot a text out. “Don’t suppose this works?” I got an Austrian flag as a reply. I’ll take that as a yes. “You good?”

  Eggplant emoji. Martini emoji.

  I flashed my screen at Danny. “We did explain this was an apocalypse, not a playdate at the Playboy mansion, right?” Danny was too distracted by popping his pecs to answer. “You know that was kind of cute at first, now it’s just annoying.”

  “What?”

  “You know what, Sir Pecs-a-Lot.”

  “I think it’s hot,” Mia swooned in my earpiece.

  “And I’m done.” I pounded out another text to Michael before shoving my phone into my pocket. “Mia, tell Grand, Ashlyn, Loretta and Rex we’re headed in.” I was already rushing forward with no idea exactly what I’d do when I got there, but when do I ever. The tentative plan for now was to come at War and the Gang from all sides. It was more of a distraction strategy than an end game, as we hoped that Apoc, Michael, and Nava could offer some assistance from the other side.

  Danny passed me, leaping a fifteen-foot split in the earth while slipping through two explosions of lava. I will be honest. One part of me was like “Aw, look at his badassery. I’m so happy he’s getting his moment, but all the other parts were like “fuck that.” And a few seconds later, we were shoulder to shoulder again. Due to the size of the hellmouth—someone was sure full of themselves and overcompensating a smidge—War and the Gang had to spread out, leaving several hundred yards between where each stood sentry. “I’ll take War. You take Conquest,” I said.

  “I’ve got War,” a deep cock-of-the-walk voice said beside me. FYI, it wasn’t Danny’s cock or walk; it was Daddy Michael who’d gone wheels down alongside us.

  “I’ll let you two deal with that. I’ve got Conquest,” Danny said, already peeling off from the pack.

  I gave Daddy Michael the side-eye. “Nice of you to finally join us.”

  “Yes. I stopped asking for permission and decided to try this free will you humans are so fond of,” Daddy Michael said, as two demons came out of the lava at us. He left them in ashes with one efficient slice of his sword.

  “Welcome to the dark side. It’s fun here. We have donuts and coffee,” I said, drawing Barbara and end-gaming a third demon that was headed at the archangel’s backside.

  “You also have honor, which I realized I was lacking. I want to fight for my family. Damn the consequences.”

  I plugged another demon. “Damn the consequences is a good life motto except for when it comes to tequila shots and shady back-alley food trucks.”

  He looked at me and smiled. “Good to know.”

  “Shall we go damn some serious consequences on these assholes?”

  “We shall.” And with one flap of his big pretty wings he was gone.

  Daddy Michael and War were already going at it by the time I fought my way through the sea of demons to the front line. Danny was all over Conquest. So that left Famine, Beelzebub, Death, and Amy. Like any good battle strategist, I quickly sized up my enemies and went with natural selection a.k.a. eeny, meeny, miny, “Ho,” I said. Amy must have gotten the hint that I’d zeroed in on her. Again, could have been because I’d actually done the back and forth finger thing and said that last part out loud. Who knows, but she was sliding off the back of her horse with a “pleased” smirk. She was pretty if one could look beyond her Fifty Shades of Grey face, her choice of employer, and the batshit crazy vibe she was putting out.

  “Addison Jo Mattox. The Hoyo Abi.” And then she leapt. No warm-up. No prefight dance. No punk talk. No nothing. She just straight-up jumped my ass. I guess it could’ve been the whole grenade in the lap thing earlier.

  I got a few rounds in before she landed, but she didn’t flinch. Arms and legs wrapped around me, and I swear to God, if she left nail marks on my jacket, she was dead. I mean that was the original plan for her, but jack with my jacket, and double dead. That was as soon as I could move my arms.

  “I was hoping we’d get a chance to meet face to face.”

  “Can’t say I feel the same,” I replied, leaning away from said face as I tried to pry my arms from my sides.

  “Aw, I’ve heard so much about you,” she purred. Her tongue flicked out and swiped my cheek. And double fucking ick, her tongue was forked like a snake’s. She licked again, ugh, rough like a cat’s. No. Just no.

  “Lucifer promised me a turn with you, but I think I’ll take a little taste now.” Then the nut job bit me, her fangs sinking into the flesh of my jaw. I fought my compulsion to jerk away, not wanting her to literally rip my face off. Instead, I focused all my attention and energy on trying to unclip Lil’ Kim, the small knife that was clipped on the inside of my pant pocket.

  Amy released her canines with a moan. “You are tasty.” As she licked the blood leaking from my cheek, she said, “I can’t wait until I can feast on you.”

  “Fuck you,” I spat.

  She leaned back, grinning wickedly. “Can I give you some sage advice?”

  “I don’t know, is sage advice better or worse than say … cilantro advice? Probably better. I really hate cilantro. I mean I can tolerate it in salsa, but otherwise …”

  She teased a fingertip across my lips. “I’m curious; is that mouth of yours good for anything besides talking?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe you can ask my girlfriend.”

  “Sure, I love a good three—–” and that’s when Amy got a grenade stuffed down the backside of her pants while I jabbed a knife into her left thigh. Ashlyn’s efforts would likely be more effective in the long run, but mine at least improved my mood.

  Amy detached herself from me to go deep sea diving in her pants. The explosion a few seconds later kicked up dirt, rock, lava and some seriously icky gut pieces in our wake.

  “These are fun,” Ashlyn said, holding up the pin, which was still hooked around her finger.

  “I know, right?” I gave her a quick kiss. We got an “aw” in our earpieces. “You good?”

  “I’m good. You?” she asked, already turning my face toward her so she could inspect Amy’s love bite. “It’s not bleeding any more, but looks really red and swollen.” I wasn’t going to tell her it felt as if Amy had set my blood on fire.

  “I’m fine.” I pulled her hand away and kissed her fingertips. “Thanks for the assist. Mia, how we looking from up there?”

  “You have two coming up on your left,” Mia said. Ashlyn and I dropped one each. “You too are so hot.”

  “Thanks. What else are you seeing?”

  “Stand by.”

  I took my own 360. “With A
my gone, Ariel said the demons would scatter. We need to try to keep them as contained as possible.”

  “I can head back. Grand was with Rex and Loretta. I can get them to spread out, and we can try to catch what slips through,” Ashlyn offered.

  “Sounds good. I’ll stay here with Danny and Michael.”

  “I thought Michael was—”

  “Other Michael,” I clarified. “That Michael.” I pointed at the rolling tussle of horseman and archangel. “Big dude Michael.”

  “Or archangel Michael?” Ashlyn suggested.

  “Or hottie with the banging body?” Mia threw in.

  Ashlyn and I both took a beat to watch hottie with the banging body bitch-slapping the shit out of War.

  “I can’t say she’s wrong,” Ashlyn offered.

  “I can get behind it,” I said. “HBB for short?”

  “Eh, HBB doesn’t really roll off the tongue,” Mia replied. “Maybe something more street. I mean look how he throws down all old-school like.” The yet to be renamed Michael drove an elbow into War’s throat, then caught him by the back of his head, and pile-drove War’s face into his upswung knee. “Oh snap. That had to hurt,” Mia muttered.

  “Mac Daddy or Downtown Michael Brown?” I asked. Ultimately, Downtown won the vote—decided after Michael picked up War and threw him so far that he sheared the bell tower off of the Pinkney’s courthouse a good five miles away.

  That settled, I stole another quick kiss. “You go. Be safe. I’m going after Beetlejuice.” I watched as Ashlyn ran and took out a demon without even breaking stride. Swoon.

  A crack spread at my feet, so I hopscotched it in the direction I’d last seen Beelzebub. I’d only made it four hops before I found myself sharing a fifteen-by-fifteen-foot island already populated by two demons. Sorry, give me a second. Okay, make that one demon. The last one standing gave me more of a fight. Its long claws took a slice out of the front of my jacket. I didn’t look down to confirm, but the burning sensation in the bellybutton region led me to think my jacket and shirt weren’t the only thing that had just been perforated.

  “I’m really sick and tired of getting my ass kicked.” I shoved a boot into the demon’s gut and roundhoused another into the side of his head. It connected enough to have the beast teetering backward. I didn’t have time for a victory dance before its tail whipped out, wrapped around my ankle, and jerked. I was sunny side up and scrambling for purchase as the demon began to walk back toward the river of magma. I unloaded Barbra and Barry into his face, which of course only caused him to fast-forward his efforts by falling backward and pulling me right along with him. I dropped Barbra and Barry, replacing him with Mary Kate and Ashley and severing our connection with two quick crisscrossing slices just as my left boot toe dipped into liquid fire.